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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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Me and my wife are very compatible, I have a nine inch penis and

She doesn't know how to hold a ruler correctly...

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Hey, I bet you're still a virgin.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with. She said yes

All the others were nines and tens.

What's sixty-nine times two?

Dinner for four.

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

Nine out of ten doctors signed up for a conference

The Tenth Doctor didn't want to go

What’s the difference between my Wife and my Reddit account?

After nine years…..

Reddit still sucks…

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

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John is in prison doing a life sentence. Jim arrives ten years in.

After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, John tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see," John says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its component...

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

So everyone know that Seven ate Nine, but why did Seven eat Nine?

Seven wanted to eat three square meals a day.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
...

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

A man goes to the doctor.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it t...

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Why are teenage girls always in groups of three, five, seven or nine?

Because they can't even.

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S

A pet store owner walks into a brothel

The head mistress greets the new guest: "And how can we help you today?"


The pet store owner asks "Do you have a parrot I could buy?"


The confused head mistress responds "Don't you own a pet store? And don't you already have some nice parrots, why do you need ours?"
...

Why do cats have nine lives?

Because God knew that one lifetime was not enough time to produce enough cute cat pics.

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?

"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.

"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"

"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

"Yo momma so slow"

It took her nine months to come up with a joke.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."



[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

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Susie and Johnny work the typical nine to five, one day Susie turns to johnny and says, "you know what its a nice day I bet you I can get the boss to give me the day off....

To johnnies surprise he asks her how shes going to do that, she says watch me. So the boss walks in for his usual team check up and Susie is hanging upside down from the rafters. Furios but concerned the boss asks her what shes doing, to which Susie replies, Im a light bulb look at me, so the boss s...

Nine months before I was born...

... I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

Woof

A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that woul...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

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My girlfriend & I are a perfect match,

I've got a nine inch dick, & she dosen't know which end of the ruler to measure from.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

10

One to change the bulb and nine to make t shirts for the event.

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

Where do cats go when all nine lives are up?

Purrgatory!


Ps: this joke works in French, Spanish, and Italian, as far as I’m aware.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the funeral director.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Nine months from now, what will the name of the next generation of baby boomers?

The coronials.
#
^(You heard it here first.)

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

World renowned singer-songwriter Billy Joel questioned about Fox News tree blaze

Authorities in New York City say that they briefly questioned award-winning musical superstar William Martin Joel about his potential involvement in a Wednesday morning blaze of the Christmas tree in front of Fox NewsCorp's headquarters in Midtown Manhattan.

Police say they questioned the 72 ...

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

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How many people does it take to switch a lightbulb?

More than nine, my basement is still dark.

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

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(NSFW) A Chinese couple are having sex...

when the woman says to the man, "I wanna sixty nine!"

The man says, "why you want beef and broccoli now?

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

If you have nine ants in your apartment, that’s a problem.

But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.

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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says, "hey, make it an even ten. On the house."

...

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

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There was an earthquake, and the Christian Brothers Monastery was levelled.

All fifty brothers were transported to Heaven at the one time.

at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said "Let's go through the entry test as a group. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands shot up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go to Pur...

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Two Redneck men, Joe and Dave, are sitting on the porch of their house one day, when a car breaks down in front of them.

An attractive woman gets out; she obviously looks really wealthy too with her fancy clothes and pretty car. She goes up to them and asks them for help.

The rednecks are nice and let her use their phone to call the mechanic; however, the rednecks are also really horny and want to get to "know ...

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..

..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.

The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about...

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

If eight Germans leave my party, and nine French people leave my party, have I got any idea how many Spaniards leave my party?

Tengo.

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

Possessio is nine tenths

of the word

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

My nine year old's yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

After years in jail, I finally managed to escape from it, and when I got home my wife said, "They announce your escape on TV nine hours ago. Where have you been and with who?"

I called the police and turned myself in.

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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Nine out of ten men prefer big boobs.

The tenth guy prefers the nine men.

What's the hardest answer to get correct in hangman? asked my nine year old...

I knew it would be JAZZ, but I wanted to play along, so I had a made a few guesses before starting in on what I thought would be the correct letters. "Wrong" he said again and again until he drew the lifeless body. "Well, what is the answer?" I asked.

XYAK he wrote down. "That's not a word," ...

What's got nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next?

Bush did 9:11.

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer...

...that makes you look ten years younger...

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

*Knock-Knock* "Who's there?" "Nine-Eleven,"

"Nine-Eleven who?"

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!"

Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?

because tennis too many.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a dryer?

A dryer doesn't follow your around for nine months trying to get spun after you put a load in it.

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

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