Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

I once had a wooden car,

It had a wooden engine,
Wooden wheels,
Wooden doors,
Wooden everything,
But the thing is,
It just wooden go anywhere.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

I’m thinking to buy a car for around $100k

can you tell me how do i get this much money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

On which the miner replies, "mine".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

Car check

Two blonde girls were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

She promptly sticks her head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

I tried to rev up my car today

but in the end it’s clearly exhausted.

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...

Three people are stranded in the desert. One has a canteen, another has a flare gun, and the last one has a car door.

They ask the first person, "Why did you bring a canteen?"

The first person responds, "So we can fill it up with water and use it to drink."

They ask the second person, "Why did you bring a flare gun?"

The second person responds, "So I can send a distress signal and someone can f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?

Just leave the scene of the accident

What do you call a Mexican without a car

Carlos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

If APPLE ever designed a car...

...would it have WINDOWS?

This is a son and a father in a car and the father says:

Father: Son, can you check if the car blinker is working

The son goes to the front of the car and starts looking at the car blinkers.

Father: Okey, is it working?

Son: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.

A guy asks his dad to buy him a new car

Guy: dad can you buy me a new car

Dad: sure, but first you have to do something for me...

Guy: what is it?

Dad: go to the backyard and write down the name of every tree we have and bring the list to me

The son goes to the backyard, and comes back an hour later with a list...

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

Jim wants to sell his car and consults his friend Tommy.

Jim’s car is getting old so he’s decided to put it up for sale but consults his friend Tommy before making the advert.

Tommy asks him, “How many miles are on your car Jim?”.

“132,000, she’s getting old” he says.

Tommy looked shocked as he wanted his friend to get some money bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

What do Tesla brand car airfresheners smell like?

Elon Musk

K. I'll show myself out.

Did to hear about the theif who was stealing the tires off of police cars?

They're working tirelessly the catch him!

A man parks his car in front of a Government building

The security guard says to him: “You can’t park here. Lots of important politicians work here and are always passing through”
“Thanks, but there’s no need for you to worry. I locked the doors”

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither, they are illegal aliens.

Guys it’s raining cars and dogs outside

I think I stepped in a poodle

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

What’s the best kind of car to use in a demolition derby?

Dodge

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

A kid goes to his father and says, “Dad, there’s water in the car’s carburetor”.

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car?

Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are killed in a car accident and find themselves outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them at the gates and informs them that as they have devoted their life to his service, they get an automatic pass into heaven.

He does require however, for them to confess if they have ever touched a man on the penis before they enter.

All of the nuns start giggling. God a...

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood

Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......

What kind of car does Master Yoda drive?

A Volkswagen Jedi.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

Hertz Rent-a-car has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The government later offered to upgrade them to chapter 12 for just five more bucks a day.

An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

My boss bought a new car yesterday

It was an incredibly expensive top of the range BMW and I said to him as I walked passed on my way into work; “Lovely car, Boss - things must be going well?”

He replied “Thanks and yes things are good, but you know, if you work hard and keep your head down, by this time next year, I could hav...

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

“Who was the first man?”

And the nun replies, “Adam”

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

“Who was the first woman?”

The second nun answers “Eve”

“Correct, in you go” replies the angel

Then turning to the...

Why did the blond take a car door down to the beach?

If it get too hot he could just roll the window down and let some cool air in

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident

It's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign fro...

Why can't women park cars?

Because they've been lied to about what 9 inches is their whole life.

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

What sound does a witches car make?

Broom broom

A stoned person was driving a car

Cop: are you high?
Man: hello, am i what?
Cop: high
Man: hello.

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

General secretary Gorbachev is going by car to a meeting.

Suddenly, his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car.
Gorbachev gives him 100 rubel and tells him, “Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who it’s owner was, apologize to him, and give him this money.”
Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbachev...

A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.

Worried, she calls her husband and says: ‘be careful on the road, there’s a car driving the wrong way where you are’

The husband replies, ‘I know...

But there’s not just one car, there’s hundreds of them!’


Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn’t find it from searching...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

Why should we have a DeLorean as a second car

We could drive it from time to time!

what is a mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?

a convertible

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

my car is innocent!

it wouldn’t Kia Soul

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

What do you call a car crash with a lumberjack

An *Axe*-ident

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is driving her car with her little daughter in the passenger's seat.

Suddenly, BAM!!!!, a huge dildo hits the windshield and bounces off of it.

\- Mommy, what was that?

Oh sweety, eeeh, *that* was just a bee.

\- Wow! Mom, it had a huge cock!!!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags.

I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God!

What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

I was having trouble driving when I found a video of guy with no arms who was drifting around in a car like it was nothing. It really moved me and I decided if he can do it, so can I.

And I did do it! But there's still a part of me that misses my arms though.

Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car?

Because you'll need a tee

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

I was in the car with my dad, when he ran over a cat!

I said, "Dad! You just hit a cat! Didn't you see it?"

And he says, "I hit it, didn't I?"

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I bought a car that grants wishes

It's a Lamborgenie

A lawyer is driving a car down the streer

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down.

A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign.

"It's the same thing," the lawyer stated, "I don't believe there is a differen...

Communist cars are unreliable.

They’re always Stalin.

What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?

Road krill!

What did the Indian woman say to her car when she locked it up for the night?

Tata

A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

If a car is going 30 km/h and makes a 35-degree turn, which of its wheels turns the slowest?

The spare tire...

I drove to the local garage to fill my car up...

I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there?!

I minded my own business filled my car up and went inside to pay.

As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Little Johnny - Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between electric cars and your penis?

Both of them are touch to start

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Just a question for people that put the face mask when they're alone in their car,

Do you put the condom when you're alone in bed?

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

A man drives his new car back to the dealership...

And he says "the car I bought last week doesn't work at night". So a mechanic tries starting the car with the lights already on. Then, he tried again but turning the lights on with the engine running. Nothing goes wrong, the mechanic explains that he can come back and get a different car if it has t...

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cars that had sex for over 30 hours?

She was exhausted, but he was also pretty tired.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel...

He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

A man is driving the car with his family in it

He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:

"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"

The man responds:

"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"

And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder...

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,

And he says "Audi!"

A friend told me "I can't wait to get out of Brooklyn, they took my rims, put the car on bricks"

I said "you moved to Brooklyn so you can get a brownstone, now you got 4"

I was so close to buying my dream car, I just had one final question for the salesman

“Cargo space?” I asked

After a second of confusion, he replies: “Car no do that. Car go road.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

If Jesus drove a car, what kind would it be?

A CHRYSLER! He also had a Honda, but never told anybody for he does not speak of his own Accord.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had a car that ran on Raccoon piss.

My stupid wife filled it up with Weasel.

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

[OG] [Based on a true story] My dad and I hopped into the car to go do the weekly shopping.

It was a chilly day from the breezy autumn months.

Leaves have been falling off the trees for two weeks.

The car was dusty and covered in dry leaves from the overhead trees.

Dad started the engine and I sat shotgun next to him.

There was a deep silence because we have bee...

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

Hertz car rentals announced a last minute marketing campaign today to avoid bankruptcy

They hired Michael Stipes from R.E.M. to remind people everybody Hertz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loraina Bobbet died recently in a horrible car Accident

Supposedly some dick cut her off

When does a car stop being a car?

When it turns into a corner.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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