A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?

When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.

I like my women like I like my cars

1-2 previous owners, no major damage and a big trunk

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident...

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

I got a car for my girlfriend

Best trade I've ever made.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

Dad: *washes car with his son*

Son: "You know, we could just use sponge."

A man was driving in a car with his wife.

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

A Haudi

What's a cowboy's favorite car?

Audi, partner.

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, tupid.

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A Florida state trooper pulls a car over and walks up to the passenger window.

A lady who appears to be in her 80s rolls down her window and the officer asks for her license and registration.

She opens the glove box and the officer sees a Glock in the glove box. He asks her if she has any other weapons in the car.

She opens the center console and shows him ano...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one could be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.

Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and ...

Why did the convertible car kill a man?

Because it's roofless.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thin...

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

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Did you hear about the wooden car? It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, a wooden chassis and a wooden gearbox...

And the fuckin' thing wooden even go.

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Got into a car accident today

I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?’

What noise does a French police car make?

Oui u oui u oui u

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

A car

Therapist: So what brought you two here?


Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally?


Therapist: What about you?


Husband: A car.

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Car Battery and a Bra walk into a Bar...

Car Battery and a Bra, walk into a bar.
The Car battery asks the Barman “Two beers please mate for my partner and I”
The Barman looks at the Car Battery and Bra and refuses to serve them.
The car battery, looking confused asks why?
The Barman replies “ Because your friend is off her tit...

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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

My Korean car broke down on me today...

It left me completely Hyundrai

Guy driving a car stops by a hooker

...and asks: -What can You do for a 100 bucks?

She replies: -Anything You want, baby.

\-Hop in, You'll help me lay the foundation for my garden shed.

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

100 years ago, everyone had a horse, and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted

If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

I got arrested for breaking and entering a car dealership ..

In my defence, the salesperson told me I could sleep on it.

What do you call a father without a car?

The walking dad.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pu...

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m changing

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

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I had sex in a car for the first time last week...

Too bad it was in a hearse!

You know you shouldn't have bought that second-hand car when...

...the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

My car got stolen the other day.

The police asked me if I saw the thief's face.

I told them, "no, but I got their license plate"!

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic...

The mechanic says “Go get something to eat, this will take a while.”

So the penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor across the street. He orders his ice cream but his flippers can’t hold onto the cone. So he just dives right in.

Ice cream is everywhere.

Afterward, he walks ...

It was so hot today that I didn't dare to leave my dog alone in the car.

In the end I decided to leave my baby there too to keep him company.

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"

The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"

The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

and then the...

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

[First day as a car salesman]

Customer- cargo space?
Me- car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager- Can i see you in my office?

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

Why are so many Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars Fords?

So kids can get used to pushing them at an early age

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor, when he gets home his wife asks him, "What did the doctor say?"

He responds "the doctor says I have a flukie"

Not knowing what a flukie is she goes and asks her neighbor what she should do to treat it, Her neighbor tells her "I do...

What car does Whitney Houston drive?

Hyndaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiii

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lorena Bobbit is in her car, escaping moments after cutting off her husbands penis

The penis is on the seat beside her. An old married couple is approaching in the opposite direction in their car. Finally, disgusted, Lorena flings the bloody penis out her window just as she’s passing the old couple. The dick hits their windshield, splatters and bounces off.
After a long pause ...

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Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

A couple of trees were shopping for a car...

They bought a two-cedar.

Why do the British build cars, but not computers?

They can't figure out how to get computers to leak oil.

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

What would Zeus’s car be called?

Greece Lightning

Why are there no electric cars in Africa?

Because of madaGASCAR 🇲🇬

Had a dream i was a car.

When i woke up, i was exausted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

So the Pope is super early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the ...

A Cop Pulls Over A Car

Cop- Where are you headed? What do you do for a living? Who’s car is this?

Miner- mine

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

I got hit by a rental car today

It really Hertz.

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

What does a gangster on an island say when they see a non-electric car?

Madagascar

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

A man and his mother were very far behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day the man had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what ...

My car told me a joke today

Knock knock

It was an expensive joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun driving a car ??

Virgin mobile

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”

“Nice! Where is it?”

“No idea...”

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

Why are 17-year-olds like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

I got sick of that annoying noise in my car

So I opened the door and pushed her out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

I fixed the President of Russia's car

No matter how much grit I Putin, it kept on Stalin

Two crisps are walking down the street a man pulls up in a car and asks "would you like a lift?"

The crisps say "no thanks we're walkers"

This morning on the way to work, I wasn't really paying attention and i drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

I found striking similarities with my car and my girlfriend

Both don't exist.

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

I got back to my car after shopping and found a note on the windscreen.....

.... it said PARKING FINE. I thought that’s a nice compliment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three engineers in a car.

One was ***an electrical engineer***, one was ***a chemical engineer*** and one was a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested ***stripping down*** the elec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

Why are cows scared of cars?

They're afraid they might end up on the grill.

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a cop pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The cop says: "Have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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