My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

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Not sure I like my new car salesman. I called and asked if there was any wiggle room on buying a new Tesla. He said, "Sure thing!"

"Bring wife on down and we'll dicker!"

Why couldn't the pimp wash his car?

He had kinky hose.

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

What did the trafic light say to the car?

Don't look, I'm about to change

A car starts suddenly swerving all over the road.

It cuts across the center line, whips back to the shoulder and then back into its lane. It continues to do this over and over until a cop pulls the vehicle over.

When the cop approaches the vehicle, he notices that the driver is a blonde. He asks her why she was swerving all over the road and...

What do you call an electron who fixes cars?

A quantum mechanic.

Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

A woman had 100 children

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

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A Brand New Car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a bran...

What do you call a Vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from the blood bank?

A cab!

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Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

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My high school was so small

We had sex education and drivers education in the same car.

What do you call Madagascar if it was only for cars?

MadaNascar.



I thought of this yesterday.

How did the fight start?

So I rear ended a car this morning. To my surprise the driver of the vehicle I hit was a dwarf. After the collision he gets out of his car, walks over to me and says, “I’m not happy!” To which I replied, “Then which one are you?”. That’s how the fight started.

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

Captain: Why did you call for backup?

Me: There was a fly in my car

SWAT team leader: What exactly do you think we do?

If Elon Musk was a country, what country would he be?

Mad at gas car.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

I got locked out of my car outside an abortion clinic.

It was VERY awkward to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC. She called her husband and said that she will return tomorrow to New York. Couple of days passed but the blonde didn't return. Worried, her husband started finding out what's the...

You expend a lot of energy running with cars

If you are in front of the car you are tired,if you are behind it you get exhausted

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

condolences to the family - Dad Joke

Friends daughter hit a deer she was shaken but not hurt car was pretty messed up

told him I give my condolences and that he should reach out to the deers family for help with the deductible.

He for good reason gives a look of bewilderment and asked why

with the best dad response...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?.............

Purple Gorilla

A guy is driving down the highway as he sees a sign pointing down the road advertising a purple gorilla. He thinks to himself that there's no way that's true so as he's going down the road, he sees a small building with a label to see this so called purple gorilla. Curious, he parks and walks up to ...

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

4 guys were in a car when it ran out of gas

The driver new a quick way to the nearest gas station by cutting throught the woods. About half way there they stop to take a break and one of them whips out bottles of water for everyone to drink. The second gives everyone a piece of his left over sandwich and the third guy says
"I brought the ...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

A Chinese man is buying a car

The salesman approaches him and starts asking questions about what they were looking for

After some questioning the car salesman says
"Cargo Space?"

The Chinese man replied "Car no go space! Car stay on ground"

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.

Finally the man asks: "What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"
...

A Cop is driving down the highway; all of a sudden, the car further ahead SWERVES wildy left.

He watches in awe as the car corrects its direction, then swerves right across every lane.

The officer immediately hits his lights, and approaches the vehicle closer. After several more wild moves, the car pulls into the ditch.

The Cop sprints to the car, banging on the window until ...

A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.

The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

What's the upside of running over a pizzaboy with your car?

At least you have something to nibble on while you wait for the cops.

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

I had a terrible dream last night that I was a car’s muffler.

I woke up exhausted

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, bud. You'll never hear the end of it."

3 drunk friends get into a taxi

The driver thinks that they're drunk af so they wouldn't know anything. So he just starts the engine, drives 100 meters and stops like, "here you go boys. We have reached."

The first guy says, "Wow. Time is fast jason. Isn't it?" And gets off the car

The second guy goes like, "Andrew ...

What do you call an economy car from the Stone age?

Priustoric

What’s Luke Skywalker’s favorite car brand ?

It’s ToYoda.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

Elon Musk was forced to resign and King Julien took over

They needed someone who was more passionate about electric cars and who could beat King Julien? I mean everyone knows King Julien was in the “Mad at Gas Cars” movies.

How do you call a Mexican that lost his car

Carlos

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.



Her: Do you win many races?



Me: No, the cars are much faster.

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

If you don't know the definition of abstruse, it's abstruse.

Bonus joke my Alexa told me once cus that's my one liner:

Why was the computer angry when it got out of the car?

Because it had a hard drive.

i'm tired of hearing how Swedish cars are made...

it's such a Saab story.

What do you call a tree that got hit by a cop car?

A porcupine

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

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Please let me win the lotto

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I...

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

I was in the dentist's chair.

He looked at my shoes and said, "Very nice loafers there, very nice."

"Thanks," I said.

Then he looked at my leather bag. "Love the bag, too. Very stylish, very nice."

