A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

How do you stop 2 deaf People from arguing?

You turn off the Light

Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

I passed by a roadside stand that said "lobster tails: $2"

So I stopped, paid my $2 and the man said,

"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it'd be a chicken sedan!

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

Why was 2 afraid of 1?

1 was odd

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2 Irish men

2 Irish men ,Paddy and mick are walking in the countryside through a field when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence.
Mick looks around to check the coast is clear,drops his trousers and starts fucking the sheep.
Half way through he looks at paddy winks and sa...

2 friends meet each other. Matt is afraid, while Lycas is wet.

Lucas says: "Why are you scared?". Then Matt replies: "Yesterday, I was driving my car and accidentally I hit deer. I tought it was dead, so I thrown it in a nearby lake. By the way, why are you wet?". Lucas replies: "I was going to a costume party, dressed like a deer. Then someone hit me, and then...

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

What do you get when you cross 2.7 trillion dollars with 250,000 lives?

Literally nothing.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, t...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

2 Cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

Cannibal 1: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Cannibal 2: “No.”

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

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2 guys get caught by jungle people

One day 2 guys are going somewhere via a dense forest. Suddenly they get surrounded by tribals.
"You have dared to cross our private territory. You must pay now. Either face the leader's punishment or face death"

Guy 1 opts for the leader's punishment.
The leader shows up: "you have t...

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

My doctor told me I would be deaf in 2 years

I haven't heard from him since

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

A man completely blindsided his wife of 2 years, asking her for a divorce.

Although she was shocked and heart-broken, she asked the man *why* he wanted a divorce.

**Man:** Do you remember when we first met?

**Wife:** Yes…

**Man:** Well back then I had awesome long hair, I didn’t have a car but I had a janky motorcycle that I loved, I worked in a Bar,...

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

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World War 2 joke

Sometime around 1943, when the Germans were losing the war, Hitler decided to boost his army's morale by visiting the front.

While there, he had the oppurtunity to interact with a soldier. He commented, "My brave young man, you are risking your life for the country by standing in the way of t...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 2)

It's the second day of interviews for the position at the CIA. The three men are ready for their next step.

The interviewers take the first man into the interrogation room where the is someone tied to a chair with a hood over their face. They say "This is a practical task designed to test you...

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."

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2 men broke into a drugstore

And stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

2 girls walk out of the locker room at the NBA finals tonight. . .

One looks at the other and says "I can't believe I just blew 15 Bucks in there"

What has 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

I was stuck driving behind a cement mixer for 1/2 an hour

It had a "Do not overtake turning vehicle" sign.

Joke 2#

What do you give to a sick lemon?



LEMON AID

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1, 2, 3,4 I declare a thumb war

5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masterbate.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Old Soviet Joke #2

At a local Party meeting the Chairman concludes his speech and asks if there are any questions. No one says anything until Shapiro raises his hand.

"I have three questions, Comrade Chairman. First, where have all our cattle gone? Second, where has all the meat from the cattle gone? Third, whe...

Why do the golfer wear 2 pants.

Just in case there is a hole in one.

My 2 friends got into an intense art competition.

It ended up being a draw!

2 refugees cross the border.

2 refugees cross the border. They wander in the desert, lost and running low on supplies. They continue on until a week later. Now out of supplies and really struggling, one of them stops and says, "Hey, Jose, you smell that"?

Jose sniffs the air and replies, " No, I don't smell anything"....

What did the Republicans do when Obama won the election 2 times in a row?

They pulled out their Trump card

[NSFW] 3 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man came along and flashed them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke.

The third one missed.

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2 friends go to do a job interview

Before the interview receptionist asks them for their basic details to fill in a form:

Reciptionist: Name?

First friend: Willy Ben Chen.

Receptionist: Sex?

First friend: 3 to 4 times a week.

Receptionist: *shakes* no, I mean male or female.

First friend:...

