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Crush Jokes

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.

My crush told me “come over, no ones home”

I went over, no one was home.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

A boy goes to his father and says dad i have a crush

The father says well great who is it?
The boy says it's our neighbours daughter from across the street
The father goes ooh sorry bud but you can't date that one don't tell your mother but shes actually your sister.
A few days later the some comes back and says father i have another crush...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

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What did Homer say to Bart when he couldn't please his uninterested crush?

You're a simp, son.



(Of course it's bad. I just wanted to get this shit out of my system.)

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was...

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too

Imagination

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A guy has a crush on a girl...

The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner. After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day. Fearing he will not be able to control embarras...

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress?

Am I what, son?

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

What did the beaver say when his crush rejected him?

Dam.

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I had sex with my crush last night.

She was so happy. She said, "You've got the biggest dick among your friends."

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

Where do deer go to meet their celebrity crushes?

Starbucks

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium

Because she is always responding with "K"

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health?

Because it's soda pressing.

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

School Crush Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Cou...

my crush is just like a marshmello

because she is soft, white and everyone put their stick inside of her.

me trying to impress my crush

me:
I heard you like bad guys only
.
.
.
well, I am bad....at everything.

*winks with both eyes*

As I crushed the painkillers...

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Y...

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

The stock market is getting crushed

My calculations indicate I can retire 10 years after I die

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

Man crushed by pile of old books

His wife said he only had his shelf to blame

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

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I told my crush how big my dick is

She said I find that hard to swallow

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.

Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.

Finally, he had to buy tickets...

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My crush invited me over

She said:

\- Come to my house Saturday, my parents are away for the weekend!

There will be nobody there!

So... I went to her house and sure enough...

there was nobody there!

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

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The other day I came across my crush on the street..

Wait, that sounds wrong, let's try that again: the other day I came upon my crush on the street..

No no thats still not right.

The other day I ejaculated on my crush on the street.

My crush married and had 3 kids

Ah, playing hard to get I see

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

What's your YouTuber crush?

Mines the Hydraulic *Press* Channel

(credit: jacksfilms)

What's worse than telling the person that has a crush on you that you only see them as a sibling?

If they incest

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

What do you do when your crush says 'You are like a brother to me.'?

Play Sweet Home Alabama.

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I confessed to my crush

The bitch ratted and now I'm facing 10 years in jail.

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady.

Me: You are bi-den?

i have a massive crush

i don't think i can drink this all alone, anyone wanna help?

My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.

I knew he’d be all right.

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My wife knows I have a crush on Brigitte Bardot

As a special treat she decided to get the letter B tattooed on each of her ass cheeks.

When I came home from work she proudly dropped her trousers, bent over and said "what do you think of this"

All I could think was "who the hell is Bob"

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

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My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

Crushed...

Crush: A feeling of love and admiration for someone, often someone you know you cannot have a relationship with.

Crush: Deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.

::-Very much same

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

I think a deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

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