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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods...

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

I grilled a chicken for 2 hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

2 Germans walk into a BAR

it did not end well

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

2 dragons walk into a bar

The first one says "it's hot in here."

The second one says "shut your mouth"

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tabet, and a 2 L's is a beast of burden, then what is a three L Lama?

A big fire in Boston

Just burned 2,000 calories.......

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana.

On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single.

Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"

What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

Biased

Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: "brochure"

A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas

These are the Pie rates of the Caribbean

I'm scared of the root of 2

It is an irrational fear

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

2 sentence horror stories be like:

I saw this man here,but then he was there

What did H say 2 O?

Water you doing here?

Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing?

Because I always get a hole in one

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

The only 2 words I want on my Tombstone

Are “Forgot Password”

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2 dung beetles meet

1st one asks; “How’s it going?”
2nd replies; “Same shit, different day.”

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

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2 Muffins are sitting in an oven. One says “It’s a bit hot in here”

The other replies “Holy fuck a talking muffin”

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

2 people dislocated my toe earlier

It was a joint effort.

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

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What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

What do you call 2 divorced chickens?

An eggs couple.

a joke that i thought of 2 mins ago.

kid: mom, can I get $20?”
mom: does it look like I’m made of money?
kid: well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks....

"Do you sell flip, flips?"

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

2 cats are having a race

2 cats are having a race across the Atlantic Ocean. One of them is a English cat named one,two,three and the other is a French cat named un,deux,trois. Which cat wins the race?

The English cat because un,deux,trois cat sank

2 nuns were flashed by a pervert in the park today and one of them had a stroke...

...the other couldn't reach

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea!

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2 flies are sitting in a turd

One of them farts.

The other says “ah come on man, I’m trying to eat here!”

What fruit has 2 eyes?

A kiwi

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

Age 0-2: Getting your....

Age 0-2: Getting your child to talk and walk

Age 4-6: Getting them to talk and run around less

Age 15-17: Getting them to talk and move more

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

How does 2+2 =5 ?

By mistake

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Going to have sex with my girlfriend tonight starting at 2:00am

That way she'll think I lasted an hour and two minutes.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

2 men go hunting, one of which for his first time

They’re walking 10 meters apart or so, when they new hunter hears a sound and quickly turns & excitedly fires his rifle, just barely missing his friend.

“Good God man, be careful!” the friend yells.

“Oh man, I’m sorry!”

But no more than a few minutes later he does it again...

If I have 2 daughters, I will name one as Kate

And the others duplikate

There are 2 types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

My father taught me 2 important rules for life

1. Never judge people based on stereotypes

2. Never trust a Frenchman

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

2 blondes are on a roller coaster...

One says to the other, "If we turn upside down, will we fall out?"

The other says, "Of course not !! We will still be friends. "

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

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2 drunk man are sitting in a bar

2 very drunk man are sitting in a bar, one of them throws up on his shirt and says "Man, my wife is going to kill me. I was only supposed to get groceries"

The other man looks at him and says "I have a idea, put 50$ in your shirt pocket. If you're wife asks about the shirt you just say, that ...

My favorite 2 liner

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.

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2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

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There are 2 unwritten rules for having sex

1) 2)

I have 8 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears. What am I?

Ugly

A blonde is on a 2 seater aeroplane when the pilot suddenly passes out.

Not knowing how to fly the plane she grabs the radio and says: "Mayday, mayday, my pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and replies: "Don't worry maam I'll talk you down, just do as I say.”

First I need you to give me your height and position? Blonde: "I'm 5'2 an...

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

What has 20 legs and 2 teeth.

The methadone line

Why do Irish love powers of 2?

They love Dublin

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

If 2 vegans start arguing...

Is it still beef?

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time

One to cook, one to clean..


Ok ban me but joke is funny.

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

2 burglars are robbing a liquor store. One says to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"

The other replies, "Yes...But not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

When They Say Everything is Coming your Way, there’s 2 Meanings to that.

1.) Everything is going as you expected.

2.) You’re in the Wrong Lane.

The doctor gave me 2 years to live so I killed him

...the judge gave me 15 years in prison

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

There are 2 reasons you shouldn't rely on procrastinators.

1). They never finish anything

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of...

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If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome…

I understand why they call you handsome!

The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors...

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense the population is.

Maths teacher - Johnny, what's 2+2?

*Johnny counts on his fingers....*

Johnny - FOUR, miss?
Math teacher - yeah, that's right. But you are counting on your fingers...
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's 3+3?

*Johnny fumbles around..*

Johnny - SIX, miss?
Math teacher - yes, that's right..but...

Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby

cause 2 wongs don’t make a white

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2 hunters chat about their hunting stories

2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just ...

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

Why did the golfer take 2 pants when he went to the golf course

In case he got a **hole in one**

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

$100 bill.

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2 men at an airport.

2 men at an airport. 1st man says,
"I can't find my wife." 2nd man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?" 1st man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?" 2nd man says, "Fuck her we'll look for yours.

Why do Chicken Coops always have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4, they would be a Chicken Sedan.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells?

...pregnant!

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

What do you call 2 Barbies waiting to enter hell?

A Barbie-que

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

When they say '2% milk' I get confused

I don't know what the other 98% is!

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

The only cake joke I could remember for cake day.

What’s the difference a cake and a pie?

πr2, cake is round.

2 men walk into a bar.

2 men walk into a bar.



You would of thought the 2nd would have seen it coming.

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