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Nine Jokes

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

My nine year old's yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Why did the house owner not allow the nine ants to enter?

Because they were not ten ants

How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make i...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

Nine One One!

Guy outside "911! 911!"

Guy inside "What's going on out there, why are you yelling 911?"

Guy outside: "emerge and see!"

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

I wrote a nine-paragraph joke...

I thought it might be long here.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Nine months before I was born...

... I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

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Me and my wife are very compatible, I have a nine inch penis and

She doesn't know how to hold a ruler correctly...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

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Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into ...

Nine out of ten doctors signed up for a conference

The Tenth Doctor didn't want to go

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

What's sixty-nine times two?

Dinner for four.

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

A court joke from a joke book published in 1904:

Judge—' 'What's the charge agin' this man?"
Officer— "Stealing nine bottles of beer, your honor."
Judge—' 'Discharged. I can't make a case out of nine bottles."

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

Why do cats have nine lives?

Because God knew that one lifetime was not enough time to produce enough cute cat pics.

Why are teenage girls always in groups of three, five, seven or nine?

Because they can't even.

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

A man goes to see the doctor about a serious cough…

The doctor examines him, runs some tests, and leaves the room. A few minutes later, the doctor returns.

“I’ve got some bad news for you,” the doctor says. “You don’t have much longer to live.”

“Oh my god,” the man replies. “How much time do I have?”

The doctor says, “Ten.”
...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "...

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Possessio is nine tenths

of the word

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

I have two kids and a dog. My dog is nine, my daughter is five, and my son is two.

I have no idea how old they are, that’s just how I rank them.

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

Where do cats go when all nine lives are up?

Purrgatory!


Ps: this joke works in French, Spanish, and Italian, as far as I’m aware.

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

*Knock-Knock* "Who's there?" "Nine-Eleven,"

"Nine-Eleven who?"

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!"

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

If you have nine ants in your apartment, that’s a problem.

But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.

Your mom is so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

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Nine out of ten men prefer big boobs.

The tenth guy prefers the nine men.

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

Nine out of ten people...

...at least according to the University of Incomplete Researches.

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I know a guy with nine kids.

This guy couldn't pull out of his own driveway.

A joke for all the old geezers.....

A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men.
Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and si...

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Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that sh...

Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?

because tennis too many.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and picked up a menu that said “10% off.”

So I picked up nine more menus and got myself a free meal.

Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer...

...that makes you look ten years younger...

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

The remaining tenth is exorcism.

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

What is Six Point Nine?

A good time ruined by a period.

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Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. ...

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.

They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."

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Number Sixty Nine

Hong and Lin were Chinese immigrants. They had been married for 20 years and operated a successful Chinese takeout restaurant.

One night they are sleeping when Hong wakes up suddenly and immediately rouses his wife. "Honey, I have a hankering for some number sixty nine!"

"Go back to sl...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

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