Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

Someone should make a poison whose antidote can only be received via flu shot, in order to eliminate the anti vaxxers...

...oh wait.

My neighbor asked me what I do for a living, and I told him I eliminate the filth of the earth and clean up the stains left behind.

Apparently describing my house cleaning job this way warrants a call to the local police station.

A woman walks into a dry cleaners....

She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."

He says, "Come again?"

She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."

Why can't you eliminate Satan from Linux?

Because 666 isn't executable.

My immune system is racist

Every time it finds a foreign body it tries to eliminate it.

What is the most Shakespearean way to eliminate bird flu?

Murder most fowl.

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

Should we eliminate psychopaths from the gene pool?

It might seem like a splendid idea, but as much pain and suffering these individuals put the rest of us through... We still need women for survival of the species.

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated?

WASWAS.

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

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Hot coffee eliminates 66.6% of a man's sexual capabilities

It burns your fingers and your tongue.

The Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves were both eliminated from the playoffs on Columbus Day.

And the Redskins might lose too.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

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Neuroscientists have discovered a commonly-consumed food which nearly eliminates the female sex drive.

Wedding cake.

Ghana has eliminated the U.S. from last two World Cups...

They're probably Ghana do it again.

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Canada Eliminates the Penny....

Canada eliminates the penny and advices retailers to round to the nearest nickel officially claiming they don't give a shit about its citizen's 2 cents....finally an honest government!

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

First date

Girl: "So, what do you do in life?"

Guy: "Well, I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers!"

Girl: "Oh my god, that's amazing!"

Guy: "Thanks! So, what's your sign?"

Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

A high jumper walks into a bar

and is eliminated.

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We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

The stair joke

There was once a competition between 5 friends to walk up a flight of ten stairs, the first to get to the top wins. The catch? Every stair has a joke on it and if you were to laugh on any stair you were eliminated.

The first friend goes and makes it to the second stair before laughing at the...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

More NFL news

NFL CUTS ONE TEAM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.

They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

The...

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Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

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Genie on the beach

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie,...

Natural Selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the...

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- ...

Once upon a time in ancient Rome...

...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in ques...

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

Life is pretty much like Netflix

If you eliminate your standards completely, there's more to enjoy

What does Donald Trump and a mathematician have in common?

They both like to eliminate radicals.

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Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real


Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.


The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands...

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Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal d...

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.

But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

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Stuttering Salesman

A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff."

"Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and ...

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

A friendly lime works at a sandwich shop

....and one day and orange walks in and orders a sub sandwich. The lime, happy to oblige, makes the orange a delicious sub sandwich.

The orange says to the lime "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom, will you please watch my sandwich?" The lime agrees and the orange excuses himself to the r...

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

A female drifter

I'm a drifter, a woman, and you don't find that much, especially in England. I run a scam pretending to be a nanny. Too recently, I had to eliminate some competition for the job. I got in, and got in real good with the parents. Scared the kids. I gave them LSD and forced them to consort with a schiz...

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Funny Lance Armstrong Joke (#2)

(#1)I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

(#2) I just heard that the Tour De France is trying to eliminate Performance Enhancing Drugs.. Yet, they're sponsored by... Viagra

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