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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

As I shake the 8 ball I ask it, "Is the party tonight going to be amazing?"

8 Ball: "I'm a pile of cocaine what the hell do you think? "

How does Micheal J Fox make a milkshake?

With only the finest ingredients.

What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

What do you call a body builder with Parkinson’s?

A protein shake

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given t...

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

What lies at the bottom of a sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

Why don't furries shake hands?

It's a faux paw.

Me and Michael J Fox have a hand shake...

he must really like it because he keeps practicing it.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

What do you do if a leper shakes your hand?

You give it back.

The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

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A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

My chihuahua shakes a lot.

Turns out he has **Barkinsons**

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

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What starts with an F and ends with a K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
...

What did the body builder say when he was told protein shakes don't work?

No whey!

What is it a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does with one leg lifted?

Shake hands

What's the difference between a Polaroid picture and a baby?

If you shake the Polaroid it develops faster.

A bodybuilder drops his protein shake

Everyone in the gym shouts "Wheyyyyy"

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

You can wiggle and jiggle, shake and dance

But the last 3 drops are meant for your pants

How do you make a strawberry shake?

You put it in the freezer.

Whenever I shake someone's hand....

I always ask if they're nervous. They usually say no, and then I reply with "Then why are you shaking?"

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Protein shakes are really expensive....

Whey expensive.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I went to shake the old man's hand

But Parkinson's beat me to it

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People like it when girls shake their boobs and butts in public,

but when I spin my penis in a circle, people call me a "Sex offender" and tell me "Don't do that in public parks."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry p...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand

Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.

They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform...

Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.

I wanted my girlfriend to shake what her mother gave her.

So she shook her head.

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....

But I can show you the whey

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How do you reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

I once had a dog, that no matter what I tried to teach him, he only ever learned the the command "shake".

He had Barkinson's disease.

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

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