UPJOKE
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

Did you hear about the cardinal who quit his job?

He downright up and left.

Cardinal: Your holiness, do you like fried chicken?

Pope:yes

Cardinal on way to Vatican Doing Crossword In Airplane

Asks guy next to him for help:

"Can you help me, I need the first letter to a 4 letter word and am stuck. I have a guess but I think it's not right. Last 3 letters are unt"

Neighbor: "Yes, of course, it's an A as in Aunt"

Cardinal: "Thank you! Of course. Would you happen t...

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together and discussing how important their sons are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put yo...

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What's the difference between a bluejay and a cardinal?

One's a small, blue bird and the other is fucking your ten year old son.

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

What is the Pope's favorite NFL team?

The cardinals

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

What would Cardinal Pell’s rapper name be?

Cardi P.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

A Cardinal enters the Pope's residence.

"Your Holiness, I have some very good news and some very bad news", he says.

"My son, I've had a hard day. Please give me the good news first to cushion the bad news." The Pontiff requests.

"Your Holiness, I just received a phone call from Jesus and he has returned to Earth to bring Th...

What do you call a Catholic Cardinal's personal medical staff?

Bird watchers.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

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The build up is what makes it

So a priest walks down from the church into the market.

he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.

he had never seen fish like these.

so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"

boy replies "sons of bitches"

priest says" you shou...

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

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The Rabbi and the Cardinal

A large number of Jewish immigrants have moved into a pastoral Italian town. The locals, fearful that resources won't be able to accommodate this influx of people, complain to their local cardinal who agrees to settle the matter. He accepts a challenge to a theological debate with the wisest of th...

A suspicious white substance was found today at Arizona Cardinals practice

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

Mother of God

There were four women bragging on their sons. The first woman says, “Have you heard? My son is a priest. He’s very well respected that when he enters a room or a building, everyone greets him, ‘Hello, Father.’”
“Psh! That’s nothing,” the second woman answers. “My son is a bishop so when he enters...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

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Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

The Pope and one of the Cardinals were sitting around doing crossword puzzles.

The Pope says, "Can you think of a four-letter word meaning 'woman' that ends with the letters, U-N-T?"

The Cardinal thinks for a moment. "Why yes, father. That would be 'AUNT'"

The Pope laughs, "YES! Of course! ...ha ha ha..." (pause) "Got an eraser?"

The prime Minister of Israel invited the Pope to a game of golf,

And since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the Prime Minister that you're sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent ...

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

The pope

The pope is arriving to Roma Airport. The pope car is not ready so a cardinal sends his private driver waiting him to the airport.

When the pope arrives he sees the driver has come with a Ferrari.

The pope says "please, I'm a real fan of nice cars and this car is so wonderful I want to...

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

The pope dies and gets met by Jesus at the gates of heaven.

As they step inside, a ferarri pulls up and a man in red robes steps out with a beautiful blonde on his arm.

Shocked at such impropriety from a Cardinal, the pope asks Jesus what is going on.

"Oh," says Jesus, "he was a pious, celibate man his whole life, so dad gave him the opportuni...

A Jewish man goes to the Vatican

And demands to see the Pope, the cardinals and guards recognize this man from an old family from Jerusalem, and they begin to turn him away.

The Pope happens to be walking around and hears the commotion, and asks what is going on.

One of the cardinals tells him that this man and his fa...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can s...

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The Pope goes into a steakhouse

A waiter immediately rushes up to him, but before he can say anything the Pope holds up his hand. "Please," says the Pope, "no fuss. I just wanted to slip away for a few hours and enjoy some good food." And the waiter gives him a nod and says, "No problem, let's find you a quiet seat at the back whe...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

Paedophilia

It's a cardinal sin.

Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all were men of the cloth

The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His Holiness.'" The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him 'His Excellence' when he enters a room." The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enter...

The Pope gets on an aeroplane and sits next to an Irishman

His cardinals sit behind him and the Irishman. The aeroplane gets high up in the air and the Pope takes out a crossword that he's been solving and gets stuck on one clue. The clue has three letters already filled.

*"14. A woman in your life."*

*"\_UNT"*

The Pope shows the clue t...

The Pope died and they needed a successor.

They considered Cardinal Sicola, but he was not chosen because they didn’t want a Pope Sicola.

The papal elections came down to two contenders:

Cardinal Koch and Cardinal Sea. The votes were tallied and Cardinal Koch won by 1 vote. However, moments later, Koch suffered a massive heart attack.

The Dean came out of the room where they took Koch. He looked at the assembled cardinals. They asked, “Will we have Pope Koch?”. The Dean shook...

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

Did you know Francis was not the first choice to become the new Pope?

Actually it was a lesser know man, Cardinal Herzenbacher.
He'd been a man of God from an early age, a pacifist all his life. When WWII broke out, he was conscripted and forced to fight, and so became a bomber pilot.
A few months into the war he was shot down but survived, miraculously only l...

The Pope & Mr. Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
<...

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Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

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Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pop...

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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone

While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Four women are bragging about there sons

The first one says "mine is a priest and everyone who sees him says oh my father"

The second woman decides to one up the first and says "so what my sons a cardinal and whenever anyone sees him they say oh holy father

The third one says "my sons the pope and anyone who sees him says oh ...

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

Bird Jokes

Just some random bird-brain jokes...

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A flicker

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A wader

What bird can do more that others? Pelican

What two birds met in the insane asylum? A cuckoo and a loon

What bir...

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

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One day the Pope...

Decides to get rid of all the Jews in the Vatican. Of course this brings an uproar in the Jewish community until finally the pope calls for a silent debate for the Jews to stay. So the Jews send the Rabbi.

The Pope and Rabbi start their debate, with the pope raising three fingers. The Rabbi r...

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

Did you hear about the Catholic man who brought a bird into a confessional?

He said he had committed a cardinal sin.

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A Bishop wakes up horny in an Italian Cathedral

He finds a nice quiet corner to have a quick wank. Just as he is finishing off the flash of a camera jars him back to reality. He looks up to see an American tourist with fancy camera in his hands. The Bishop zips up and says “I have to have that camera, will you sell it to me?” The tourist isn’t si...

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The Pope is dying of some unknown disease... and after seeing many many specialists they finally found one...

...that could diagnose the problem. The specialist lets the head Cardinal know the problem, all cardinals confer then go and speak with the pope.
"Your holiness, after talking to the specialist, the only way to save your life is you must have sex with someone."
After much thinking and debating...

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The Pope enjoyed a walk around the Vatican every afternoon.

One afternoon as he is walking in a quiet area, he pulls up his robe and begins to masturbate. Just as he is reaching climax, he hears a click, and turns to see a Japanese tourist snapping pictures. Walking over, the pontiff says "Boy that's a nice camera. Would you consider selling it to me?" The t...

A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a ...

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The Pope.

A guy meets a Cardinal after converting and asks if he can meet the pope. The Cardinal tells him that it takes a lot to earn a meeting with the pope, so the man donates 50 thousand dollars to the church and is granted his wish. The pope starts to make his way down the line of people who wanted to me...

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So the Pope is on the way to his coronation...

...and the cardinals are preparing for his arrival.

One of the cardinals visits a local fisherman and says "I need to catch a fish to serve the new pope tonight".

The fisherman takes him out on his boat and they catch a massive fish.

The fisherman yells "that is a huge son of ...

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