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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

Little Suzy had 13 children.

Her husband died and she remarried and had 10 more children.

That husband died and she remarried and had 8 more children.

It was finally time for Suzy to pass away and the preacher was standing at her casket amd said "it's great! they'll finally be together".

One guy says "I w...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

A 13 year old man walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "There's no such thing as a 13 year old man."

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

*"No worries. It’s a freebie."*

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

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From my 13 year old brother: I had to pause my game today to take a massive poop...

It was the Call of Doodie.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

I remember when I was about 13 my mom told me I had to call our Catholic priest “Father”

I said “What do you mean? I been calling him daddy this whole time”

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They're millennial falcons.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

75% people are good at maths

I am the other 13%

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

Curiosity killed the cat

One day I was walking by a tall fence. On the other side I could hear a group of people chanting, "12! 12! 12! 12!" Confused, I tried to jump up and see over the fence, to see what's going on but the fence was too tall. A little further up, I saw a small hole in the fence. I walked up to it and pee...

Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: “table for 26, please” Waiter: “I count only 13 people”

Jesus: “Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side”

eBay is useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

I was 13 when my dad caught me blowing Bubbles...

I have not seen my dog ever since..

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

It’s often thought that 13 is an unlucky number.

However, to many Americans, the unluckiest number is 45.

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age....

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.



Courtesy of my wife.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Whoa! Looks like r/jokes is gonna turn 13 years old in a few months!

I wonder how low membership will get once all the Catholic priests lose interest.

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Wife was cleaning 13 year old son's room

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren’t going to have kids.

We’re still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

So if the big bang happended 13.8 billions years and matter cannot be created nor destroyed and our bodies are made out of matter, that means that out bodies are 13.8 billion years old

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, the...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

When you are 100 you get a letter from the Queen

And when you are 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language

I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was “all done” or “wanted more” food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate....

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

Two men heard kids shouting 13

Two men were walking down the sidewalk, heading home. They then heard the shouting of kids saying "Yeah, 13! 13!” Celebrating 13.

One of the men walking down the road asks, "What's going on over there? "

The other man sees a small hole in a wooden fence, and replies "I don't know, I'm ...

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The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

George and Jeff watches TV

George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Jeff: "What happened?"

George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"

Jeff: "That *is* terrible."

Jeff: "I hate counting too."

Day 13 of being in quarantine as a 20 year old male

It's been 7300 days since i last touched a girl

A dumbass,a suicidal person and a gamer walk into a bar

The bartender says: you are 13 why are you in a bar

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

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Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

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20 black people, 13 Jewish people, 18 Chinese people, 10 Russians and 26 white people are in a bar...

It's crowded.

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

While only making up only 13 percent of the population

...people who don’t wear their seatbelt make up half of all car accident deaths. Wear your seatbelt.

My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

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When I was 13 a genie offered me either a great memory or a huge penis

Can't remember what I picked

The 13 year old girl I was talking to told me she was an undercover agent.

How cool is that for somebody her age?

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws...

7, 11 and 13 walk into a bar

7 turns to 11 and 13 and says, "This is a prime example of how odd we are!"

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

A man went to a doctor to get a vasectomy...

The doctor tells him “this a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your family?”

He responds, “yes I have. They’re in favor 13 to 3.”

Archie: "Right guys, so it says 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21 so the next two numbers have to be 34 and 55

Me: "You've gotta be fibbing Archie"

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A drunk man is playing around on a roof.

A drunk man is playing around on a roof when suddenly he trips and starts falling down the 13 story building. As he's falling he starts praying, "please God, I promise if I survive I will never drink again." A miracle happens, he breaks his landing and doesn't die. Checks himself to see if this is r...

13

A man is walking down a sidewalk and he walks near a mental institute and he hears a crowd yelling, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The man wonders why they are chanting thirteen and sees a hole in the fence and sticks his eye through it and something stabs his eye. The crowd yells, “Fourteen! Fourt...

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to fix the clock.

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Hot neighbor (PG-13)

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me...

There are 13 types of people in the world.

1. Those that understand false dichotomy jokes.

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

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Room no. 13

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two go...

Alligators can grow up to 13 feet.

Most, however, only have 4.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

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When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missy Elliot just dropped her first album in 13 years!

Do you think she still followed the 5 second rule?

What did Michael Jackson say to the 13 year old?

Just beat it

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

What do you call a group of 13 people smoking weed?

A baked dozen.

I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?

I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.

A man is walking down the street, when he starts to hear a chanting sound coming from behind a fence... 13..13..13..13..13..

As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...



And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes lo...

I'm 23 and I haven't had my periods yet. My little sis js 17 and had her periods since 13. I feel ashamed to talk to my friends because I don’t know if I have a problem...

Or does it take longer when you're a boy?

One day I'll have to cook for myself to save money.

I'm telling my mother that I'll have to get better at cooking to save money when I move away. My 13 y.o. sister interrupts by saying, "Your water bill from flushing so much will make up for that."

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I was offered sex with a 13 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save $1.50 off your next purchase. Batteries no...

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brake...

A 13 boy year old spent the previous 10 years of his life living with wolves

He is found, and released back into the human world. He sees wonders he never saw before. He is asking about how cars work, how you're not supposed to eat raw meat, how radio works, the constellations, until one day, he walks in on the couple designated to reintroduce him to human society getting bu...

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Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

A Man is walking home when

He passes a large privacy fence. On the other side of the fence he can hear about 3 or 4 children chanting," 12,12,12,12,12" very ritualisticly. He sees a small hole in the fence and gets right up to it so he can see what is happening on the other side. Just as he did a small finger came out of the ...

On January 13, 2018, everyone in Hawaii was mad about the malfunction of the early warning system, the fools…

Hawaii IS the early warning system…

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

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