A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

Maths is fun

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic. "What's wrong?" asks e^x. "There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hur...

There are 11 types of people in this world...

1 those who understand binary

2 those who don't

3 those who are sick of hearing this joke





4 those who don't check for data overruns



Commit: re-scope of overflow after code review thanks @eightvo

-- 6 those who don't check for data overrun...

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

2 blind kids were fighting at school...

A bunch of students started to crowd around the fight. One of the students yelled “I’ve got 20 bucks on the one with the knife!”

Both of them ran away

An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

My Grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas during world war 2

He’s a seasoned veteran.

I like toilets for 2 reasons:

Number 1:
And number 2.

Some people say theres 2 kinds of pirates; theres the "yo ho ho" or the "yarrggh". I belong to an exclusive third group called:

"I'm not paying $120 a year for photoshop".






*Edit: fixed the price according to google*

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

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A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

What is blond and has 2 brain cells?

Conjoined twins

2 drunk old men walk into a brothel

One of them says to the Madame, "How do you do? We'd like the 2 nicest dolls in the place!" The Madame says to the bartender, "give these men a couple of drinks then put a doll in room 6 and a doll in room 7". The old drunk men go into their rooms and when they appear soon after, the Madame asks th...

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

2 Cowboys are stranded in the desert.

They keep pushing on and on until they see a tree.
#
This tree in particular looked like a bacon tree.
#
“We’re saved” exclaimed the cowboys.
#
They rushed towards the tree and where quickly shot down.
#
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
#
#
I was not aware ...

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

2 men walk into a bar...

One says “Can I have some H2O?”
The other guys says “I’ll have some H2O too.”
The second guy dies.

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

Why was the anti-vaxxers 2 year old crying?

Mid-Life Crisis

How do you get 2 million followers

Run around brooklyn with a popeyes chicken sandwich

I burned 2,000 calories today...

I fell asleep with a pizza in the oven.

My doctor told me I have 2 weeks to live.

So I robbed a bank and a judge gave me 15 years.

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

A man wearing a trench coat, with nothing on underneath, walks up to 3 nuns sitting on a park bench. The first 2 nuns were so appalled they gasped and fainted.

The 3rd nun had a stroke.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone that speaks 1 language?
American.

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.
The man drinks both and leaves the bar.
The next day the man orders two more beers and the bartender asks why he keeps ordering two beers at a time.
The man replies, "I order one for me and one for my brother in Ireland".
And so the man keeps...

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How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?

With 2-in-1 shampoo.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

Cannibalism would solve 2 major problems.

World hunger and overpopulation.

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes...

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

There are 2 types of people in this world

1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

Spiderman 1: Homecoming, Spiderman 2: Far from Home

Spiderman 3: Homeless

I live by 2 rules :

1: never let anyone know my next move

2:

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

1. Never give out the full information.

What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

Who’s got 2 thumbs and a lisp?

Thith guy.

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

2 Talibans having a conversation.

Jalla: Hakeem what is wrong?

Hakeem: I am tired of people being racist against muslems!"

Jalla: Tell me brother, what has happened?

Hakeem: I was sitting on an airplane and an old lady asked me if I was a terrorist.

Jalla: I am sorry, my friend. What did you say?

H...

Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

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Sarah got into prison for 2 weeks.

When she's was finally got expelled from prison her mother came to pick her up.

"Sarah, my dear. How was prison? Hope it wasn't too bad. I've got the whole day off to spend on some quality mother daughter time. What would you like to do first."

\- "Could we go to the mall please?"
...

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I was teaching my 2 year old son how to drink through a straw.

His mom walks in just to hear me say to him: "You *suck*, just like mommy's boobies".

What do you call a 2,000 lb Mexican dumpling?

JuanTon

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

Did you hear about the 2 guys who broke into a house and stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

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When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.

Now I understand why they call Johnny handsome.

2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the othe...

I lost the 2 middle keys in my keyboard

jk

Today I found out that the prison where Jeffery Epstein was kept didn’t have a suicide for 2 decades...

...and counting!

I got sober 2 years ago..

Worst hour I can remember.

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old

Those are the years you are in your prime.

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

There are 2 chickens in a barn, one says: "tok, tok, tok, tok, tok".

The other replies: "are you tokking to me"?

What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?

Juan on Juan!

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

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Pee is #1 and Poop and Diarrhea are #2

Diarrhea is just not a solid #2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

Friend: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. Talk to your doctor.

Me: [hurriedly calls doctor] hey do u suffer from depression?

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I named my 2 balls Jenna and Talia.

Together they are my Jenna Talia.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

Deer 1 notices Deer 2 is feeling sad

Deer 1: what’s wrong

Deer 2: well my wife went to Vegas, and blew 50 bucks

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs €2.00 A chicken pie in Trinidad costs €2.15 A chicken pie in St Kitts costs €2.40

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

Quasimodo Part 2

After Quasimodo’s funeral the next Sunday, his identical twin brother Farsimodo that no one knew he had was so distraught that he vowed to take up his brother’s mantle. Realizing that the funeral got out right before he had to ring the bells for the first time, he made a mad dash for the spires of ...

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

I have 2 short jokes and a long joke

Joke joke jooooooooke

2 blonds are working on bulding a house...

One blond is working on putting the nails in, on a side of a house. As the other blond watches, she sees her put a nail in, then throw one away, then throw away another one, and put one in... She repeats this for a while, then the other blond asks her "Why are you throwing away those nails?" she rep...

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of direction, Yoda was.

Murphy and O'Brien calculate the depth of a well

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?' O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'. Murphy says, 'What's that?' O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the...

2 windmills were talking to each other

Windmill 1: what kind of music do you like?

Windmill 2: im just a metal fan really

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A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.

He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.

She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.

"Why yes, yes I would"

"Great, what about 5 bucks?"

All of a sudden she loses her smile a...

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2 men visits a prostitute

First guy went into the bedroom, came back out 10 minutes later disappointed
Second guy asked "What's wrong?" First guy says "She's not even worth it, even my wife's better than that." The second guy wanting to go a round for himself, walks into the bedroom. Shortly after 10 minutes, the second ...

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

Last night I spent 2,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar.

I figured, what the heck. You only live once.

I downloaded a torrent the other day and the next day 2 agents knocked on my door accusing me of being a Pirate.

I told them I can’t be a pirate and they asked why is that? I showed them my Reddit profile and said “See, no gold”

I have spent the last 2 years looking for my ex gf's killer...

But no one will do it.

My phones been on 1% for the last 2 hours

I dont know when its going t

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

Did you know that 2 in 4 people...

Can’t reduce fractions?

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

What falls on 2/22/2222?

A 2’s day.

2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says:

Do you smell fish?

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country. One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind. His trip ended and he went home.
...

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

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6 against 2

So no shit there we were! in this huge fight, it was six agains two!!

They were the toughest two fuckers I’ve ever seen

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

What do you call 2 thots fighting?

A hoe-down

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

What do you call a man with 2 donkeys?

Biased

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