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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What were you expecting, a pi joke on my cake day?

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

Whats 3/4ths of 2020?

Covid-19.

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When 3 people have sex it's called a threesome.

When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome.

Now I understand why they call me handsome.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

I'm an antivax parent, I want to keep my 3 children healthy

edit: 2 children

edit: 1 child

3 men died and meet up in front of God to be sent to heaven.

God asks the 1st person, ''How many times did you cheat on your wife"

The man replies with "Six, and I deeply regret it".

God gives him a clapped out 1.6 VW Golf MK4.

Upon asking the same question to the 2nd man to be presented with the answer of "I cheated on my wife 3 times", ...

A Genie grants a person 3 wish

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

A genie came up to me and told me I have 3 wishes

For my first, I asked for money, he gave me money

For my second, I asked for world peace, he gave me world peace

For my third I asked my family to be happy, he was concerned, asking me if I'm sure, I told him I am

Then I started fading away

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

There are 3 types of people in this world

People who can count
And people who can't.

Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters”

Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”. I was way off.

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

Is 3 followers a lot?

On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes.

It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay

but we partied like it was $19.99

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at 3 am...

The little boy says, "Golly! It sure is dark and scary out here!"

"You think you're scared," says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone..."

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender doesn’t say anything and gives him his three beers,the man drinks all three and leaves

This goes on for a couple weeks and eventually the bartender gets curious enough to ask.

He says “Why do always buy three beers at once ?”

The man says to the bartender “ Back in...

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

the driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine,turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave
him money,the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver,the driver was shocked thinking the third guy kne...

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A pi-rate.

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at my head.

It's o.k. though, as my injuries are only super fish oil.

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

3 logicians walk into a bar

The barkeep says, “do you all want a drink? “

The first one says “ I don’t know”
The second one says “I don’t know”
The third one says “yes”

My 3 favourite things:

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 3 days.

The box said 5-6 years.

I have 8 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears. What am I?

Ugly

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

The 3 hardest things to say:

I was wrong.

I need help.

Worcestershire Sauce

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no matches or a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9

The odds were not in my favor

A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars.

Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.

What's a 3 line poem that overthrows a government?

A Hai-coup

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day

It's my Pie Day

Pie Day's over, get out of my house

My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.

A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train ...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

My 5 year olds goto joke: What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

3 brothers.

Once upon a time, there were 3 brothers named Somebody, Nobody and Crazy. One day, Somebody killed Nobody, and Crazy run to the police station and told to the police that "Somebody killed Nobody" and the police asked "Are you crazy?" Crazy answered "Yes I'm Crazy" and he got kicked out"

Did you hear the one about the 3 giant holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

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3 Souls We Walking Towards the gates of afterlife.. The soul in the middle asked to the soul on his left, "How Did You die?",

'I was painting the walls of the 14th floor of an apartment, i slipped and fell, but somehow while falling i got hold of the railings of the balcony 2 floors below. I was so relieved, as i was trying to pull myself up a mad guy from the floor above yelled at me and pushed down a wardrobe over me, so...

What do you call a python which is exactly 3.14m long ?

A πthon

Use 3 words to describe your vocabulary

Limited

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

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My wife wants sex about 3 times a month. I want sex about 10 times a month.

So we compromise and have sex about 3 times a month.

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last.

We just don't see eye to eye.

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

My 3 year old's first joke: what did the lumberjack say to the tree?

I saw you.

3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

They say that 1 out of every 3 people in a serious relationship will be unfaithful at some point.

Now I've just got to figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend.

Men have 3 knees.

A right knee, a left knee, and a weenie.

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I decided to do something for my community and open a shelter for 3-legged dogs

It’s called “Bitches be Trippin’”

Mr. Spock actually had 3 Ears!

A left ear, a right ear

and a final front ear

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said “here keep your purse”

I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75

Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive!

I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A wonkey.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda was in charge of the scheduling.

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ?

Piiig.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my...

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

After my 2nd annual mathletes championship I’ve noticed there are 3 types of people..

Those who can count and those who can’t.

3 Nuns go for a walk

The 3 Nuns walk past a large bush. From the bush, a naked man jumps out.

The first 2 Nuns do nothing, the third has a stroke.

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

3-Italian Nuns Go To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six-months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be...

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

came inside my wife in 3.142 seconds

call that a cream π

Why does a milking Stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the Utter

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

There are 3 ways to get something done

1: Do it yourself

2: Hire someone to do it for you

3: Forbid your kids from doing it.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...

Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back

Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.

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What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

Marriage involves 3 rings.

The first is the engagement ring.

The second is the wedding ring.

The last one? The suffering

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ?

A pi-thon

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

3 Women, a Blonde, Brunette, & a Redhead are running from the Cops when they get Surrounded

So the Brunette Points and Says, "Look an Avalanche"
The Cops look, when they look back the Brunettes Gone.
So the Redhead Points and says, "Look a Rockslide"
The Cops Look, and when they look back, the Redheads gone
So finally the Blonde goes, "FIRE"
And they Shoot her

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

My teacher asked what 117 + 3 was...

“5!” I answered excitedly.

Two guys walk into a bar. Now the first guy is the picture of health, 6’3”, looks like an athlete, whereas the second guy is late 70s, on a zimmer frame, and only 4 foot high.

But what’s really weird about the pair is that, apart from a few wrinkles, they have EXACTLY the same face, like it’s freakishly uncanny.

So the first guy gets to the bar and orders a drink. The barman looks over at the second guy, sat at a table, coughing and spluttering, and says “hey, you...

There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?

The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.

And the man in the room, Himalayan.

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3 old man we’re chatting at the retirement home

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every mornin...

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

I haven’t talked to my wife in 3 years

I don’t like to interrupt people

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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There was a king with 3 dogs

This king had 3 dogs to train and wanted to know who could train them really well.
So he invited the best 3 masters in the world for that, all of them had a bag of bread and was locked up in a cell with the dogs for a month.
The first master to exit the cell with a fat dog and he was skin...

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

3 people try to escape a mental institution

They decide to kill the three guards and leave. One guard is in the room with them, another in the hallway, and another guarding the gate. They kill the one in the room, kill the one in the hallway, and then make their way down to the main gate. When they arrive at the main gate, they find out the g...

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