UPJOKE
closenearbyadjacentapproachnighnearlyapproximatealmostcome nearaboutvicinitydearvirtuallymostgood

Nearly Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexbot is nearly complete

I just need to work in a few kinks!


…Later, when they find my dead body:

"Seems like this robot… turned on its creator!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

Who’s the Pokémon that can be found in the home of nearly every lonely adult?

Sudowoodo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year.

I don't like to interrupt her.

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

Can’t believe it’s nearly 1996

and they haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer’s

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

I have a copy of nearly every Psychology Today magazine ever published

You could say I have a lot of issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

2020 is nearly over.

So either it gets even harder and defeats us. Or we make it through to next year. Either way, 2021.

Why did Wyoming grant women the right to vote nearly a century before the 19th Amendment?

It wasn’t hard to convince the 5 people who lived in Wyoming

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

With lockdown 3 nearly upon us...

I saw a guy with 12 cases of San Miguel, 5 Paellas and 7 Sombreros. I think Hispanic buying.

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is impossible to stick in nearly half the time but too damn easy to pull out?

Those damn USB keys.

I have very nearly signed up for Danish language classes

I just need to dot the A's and cross the O's

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

A man nearly 7ft tall walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. After finishing his drink he walks off to use the bathroom. He comes out, seemingly unaware that his fly is down and sits down at a piano and begins to play.

A woman walking past looks down at the man while he plays and exclaims "why, thats the biggest piani...

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hunter nearly kills himself.

Bill and Bob were out hunting and Bob decides he has to go take a shit. It was still early in the morning and he ended up falling asleep while he was doing his business. Meanwhile, Bill killed a deer and had field dressed it. He went to check on the Bob and found him sleeping, with his ass hanging o...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into a tree?

Poetry!

what do people do if a furry nearly drowns

give them furs-taid


yeah its not that good ik

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

A man nearly met Glen Close...

But no cigar.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

Nearly every country in the world uses metric, except for America...

because America has a foot fetish.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

I nearly married my last girlfriend...

... she was another one of my near Mrs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

I nearly had a 3some last night

just needed two more people

"An early human" and "A nearly human" are spelled the same except for how you use the space bar.

They never thought of that, which makes us superior.

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

Nearly became a Doctor

Only a few of my friends know that I nearly became a doctor. But this is what happened.

When I was young in the 1970's, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked of us was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the na...

I found myself at a growler the other night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

Someone had laced my drink

What do you call a Scotsman who's nearly at his house?

Hamish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Kasparov beat Carlsen I cheered so loud I nearly lost my voice.

Now I’m a hoarse chess nut.

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

Guy goes to the beach during storm and nearly drowns...

Lifeguard rescues him and says "the hell were you thinking?!"

Guy says "they were *waving* me in."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.