12 Jokes - 99 Hilarious 12 Jokes

12 Panties

A husband buys his wife 12 panties, all the same color. The wife asks "Why the same color? People will think I don't change my panties"

Husband: Which people???

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?

A: Because deep down they’re really good people.

12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.

Followed by Batman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

My 12-year-old son asked his grandfather what the worst thing about old age was...

Grandpa answered:

"It's erectile dysfunction."

My son asked:

"But is it really that bad?"

Grandpa replied:

"Imagine someone trying to play snooker with a rope... it's the same thing..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”

But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enou...

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

When my wife died I couldn’t shower alone for 12 years.

But I’m out of prison now!

What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?

12 Pirates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

I haven't worn clothes for 12 months.

I'm on a 1 year streak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 12 years of marriage…

is learning your spouse sucked 100 dicks a big deal, or is my wife overreacting?

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish....

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a 12 inch penis?

A liar.

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?

It's night and day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12.

But she dozen seem to care.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a 12 inch penis

..... And my girlfriend doesn't know which way to hold the ruler.

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish girls had 12 boobs

Sounds great dozentit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 12 years of marriage my sex life was going through a bit of a rough patch

Then she got a wax

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

I’m going to make a Sherlock Holmes game that is 12 inches long.

I’m going to call it
The Games A Foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 12 monks ...

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, naked, in front of all the head monks while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Joke from my 12 year old son

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 12 breasts and 24 teeth?

The night shift at Waffle House.

I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing...

I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot

Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

Why can’t a nose be 12” long?

Because then it’d be a foot.

I already regret this one

What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall?

One foot in the grave.

4 men and 12 women walk into a bar.

Because of this the bar was finally removed so that no one else would walk into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

My 12 year old’s joke: I threw my mouse against the wall because it wasn’t working

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.

Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Went on a date with a woman who bought along a 12 foot pole with a Superman cape tied to one end

for me that's a red flag

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

After 12 years of regular counselling sessions,

my psychiatrist said something that made me cry like a baby.

He said: “No hablo ingles.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

What did Elon Musk say to Grimes before they made X Æ A-12?

i 1 2 ½ 6

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.

In our house it's really causing division

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

I just bought some 12 year old scotch

Her parents weren't too happy with it though

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 12 naked dudes sitting on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.