Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Next step: Do it without binoculars.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

A blind man, a deaf man and your crush.

One doesn't see you

One doesn't hear you

One doesn't like you.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What is it called when your crush has a crush on you

*IMAGINATION*

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

One of my friends works at a can crushing factory

He says it’s soda pressing

Crush: Do you like Ed Sheeran?

"No I only like the shape of you."

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

I hate my job all I do is crush cans

It's soda pressing

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

My Crush: your friend got a girlfriend?

Me: ...and herpes yeah, why?

What do you call it when girl spies on another girl she has a crush on?

Lesbionage

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

I wanted to surprise my crush today by making her breakfast in bed

Hmph. Not even a thank you. All she kept saying was "How the hell did you get inside the house?"

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I thought I had sex with my crush

But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

I was so happy to find out my office crush saw something in me and really wanted me to excel...

...but it turned out all she wanted was a hlookup

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?

Because the sun is really hot!

This gem came from my 8 year old nephew.

Me and my crush asked each other out during chemistry

It was pretty Fe-ic

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

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It was very good feeling, when I was in very bad mood and thinking about all my mistakes, and then my beloved crush came in my room.

Yet I was terrified she escaped my basement third time this month.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor

and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Y...

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead ...

My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

Memory loss (Long)

A man and his wife are growing older, and the doctor tells them their memory isn't that great. He tells them they should start writing things down to remember better. At home, the wife asks for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. She tells her husband to write it down, to which he responds that ...

What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

Told my crush I like girl with glasses

The next day, she invented contact lenses.

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

I think a deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."

Used to this, Peter nodded.

The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to t...

i have a massive crush

i don't think i can drink this all alone, anyone wanna help?

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

I finally got the attention of my crush

But... I’m not sure if I still want that date...

Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!

I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my f...

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

The girl in the Pina Colada song had a crush on JFK

Think about it.

"If you like Pina Coladas" - JFK was a known aficionado of rum drinks.

"And gettin' caught in the rain" - JFK was a Navy man. Fond of water, sea spray, etc. Rain is not a showstopper.

"If you're not into yoga" - JFK had a bad back. Yoga was out.

"If you .....

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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon?

You get a crushed turtle.

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I confessed to my crush

The bitch ratted and now I'm facing 10 years in jail.

I had a crush on my Dietitian

But then i found out she was Vitamin

What’s more crushing than not being able to start your car?

Not being able to stop it

Why was the crushed Pepsi sad?

Because, he was soda pressed.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bar...

My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.

Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother...

Which is great, because she’s from Alabama.

I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My mom believes in them but it ain't gonna happen.

Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

I asked my crush out and she said she didn't like me.

I said, "that's perfect, we have something in common."

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

Ryu wanted to confess to his lady-crush Chun Li....

So he baked some white fudge treacle tarts and put them down on a table. Ken walked up and was like, "ooh, these tarts smell delicious" and he started to pick one up, when Ryu grabbed the whole plate and did a jumping-spinning kick at Ken while yelling "THESE TARTS AREN'T FOR YOU KEN!"

A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom...

She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit.



Next, he wants ...

Today is National ask your crush out day

Today is also Rejection day

What do you call when people try to impress their crush who is high?

Romancing the stoned.

Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up...

Then my lips hit the mirror

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

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A guy has a crush on a girl...

The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner. After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day. Fearing he will not be able to control embarras...

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