This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my women like I like my milkshake

Not at all. I’m lactose intolerant and gay

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given t...

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

Why don't furries shake hands?

It's a faux paw.

How does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

With the finest ingredients.

What do you do if a leper shakes your hand?

You give it back.

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

Me and Michael J Fox have a hand shake...

he must really like it because he keeps practicing it.

What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

What lies at the bottom of a sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

My chihuahua shakes a lot.

Turns out he has **Barkinsons**

What's blue and doesn't shake?

A dead epileptic.

How do you make a strawberry shake?

You put it in the freezer!

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

What did the body builder say when he was told protein shakes don't work?

No whey!

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

What is it a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does with one leg lifted?

Shake hands

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with an F and ends with a K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
...

A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.

“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.

“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.

The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

A bodybuilder drops his protein shake

Everyone in the gym shouts "Wheyyyyy"

What's the difference between a Polaroid picture and a baby?

If you shake the Polaroid it develops faster.

Don't shake a baby!

Blend it for better results.

Whenever I shake someone's hand....

I always ask if they're nervous. They usually say no, and then I reply with "Then why are you shaking?"

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

Why didn't Donald Trump shake hands with the Chancellor of Germany?

Because Her hands were bigger than His.

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Protein shakes are really expensive....

Whey expensive.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

I went to shake the old man's hand

But Parkinson's beat me to it

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry p...

I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand

Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...

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One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people wou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school.

“You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

&#x200B;

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”

&#x200B;

The boy is silent and ...

I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....

But I can show you the whey

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of lunatics are on a plane

While in the air, a lot of noise is heard from the cabin and the plane begins to violently shake. The pilot asks the copilot to go into the cabin to see what's wrong. A few minutes later, the copilot comes back into the cockpit.

"The passengers are playing football."

The pilot says "Wh...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

Why do little dogs shake so much?

They have Barkinson's

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq