27 Jokes - 104 Hilarious 27 Jokes

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

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I'm no longer a 27 year old male virgin!

I'm 28 today!

So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years

And then Bill started working from home.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all...

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

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Man, 27, muscular, 9" cock.

Seeking woman that doesn't objectify men.

Hello everyone 27(F), single mom here !

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I've been married to my wife for 27 years but it feels like 27 minutes.

...under water

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

I just bought 27 books

I don't have any shelf control.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time

On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza?

Little ceaser’s.

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

27 times I've asked my son what "insane" means.

He still doesn't know.

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They say Uranus has 27 moons...

I beg to differ, I think it has two moons, a crater, and a wormhole.

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

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An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

27

A small rabbit was simply hopping around a large hole of which the bottom was yet to be seen. Our jolly fellow was hopping around the edge, saying:
27, 27, 27, 27, 27,27, 27, 27...... and so on and so forth
A bear walks up to the the rabbit with a quizzical look on his face.
"Why our you sa...

My girlfriend (26) is always telling me (27) to stop impersonating a flamingo.

Had to put my foot down

Guess who woke up to 27 missed calls from their ex

Destiny, please come back

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

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What do you call 27 West Virginians?

A full set of teeth.

BIack man found shot to death. 27 bullets in total.

Police say it was the worst case of suicide they had seen.

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.

At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.

But how will w...

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

How do you get 27 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

Yell "Everybody out of the pool!"

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test...

I'd have 27¢

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

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Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

Since assuming the title in 2013, Pope Francis has visited more than 27 countries.

I guess he really is a roamin' Catholic.

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NSFW My wife demanded that I get a penis enlarger, so I did. ....

....she's 27 and her name is Heather.

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers

But it was just a miner inconvenience

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A jew called Bernie ran the biggest ponzi schema ever , he took millions from gullible low information people promising them unrealistic returns .

I was talking about Bernie Madoff not Bernie Sanders you a**holes

Donate 27 $ and we can still win the Presidency !!!

Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

I was in a casino on the roulette machine last night, when the man standing next to me turned to me and said, "Black, 27."

I shook his hand and said, "White, 23."

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Dad says to son: "Okay, time to talk about sex"

Son: "Dad, I'm 27, what do you want to talk about?"

Dad: "Show me how to watch porn on a phone"

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she sna...

And how old are you?

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

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The Penis Study

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to ...

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her moth...

What's the difference between a bitcoin and a bitcoin and a bitcoin and a bitcoin and a bitcoin?

\-5%, +12%, -34%, +27%.

I saw 3 men at the urinals.

The first man was peeing 2 streams.
I asked him why.
He said "Accident at my circumcision."

The second man was peeing 4 streams.
I asked him why.
He explained "I lost a fight with a rottweiler."

The third man was peeing 27 streams.
I said "What on earth happened to you??...

What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I didn’t understand money…

I would have 27 cents.

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

For all the baseball fans..

How does a Yankee fan change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about how great the past 27 were.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the ot...

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Warning: Over 18 only!

19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31

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My mom sent me this joke

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

27% of women think their ass is too fat.

9% of women think their ass is too skinny.

And the remaining 64% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wou...

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

Wife was in the ICU

Doctor : It seems she is in coma.

Husband : Please save her. She is just 28.

*Suddenly the ECG started beeping. A hand moved and her lips mumbled*

And she spoke, " **I'm 27** "

People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me...

This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

My yearly salary is over six figures.

I bring in a cool $27,739.48 per year.

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

A man is spending his first night in prison...

He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many t...

Luck with the age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walk...

A bird was flying when it laid an egg. But it didn't fall to the ground. Why?

Because it was wearing underwear.

This was my cousin's favourite joke when she was around 4 years old (she's 27 now) and she made it a point to tell EVERYONE she met because she came up with it herself.

I'm 100% me.

I'm 73% bad at math, and 27% full of self doubt.

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A blonde in her early 50's hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles...

She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.

The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and s...

The sun doesn't have to go to college...

Because it already got 27 million degrees.

How many skateboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...but it takes him 27 tries

Whats the difference between me and Phillip Schofield?

It only takes me 27 seconds to dissapoint my wife.

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

I was wondering what my parents did in their free time when they were young

I asked my 27 siblings and they didn’t know either.

A giraffe walks into a Californian bar....

And says to the bartender "I'll have a bourbon and coke and 27 straws please, all joined together to make one large straw" the bartender, while perturbed, fulfills the giraffes order. Painstakingly joining all straws together.

The next day the giraffe comes back and orders the same. T...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

What's with all the clocks?

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.

**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?

**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are...

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Jerome comes home from third grade one day

and asks his mom, "Mom, I have the biggest dick in class, is it because I'm black?"

And his mom says, "Now Jerome, don't be a bigot. You don't have the biggest dick in the third grade because your black, it's because you're 27!"

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

The daughters won 27-3.

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

My friend with narcolepsy is looking forward to Christmas

Only 27 sleeps now

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A boy and his teacher

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 2.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 8.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 8".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with...

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

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A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."

The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. Aft...

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