A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

My sister bet me $15 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

If you run in front of a car

You will get tired.

And if you run behind a car,

you will get exhausted.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my ...

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My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car...

And she wants me to drive.

For Christmas, I'm gonna try something special. Because most of my friends are car enthusiasts, I'll serve them Eggs Benedict on hub caps.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

How do you call a Mexican who lost his car ?

Carlos

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a boner in my car

Made it a hard drive

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin t...

They said my car was unsafe and I should stop driving it immediately.

Then again, bad brakes have never stopped me before....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat ba...

Last week I was cleaning my car with my friend...

Then he asked if I could use a sponge

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

People in cars cause accidents.

Accidents in cars cause people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

Why did the Swiss man take his car to a mechanic?

It kept getting stuck in neutral.

Why do they call a window in the roof of a car a moon roof?

I find it easier to moon people through the side windows.

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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I ran into the back of a car today.

A gorgeous leggy blond got out and said "Ram me up the arse, why don't you?"

And that, Your Honour, is where the confusion began....

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thank you so much for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her...

Instead I just swam for the surface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

My dog used to chase people in cars.

It got so bad that we had to take his car away.

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

I always make jokes about 90s Mercedes race cars, but no one understands them.

I guess it just flies over there heads.

Cardi B has a sister that sells used cars

Her name is Cardi Lership

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers

I took my car in to get serviced today

And after looking it over, the mechanic told me, “It looks like you blew a tranny.” I wiped my mouth and said, “No, it’s just toothpaste.”

Why did the bull crash his car?

He wasn't very good at steering, so then he had to hoof it.

A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad

I put my car in reverse today

It took me back

There are 3 people in a car

The American one said turn right,

The Soviet commie one said turn left,

The Chinese one said to signal left but then turn right.

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

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The larger the car, the smaller the penis. The smaller the feet, the smaller the penis.

This is why people are terrified of clowns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

Why couldn’t the self-driving car start after its interface update?

It didn’t download the right drivers

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a big car means you have a little dick, and big shoes mean you have a big dick

What does that say about clowns?

A car get's pulled over by the police.

The officer steps up to the vehicle and asks “Do you have any idea why i pulled you over?“.
The driver has a clue and replies “I guess i was speeding a bit...“, to which the officer replies:“ No. I'm vegan. Please continue your travels.“

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

How do I rate my new car?

I accele-rate it

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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

Yoda must be the worst car guide ever.

Master Yoda, are we in the right direction?

Off course, we are.

À psychic gets run over by a car

Guess he didn't saw that one coming

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

What do you call Barry Allen driving a car?

A flashdrive

My friend got caught stealing a car. I told him he should change careers.

He didn’t know how to take it.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses favorite type of car?

A CONVERTable

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look! I'm about to change!

A magician is driving a car

Then he turns into a driveway

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday

He drove a KIIIIAAA.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

When I told my car the bad news,

it completely broke down

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

I just bought a 2 million dollar house and a 500,000 dollar sports car with my beautiful new wife and fantastic job.

Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

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Why did the guy who made Dragons Fucking Cars pick cars instead of castles?

They're impenetrable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

It's called "Elon's musk".

- Congrats on Q3 Elon, enjoy my repost everyone that missed it.

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

What is The Devil’s Car?

The Anti-Chrysler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

Had my first time with a weeb on the back of his car

Call that Initial D

Have you heard about the man who lost his left arm and foot in a car accident?

Reports are telling he's all right now

My wife opened my car door for me today.

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going down the freeway at 70mph.

Bought a air fresher for my car today.

Now I just need to buy a car.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An Uber.

Why did the CEO of Microsoft forget his car keys?

Because his head was in the Cloud.

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.

Did you hear about the VSCO girl who got run over by a car?

She got sksksksquished.

Why is a 17 year old like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

Porsche wanted to name their new car the Model E

But the name was already Taycan.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

How come crows never get hit by cars?

Their friends are all up on the power lines yelling "caw caw!"

A penguin took his car to the mechanic.

The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.

"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.

"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

How does a car feel when assaulted?

Alarmed

Why Germans are so good at car engine manufacturing?

Because they have a lot of experience on combustion chambers

Why is it dangerous to be in a car with a nun driving?

They’re not afraid to die and go to heaven

I tried to play Doom on my car, but it crashed.

I might need to update the driver.

TEENAGERS: Get a FREE car

By telling your parents that you want to buy a motorbike

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

A man keeps stealing police car tyres

The police are looking tyrelessly for him

Cardi B has a son and he’s a car salesman

His name was Cardi Laship

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