UPJOKE
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Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

20 years ago...

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

God please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What do you call $100 when it's paid out in 20 dollar bills?

The Jackson 5

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A guy walks with two bags in his hands. One of them is torn and 20$ bills are slipping out.

Someone stops him and ask:
- Why is there so much money in your bag?
- When there is a sport game in town, I hide in the bushes nearby and when someone goes to take a piss, I say “Give me 20$ or I cut it off!”
- Ok, and what’s in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays…

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

How do you see yourself in 20 years?

In a mirror.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

[NSFW] I've been giving the same guy handjobs for over 20 years.

Being single is the WORST!

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

Doctor: I'm afraid you lost 20% of your sight.

Me: *(sigh)*

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

A single guy finds an ad in the newspaper: "Find Your Soul Mate! $20!"

He thinks, "eh, why not?" and calls the number. A minute later, an Australian guy shows up with ghost hunting equipment. When the single guy asks what it's for, the Australian says: "I'm here to find your soul, mate."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

Your mother has been with us for 20 years, said John.

Isn’t it time she got a place of her own? My mother? replied Helen. I thought she was your mother.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal.

Now I make $20,000.00

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second best time was 20 years minus one Planck time ago.

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

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Three men are discussing whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer.

So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

Why was the prog-rock song 20 minutes long?

It was only part I.

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

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My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

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What do you call a guy with 20 rabbits up his ass.

Warren

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

A blonde and her friend were watching the news

A blonde and her friend were watching the news when all of a sudden a breaking news about a man threatening to jump off a building pops up.

"Hey I'll bet you 20 bucks that he will jump" said the blonde's friend.

"You're on!" said the blonde, "the easiest 20 bucks i'll ever make!" ...

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old.

Damn snitch.

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Paddy’s wife has never had an

orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggested Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.
I'll...

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

if 20+20 is 40

21+21 is 40 too

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

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Nate and the chicken

Nate had just gotten out of prison, after serving a 5 year sentence for drug possession. He wanted to get laid, so he went to a brothel. The rates were well out of his price range, as he only had $20, but the madam of the brothel said, "Ok. I'll cut you a deal. We have a chicken you can fuck. Now, I...

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

Nobody cared for 4/20 two years ago, but it's okay...

This April will be 4/20 too.

Anybody caught breaking the rule...

**Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined.**

**On the first day of university the Dean is addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules.**

**“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students.**

...

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

I think the 80/20 principle applies to many things in life.

For instance, I'm drinking 80% of my recommended monthly intake tonight; therefore there's a 20% chance I'll be attending work this week.

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The average horse weighs 1000lbs

The average horse weighs about 1000lbs
The average horse's cock is 20 inches
Thats a ratio of 50lbs per inch
Therefore, if a 200lb man has a 4 inch cock
He's technically hung like a horse

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

My kid asked me what was I doing in my 20's.

I told him that I used to throw his siblings on tissue papers.

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When asked what he did for a living, what did the glassmaker say?

About 20 blowjobs a day, and a lot of twisting

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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Four wealthy businessmen meet at a formal party at the bar, as it comes to a close.

After spending some time talking, one says "We haven't yet said what we do for a living, but **I bet a beer from each of you** that I can **guess** what your jobs are. I currently work for the IRS as an investigator, previously as a speculative analyst and behavioral psychiatrist, so I've been watch...

One night, back when I was in my late 20's, I was at a bar having a cold one.

An attractive older woman - probably late 30's or early 40's - sat down next to me, and we began chatting. After a couple hours and several drinks, she asks me, "Hey, have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"

"No, I haven't," I reply.

"Would you like to?" she asks, ey...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

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My prince album cost me $20

But I partied like it was $19.99

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them. She was shocked as he hadn't been like this for 20 years.

Then her husband said: "Look! My new watch glows in the dark!

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called h...

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar in a small town he just moved in to, orders a drink and quietly sits down at the bar.

Shortly after, another man drinking at a table stands up, and shouts "43!" and everyone in the bar bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The man shrugs it off, and co...

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An old man goes to the Doctor. He says, "I have a date tonight with three young ladies and I need some Spanish Fly.

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as Spanish Fly."

The old man say' "C'mon Doc! Did you hear me? *Three* young ladies! I'll never be able to keep up with them without some Spanish Fly!"

The Doctor says, "Sir! There is no such thing as Spanish Fly! That is a m...

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

An American, An Indian and a Brazilian were arrested in Brazil

A Brazilian judge senteced them to rounds of whipping, but since the judge was merciful he decided to give all three of them one wish

The judge to the american: You're american, i dislike your people, too many guns and you're too fat, what's your wish?

The American: i want a pillow tie...

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In 2019 I had 20/20 vision.

It was shit.

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The wife was unable to reach an orgasm.

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

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Never have sex before 20.

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

Weird Lubricant Order.

During 11:00PM a fellow of 20 years goes into a pharmacy in a big hurry and ordered all the vaseline and similar lubricants he could buy.
The doctor was a bit sceptical about the whole thing, but he carried out the order and the fellow run like no tomorrow.
Just 1 hour later he comes back ...

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

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Last night was the first night ever in a 20 year marriage me and the wife had sex with the light turned on...

I always assumed she used a strap-on.

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

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20 Minutes

An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks, "Sir, I'm interested what would you do if you thought you only had 20 minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?" asked the old man. "Well, under t...

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

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NSFW (Joke Translated from Arabic) A man goes to the pharmacy for Viagra...

He askes the pharmacist if the viagra really works and will make him last long?

The pharmacist says "yes! And now the box is on sale for $15.00!"

The man says "I only have a $20.00, can you make change?"

The pharmacist does not have change. So the man takes his little blue pill...

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

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Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

I'm saying goodbye to r/jokes for a little while.

My wife says I'm on Reddit every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice. So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.

After 20 years, I finally managed to teach rodents how to dance.

When I asked my colleagues what they thought, all they had to say to me was, "Conga rats."

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

Ouch

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

The Brass Rat

One day a guy was browsing in an antique shop. He didn't find anything he liked and was about to leave, when suddenly at the back of a shelf he spied a brass rat. It was fascinating, the detail was incredible, he couldn't take his eyes off it. He brought it up to the counter to ask how much it wa...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

I've run over 20 marathons

Still can't get the blood completely off of my front bumper

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of tequila...

... The bartender looks toward the door, expecting to see 19 more folks walk through the door. That doesn't happen.

"C'mon, man! I don't have all day!' exclaims the customer.

The bartender dutifully pours out 20 shots of tequila. Just as he's pouring the last one, the customer begins s...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Why did 20 Blondies wait outside the bar?

They had to be 21 to enter

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down they’re really good people

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