13 Jokes - 106 Hilarious 13 Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Room no. 13

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died...

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?

His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

George Bush goes to hell. Classic. First posted on Reddit 13 years ago.

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'...

A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws...

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot neighbor (PG-13)

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me...

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

I told her I had 13 inches

She said “I find that hard to swallow”

Little Suzy had 13 children.

Her husband died and she remarried and had 10 more children.

That husband died and she remarried and had 8 more children.

It was finally time for Suzy to pass away and the preacher was standing at her casket amd said "it's great! they'll finally be together".

One guy says "I w...

My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 in bed

i told her it was pointless, she'll turn 13 next year anyway

Why did the baker have 13 ovens?

They liked to have rebundant systems!

I won an Iphone 13 in a race

The other two competitors are: the owner of the phone and police officers

A man is walking down the street, when he starts to hear a chanting sound coming from behind a fence... 13..13..13..13..13..

As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...

And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A PG-13 Dad Joke

A husband and wife are sitting at a hospital, gazing at their newborn first child, and the man says, "You know what this means, right?"

"What?"

The man smiles at her and says blissfully, "I'm a motherfucker."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the guy with the 2-inch penis say to the guy with the 13-inch penis?

I don’t know yet, I have to check the comments.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.

13...13....13....

A guy is walking by a mental institute and hears a voice inside that keeps repeating "13, 13, 13, 13..."

After a while he stops and wonders what in the world the guy is doing, he starts walking towards the wall and he keeps hearing it "13, 13, 13, 13".

After trying to jump and catch a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Edit1: a typo

Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

Two men heard kids shouting 13

Two men were walking down the sidewalk, heading home. They then heard the shouting of kids saying "Yeah, 13! 13!” Celebrating 13.

One of the men walking down the road asks, "What's going on over there? "

The other man sees a small hole in a wooden fence, and replies "I don't know, I'm ...

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

What does a Russian FSB agent say when he found a Oligarch shot 13 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen

13

A man is walking down a sidewalk and he walks near a mental institute and he hears a crowd yelling, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The man wonders why they are chanting thirteen and sees a hole in the fence and sticks his eye through it and something stabs his eye. The crowd yells, “Fourteen! Fourt...

A 13 year old man walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "There's no such thing as a 13 year old man."

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

What is it called when a jewish sheep turns 13?

A baa mitzvah.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

7, 11 and 13 walk into a bar

7 turns to 11 and 13 and says, "This is a prime example of how odd we are!"

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

Jesus walks into a bar...

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

I was 13 when my dad caught me blowing Bubbles...

I have not seen my dog ever since..

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

Because 5, 8, 13.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my 13 year old brother: I had to pause my game today to take a massive poop...

It was the Call of Doodie.

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors.

#7 won't shock you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

13 reasons why

Hannah: Can I have your wifi password?

Random person: Nah, sorry connection is shit as it is.

Hannah: Welcome to your tape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.

Courtesy of my wife.

So I was talking to my 13 year old friend online....

And out of nowhere she told me she was an FBI agent. How cool is that?!

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

Have you heard the joke about the 13-inch ruler?

Never mind. It's too long.

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.

Most, however, only have 4.

There are 13 types of people in the world.

1. Those that understand false dichotomy jokes.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

Day 13 of being in quarantine as a 20 year old male

It's been 7300 days since i last touched a girl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

I feel sorry for the guy who lost his iPhone 13 Pro on the bus yesterday, I really do…

…but I wish he’d stop calling me on my new cell.

I bought a dozen bees, but the shopkeeper gave me 13

The last one was a free bee

I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?

I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time

On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

Whoa! Looks like r/jokes is gonna turn 13 years old in a few months!

I wonder how low membership will get once all the Catholic priests lose interest.

What did Michael Jackson say to the 13 year old?

Just beat it

A 13 year old boy is getting braces

The young boy is self conscious about the entire ideal. The Orthodontist asks him what color he would like.

Boy: Is clear an option?

Orthodontist: Unfortunately no.

Boy: I don't want it to be obvious, so I think I'll stick with white.

Orthodontist: So it blends with your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. She's funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop...

How cool is that for someone her age??

PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the register, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13,TAMPAX, SUPE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missy Elliot just dropped her first album in 13 years!

Do you think she still followed the 5 second rule?

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

I remember when I was about 13 my mom told me I had to call our Catholic priest “Father”

I said “What do you mean? I been calling him daddy this whole time”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I had an unplanned talk with my 13 years old son about masturbation yesterday...

I told him it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that he should knock before he enters my room.

What is similar between a pregnant 13-years old girl and the fetus?

Both of them are thinking "FRAK! My mom is going to kill me!".

USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?

24/7

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brake...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They're millennial falcons.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.