UPJOKE
cutengravecut upslicegravehewsculptureshavechiselwhittleforgesculptchopwrestweave

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dildo carved from oak?

A woodpecker.

Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

When they fell in love, they carved their initials into a tree.

When they got married, they added a year. And for each kid, initials and a year. Then finally one day, while camping under the tree, it fell and killed them all. Which goes to show that karma's a birch.

Before Mt Rushmore was carved

its beauty was unpresidented

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Saw a tree with 'Live, Laugh, Love' carved into it

It was a basic birch

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

What's the best way to carve wood ?

Whittle by whittle

There's a movie about people who carve statues of the dead that show only their heads and shoulders

Ghostbusters!

When on a first date you should always carve your initials together on something.

It's the most romantic way to show them you have a knife.

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump...

Wood Ewe believe it?

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

What's the best way to carry big carved logs?

Totem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine a pair of breast carved in a tree

It would be weird, wooden tit ?

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

Obama was offered to get his face carved into Mount Rushmore

But he declined. He didn't want to get ahead of himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

What did the marble head of the centurion say to the criminally intoxicated young women carved on the wall?

Frieze, this is a bust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

Request for a punchline

I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.

So here goes.

Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?

Edit : Thank you for the punchlines. Got some chuckles. Much appreciated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

The Trids and the Rabbi

Once there was a rabbi who was a happy hermit living by himself in some hills far away from anyone else. It wasn’t that he didn’t like people, he just found that being alone was satisfying.

Every day, the rabbi would walk through the woods in the hills. So familiar with the woods was he that ...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends...

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, "Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?"

The mother replies, "Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat."

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.