UPJOKE
yearxvicardinal18junesixteeneightsix141317fivenine1219

16 Jokes

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...

Followed by Batman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answ...

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

My psychic told me that I was going to experience heartbreak in 16-18 years.

So to cheer myself up, I got myself a puppy!

15+15 is thirty, but 16+16 is...

thirty too!

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

AskReddit is 16 years old next month ...

Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.

A 16 year old boy arrives home...

A 16 year old boy arrives home with his new driving license, and says to his father:

\- Dad, I bought a brand new Bentley.

\-What? Those cars are worth >$200.000 and you don't have a buck.

\- Yes, look at it parked there: it cost me $50.

The father looks out of the win...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of the city street yelling "16!"

Most people are just walking right past the kid, but an old man stops and says to him "boy, what are you doing?"

The boy says to him "you gotta try this! It's so much fun!"

The old man says "that doesn't look like fun"

The boy says "trust me, it is, c'mon just try real quick"...

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16?

Apparently, the only difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

what did 16 say to 4 when

2 was not invited to 4's party?

Never forget your roots.

There was once a cat with 16 lives.

A 4x4 passed by and killed it.

A 15 year old boy with long hair wants a car when he turns 16

His grandmother is very rich, and tells him she will buy him a car on one condition: he cuts his hair. The boy is upset, as he loves having a full head of long hair.

He thinks of a loophole for days, and finally comes up with one. His grandmother is a deeply religious woman.

He comes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

What has 800 legs and only 16 teeth?

The queue at Primark on Monday.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Why is 16 always full?

Because it 8 and 8.

When I turned 16 my parents tried to surprise me with a car...

They missed.

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...

She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."

A cop pulls over a man with 16 penguins in his car.

The cop says, "what the hell are you doing!? Are these your penguins?"

The man nods and the cop says, "Well take them to the zoo right this instant!" And the man drives off.

The next day the same cop sees the same man driving the same car with the same 16 penguins and again the cop pul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

What do you call a 16 year old who smokes weed?

High School Kid

Guys be 25 on FaceTime with a 16 year old..

Yeah, their gonna face time alright.

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

Today's date: 4/9/16

2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16

My wife has the body of a 16 year old schoolgirl...

She keeps it in the fridge.

Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of water?

2 gals 1 cup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison

He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

What happens to Minecraft characters when they turn 16?

They grow cubic hair!

From the time I was 5 until I turned 16, my Dad would beat me every night...

but if he'd have let me win, I wouldn't be the checkers player I am today!

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

On June 16, 1963 Russia sent the 1st woman to space

Only 3.5 billion more to go

Fifty Shades of Grey

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c...

Met a 16 year old Asian girl last night.

Her name was Tu Yung

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad walked into the room one day when I was 16 and said hey son I'm gonna teach you how to pull out

He meant out of the driveway

Last night I made it to base 16

Had a lot of hex

I had an after-hours video conference with 16 colleagues last week.

Everyone was drinking and having a good time sharing stories and unwinding. We played never have I ever. One of my female coworkers asked if people had ever gone out without a bra on. As a man, I thought for a moment and raised my glass with the rest of my female colleagues.

They laughed.
...

An older man and a 16-year-old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's going to be really mad when she finds out.


EDIT: Will people stop asking me to post the source or a picture, this is a joke that it is why it is here instead of in mildlyinterestng.
The truth is my girlfriend tried to be a porn star but the producer said to her "come back in 5 ...

My friend froze himself to -273.16° C

I thought he was gonna die

But he was 0K.

What does 36+16 equal to?

A prison sentence.

My car will be 16 years old this year.

I can’t wait for it to start driving itself.

Today I saw a frequency of 16.667 mHz...

Took me a minute.

The first time I drank vodka I was 16...

...months; said the Russian.

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Told a woman I had a 16 inch penis, she asked if was joking.

Told her it's a real knee slapper.

Did you guys know that Steve from Minecraft has a 16 skin?

That's because his foreskin is squared.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

A 16 y/o boy asks his mom if he can go bungee jumping

His mom's answer: "No, you were born of broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?

You run it over with a 4x4.

Bonus joke.

How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?

You hit it with a 2x4

What time is it when you see 16 dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

As I sat in my airplane seat for the 16 hour flight, I tried to get comfortable.

Then I remembered that I was in economy.

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..

.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johny, a horny 16 year old is doting on his teacher, and he decides to ask her out.

"Excuse me, Mrs Elizabeth, I think I'm in love with you".

"Sorry Johny, but I'm too old for children", says Mrs. Elizabeth.

Johny- "Of course, that's why we'll use protection."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.