A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

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Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

My friend bet me $100 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

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Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

A policeman pulls over a car. As he goes up to the driver’s window, he realizes he pulled over two priests.

Embarrassed, he says “Oh excuse me, Fathers. We’re looking for a couple of child molesters.” The priests look at each other, then look at the cop and say “Alright, we’ll do it”

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company?

iKia

Did you hear about the car that drove through the party?

It was quite a Fiesta

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A girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of...

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...

instead, I swam to the surface.

If you run in front of a car.

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

A man is going 100 mph in his new car on the freeway

And a cop car starts to chase him with the sirens on
So the the man starts to go even faster until he realizes he should just stop.

When the cop comes up to his window he asks”Listen man it’s been a long day if you can give me a good excuse I’ll let you go”

So the man responds wit...

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

Why should someone bring a car door with them in the desert?

If it gets too hot, they can roll down the window.

Why didn't a motorbike go to a car show?

It was two tired.

I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars.

I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

What happened when the first car was invented?

It was rev-olutionary

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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Have you heard about the car made for Jews?

It’s really bad on gas

How can 71 people ride a car?

2 on the front and 69 on the back.

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

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Billy and his mom are in their car on a highway...

... when, suddenly, a big pink dildo hits the windshield:
“What was that?!” Asks little Billy
“That... hum... that... that was just an insect Billy!”
... 5 minutes pass...
“Well... it sure had a big dick, mom.”

Ever have a car that was 'possessed'?

Ever have a car that was 'possessed'?



No, but I had one that was repossessed!

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

How do you call a Mexican who lost his car.

Carloss.

When one door closes, another one opens.

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

Ok so i was sitting in the back of our car

And we drive up to this pizza and i see a sign that says "wood fired pizza"

And i say "wood fired pizza? Hows pizza supposed to get a job now!?"

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident...

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

What happened to the car dealership when they ran out of KIA's?

They sell Nokia's now.

What does Kevin Hart’s car have in common with Epstein’s prison sentence?

They were both stopped short


Ok that’s enough Hart jokes I’m sorry

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A rabbi and a priest are sitting in a car...

A young boy walks out in front of them. The priest says, "let's fuck em." The rabbi says, "outta what?"

What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

Why is putting your car in reverse so nostalgic?

Because it takes you back

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

Why do banks have drive thru windows?

So the cars can meet their real owners.

The Pope goes to a Car Showroom...

Agent: Sir, what type of car is your favorite?

The Pope: A convertible

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Poor Kevin Hart, he was in a car crash and now he's in trouble for smacking some guy's butt

I guess he's hit Rock Bottom

What do Soundcloud rappers fuel their cars with?

Gaso-lean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember guys; if you are getting a blowjob in the car

A true Gentleman turns on the Dome Light

I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.

She's all right now.

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

(Anti-Joke) What did the father say to his son before they got in the car?

“Get in the car”

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Why did the car repair shop called itself Acci?

They take the dents out of accidents.

So why do bananas make bad cars?

Because they constantly peel out.

Three years ago my entire left side was paralyzed in a car accident.

I’m alright now.

Have you ever seen a conga line of cars?

Neither had I, so I joined in to see where they were heading.

When we arrived at the graveyard I realized this may have been a cult gathering and decided to crash the party.

As the cult leader started his ritual prayer I unloaded my pistol into the air causing mass panic.

The cr...

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How do you know car mechanics are horny?

They're always jacking off!

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

What car develops over a long period of time?

A Volvo

"Hey Honey, I made some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today." "You did what?!"

"Brownies, you deaf idiot"

Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salespe...

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

Jokes for car guys

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACECAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Hey what happened to the side of your car?

Hey what happened to the side of your car?

Oh yeah, I met a friend on the road.

What happened?

I don't know. He wasn't talking.

What's the car's favourite meal?

Brake-fast

Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.

So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

Was playing air drums in my car to Metallica

when I dropped a stick so I had to switch to Def Leppard.

Why did Beethoven go to the car dealership?

Fur a lease

I’ve been looking for a car wash that does a thorough job cleaning wheels,

But whenever I google “Best Rimjob” I get sleepy and take a nap.

Three old men in a car

Three old men are in a car on their way to see a tennis match.

After a couple of hours of driving, the first man asks, "Is this Wembley?"

The second man says, "No, it's Thursday."

The third man says, "So am I, let's stop and get a drink!"

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

I got a car for my girlfriend

Best trade I've ever made.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive?

Convertibles

I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard Lorena Bobbitt was recently killed in a car crash

Apparently some dick cut her off

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Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,

stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thin...

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

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At age 70 I participated in my first demolition derby today and my tires flew off my car.

I guess it's time for me to retire.

Guy speeding in his car. Eventually a cop catches up with him:

Cop says, Sir why was you speeding? Guy replies, my wife disappeared 22 years ago, and every time I see a police car I panic:

I am dreading the day when they tell me they have found her, and they need me to take her back home:

Over 80% of German cars ever made are still on the road.

The rest made it home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car

Therapist: So what brought you two here?


Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally?


Therapist: What about you?


Husband: A car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the wooden car? It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, a wooden chassis and a wooden gearbox...

And the fuckin' thing wooden even go.

a car's weakest part

the nut holding the steering wheel

My car will be 16 years old this year.

I can’t wait for it to start driving itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

I was helping my friend modify his car.

It was really exhausting

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