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Whenever I have sex with my German girlfriend she always rates me on a scale of 1-10.

Last night she kept saying “Nine, nine.” That’s the best I’ve ever gotten!

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

What's the hardest answer to get correct in hangman? asked my nine year old...

I knew it would be JAZZ, but I wanted to play along, so I had a made a few guesses before starting in on what I thought would be the correct letters. "Wrong" he said again and again until he drew the lifeless body. "Well, what is the answer?" I asked.

XYAK he wrote down. "That's not a word," ...

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis....

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley!!

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

Moses and Jesus were golfing and Jesus says "Hand me a nine iron,"

Moses replies, "You can't use a nine iron for that shot!". Jesus say "Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm going to use one,"
The next hole Jesus says "Moses give me the nine iron," Moses replies again "You can't use a nine iron for this shot,"
Jesus says,"Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm goin...

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

What goes click ninety-nine times and clack once?

A centipede with a clubfoot.

Possessio is nine tenths

of the word

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

A Chinese couple are in bed fooling around. The husband says " I wanna sixty-nine!"

The wife says "You want Beef and Broccoli now?"

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?

because tennis too many.

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next?

Bush did 9:11.

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Ya know my favorite thing about twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Yo /r/Jokes I heard you like married golfer jokes

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant but said she could ...

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer...

...that makes you look ten years younger...

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused....

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.



She replied, "...

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?

Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

My nine year old's yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

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I can only say nine English words.

Well, shit.

I know a guy with nine kids.

This guy couldn't pull out of his own driveway.

*Knock-Knock* "Who's there?" "Nine-Eleven,"

"Nine-Eleven who?"

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!"

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

The remaining tenth is exorcism.

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

Nine out of ten people...

...at least according to the University of Incomplete Researches.

I was pulled over by the police today, so I whipped out my nine millimetre...

After they stopped laughing, they arrested me for indecent exposure.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

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What does an asshole and a nine volt battery have in common

You know it's a bad idea but your tongue is going to touch it

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of whiskey.

'Something to celebrate?' The bartender asks. 'Well,' the man answers, 'I just had my first blowjob today.' 'Congratulations! Here, the tenth shot is on me.' 'No that's okay. If nine won't get that fucking taste out of my mouth I don't know what will.'

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After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee.

And begged her to take it up the arse.

A woman walks into the clubhouse after nine holes...

"Whats the problem ma'am?"

"I got stung by a bee"

"Where at?"

"Between the first and second hole"

"Well I'd say your stance is too wide"

When the coroner's report came back, it stated my nine month old son had died due to neglect…

Nothing to do with me though, I was at the bar at the time…

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Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into ...

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A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them.

He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.

There were nine INTERPOL agents in a briefing.

They were named INTERPOL 1, INTERPOL 2, and so on. Their names were read out one by one in attendance. As the speaker reached the end, he said "INTERPOL 6, INTERPOL 7, INTERPOL 9." The missing agent stood up and asked why her name wasn't called. The speaker said, "You can figure it out."

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Three men in a jungle

An indian tribe captures three men. They tell the men to go off into the forest and collect ten of the same fruit, or else they would be killed. The men go off and after a while the first man comes back with apples. The tribe tells the man to shove all ten apples up his ass without making a sound or...

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Two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be ...

What do you call a nine-sided polygon that wishes to remain anonymous?

anonagon.

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Nine guys out of ten like women with big tits...

The tenth guy likes the other nine.

[NO CRIME WITHOUT A MOTIVE] But what made seven eat nine?

Seven knew that nine would carry the next one to a new level.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job...

I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work.

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!

Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!

Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)

Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
B...

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