UPJOKE

30 Second Jokes

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted!

30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer?

I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

I witnessed a murder

It took me about 30 seconds before the crows noticed me and left.

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party.

It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.

I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

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I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.

"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."

"I don't have an erection', I responded.
...

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What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?

The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

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What does a Tiktok video and a penis have in common

They're not very long, only last for 30 seconds, and are always dissapointments.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

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For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.

After my birthday dinner my girlfr...

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock i...

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it...

The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"

She said, "I can teach it good manners." 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, "Did you learn your...

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him...

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I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

3 zombies were hungry...

3 zombies were hungry and one of them said "I will be back in a minute" minute later he came back with blood stains on his mouth. Other 2 asked "how did that happen?"
He replied:
"Do you see that pole?"
-"Yes."
"There was a man hiding behind it and I ate him."
Second zombie said "I w...

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Theme parks are like losing your virginity.

You wait ages for a ride, and it’s over in 30 seconds. And you’re probably not the first one on the ride.

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends

It was a brief discussion

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How are a pornstar and a mobile game ad the same?

You watch it for 30 seconds and then hit the "x" button.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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Just seen a lad who I used to go to school with years ago

and we ended up having a bit of a catch up and he revealed he's getting wed soon and it's an arranged marriage that his parents have sorted out for him.

So I was asking about the ins and outs of what goes on and what the bride is like etc.. and he basically tells me that him and his parents h...

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

It’s not what it looks like…

At the final days of WW2 French troops are facing a German trench in 50 meters distance and can only see a single remaining German soldier hanging around there and smoking a cigarette. So with a megaphone they demand that he surrenders. In return they hear the guy shouting “One German soldier is sti...

Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.

Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

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My girlfriend just told me I'm bad at sex

I was glad. That means she's really smart. She can form an opinion in less than 30 seconds

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed...

After 30 seconds all charges were dropped due to a lack of
evidence.

A young man buys a chicken farm out in the country

He doesn't know much about chickens, so he decides to go consult with some of the locals. He finds an old farmer and asks if he might be able to give him some pointers. The old farmer tells him "sure, meet me here at 6am tomorrow and I'll show you the ropes.


The young man gets up and ...

Three blondes get stuck in an elevator

They start panicking and one of the blonde screams "HELP!"...after 30 seconds the second blonde screams "HELP!". Then the third blonde screams "HELP!". Suddenly,one of the blondes speaks up "Hey,what if we scream simultaneously?". Then one of the blonde screams "Simultaneously!"

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

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Masturbation makes you deaf

Click the L button bellow to hear why. It's just a 30 seconds audio.



\[L - button\]

Honeymoon

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."



The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

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Bad Beer?

What's the difference between a clit and Budweiser beer??

A clit only tastes like piss for 30 seconds..

A pair of twins walk into a bar...

A pair of twins walk into a bar.

A man walks up to them and asks:

"So is it true that twins can communicate telepathically"

They look at each other in silence for about 30 seconds when the man says:

"I'm sorry if that was an awkward question, it was stupid of me to ask"...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of the finest whiskey...

The bartender lines them and the guy downs them one after another within 30 seconds.

"Wow," says the bartender. "You sure chugged those fast."

"You'd drink fast, too, if you had what I had!" the guy says.

"What's that?" the bartender asks.

"Thirty-five cents."

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A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber says: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar and onions for a month!"

Penis replies: "Well, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put a bag all over me, put me in a da...

So this dude dies and goes to heaven.

As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies har...

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

What is Elon Musk's favorite band?

30 Seconds to Mars

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A woman says to her friend.

"Sex with my Husband is like the lottery"

Same old balls, no chance of a "69" and after 30 seconds it all ends in a fucking rollover.

My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve

Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

Who are the fastest readers

9/11 victims they went through 52 stories in 30 seconds

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A man who thinks his wife might be cheating on him hires a hit-man..

...The hit-man says it will cost $5000. The man says that's fine but he wants to watch. The hit-man agrees so they find a spot on a nearby roof and wait for the wife to get home.

Eventually the wife comes home and she's with a guy.
The husband is furious but still not sure if she is cheat...

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