An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

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Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

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A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

There's a man in the town who's stealing wheels of police cars..

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

What is a cowboy's favorite car?

You think it would be the Mustang, but he trusts his life with his reVolvo.

P.S. please no comments about the StetsonWagon....

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

My mum said I couldn’t make a car out of durum wheat flour...

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

If apple made a car would it have windows?

No, Microsoft wouldn’t allow it.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car

Yeah he was playing on the road again

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My mate said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

A man gets pulled over by a cop for driving with a rhino in his car.

"Sir, are you aware that driving with a rhino in your car is illegal?" The cop said. The man looks bewildered.

"Really? I had no clue!"

"I'll let you off this time, but only if you promise to take it straight to the zoo."

The man agrees and the cop lets him go.

A week lat...

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Late one night, a cop shines his spotlight on a car parked in a church parking lot. He sees an older man in the backseat with a younger woman.

"Okay," the cop says to the man. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get out of the car. Now!"

The older man protests, telling the cop, "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

"I don't give a shit if you're already up her ass, get the fuck out of the car."

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. “Dave! I’ve just saw your car being stolen."

He said “Didn’t you try to stop them?”

I said, “No, but don’t worry. I got the registration.”

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

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Men look at sex like parking a car

There’s a spot. Look there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind.

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Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear???

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad thinks this will go viral. I disagree.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert when their car breaks down.

Thinking quickly, the brunette decides they should all start trying to scavenge and collect supplies for the long walk to the nearest gas station.

The other two girls agree, so they begin their hunt.

The brunette grabs her knife from the car and cuts a few cacti open, hoping to col...

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit

It was a Lamb Bikini

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

Emmanuel, is your car automatic?

— it’s manual



— hey Manual, is your car automatic?

Simon say's, man who runs behind car will get exhausted,

but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I already have a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. …

I would drive my first car every day, and only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

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A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

Why did the NASCAR driver die in the car wreck?

Because he was indy car when it happened

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Sorry it's a long one. A man is driving when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere so he walks to the nearest house

When he knocks the door is opened by a Chinese man who happily agrees to help him and says he may spend the night. But he says do not touch my daughter or you will suffer 3 Chinese tortures.

The man agree and goes to sleep but is awakened by the man's daughter who is stunning and he can't he...

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car

The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: “Can you look if there any car is coming”

The passenger turns and looks back and says: “No there’s no car coming”.

Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.

Driver turns to pass...

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe?

The czech engine light.

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car?

He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins”

Guy said “no, I need you to be here faster. It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”

If you lose your license take all the shock absorbers off your car.

Then you won't be driving on a suspension.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

So, a Frenchman, an American and a Russian are at a car show.

Frenchman looks at the show car and says "we French also have good cars. At home we drive Citroen, but when we go abroad we drive the luxurious Renault".

The American agrees, and says "we also drive Ford pickups at home, but abroad we drive Cadillacs to impress".

The Russian thinks for...

A blonde forgot car keys in the car.

A few hours later she was rescued by her husband who got her out of the car.

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so....

Chivalry is dead. If you see a guy opening a car door for a gal

Either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.

Man car naps just hit different,

When you’re the one driving.

My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there.

My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"

I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma"

Why do dogs prefer manual cars?

They like driving a stick

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your pic...

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

A doctor, a teacher and a comedian die in a car accident.

Fortunately, they all got in to heaven and are given an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?"

The doctor says "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family...

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

What do you call a person who’s being chased by a car?

Tyred!

What do you call a person who’s chasing a car?

Exhausted!

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, “have you been drinking, father?”

The priest says, “Just water.”

The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, “Good Lord, He’...

What happens to a frog’s car if it breaks down?

It gets toad away!

What do you call a car concentrating on crossing a river?

Ford Focus

A mechanic finished up repairing a car and his apprentice is writing up the invoice...

Apprentice says: "Boss, the total of the invoice comes up to $876".
The boss responds: "Round it up to an even thousand."

Few seconds later, the boss pipes up again: "Actually, put it at $1126, so it doesn't look rounded."

What’s a hispanic’s most reliable car?

A Mazda

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his own car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

What does a cat need to drive a car?

A purrmit :3

I've decided I'm not going to use my car indicators anymore.

It's really nobody's business where I'm going.

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An uber please.

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

“Get in the car”

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

A man made a car.

Unlike other cars, the entire thing was made of wood. The wheels, the steering wheel, the seats, etc.
One day, he decided to try it out. But for some reason,













it wooden work.

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What is everyones best yugo (shitty car) jokes?

My favorite joke is:

How do you double the value of your yugo?

Fill the tank with gas

Today I won a car by picking a lock.

It also came with a dog and a baby inside

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

Do you think more people will realize that their cars have a built in feature called a “turn signal” and that it can be turned on and off with a stick next to their steering wheel now that they are hanging their face masks from it?

Probably not.

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

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A man who looks exactly like Conway Twitty has car trouble and goes looking to use a phone...

He gets to a neighborhood, knocks on the first door he comes to. A woman answers the door.

"Oh my God, you're Conway Twitty!" She shouts.

"No ma'am, I hear that all the time, but I'm not him, my car broke down, may I use your phone?"

"Well if you're not him, you're not using my ...

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

WHAT DID THE DAD SAY WHEN HE PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE?!

Man this takes me back.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bird shit on my car last night...

I won’t be taking her out again.

A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A girl and her mom are in a car.

Girl: "Why is my name Rose?"

Mom: "Your dad loves roses."

Girl: "Why is my brother named Robin?"

Mom: "Your dad loves the bird."

Girl: "Then why is my sister named Secretary?"

Mom: "That's why we are driving away from home."

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven (repost with correct grammar)

They are received in heaven by St Francis who says, "As you can see, there're a lot of ducks on the floor. If you step on one, you will be forced to live with an ugly woman for the rest of eternity." The men agree.


Five minutes later, the first man accidentally steps on a duck, so an ang...

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, Tupid!

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

I saw a sheep driving a car in a swim suit

It was a Lambikini

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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

What kind of car cooks?

A chefrolet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, George and Clint are riding in a car....

When the car is hit by a bus and they all die. When they wake up they are in heaven standing in front of god and god asks why the men look upset, they all share their sadness for leaving earth so soon and would do anything to be able to have one last chance back on earth. God decides he will give th...

What happened to the Frog when he wrecked his car?

He got TOAD!

It's probably not safe for me to drive this car.

But I could since bad breaks have never stopped me.

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

I need a new car, I can't seem to hang onto my Fords.

I always seem to lose my Focus.

A Swedish friend of mine told me how he lost everything when the car company he worked for went out of business.

It was a real Saab story.

When I returned to my car there was a compliment on my wind screen

It said “parking fine”

Schroedinger is driving along in his car...

...When he is suddenly pulled over by the police whereupon they ask him to open his trunk.

The cop comes to the drivers side

Cop:”Sir where you aware there is a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schroedinger: “Well he certainly is now!”

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving home one day and hears a voice that says "Sell your car, sell your house, take all the money and go to Vegas"

He thinks it's weird, and that he's imagining things.

Same thing happens the next day, and then again, every day for weeks. Finally after about a month he decides to do it. Sells his car, his house, takes all the money and flies to Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice sa...

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