Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

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What do you call a guy with eight dicks?

A cocktopus.

I needed a password eight characters long

So i picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

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The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings

But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

An eight year old girl went with her father to the office on take your daughter to work day..

As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.

Her father asked, ''what's wrong sweetie?''

As his colleagues gathered around, she sobbed loudly: ''Daddy, where are all the clowns you sad you worked with?''

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

What did theta say to eight?

Your belt is way too tight.

What's the worst thing about twenty eight year olds?

They all have to share a room at Jeffrey Epstein's apartment

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub.

Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.

What do you call eight rabbits walking backwards together?

A receding hare-line.

There's eight of us here

We'll need ten to start the cancer experimental treatment. Let's get tumor people.

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An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

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A fly is flying across a river back and forth...

Every time it reaches one of the river banks it drops eight inches. A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, "when that fly gets low enough I'm going to jump up and get that fly". A bear sees the fish and thinks to himself, "when that fish jumps up to catch that fly, I'm going to go c...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

So, a female friend asked me for my honest, unbiased opinion of her...

...on a scale from 1 to 10. I looked her up and down and said, quickly, "You're an eight." I think she peed a little.

How many are eight Wizards of Oz?

One Wizard of Cups

Why was eight afraid of seven

Because seven was a registered six offender

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

What do you call an eight-thousand pound gorilla?

Sir

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What does a ninety eight year old cock taste like?

... depends

In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

A guy was admitted into a hospital where they found eight plastic horses in his stomach...

He is in stable condition now.

My eight year old sister asked me what my unlucky number was

"2009"

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

I have eight hands and four heads what am I?

A serial killer

If I put eight cats in a row...

Do I have an octo-puss?

Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah”, reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

I've heard like eight cancer jokes today...

If I hear another one it's gonna benign

Eskimos have seventy-eight words for different kinds of

anthropologists.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of watching his eight electrons?

Sir Valence!

My friend said that if you drink the fluid from a magic eight ball you could tell the future.....

He said that he was going to die, he died

I've been married for eight years and I still get head weekly.

My wife would kill me though if she knew how much I was paying for it.

What do you call a terrorist with eight legs?

An Iraqnid.

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What's the best part of having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

There are 20 of them.

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide

Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?

I've been playing video games since I was eight years old.

I should probably go and have a shower.

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Two young brothers, eight and seven years old, are playing video games.

The older boy says: At breakfast tomorrow, we should say a cuss word!

The younger brother agrees and they go to bed that night giggling with excitement.

The next morning, their mom says to the older brother: What do you want for breakfast?

The boy replies: Aw, hell, gimme some C...

Q) I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I?

A) A liar.

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby

A black guy was holding his eight-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured, "mother."
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't?

Ten of them.

I can't stand those eight-legged freaks.

Or as they're more commonly known, "quadruplets".

A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found.

Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Eight-Ball

I was playing eight-ball in the pub last night....

I was about to take a shot when my mate said, “Watch the black.”

I replied, “Why, is he near my jacket again?”

How can a man go eight days without sleep?

No problem , He sleeps at night.

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Eight dwarves are in a tub, feeling happy

Happy got out now they're all fucking grumpy

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What do you call a group of eight cowards?

Octopussies.

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's ...

My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny!

An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey,

"Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?"

*"I'm gonna eat bananas now."*

"Stupid monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!"

*"Stupid elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*

Deadly eight iron.

Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the l...

What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus

Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

I’d like to be eight again.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early,...

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

What do you call an eight-legged insect holding a magnifying glass?

A spy, duh.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent...

The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, i...

Ninety-eight percent of lawyers...

give the other two percent a really bad name.

I went to the shops to get eight cans of sprite.

But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up

A zero and an eight are walking in a desert...

and the zero asks the eight "aren't you too hot with that belt on?"

Learned this when I was eight, still one of my favorites.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are walking along a fence on a beautiful sunny day. They are walking through some tall grass when the redhead finds a baseball sized rock.

"what should I do with this rock?" the redhead asks the other two.

"Throw it over the fence" they both reply. <...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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