I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?

10

If 3.14 is Pie Day, then what is 3.28?

Cake Day!

There were 30 students but only 28 chicken nuggets. How many kids didn’t get nuggets?

Ten. Why? Because only twenty ate chicken nuggets.

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Great news! The U.S. is now 61.7% fully vaccinated ...

... and 28.4% fully dewormed.

Your age + what rhythms with it

I am 28 and I can’t wait

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

A priest was preaching one Sunday.

"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"

Everyone nodded.

"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"

More than half the people raised their hand.

"That is very unfortunate to see as there is ...

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

Wife was in the ICU

Doctor : It seems she is in coma.

Husband : Please save her. She is just 28.

*Suddenly the ECG started beeping. A hand moved and her lips mumbled*

And she spoke, " **I'm 27** "

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

"How much for dressed chicken?" "$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

Me and my wife were happy for 28 years...

Then we met each other

What month has 28 days?

Every month has 28 days

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend.

I slayed 28 Bobs!!

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a gas station and buy a pack of 28 condoms

Next Friday he buys another pack and continues every week for a whole year when the store clerk ask man tell me your secret how are you going through this many? There’s only 7 days a week and and your buying over twenty.

The man laughs replies I feed them to my dog so he poops in little bag...

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

An Iguana can hold it's breathe for up to 28 minutes

or longer if you don't mind it dying.

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.

He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrin...

Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

Warning: Over 18 only!

19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from"28 days later". (Joke for the humorless)

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, “Oi. You can’t leave that lyin’ there.” And the man says, “No. It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

I'm so introverted...

That I was told to self-isolate for 14 days, and asked to make it an even 28.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

What do you call someone who just keeps saying 6.28 over and over again?

A tautologist.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"

The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."

A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,

"You're ninety eight years old...

Suge Knight got 28 years...

At least he didn't get Death Row.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

What do you get when you put 28 Alabama Sorority girls in one room?

A full set of teeth

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

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A guy is driving home one day and hears a voice that says "Sell your car, sell your house, take all the money and go to Vegas"

He thinks it's weird, and that he's imagining things.

Same thing happens the next day, and then again, every day for weeks. Finally after about a month he decides to do it. Sells his car, his house, takes all the money and flies to Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me 30 minutes, and I will give you some truly amazing sex...

Then afterwards, we'll still have 28 minutes to do something else fun!

Alabama has changed its drinking age to 28

Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins

and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked Keven Spacey "What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?"

He said there are 20 of them.

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eat shit and die

Is a reasonable to-do list for day 28 in the life of a house fly

The sun doesn’t have to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

My girlfriend goes on a bike trip every 28 days.

She calls it her monthly cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A step-to-step Guide on how to fall down stairs:

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 6
Step 9
Step 16
Step 28

A group of blonde women decide once and for all, they were going to end the stereotype that blondes are dumb.

They hired a professor from Harvard to do a group test. 100 blonde women entered into a room and one of them was picked at random. The professor explained that he was going to ask a series of questions.

He asked the woman... “What is 5 + 10?”

”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s...

Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 28 feet.

My young sister: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

My young sister: No no. I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

 

 

Btw, my sister is 28 years old.

And how old are you?

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It inste...

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

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