Wipe Jokes - 65 Hilarious Wipe Jokes

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

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How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

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Wife: Do men wipe after they pee?

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Joke for the blokes! Got sciatica so had to wipe from the front…

…that’s a whole new ball game!

I knew a nun who used to wipe off snot with her sleeves

She had a nasty habit

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her !"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her cheeks...

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

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One ply toilet paper is the John Wayne of -wipe.

Every roll is the same: square, white, two dimensional, but rough as hell and don't take off nobody.

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I wipe my the same way I drive.

Stop on red

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

Always remember, it takes 2 wipes to know you need 3...

But 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great . I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had , I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?

A Soviette

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

A möbius strip walks into a bar, distraught and crying

The bartender says “Oh no, Möbius Strip! Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Pull up a chair and tell me what’s wrong”

The mobius strip sit down, wipes it’s eyes and says “WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!”

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his

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You don't have to wipe your .

It's a planet.

(7-year old contribution)

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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What hand do you use to wipe your bum with?

Really? I use toilet paper.

I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom.

When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.

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I was offered with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

I went to prison for something I didn’t do

I didn’t wipe the fingerprints off the knife

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

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After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an . What did you expect?"

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that ’ smile off your face.”

A plague wiped out every city on earth except for Detroit...

Because in Detroit everyone gets a shot

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "."

The lit...

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

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Wiping your with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

Grocery store aisles have been wiped clean of toilet paper

#nopunintended

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A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your shoes on the mat as you came in?

New Employee: Yes sir.

Boss: We are also very keen on truthfulness. There's no mat.

Do you think Santa wipes from the front or the back?

I don't know, but I bet he checks it twice.

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How does James Hetfield wipe his ?

Back to the front

What did the Spanish cow say to the other cow when it wiped the grass off its rear?

Grassy-

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the .

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

What should you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

What does Vladimir Putin wipe his feet on before he goes in the house?

The Kompromat.

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

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When I was poor I had to use old calendars to wipe my .

Now those days are behind me.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his , but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

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Have you heard about the guy who couldn’t be bothered to wipe his completely?

It was always a half-assed attempt.

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no ”

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?

Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.

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