Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying the world today?

I don’t know, and I don’t really care,

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow I will bring an MP5.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

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Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with Navy destroyers.

He warships them.

Things you should never ask Drax the Destroyer to do for you.

Babysit

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

Creating a drug that destroys mitochondria...

is a waste of energy

It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

What do you call a madman who destroys a trillion bytes of data?

A Teraist

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

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It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

If at first you don’t succeed,

destroy all evidence that you tried.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

If you were looking for a punchline them im sorry to say but its in the title. Now i know this breaks the rules but for this specific joke to have the punchline separate just destroys the underlying potential humor.

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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My grand dad was a WW2 vet, he destroyed 12 Nazi aircraft aviators killing 45 German aviators

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

I used to work long and unsociable hours in a shoes recycling factory....

... it was sole destroying!

The Outdoor Toilet

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor toilet.

He kept bickering his dad for a modern, indoor one, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.

Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, puts a lot of dynamite be...

How many Kings does it take to viciously destroy a room full of lightbulbs ?

Vi Kings

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Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

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My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

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I have become the very thing I swore to destroy

A pussy !

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

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Superman had to stop the world from being destroyed while he had a boner,

Saving the world had never been so hard.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

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Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

The Redskins are currently getting destroyed on MNF

Wouldn't be the first time they got destroyed on Columbus Day.

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

A massive earthquake destroys a town

It was the earth’s fault

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack.

No letter has been charged, but the cops suspect G-had a hand in it.

The cheese factory was destroyed today...

Debris was everywhere.

A luchador, after helping a group of friends says....

"I bid you adios amigos!"

Paladin: so soon?"

Luchador: "Si. I am quest to destroy my fallen brother, corrupted by the diabolical and reborn undead. He is called... El Lichador!

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar hysterical. He runs up to the bartender and says "help there's a wizard on a horse who's trying to kill me! Please I need to use your phone!" The bartender, thoroughly confused, studders and says "okay." The crazed man calls his wife, "honey, there's a wizard on a horse who's ...

Samonella outbreaks have destroyed many great civilizations in the past...

“The Romaine empire has fallen, Caesar is dead, lettuce pray”

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

I’ve been banned from all McDonald’s for destroying a restaurant and killing 6 people.

It wasn’t my fault, the sign said to drive through.

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

What happened when the Borg’s central computer was destroyed?

They lost their collective minds

How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?

split them into groups and teach them different religions.

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Found the secrect to destroying a girls arse on the first date

Take em cycling

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

What do you call a group of people hell-bent on destroying the Earth?

Terrarists

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Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they’re looking for the suspect.

Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas’ fault

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

In World War II ...

There are a few companies of soldiers in the earthworks, but the strangest by far are the troops in D-company. They actually organized themselves, from officers down to privates, based on the whims of a wildebeest they somehow keep as a pet. Naturally, everyone things this is a bit odd, and as such ...

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

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A guy forced his penis into my ear canal and literally destroyed my ear...

And now I got hearing AIDS.

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

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A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

Donald Trump did and goes to hell

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll show you the three people, and their punishme...

What will the ISIS be called when we eventually destroy them?

WASWAS.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

There are 280 Navy personnel on a destroyer when they leave for a cruise. Not a single one comes back....

...just 140 couples.

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I’m practically married to Reddit and it’s destroying my life.

Karma is a bitch.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

I accidentally destroyed my home by subtracting (2*5) from 10.

Nothing was left in the aftermath.

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

Why is suicide illegal in most countries?

Because the government do not want you destroying their property.

Tea break is over.

Back to work citizen.

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

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Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

How will Trump destroy ISIS?

He will buy it and then run it like one of his casinos.

My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

If you want to destroy science, you are a fundamentalist; if you want to destroy spiritual theology, you are a scientist; if you want to destroy both, you are

Nietzsche

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.

The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

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A little girl named Susie....

...was playing outside in the backyard and saw a butterfly flying about. She was entertained by this butterfly, but has an innate sense to destroy and proceeded to smush that poor poor butterfly. Her dad saw this and exclaimed, “SUSIE!!! Why did you kill that butterfly!? No butter for a month!”
<...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama was destroyed?

It took half the trailer park with it.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

What did Genghis Khan's mother tell him after he destroyed Xi Xia?

Just because you Genghis Khan, doesn't mean you Genghis should.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher always told me, "You should be wary of any kind pride, for it has destroyed so many lives."

He knew what he was talking about, these lions are sure scary as shit.

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