The 111+ Best Seven Jokes

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

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My partner and I had sex for seven days and seven nights.

I was a little sore, but it made her whole week!

What's a seven-course meal in Alabama?

A possum and a six-pack.

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Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all fucking Grumpy.

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

Got my seven year old cousin to laugh at this one

What do you call a mailman who’s on fire?

Dead

Why do seven dwarves laugh as they run a race outside?

Because the grass tickles their balls

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Yesterday I slept for seven hours straight….

…..and for one hour gay.

Why can't the Seven Dwarfs get into a bar?

Because they don't serve miners.

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

Did you hear about the beakers that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean

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I took my Japanese girlfriend to meet my nana

My girlfriend excitedly greeted her by saying, "It is so nice to finally meet you seven!"

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

What do the seven dwarfs say when they go to the club?

Hi hoe!!!!

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

How tall are you cowboy? I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

How many hereditary peers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? How dare you, sir! That lightbulb has been in my family for seven generations!

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"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

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So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope thinks for a second, "No, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Europe." And the other dw...

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

The Seven Miracles of the Soviet Union

Miracle 1: Everyone had a job.
Miracle 2: Even though everyone had a job, no one worked.
Miracle 3: Even though no one worked, the project was always completed beyond expectations.
Miracle 4: Even though the project was always completed beyond expectation, there was never anything to buy....

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

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I asked this nice girl a question the other day.

She was pretty, young, blond, had big tits and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really".

So I ordered the seven inch pizza instead.

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

NSFW How do you put seven holes in a hole?

You insert a flute in your ass

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we had a change ...

We let her in.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven smeared shit on six’s bed, severed six’s finger with a glass bottle, and is now in court pretending to be the victim after six’s reputation got ruined.

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died.

However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God for this woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go...

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.

Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776

\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

Two prisoners are breaking out.

To make it to freedom, they have to climb over seven high walls. The first two are no problem, but they are starting to get tired after wall three. Wall four is quite challenging for them, but they make it with little issue. After wall five, they are exhausted, but they keep going. Smelling freedom,...

What did the doctor say to the woman with seven tumors?

Tumor would benign

What has seven arms, eight legs, and sucks?

Def Leppard.

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five, six, seven, eight?

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Johnny

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor ...

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

Every evening, after they were finished with their work at the diamond mines, on their way home to their cottage, the seven dwarves would stop at a bar.

The bartender knew that the dwarves all liked hazelnut daiquiris, so every time the dwarves arrived at the bar, he would make sure that they all had hazelnut daiquiris.

One afternoon, when the bartender was making the daiquiris, he realized that he only had enough hazelnut extract to make six...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican NSFW

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf ...

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight?

Hey, nice belt!

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There are seven planets now...

Pluto got demoted and I destroyed ur-anus last night.

I'm doing a crossword, and I'm stuck on seven down. It's seven letters long and the clue is “Lemonade drink, not Sprite”.

Oh no wait sorry that's not seven down, that's Seven Up.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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A guy walks into a bar in orders seven Jagermeisters

The bartender says, wow, why would someone want to drink seven Jagers?

The guy says, well, I just had my first blow job.

The bartender says, Congratulations! Let me give you an eighth one on the house!

The guy says, thanks but no thanks.

Why not?

I figure if seven...

Gulaf meets Santa

It’s Christmas eve and little Gulaf Bistrolovich of a mere seven years old is too excited to sleep. He cannot wait for Christmas morning to come. Just when he’s finally about to sleep he hears a clatter on the roof. He bolts out of bed and runs to the living room.

“Santa! You’re here!”
...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

Happy Anniversary

A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question.

"Honey, I was just wondering something," he said.

"What's that, dear?" the wife wondered.

"Well... we've been...

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differentl...

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

Why are teenage girls always in groups of three, five, seven or nine?

Because they can't even.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?”

His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Why is Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven is emotionally distant and always chases after numbers like Eight and Nine instead of looking back and seeing that the perfect number was behind the whole entire time... Six

A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila

The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.

The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"

The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"

The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"

The guy says "fifty c...

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

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Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Why does the Earth need a tutor?

Because it has seven “C”s.

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

My seven year old figured out Easter this year

He said “The Easter Bunny isn’t real dad. It’s really a man dressed as a bunny that hides eggs in your house”

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister a...

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

Due to Covid, the seven dwarves have been told that they can only meet in groups of 6.

One of them isn't happy.

My wifi password is 2444666668888888

Just to clarify, it’s: one two three four five six seven eight

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

Why were the seven dwarves always sober?

Because no one would serve alcohol to miners...

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

Seven construction men are all workings at the roadside...

That's the joke...

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

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Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name," asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.” Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad," his mother asked? "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mi...

The new doctor

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told he...

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money is on Jimmy.

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

After seven years and half a million karma I will share the 5 unwritten rules of posting on this site:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

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