28 Jokes - 82 Hilarious 28 Jokes

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

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I am no longer a 28 year old virgin!

I am a 29 year old virgin.

How many months have 28 days?

>!All of them!<

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

An iguana can stay underwater for up to 28 minutes

Or longer, if you don't mind it dying

Me and my wife were happy for 28 years...

Then we met each other

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Alabama has changed its drinking age to 28

Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

If 3.14 is Pie Day, then what is 3.28?

Cake Day!

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

A boy asked his Bitcoin investing uncle

for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin.

Uncle: $10.28? What do you need $8.41 for?

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

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A young man was delivering liquor to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The man smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a swe...

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Joke from"28 days later". (Joke for the humorless)

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, “Oi. You can’t leave that lyin’ there.” And the man says, “No. It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.

There were 30 students but only 28 chicken nuggets. How many kids didn’t get nuggets?

Ten. Why? Because only twenty ate chicken nuggets.

"How much for dressed chicken?" "$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"

The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

Suge Knight got 28 years...

At least he didn't get Death Row.

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

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There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.

He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrin...

My teacher asked me which month had 28 days.

I said all of them.

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Camelot is to lose its licence to run the UK national lottery after 28 years as rival Allwyn was chosen by the Gambling Commission

using Lancelot, and set of balls number six.

A boy asked his Crypto-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Shiba Inu currency..

Dad: $16.57? What do you need $3.28 for?

What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

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Man walks into a gas station and buy a pack of 28 condoms

Next Friday he buys another pack and continues every week for a whole year when the store clerk ask man tell me your secret how are you going through this many? There’s only 7 days a week and and your buying over twenty.

The man laughs replies I feed them to my dog so he poops in little bag...

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court

They're awaiting their sentence

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"

The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."

A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,

"You're ninety eight years old...

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What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them..

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

What do you get when you put 28 Alabama Sorority girls in one room?

A full set of teeth

This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins

and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

My girlfriend goes on a bike trip every 28 days.

She calls it her monthly cycle.

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Someone asked Keven Spacey "What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?"

He said there are 20 of them.

Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

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What's the best part about fucking 28 year olds?

There's 20 of em'

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

Toturial on how to fall down the stairs:

Step 1, step 2, step 5, step 14, step 28.

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

And how old are you?

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater w...

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Great news! The U.S. is now 61.7% fully vaccinated ...

... and 28.4% fully dewormed.

All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart

So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in ord...

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

A group of blondes walk into a bar

A group of blondes walk into a bar celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"

Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a bartender goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are y...

Whats the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend.

I slayed 28 Bobs!!

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Warning: Over 18 only!

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When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

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