An ant couple and their eight ant children

moved into an apartment together. They were tenants.

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on the office’s annual ‘Take your kid to work day’.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong?

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

If eight Germans leave my party, and nine French people leave my party, have I got any idea how many Spaniards leave my party?

Tengo.

I needed a password has to be eight characters long.

That's easy - I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

What did zero say to eight?

“Nice belt”

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?

Ten

"Daddy... what's an alcoholic???"... "Well, son... see those four trees? An alcoholic sees eight..."

"But daddy, there are only two trees!?"

What cat has eight legs?

An octopus.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Do you know why seven eight nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings

But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with eight dicks?

A cocktopus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

What do you call eight bull dozers working together?

*in Sean Connery voice*

Octopushy

Five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand, and eight.

Put in in a calculator and flip it upside-down.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fasc...

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

Infinite Mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?"

The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer." The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer." The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer." The fourth ...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

I asked my wife if I was the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the other men were sevens or eights.

Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

What's the worst thing about twenty eight year olds?

They all have to share a room at Jeffrey Epstein's apartment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemie...

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

A Chicken Walks Into a Library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk.
"Buk", says the chicken. So the librarian gives him a book. The chicken leaves with the book and returns five minutes later. "Buk," he says. So the librarian gives him another book. This goes on about eight more times, until finally the libr...

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours

the seven statues.

a wife was cheating on her husband. one day he says he was going out to a business trip. she invites her secret boyfriend. the boyfriend goes in and the sit there with the wife for a while and unexpectedly the husband came back because he forgot his passport. she said "QUICK, stand next to the seven...

What’s a pirate’s favourite food?

Pizza, it always comes in pieces o’ eight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You've never heard of the 10th Reindeer?

The first eight are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

The 9th is Rudolth the red nosed reindeer, and the 10th is the jerk called Olive.

Why do i call him a jerk? You know... Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking eight oysters up your Grandma's vagina, and sucking nine out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Husband & Inspector

\- Husband : I lost my wife , she went shopping and hasn't come back yet .

\- Inspector : What is her height ?

\- Husband : I never checked .

\- Inspector : Slim or healthy ?

\- Husband : Not slim , can be healthy .

\- Inspector : Color of eyes ?

\- Husband ...

There's eight of us here

We'll need ten to start the cancer experimental treatment. Let's get tumor people.

After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion

Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

Remember, it's always I before E

Except when your foreign neighbour Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from fiesty caffeineated weightlifters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting in my office...

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.

Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.

The phone rang and I knew something was w...

What are friends for?

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Then one day, the man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a frie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

24 Hours to Live

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, ...

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a ninety eight year old cock taste like?

... depends

Why was eight afraid of seven

Because seven was a registered six offender

Do you recall the name of the other, 10th reindeer?

You have the original eight reindeer: Dasher, Prancer, etc. And of course, there is Rudoloph which makes nine.

The 10th reindeer is Olive. It says so right in the song:

"Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"!

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

A two-dollar ...

Back in the old days, a traveling salesman got married and had leave on a sales trip the next day. After he got back, his friends noticed he was looking very worried and asked him what was the matter. He said that he and his wife had a good time just after he returned, but, without thinking and ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the definition of a virgin in Alabama.

An eight year old that can run faster than her brother.

How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.

When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!"

Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep."

The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!"

 
^(courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas)

My eight year old sister asked me what my unlucky number was

"2009"

Sometimes in life you just gotta enjoy the little things.

My friend dave: **looks down beside me at my girlfriend and says**

But dude! She's just eight!

What do you call an eight-thousand pound gorilla?

Sir

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I only had a week to live, I'd spend every day of it at work.

There, even just eight hours last fucking forever.

What do you call an 8th grader who no longer believes in God?

An eight-eist

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

A guy was admitted into a hospital where they found eight plastic horses in his stomach...

He is in stable condition now.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A subordinate entered Hitler's chamber.

Hilter was sitting with a gun in hand, and eight dead bodies.

Subordinate : "Did you just kill 8 more troops ???"

"NEIN !", Hitler shouted, and shot the subordinate.

I've heard like eight cancer jokes today...

If I hear another one it's gonna benign

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah”, reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

I have eight hands and four heads what am I?

A serial killer

Sometimes she just knows

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub t...

If I put eight cats in a row...

Do I have an octo-puss?

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're ninety-six," the undertaker said.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Escalade with four Nazis crashed off a cliff. The news is calling it a tragedy.

Because a Escalade holds eight.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

I once knew a guy whose parents were from Chernobyl

On the one hand, he was friendly but on the other hand, he was quite clingy. But on the third hand, he had eight fingers.

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

A clean dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” ...

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of watching his eight electrons?

Sir Valence!

What do you call a terrorist with eight legs?

An Iraqnid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"in order to save the world from the giant eight-arsed monster, we have to send a big robot to lick one of its bum holes - in particular, the third one in from the left calf" "that's quite a...

...Specific Rim"

A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide

Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.