After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds

I confronted him and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

If I have 2 daughters, I will name one as Kate

And the others duplikate

There are 2 types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets

How does 2+2 =5 ?

By mistake

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Why did the 2-legged dog stop running?

Because it had two paws.

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

My favorite 2 liner

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.

A blonde is on a 2 seater aeroplane when the pilot suddenly passes out.

Not knowing how to fly the plane she grabs the radio and says: "Mayday, mayday, my pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and replies: "Don't worry maam I'll talk you down, just do as I say.”

First I need you to give me your height and position? Blonde: "I'm 5'2 an...

A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time

One to cook, one to clean..


Ok ban me but joke is funny.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Did you hear about the 2 guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

What has 20 legs and 2 teeth.

The methadone line

I have 8 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears. What am I?

Ugly

If 2 vegans start arguing...

Is it still beef?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 2 unwritten rules for having sex

1) 2)

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

When They Say Everything is Coming your Way, there’s 2 Meanings to that.

1.) Everything is going as you expected.

2.) You’re in the Wrong Lane.

2 burglars are robbing a liquor store. One says to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"

The other replies, "Yes...But not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

There is 2 eye lids that are both waiters

and their manager is named brain. Brain said “You two are closing tonight.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

The doctor gave me 2 years to live so I killed him

...the judge gave me 15 years in prison

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

Why did the golfer take 2 pants when he went to the golf course

In case he got a **hole in one**

Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby

cause 2 wongs don’t make a white

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

There are 2 reasons you shouldn't rely on procrastinators.

1). They never finish anything

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

Maths teacher - Johnny, what's 2+2?

*Johnny counts on his fingers....*

Johnny - FOUR, miss?
Math teacher - yeah, that's right. But you are counting on your fingers...
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's 3+3?

*Johnny fumbles around..*

Johnny - SIX, miss?
Math teacher - yes, that's right..but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

$100 bill.

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of...

Why do Chicken Coops always have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4, they would be a Chicken Sedan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 hunters chat about their hunting stories

2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just ...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw 2 guys dressed the same, so I asked them if they are gay.

Then they arrested me.

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

What do you call 2 Barbies waiting to enter hell?

A Barbie-que

The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors...

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense the population is.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda was in charge of the scheduling.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

2 men walk into a bar.

2 men walk into a bar.



You would of thought the 2nd would have seen it coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome…

I understand why they call you handsome!

What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells?

...pregnant!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

When they say '2% milk' I get confused

I don't know what the other 98% is!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 men at an airport.

2 men at an airport. 1st man says,
"I can't find my wife." 2nd man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?" 1st man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?" 2nd man says, "Fuck her we'll look for yours.

For my friend’s birthday, I just bought him a giant clock after 2 hours of shopping.

Time to wrap it up.

Why did the pirate get $2 ear rings?

Because they're a buck an ear!

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would totally kiss a dude for some 2% milk right now

No Homo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make your wife scream for 2 hours after you've had sex?

Wipe it in the curtain.

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

The only cake joke I could remember for cake day.

What’s the difference a cake and a pie?

πr2, cake is round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 2 butts and kills people?

An assassin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard a man died on the toilet after eating 2 dumbbells

Thats some heavy shit (sorry)

What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

2 Mexicans with the same name walk into a bar

One says hello my name is ____

Two says oh cool my name is also ____

One replys "oh, i guess I'm not the only Juan"

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

2 friends are driving home when one said;

Can you check if my indicator light is working?

So the other friend sticks his head out the window and says;

Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no

√-1 2³ ∑π

And it was delicious

What do you call it when 2 seniors stay up past their bedtimes?

An election.

There are 2 types of people in this world....

1) People who think the government is looking out for their best interests.

2) People who think.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man stops 2 friends and I leaving a bar...

A man stopped 2 of my friends and I as we left a bar one night.

He ran up to us eagerly but quickly pulled a knife out and began threatening us.

He said “If you’re dick sizes don’t add up to 21 inches exactly, I’m going to kill you all right here”

Me, being the leader that I a...

2 hardcore Trump supporters die and go to heaven...

Then they get deported for being illegal immigrants

Tonight my neighbour called me at 2:30 am.

2:30 am?! Crazy dude...
Lucky for him I was drumming.

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"

One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is ...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

Jesus is about to turn 2,020.

Doesn’t look a day over 33.

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

My possessed coworker keeps yelling 2 + 2 = 5

He’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys were walking down the street...

Guy 1: Guess what?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Chicken butt.

Guy 2: John, you’re 22. You need to be more mature.

Guy 1: Ok. Guess what?

Guy 2: What did I just say?

Guy 1: To be more mature. Now guess what.

Guy 2: What.

Guy 1: Chicken ass.

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

Dennis Rodman earns himself a cameo in Kazaam 2.

Knowing full well that this would be a large production, he decided to arrive on set well before his scheduled scene was meant to be filmed. Even with his prudent planning, when he drove onto the lot, there was only one spot left and so he took it. As soon he stepped out his vehicle however, he was ...

I saw 2 kids beating up a kid in an alleyway, so I stepped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs

Your mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes?

A beginner

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says “One... Two... Three” jumps in the water and swims across.

The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. “Un... Deux... Trois...” Cat sank.

2 cannibals were eating Amy Schumer

One of them asks “does this taste funny?”
And the other one said no

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