"Thanks," I said.

He looked out the window while I rinsed my mouth out, and said, "That car is divine. I...

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times

..,so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and...

What car does a norwegian man drive?

a fjord focus

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

My favorite electric car is still

Lightning McQueen

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

If Dodge made an electric car...

It would be The Dodge Gas.

I saw this post on all with a different punchline. I felt like this was too good to leave as a comment!

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

What do cars get when they’re bad in school?

Suspension.

You know why Volkswagen cars are better?

They always come with one more light.

Prince Andrew

I'm so sad, I've just heard the news:
’Prince Andrew’s fatal car crash accident in Paris tunnel’...

Next month.

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Two Torontonians die in a car accident.

Two Torontonians die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.
The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his t...

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

Man gets pulled over

A cop pulls over a man for speeding and he came up to the car and he said you were speeding and did you know your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?

The man said oh thank God, I thought I'd gone deaf.

A blonde, brunette, and red head are running from the cops...

They jump into a train car and hide in 3 sacks.

The cops come up and hit the first sack.

“Woof woof”, goes the brunette. “Oh, it’s just a dog”, the cops say.

The cops then hit the second sack. “Meow”, goes the redhead. “A cat”, the cops agree.

The cops get to the thi...

Why did the masochist cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

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Anal is like getting your first car

You don't really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyway

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”.

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasolin...

A man had too much to drink...

He was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at two in the morning?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to ...

A man is sitting in a bar looking sad....

(friend of mine told me this forever ago. I'm sure its been posted here before)

The bartender asks, “Why you so down?”

Man replies, “Well, no girls will talk to me because I have this wooden eye and it freaks them out.”

Bartender thinks for a moment, “See that cute girl sitting ...

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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?

So, over th...

I stopped driving my car to work and all my friends congratulated me.

One week later I was fired for not coming to the office.

It’s funny how 100 years ago everybody had a horse and only the rich had a car, but now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

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(Brits only) What do you call a homosexual car?

A Bentley

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British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in p...

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I was sitting at the bar one night... (LONG)

I was seated at the bar and had just ordered another drink, when a woman sat down in the stool next to me. She ordered her drink, and then looked down and started checking her phone.

My drink came, and then hers. She put away her phone and took a long drink, and then turned to me and said "yo...

My first girlfriend was experienced

On our third date my girlfriend and I made our way to the back seat of my car. I explained I was new at this so needed instruction. She unbuckled her pants and told me to start rubbing her tummy and whisper in her ear. As I rubbed her tummy and whispered "I love you" in her ear she said "lower, lowe...

How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

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John Smith got a job at Ayr Seaport

Oh John's first day, he was told to, or rather wait for someone else to do so, transport a gorilla. He was told by his supervisor "Do anything, but don't touch it!" He went around, doing things until he thought "What happens if I do touch it?" So he leaned in the cage and lightly touched it, and it...

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My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car...

And she wants me to drive.

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A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her...

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A couple are on a roadtrip

The husband is driving, and accidentally hits a raccoon. They get out to check, and the poor thing is alive but feels very cold. The get it in the car to bring to an animal hospital.

The husband says "hold it between your legs to help warm it up"

She says "but its wet, and smells bad"...

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

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NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"

The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to...

I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

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I ran into the back of a car today.

A gorgeous leggy blond got out and said "Ram me up the arse, why don't you?"

And that, Your Honour, is where the confusion began....

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, passed away

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.



Standing bef...

Why did the Swiss man take his car to a mechanic?

It kept getting stuck in neutral.

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

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Nuns, Groceries, and Traffic Cops: (Religion) (NSFW)

There was once a young Nun in training. As she was new to her convent, her job was to do the grocery shopping every week.
One week, she asks to be excused from this duty, as she ends up being stopped by the police every time and it's getting on her nerves.
"Are you speeding? Staying in the rig...

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

A 1970s BMW e26 and a Fiat 500 are having a chat.

BMW: You newer cars have it so easy, back in my day you had to be a stylish sleek car to be iconic and respected.

Fiat 500: OK beamer.

Why did the bull crash his car?

He wasn't very good at steering, so then he had to hoof it.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

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A man is driving down the highway

When suddenly he sees a naked man with his hands tied to the side of the road.He stops and asks what's going on?The naked man answers:"You won't believe this it, i picked up a hitchhiker and the fucker stole my car, clothes and fucked me in the ass!"The guy in the car unzips his pants and says: "thi...

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers

My sister bet me $15 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

My dog used to chase people in cars.

It got so bad that we had to take his car away.

Last week I was cleaning my car with my friend...

Then he asked if I could use a sponge

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The horse and the chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

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