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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

Nine months before I was born...

... I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

If eight Germans leave my party, and nine French people leave my party, have I got any idea how many Spaniards leave my party?

Tengo.

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Do you know why seven eight nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

If you have nine ants in your apartment, that’s a problem.

But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

After years in jail, I finally managed to escape from it, and when I got home my wife said, "They announce your escape on TV nine hours ago. Where have you been and with who?"

I called the police and turned myself in.

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to change the light bulb?

Nine. But number six will shock you.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Wife: Honey, I'm going on a business trip to London.

....What gift do you want?


.

.

.

.

.

.

Husband: A British girl would be nice.

Wife: Okay.

*Wife completes her trip and returns home.*

Husband: So did you bring me a British girl?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: Where is she...

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

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Nine out of ten men prefer big boobs.

The tenth guy prefers the nine men.

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

What's the hardest answer to get correct in hangman? asked my nine year old...

I knew it would be JAZZ, but I wanted to play along, so I had a made a few guesses before starting in on what I thought would be the correct letters. "Wrong" he said again and again until he drew the lifeless body. "Well, what is the answer?" I asked.

XYAK he wrote down. "That's not a word," ...

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine...

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Moses and Jesus were golfing and Jesus says "Hand me a nine iron,"

Moses replies, "You can't use a nine iron for that shot!". Jesus say "Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm going to use one,"
The next hole Jesus says "Moses give me the nine iron," Moses replies again "You can't use a nine iron for this shot,"
Jesus says,"Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm goin...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

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A couple's children get together to ask their him about the origin of their names.

"I suppose you're all old enough that we can tell you the real story. Each of you were named according to the circumstances surrounding your conception," the father said.

"What about me?" asked his first child.

"Well, Breckenridge, your father and I took our honeymoon to go skiing and ...

A math equation

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divide that by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and nothing else more.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Possessio is nine tenths

of the word

George and Ted were driving through the countryside when there car broke down.

They went to a nearby farmhouse to call a tow truck. When they knocked on the door, a gorgeous woman answered.

"Can we use your phone?" they asked.

"Yes," said the woman. So George and Ted used the woman's phone to call a tow truck.

The tow truck company told them that it woul...

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking eight oysters up your Grandma's vagina, and sucking nine out.

What goes click ninety-nine times and clack once?

A centipede with a clubfoot.

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

A Chinese couple are in bed fooling around. The husband says " I wanna sixty-nine!"

The wife says "You want Beef and Broccoli now?"

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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"Daddy, how was I born?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a seclu...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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How loang does it take an english wifey tae dae a shite

Aboot nine months.

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion

Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer...

...that makes you look ten years younger...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?

because tennis too many.

Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next?

Bush did 9:11.

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Virgin joke

"Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
"Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
"As if."
"Yeah, just ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister."
"You will in about nine months."

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

Do you recall the name of the other, 10th reindeer?

You have the original eight reindeer: Dasher, Prancer, etc. And of course, there is Rudoloph which makes nine.

The 10th reindeer is Olive. It says so right in the song:

"Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"!

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A man was walking home from a night out early in the morning when

he spots a teenage girl crying on the top of a building, so he rushes up to her.
man: "Don't jump!"
girl: "But i have nothing to live for! I've never even been kissed before!"
Despite having a wife, he kisses her, which calms her down. She sighs and starts to walk towards the staircase, and...

I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

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Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.
The doctor said “Look out the window and tell me what you see”.
“Nointy noin” Paddy announces, clearly proud of his achievement.
“Ninety nine?” asked the doctor. “But all that’s out there ar...

A melancholy-looking man walked into a bar wearing a backpack...

He sat down at the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Meanwhile, he took a tiny man and a tiny grand piano out of his backpack. He set the man and the piano on the bar top, and the tiny man began to play.

“That’s incredible!” The bartender said, holding the man’s drink. “Where did you g...

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili?

Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

Sorry, I've got some bad news!

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

A doctor is delivering bad news to a patient.

“Ma’am, your test results are back. Unfortunately, this type of disease is fatal.”

“Oh my god! How much time do I have left to live?”

“Ten”

“Ten months?”

“Nine”

Why did Olaf lose the schnitzel-eating contest?

Because Olaf ate six, Sven ate nine.

A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine mont...

Ya know my favorite thing about twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants.

(Credit to my nine year old son)

Ten bad Reddit jokes are on a bus...

The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom. When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes. Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."<...

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

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Whenever I have sex with my German girlfriend she always rates me on a scale of 1-10.

Last night she kept saying “Nine, nine.” That’s the best I’ve ever gotten!

I asked my husband if I was the only one he has been with.

He said yes. The others were like nine and ten.

Please send bail money.

What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.



Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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Orgy at the Zoo

(row row row your boat tune)
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Sixty nine a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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I was having sex with a girl I met at a bar...

The girl said "fuck me with all nine inches and make it hurt!"

So I fucked her three times and hit her with a hammer.

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

My nine year old's yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

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I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probabl...

Trent Reznor is going to have a hard time getting into heaven...

....because Jesus hates nine inch nails.

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

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A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

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I can only say nine English words.

Well, shit.

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb

Must be more than nine because my basement is still dark

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

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