UPJOKE
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2 Jokes

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to...
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Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...
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2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the dick in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!
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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

2 word horror story

Prehensile dong
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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.
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A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...
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What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*
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2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes highe...
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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition...
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What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB
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A joke for world war 2 enthusiasts

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the c...
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What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose
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Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
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My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
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I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.
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As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
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There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*
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2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...
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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....
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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

2 hunters are lost in the woods...

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're ...
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Is the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
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I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.
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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
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A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...
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Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
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A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
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It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
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I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now
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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...
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There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't...
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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
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LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...
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I went to the zoo today and there were 2 baguettes in a cage

The sign said they were bread in captivity.
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Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
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2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more g...
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Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”
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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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2 Italian men

So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious.
One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come a...

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na
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Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.
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My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.
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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.
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2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"
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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs
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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
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Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost
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As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"
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What does a person with 2 left feet wear to the beach?

Flip-Flips
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2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...
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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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What has 2 butts and kills people?

Assassin

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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.



Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...
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Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters?

Short
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As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.
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I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...
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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
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I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
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2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...
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A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.
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Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.
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2 engineers on a bike

two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said...
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4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
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There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.
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The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"
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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.


We had six balls between us.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...
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Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.
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Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'
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a^2 + b^2 = c^2

But only if the angle is right.
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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman......

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child suppor...
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Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...
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What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.
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2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...
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2 pilots meet

300 people died
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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
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1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.
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Unintentional joke from a 2 and a half year old:

Oh no, I'm falling in the sink!

I'm sinking!
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After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately Iran was already taken
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If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.
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2 vegans get in a fight

Is it still beef
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2 tourists are driving through Wales...

They stop for lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerchwndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

As they sit down for lunch, one of the tourists asks the waitress:

"Can you settle an argument for us please? Can you pronounce the name of where we are, right now, very slowly?"

The waitress leans...
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2 hunters are duck hunting.....

After a couple hours and missing on several flocks, theyre not having any luck catching anything, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe we haven't caught anything yet", to which the other responds, "i know right, maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough"
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My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u thin...

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.
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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

2 plus 2

A business man asks his doctor what 2 plus 2 is and is told 4. He then asks his lawyer what 2 plus 2 is and gets the same answer 4. Finally he asks his accountant what 2 plus 2 is. The accountant replies 'what do you want it to be',
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What do you call 2 people with identical penises?

Doppelwangers

I asked my doctor to use 2 fingers when checking my prostate..

I wanted a second opinion.
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Why is it wrong to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff?

Because you could have fit 20 of them.
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2 blondes, 2 brunettes, and 2 redheads walk into a bar. The 2 blondes say "hello" to the bartender...

The 4 Non Blondes say "WHAT'S GOING ON!"
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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'
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A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...
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What's worse than 2 girls running with scissors?

2 girls scissoring with the runs.
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It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.
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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III
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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.
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2 things that never get old

Younglings jokes

The Younglings
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$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.
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I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
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After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.
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A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Girls 1 Nerd

A kind of nerdy, loner-type guy finally builds up the courage to talk to two hot women. As he's walking up he's trying to think of something funny and interesting to say when he gets to them he blurts out "97% of women masturbate in the shower!" The two women look at him oddly but are intrigued an...

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

There are only 2 secrets to success in this life

1: never reveal everything you know
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how does 2+2=5?

By mistake
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel joke (take 2)

A wealthy London business man had been doing business in Saudi. His Saudi associate was so pleased with his work he decided to send him a camel as a special gift. The man woke up one morning at his home in Central London and found a camel tied up in the front yard with a note of appreciation tied ar...

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk*

Hey bro, you should charge your milk.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 were walking through the forest

Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 are walking through the forest.

Thumbelina says, “I'm the smallest in the world.”

Snow White says, “And I'm the most beautiful in the world.”

Stalker 2 says, “I'm the most anticipated game.”

They keep walking and walking until they fi...

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"
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Franklin 2.0

I used to collect pennies in a jar, but the jar filled up quickly. So I bought an urn.

A penny saved is a penny urned.
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You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"
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Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure
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Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...
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