UPJOKE
demolishravagekilldismantleruinuprootdestructbreakeradicatesubvertdevastatespoilvandalizeexterminatewreck

If lysis means to destroy , then..

Analysis is .....

So, when Lindsey Graham said “If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed and we will deserve it,”…..

…he was actually stating a goal.

What did the art museum do when their LEGO exhibit was inadvertently destroyed?

They were distraught, but eventually they picked up the pieces and moved on.

You may have heard a rumor that Everest's first camp was destroyed in an avalanche.

Don't believe it, though. The claim is baseless.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?

Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"

You destroyed my garden? Eh, no worries.

I don’t carrot all.

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

Did you hear Elijah Wood joined the WWE?

I heard he destroyed the ring.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Meet Alexei, the hero who has destroyed over a dozen Russian tanks!

Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

The LEGO Museum was hit by an earthquake.

Many were devastated that nearly all of the brick sculptures were destroyed,

but the staff were able to pick up the pieces and move on.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

Planet Vegeta should've never been destroyed

I'm just Saiyan

What is a naval destroyer?

A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Did you hear about that colony that got destroyed by the tornadoes?

It was very unsettling.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve become the very thing I sought to destroy.

A pussy.

I made a Salad for 23 people to destroy

It was a Caesar salad

A man got arrested for destroying all of the clocks in his neighborhood.

When he was asked why he did such a thing the man replied:
I just wanted to kill some time.

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the deacons met an...

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

Why shouldn’t you ride in an airplane with Ben Shapiro?

Because he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear the one about where a donkey got into a hat store destroying all the hats and the cops had to come and kill it?

It was pretty crazy, dead ass no cap.

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

How can you destroy your relationships with your family?

Adoption papers

I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket.

The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

4 rabbis were golfing...

Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore h...

Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.

One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."

Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."

The third guy said, "You'...

Why can’t you let a politician on a plane?

They keep trying to destroy the other wing.

There has been a devastating fire in russian president Putin's presidential library

Both books were destroyed!

But even worse is that he only finished coloring one of them!

When ISIS is finally destroyed...

Historians should start referring to it as "WASWAS".

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What will the ISIS be called when we eventually destroy them?

WASWAS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

Why is a destroyed entrance cute?

Because it's a-door-rubble.

My fence has been destroyed

Looking to replace it but the people at r/repost have terrible advice

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for destroying evidence?"

"Yeah, apparently the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence."

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

My comrades were destroying the brick factory.

I said "Stop, we need the bricks!"

They replied, "That's why we're demolishing it."

I had a brilliant plan to cover my neighbor's farm in plastic to destroy his business, but when I returned from the store with the cellophane, he had already enveloped my farm entirely with Reynolds wrap.

It seems my plot was foiled.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

If the Big Bang happened 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed, and all of our bodies are made up of matter, that means we are 13.8 billion years old.

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough.

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

I was going to make a joke about destroying energy

but it doesn't matter

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

How do you destroy the great China wall?

You put some paper on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw)Went to pornhub the other day there was a lot of videos titled "bbc destroys teen"...

I don't know why the British Broadcasting Corporation is destroying the lives of teens..but I for one think it shows lack of journalistic integrity.

Some rioters just destroyed a Vietnamese restaurant.

Must've been anti-pho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood?

Not a dam thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

My group of friends and I were getting completely destroyed at a game of charades

These deaf people must be cheating or something

Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying the world today?

I don’t know, and I don’t really care,

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind

How can you get aliens to destroy their own kind?

split them into groups and teach them different religions.

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is this scientist right? And the dudes a fuckin genius. I’m talking different dimension destroying genius aight.

But this guy, THIS FUCKIN GUY, decides “eh, fuck it I’m bored” and he turns himself into the most outrageous thing! Smartass dude turns himself into a pickle! A FUCKIN PICKLE. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

Did you hear about the guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?

He's on the registered Chex offender list now.

I saw a tree move and destroy a car

It seems they use Groot force.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

Matter cannot be created or destroyed

nor can it be returned without a receipt.

What's black and loves to destroy Baltimore?

The Pittsburgh Steelers

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.

The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help

He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.