UPJOKE
rubdestroyshakepass oversweeptowelflusheraseeradicateremoveeliminatecleanseridpullcarve

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't blind people tell when they're done wiping?

Because they can't see shit.

Saw a janitor wiping the handrail on an ascending escalator

He was cleaning up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a blindman know if he is done wiping his ass ?

It starts to taste like toilet paper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to wiping

I can be pretty anal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

I hate it when my finger goes through the loo roll when I’m wiping

It’s by far the worst part of my job at the care home!

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time!

That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Chihuahua say to the homeowner after wiping its butt on the lawn?

Grassy-ass amigo!

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an entitled Gen X’er who loves Japanese beer but has trouble wiping her ass?

Karen Itchybum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the answer to the question about how do blind people know when to stop wiping.

Today the electricity went out at my place of employment during a thunderstorm. While I was in the mens room. It was then that I remembered that blind people can’t see shit, so how do they know when to stop wiping? the answer is: they don't. you just sort of guess and let me tell you- it's never eno...

In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For years I've been wiping my arse with my right hand.

I now realise that I should have been using toilet paper.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

35 year old me: In the 30 years I've been wiping my own ass, I've never quite gotten the hang of it.

My friend: wait...you didn't start wiping your own ass until you were 5?

Me: No I was 3, but that chick I dated for a while after my divorce had some weird kinks.

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

Teacher at parents meeting :

-Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother angrily :

-I can't believe it. I wonder where he found it from ??

-He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

-He really said that ... ?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.