Paedophilia

It's a cardinal sin.

What would Cardinal Pell’s rapper name be?

Cardi P.

A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A Cardinal enters the Pope's residence.

"Your Holiness, I have some very good news and some very bad news", he says.

"My son, I've had a hard day. Please give me the good news first to cushion the bad news." The Pontiff requests.

"Your Holiness, I just received a phone call from Jesus and he has returned to Earth to bring Th...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

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The Pope falls seriously ill and all the cardinals are very worried.

They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing
helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: “There is only one doctor left that we haven’t tried, he is the best in all Italy.”

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of car...

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What's the difference between a bluejay and a cardinal?

One's a small, blue bird and the other is fucking your ten year old son.

The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that ends with the letters, U-N-T?"

The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"

The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

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The pope falls ill, so the cardinals call for a doctor...

After an elaborate check up, the doctor calls for the cardinals to gather in a big meeting room to share his diagnosis.

"The holy father has a terminal illness, and there's only one way around it, although I'm not sure you'd be happy with it"
"What is the cure, doctor?" the cardinals ask h...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

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The Rabbi and the Cardinal

A large number of Jewish immigrants have moved into a pastoral Italian town. The locals, fearful that resources won't be able to accommodate this influx of people, complain to their local cardinal who agrees to settle the matter. He accepts a challenge to a theological debate with the wisest of th...

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

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Two alter boys are fishing...

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which ...

One day a Rabbi was chatting with a Catholic Priest when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion...

..."What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

      "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

      "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

      "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop."...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight...

"This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take...

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The Pope and Folgers coffee

Folgers manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our d...

What happens if the Pope proclaims that God is dead?

The cardinals proclaim the same of the Pope.

The Pope visits New York

Recently after the Pope was elected he learned from his most trusted Cardinals that people don't seem to have faith in the Church anymore. Upon learning this news he decides to go speak with Cardinals around the world about ideas on how to get people to have faith in the Church again.

He tell...

A man was found guilty of raping a young boy

I guess you could say he had made a cardinal error.

Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone

While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.

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A Bishop wakes up horny in an Italian Cathedral

He finds a nice quiet corner to have a quick wank. Just as he is finishing off the flash of a camera jars him back to reality. He looks up to see an American tourist with fancy camera in his hands. The Bishop zips up and says “I have to have that camera, will you sell it to me?” The tourist isn’t si...

The Popes driver

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' say...

Bird Jokes

Just some random bird-brain jokes...

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A flicker

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A wader

What bird can do more that others? Pelican

What two birds met in the insane asylum? A cuckoo and a loon

What bir...

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Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pop...

Did you hear about the Catholic man who brought a bird into a confessional?

He said he had committed a cardinal sin.

Four women are bragging about there sons

The first one says "mine is a priest and everyone who sees him says oh my father"

The second woman decides to one up the first and says "so what my sons a cardinal and whenever anyone sees him they say oh holy father

The third one says "my sons the pope and anyone who sees him says oh ...

Sheboygan sausage

A man approaches a cardinal at a Vatican fundraiser and introduces himself as a representative of the Sheboygan Sausage Company.



"On behalf of my employer, I would like to submit a million-dollar donation to the Catholic Church."



"That's extremely charitable of you," sa...

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The Pope enjoyed a walk around the Vatican every afternoon.

One afternoon as he is walking in a quiet area, he pulls up his robe and begins to masturbate. Just as he is reaching climax, he hears a click, and turns to see a Japanese tourist snapping pictures. Walking over, the pontiff says "Boy that's a nice camera. Would you consider selling it to me?" The t...

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "You...

A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a ...

The Golf Challenge

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The ...

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One day the Pope...

Decides to get rid of all the Jews in the Vatican. Of course this brings an uproar in the Jewish community until finally the pope calls for a silent debate for the Jews to stay. So the Jews send the Rabbi.

The Pope and Rabbi start their debate, with the pope raising three fingers. The Rabbi r...

Did you hear that the Pope is in the hospital with the bird flu?

I guess he caught it from a Cardinal.

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

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The Pope.

A guy meets a Cardinal after converting and asks if he can meet the pope. The Cardinal tells him that it takes a lot to earn a meeting with the pope, so the man donates 50 thousand dollars to the church and is granted his wish. The pope starts to make his way down the line of people who wanted to me...

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

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So the Pope is on the way to his coronation...

...and the cardinals are preparing for his arrival.

One of the cardinals visits a local fisherman and says "I need to catch a fish to serve the new pope tonight".

The fisherman takes him out on his boat and they catch a massive fish.

The fisherman yells "that is a huge son of ...

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

What's a the number one cause of death for birds?

Cardinal arrest!

The Lord's Prayer

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken." "I can't possibly do...

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The Pope is dying of some unknown disease... and after seeing many many specialists they finally found one...

...that could diagnose the problem. The specialist lets the head Cardinal know the problem, all cardinals confer then go and speak with the pope.
"Your holiness, after talking to the specialist, the only way to save your life is you must have sex with someone."
After much thinking and debating...

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000...

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken”

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

“100 million dollars”, says the KFC r...

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One day a priest went fishing.

One day a priest went fishing with one of his flock. They took the boat out and cast their lines.

The priest's line had a fish. When he reeled it in the other man said "Look at the size of that fucker!"

The priest looked shocked and told the man "Heavens! I am a man of the cloth! Pleas...

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A Pope Joke,..

Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously.

Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and h...

The chairman of Perdue Chicken goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

Jim Perdue, CEO of Perdue Chicken, goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. He says "Pope Francis, it is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am a devoted Catholic, and I'm bringing a generous donation today - 2 million dollars - and in return I simply ask you hear a proposal."

Pope Francis sa...

My Uncle said this now that there are two popes

Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complain...

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You Son's of Bitches!

The local Priest is out for a stroll and comes across a fisherman frying up some of his catch. The Fisherman says "Hey, Father you have to try some of these!"

The Priest tries some and says, "Wow these are good! What are they called?" The Fisherman replies "Sons of Bitches!" Well, the Priest...

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
Paddy the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
Paddy the Scotsman replies 'That's nothin...

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The Pope

Liked to sneak out one of the back doors of St. Peter's into an alley so he could hide and masturbate. One day he was enjoying his secret pleasure when he heard a click. He turned to spot a Japanese tourist with a camera. The Pope approached the tourist and said, "My that sure is a nice camera you'v...

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The Pope is on tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in New York.

On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses the ground a ...

The Anti-English Irish priest

There was once an Irish priest named Father Patrick, full of passion and zeal, who hated the English. While his congregation just accepted it as part of his eccentricity, it started to make them uncomfortable when this bigotry seeped into mass.

It got to the point where a small group of them ...