My grandfather destroyed over a hundred German planes during WW2

He was the worst mechanic in the German Airforce.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

The big bang happened 13.8 trillion years ago and since matter can't be created and destroyed and since our body's are made of matter that means all our bodies are all 13.8 trilllion years old.

So in conclusion, no officer, that girl was not underage.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward".

After the robber ...

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve become the very thing I sought to destroy.

A pussy.

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for destroying evidence?"

"Yeah, apparently the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence."

My fence has been destroyed

Looking to replace it but the people at r/repost have terrible advice

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Why is a destroyed entrance cute?

Because it's a-door-rubble.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

When ISIS is finally destroyed...

Historians should start referring to it as "WASWAS".

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

Revenge on a four-year-old child

A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
<...

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed in Ragnarok?

Hela fast

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

My comrades were destroying the brick factory.

I said "Stop, we need the bricks!"

They replied, "That's why we're demolishing it."

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

I was going to make a joke about destroying energy

but it doesn't matter

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

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A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

Some rioters just destroyed a Vietnamese restaurant.

Must've been anti-pho.

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

"I am become death, destroyer of worlds."

-Oppenheimer, moments after learning he was going to have a son.

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(Nsfw)Went to pornhub the other day there was a lot of videos titled "bbc destroys teen"...

I don't know why the British Broadcasting Corporation is destroying the lives of teens..but I for one think it shows lack of journalistic integrity.

Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Did you hear about the guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?

He's on the registered Chex offender list now.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.

Radio transcript.


Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a...

March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

My group of friends and I were getting completely destroyed at a game of charades

These deaf people must be cheating or something

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

I had a brilliant plan to cover my neighbor's farm in plastic to destroy his business, but when I returned from the store with the cellophane, he had already enveloped my farm entirely with Reynolds wrap.

It seems my plot was foiled.

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying the world today?

I don’t know, and I don’t really care,

Little known fact #376: In Norway they have problems with herds of wild horses destroying the delicate eco systems around their narrow inlets.

They plan to start exporting Fjord Mustangs.

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

Creating a drug that destroys mitochondria...

is a waste of energy

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed

nor can it be returned without a receipt.

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Bob and bill are looking over the star destroyer blueprints

"Hey bob, do we need any turrets on the bottom half of this Star Destroyer?"

"What d'you mean Bill?"

"The bottom half. It looks like we have about a dozen of these massive building-sized rotating double-barreled turrets on the top half, but pretty much nothing on the bottom half."
<...

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Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best/worst pick up line

You know there are 8 planets in the solar system but soon there’ll be only 7 after I destroy Uranus

A Sailor is on his first day on a destroyer

and his Superior is giving him tour. They approach a room with a single 55 gallon barrel in the center of it.

“What’s this?” the young Sailor ask.

“Oooh that. Well Sailor, we are out to sea for long periods of time and we have certain needs. So anytime you get the urge you just whip it...

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some vandals destroyed 60% of my firetrucks.

Fuck.

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short, pink mini-dress.

Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working gir...

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

New York City is the archnemises of Introverts

It always seems like it's a creepy introvert that wants to destroy the largest American city.


After 9/11, even Osama Bin Laden escaped to a cave and then a Pakistani stronghold to have his alone time and recharge.


But like any good friendship, that introvert has that one ex...

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

What will the ISIS be called when we eventually destroy them?

WASWAS.

A man can’t decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.

He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.

When the day of his girlfriend’s birt...

How do you destroy the great China wall?

You put some paper on it

A horse walks into a bar.

He orders a shot of whiskey and a beer.

The bartender says “Why the long face?”

The horse replies “My alcoholism is destroying my family.”

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

Religious differences

“I heard you got divorced? What happened?”

“Religious differences destroyed our marriage.”

“Religious differences?”

“Yes, I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.”

Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

Things you should never ask Drax the Destroyer to do for you.

Babysit

I am an ex-demolitionist fired for accidentally destroying five million dollars worth of property. AMA!

Edit: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to blow up!

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?

split them into groups and teach them different religions.

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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