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26 Jokes

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."

"But you're only 13"

"Yes, but we're all going to sit on one side."

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

My wife and I were both happy for 26 years

Then we met.

26% of people on their deathbed tell a joke right before they die.

Not me. That's the last thing I'd ever do.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.....

I slammed €1,000 down on the bookies counter demanding to put it all on A2Z at 26/1

It was a real alpha bet.

(I don't care if it's terrible, I made myself laugh with it)

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Saturday’s Funnies, 26 September 2020.

Saturday’s Funnies, 26 September 2020.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and ...

You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

Can't believe the film Groundhog Day came out 26 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters?

Not "z".

What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble?

An alpha bet.

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

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John 10:26

Holy shit I gotta get up for work!

It took 26 years for Einstein to develop a theory about space.

It was about time, too.

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

At 26 years old. I just learned

That the Austin Powers movies are James Bond spoofs.

TLDR: The joke is my life.

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A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become ar...

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

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I was offered sex today by a 26 year old woman..

In exchange of that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is Just as strong as ajox. The super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

My girlfriend (26) is always telling me (27) to stop impersonating a flamingo.

Had to put my foot down

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26 years of dealing with shit between them...

And my ass cheeks are still together.

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

Teacher: "All right class, open up to page 26."

Me: *flips to page 26* "I don't even know... I just feel like my mom will never be proud of me."

Found out today that the sun is around 26% helium.

That must be why it’s so light.

To be 26 again

A man in his late 40s was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked her what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be 26 again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
...

I'm really good friends with all 26 letters of the alphabet

But I'm hoping to get to know you better.

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An elderly Man goes to the Doctor.

Man:"Doctor i need help, recebtly i got a new Girlfriend, 26 years old and im pretty much impotent can you help me?"

Doctor:"I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants."

The Man drops his Pants and the Doctor puts a syringe in his Penis, containing a blue liquid.

The...

Men at 26 plays football,

Men at 26 plays football,
Men at 40 plays tennis,
Men at 60 plays golf,
have you noticed every time you get older
your ball gets smaller

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

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Doctors advice to a 92 year old man marrying a 26 year old woman

Doctor: At this age sex can be fatal

Man: I don’t fuckin care if she dies!

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

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20 black people, 13 Jewish people, 18 Chinese people, 10 Russians and 26 white people are in a bar...

It's crowded.

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As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old virgin anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

Hear about the guy who tried to sell the 26 northernmost counties of Texas?

He was arrested for panhandling.

What's the best part about dating 26 year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory

that's over 60%

The husband of a couple married for 26 years forgot their anniversary.

The wife being furious, said, to make up for this there had better be something in the driveway when I wake up that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. The next morning when she looked out the window, she saw a large box with a ribbon tied around it. Excited, she ran outside and unwrapped it. To her su...

A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog

when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold.

He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd th...

I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending...

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidentia...

I just lost my job as a clown, so I'm selling my car...

It's a bargain: one owner, 11000 miles, seats 26

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Pervert.

I am really pissed off with the pervert who jumped my fence last night and stole a pair of my wife's panties off of the clothes line, enough is enough, you can keep the panties, but please return the 26 pegs.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I wonder...

I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice.

It all makes sense now

Jack: Rose! There’s enough room, you can save me!
Rose: There’s one thing you should know about me Jack. I’m actually 26 years old!
Jack: …
Rose: Jack?
Jack: *drifts away into the dark depths of the ocean*

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Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

It was only three times... promise.

Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky,...

What do Leonardo Dicaprio and my house have in common?

They both say No.26

What is the best age a woman can be dated?

26+ Cause then you don't have to worry about Leonardo DiCaprio stealing your girlfriend.

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The ot...

Warning: Over 18 only!

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A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

Mental hospital

A man was walking beside tha wall of a mental hospital then he heard all the patients shouting 25,25,25 continuously. He thought what is happening inside why they are shouting 25,25,25 then he saw a hole in the wall and he peeped through it and at that moment someone from other side of the wall pok...

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

Yo momma

Yo momma's so fat, her measurements are 36-24-26, and that's just her left arm.

Why is 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 was convicted of 26 murder charges

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

Too many letters in the alphabet

A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students. As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26. After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.

She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphab...

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

Three Terrorists apply for ISIS ...

* First Terrorist enters the job interview:

Q: Name?

A: Mohammed.

Q: Biggest accomplishment?

A: Robbed a Bank, killed 2 Officers.

Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?

A: 26.

* Second Terrorist enters:

Q: Name?

A: Ibrahim.

Q: B...

I didn't get this joke ? please help

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years
in prison. The warden
takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell
with a kindly oldtimer
so that he can be shown the ropes and not
get himself in trouble.

So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the
rules of the prison, what
to do, ...

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.

“Oh dear.”

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

First Night in Prison

A man settles into his cell on his first night of a long prison sentence. The guard leaves and the lights turn off for the night. A few seconds later, someone yells, "18!", and everyone in the cell block starts laughing. A few minutes later, someone else yells, "34!", and again the entire cell bloc...

I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.

"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"

You mean 9 months.

"Ken is 24 months!"

Deborah, he's 2.

"My baby is -26 weeks old!"

No, Karen, you miscarried.

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