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Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

Just got this from my 2 year old:

Chicken pox

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus.

I don't remember my choice

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost

2 dragons walk into a bar

The first one says "it's hot in here."

The second one says "shut your mouth"

What walks into an alley with 6 legs and walks out with 2?

"What walks into an alley with 6 legs and walks out with 2?"

"What?"

"The Wayne Family"

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

Biased

It's been 2 days and it's driving me crazy but I can't remember the name of those small blocks with which kids and adults build stuff.

My wife tells me to Lego of it but I can't.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

I heard 2 older married couples talking when one of the men told the other he went to a great restaurant.

When he was asked what it was called he looked puzzled and said "what's that flower, the one people always give?"

"A rose?"

"Yes! Rose, that's it" he then looks at the woman beside him "hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tabet, and a 2 L's is a beast of burden, then what is a three L Lama?

A big fire in Boston

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

My daughter of 2 months is standing on her own…

People say it’s incredible, remarkable, majestic, and so on, but since I took her out of the house, I think she’s outstanding.


My first post. I do have a 2 month old, and she is outstanding, but not outside and definitely not on her own.

Just burned 2,000 calories.......

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000.

She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”

“On a person.”

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

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A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana.

On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single.

Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"

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A guy has been watching porn 2-3 times a day for a month

You could say he's hentai-social.

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

Bad pun #2

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?!

It’s alright, he woke up.

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2 old women are out for a walk...

They are talking philosophically about how their lives went now that they are close to the end of their lives. One woman asks “if you could do it all over again, would you marry your husband again?”

The woman replies “Of course, because FUCK HIM!”

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What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

Why do I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing?

Because I always get a hole in one

What did H say 2 O?

Water you doing here?

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

2 sentence horror stories be like:

I saw this man here,but then he was there

2 people dislocated my toe earlier

It was a joint effort.

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2 dung beetles meet

1st one asks; “How’s it going?”
2nd replies; “Same shit, different day.”

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2 Muffins are sitting in an oven. One says “It’s a bit hot in here”

The other replies “Holy fuck a talking muffin”

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

What do you call 2 divorced chickens?

An eggs couple.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

How does 2+2 =5 ?

By mistake

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea!

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

Age 0-2: Getting your....

Age 0-2: Getting your child to talk and walk

Age 4-6: Getting them to talk and run around less

Age 15-17: Getting them to talk and move more

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

Has a threesome with 2 anorexic women

2 birds, 1 stone

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

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Going to have sex with my girlfriend tonight starting at 2:00am

That way she'll think I lasted an hour and two minutes.

If I have 2 daughters, I will name one as Kate

And the others duplikate

2 cats are having a race

2 cats are having a race across the Atlantic Ocean. One of them is a English cat named one,two,three and the other is a French cat named un,deux,trois. Which cat wins the race?

The English cat because un,deux,trois cat sank

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

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2 flies are sitting in a turd

One of them farts.

The other says “ah come on man, I’m trying to eat here!”

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

My favorite 2 liner

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.

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There are 2 unwritten rules for having sex

1) 2)

2 men go hunting, one of which for his first time

They’re walking 10 meters apart or so, when they new hunter hears a sound and quickly turns & excitedly fires his rifle, just barely missing his friend.

“Good God man, be careful!” the friend yells.

“Oh man, I’m sorry!”

But no more than a few minutes later he does it again...

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

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2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

My father taught me 2 important rules for life

1. Never judge people based on stereotypes

2. Never trust a Frenchman

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If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome…

I understand why they call you handsome!

I have 8 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears. What am I?

Ugly

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2 drunk man are sitting in a bar

2 very drunk man are sitting in a bar, one of them throws up on his shirt and says "Man, my wife is going to kill me. I was only supposed to get groceries"

The other man looks at him and says "I have a idea, put 50$ in your shirt pocket. If you're wife asks about the shirt you just say, that ...

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

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