Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

What do you call an automatic car that wants to be a manual?

A car with tranny problems

A man bought a new car with automatic transmission

After a little while, he came back to the salesman who sold him the car. The salesman saw that back of the car had a big bump, but decided not to ask. The man started saying that he liked the car very much, but it had some problems

"When i put it in D for day mode, it works very well, but whe...

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What do my wife and an automatic toilet flusher have in common?

They both start jumping to conclusions before I even have a chance to sit my ass down.

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car

But they're having trouble installing windows

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Automatic Water Mister

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you appro...

Automatic light.

HUSBAND: My dear, its like the light in the toilet is now automatic!
WIFE: Wat happened?
HUSBAND: When I open the door the light came on and after I urinated and closed the door the light went off!
WIFE: Drunkard! you have gone to urinate in the FRIDGE again!😂😂😂

My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from premature evacuation.

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but...

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Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give that bitch a shovel.


(I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

Why does Lebron James drive automatic?

He has no clutch.

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You know why those automatic sensor sinks save water?

Because none of them fucking work

Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive?

Because they don't come with a manual

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Automatic light

A husband speaks to his wife after waking up in the morning, frantic.

"Honey, you won't believe it! I went to the bathroom last night and the light turned on automatically! Weird huh?"

Annoyed, she yells at him:

"You crapped in the fridge again!"

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done.

Scared the shit outta me.

Transformers

Last night at midnight, my wife came downstairs into the kitchen where I was noisily going through the cupboards with one hand while in the other was my semi automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing" she demanded.
I glanced up at her and answered "Looking for Decepticons."
There was a...

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

There's no such thing as automatic doors...

... Only polite ninjas.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Did you hear the one about the guy on the toilet with all the buttons??

He looked at the array of buttons in bewilderment as he finished his business. He sees one labeled “WW”and decides to test it out. He pushes the button and warm water gently shoots out and washes his rear. Delighted, he moves onto one labeled “WA”. He pushes it and warm air flows from the toilet and...

Yo Mamma so stupid...

she played Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic.

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A man is walking down a dark alley in Belfast...

...When suddenly, he hears the unmistakeable sound of an automatic pistol chambering a round, and someone puts a gun to his head.

The assailant says "Catholic or Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man says "I'm a Jew!"

And the voice behind him says "Faith and begorrah, aren't I ...

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Man is on an Airplane...

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

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Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.

The flight over was great, the ride fr...

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

Kalahsnikov is making an electric and a hybrid car.

It'll come in two transmissions: automatic and semi-automatic

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.



A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the...

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Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carrie...

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.

Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat ...

Granny

Son asks his father:

S: "Does granny know something about automatic transmission?"

D: "No"

S: "And what about diesel engines?"

D: "No"

S: "Then why are they showing her in TV lying under a bus?"

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

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A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

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A gent, badly in need of the toilet was on an international flight to Japan..

All of the bathrooms were engaged, bar for the ladies' loo in first class.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but warned him that this was a Japanese toilet and cautioned him against using any of the buttons on it.

Having ta...

Instead of "guys", use "comrades" in your talks at conferences.

It's a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while th...

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A guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet at a posh hotel...

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.
<...

Robin drives the Batmobile

After a hard fought night against some bad guys, Batman and Robin return to the Batmobile. Before entering the Batmobile, Batman says he allows Robin to drive it. Excited, Robin gets in the car with Batman, and starts it up. He goes off at an amazing speed, shifting gears like a mad man, going from ...

Cop tells of pulling an elderly lady over....

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the car...

A Few Puns

Q.Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain?
A.To get to the bottom!

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved.

I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, b...

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Farmer's Fetish (VERY NSFW)

Once upon a time there lived an elderly, wise old farmer, who was horny as fuck. Seriously, it gets pretty lonely out there in the sticks.

Anyway, one day he purchased a new milking machine for his cows which promised rapid, efficient delivery of a near-endless supply of dairy goodness by att...

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This machine stops after..... [NSFW]

So a son invites his father to come visit England from India. The son was very excited about his father visiting England and so he decided to take him on a tour. Unfortunately his father didn't show the same excitement like his son. The boy was confused and asked his father "What is the matter?, don...

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Fancy Women's Restroom

A man is out running errands when he feels a sudden pressure in his gut and urgently needs to find a restroom to vacate his bowels. As he runs to the nearest restrooms, and he finds the men's room is in use and he can't wait any longer. Reluctantly, he finds the women's restroom to be available and ...

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Some girls find guys that work on cars sexy

My car wouldn't start, so today I had to use a torx-20 to remove my automatic idle controller and use mass air flow cleaner to wipe the buildup. Does that get your engine revving? Cuz it got mine going.

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

Jane goes to buy a car...

Jane went to buy a new car that she saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which car she wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed Jane the bill, and she declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell Jane how she was getting ...

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Batman and Robin go out drinking one night...

...And they both come out drunk as shit. Batman throws Robin his keys and with a slurred speech says: "*hic!* You drive tonight, Robin..."

Robin says "Oh, wow! I get to drive the Batmobile!" and he hops in all excited into the driver's seat, fires up the Batmobile and takes off for the Batcav...

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[NSFW] What is the best engine ever made in this world?

A vagina!

1. It takes any size pistons.
2. It auto lubricates itself
3. every 28 days it performs automatic oil changes.

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An American Tourist in Japan

An American tourist is in dire need of a toilet while waiting in the lobby of a Japanese hotel. The men's room in the lobby has an enormous line, while the ladies' room is completely empty. Desperate, the man goes up to the manager and says, "I'm sorry, but I really, really need a toilet, would you ...

The three holes

So a straggler is making his way across the land when he comes across a farm. Needing a place to sleep, he begs the farmer to let him stay the night. The farmer agrees, and tells him to bunk up in the barn out back.

In the barn, the straggler meets another man who is staying in the barn. He ...

Hunter meets bear in woods.

There is a hunter in the woods. He's after a bear. All of a sudden a bear appears from behind a tree, pushes him to the ground and roughly sodomizes him. After a little while the hunter picks himself up and goes back to his truck and gets an elephant gun. He's going to get that bear. He's walking th...

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