I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.

It’s soda pressing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

The girl in the Pina Colada song had a crush on JFK

Think about it.

"If you like Pina Coladas" - JFK was a known aficionado of rum drinks.

"And gettin' caught in the rain" - JFK was a Navy man. Fond of water, sea spray, etc. Rain is not a showstopper.

"If you're not into yoga" - JFK had a bad back. Yoga was out.

"If you .....

I just told my crush how I felt and apparently she feels the same.

With her hands

So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I confessed to my crush

The bitch ratted and now I'm facing 10 years in jail.

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

I finally got the attention of my crush

But... I’m not sure if I still want that date...

Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!

I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my f...

Today is National ask your crush out day

Today is also Rejection day

A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Y...

A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom...

She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit.

​

Nex...

Im pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me

Shes giving me all the right signs

My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My mom believes in them but it ain't gonna happen.

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow

I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother...

Which is great, because she’s from Alabama.

What do you call when people try to impress their crush who is high?

Romancing the stoned.

I asked my crush out and she said she didn't like me.

I said, "that's perfect, we have something in common."

Ryu wanted to confess to his lady-crush Chun Li....

So he baked some white fudge treacle tarts and put them down on a table. Ken walked up and was like, "ooh, these tarts smell delicious" and he started to pick one up, when Ryu grabbed the whole plate and did a jumping-spinning kick at Ken while yelling "THESE TARTS AREN'T FOR YOU KEN!"

I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me.

I think I schwepped her right off her feet.

Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up...

Then my lips hit the mirror

Told my crush I like girl with glasses

The next day, she invented contact lenses.

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sent a message to my crush asking if I could send her my dick

She said no and now I have no idea what to do with all these stamps I just bought.

When I was young I remember me and my crush behind the school bins.

Fortunately I didn't get caught disposing of her body.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once got caught masturbating 1.609km from my crush's house.

She saw me cumming from a mile away.

If you have a crush on Neymar, just ask him out.

He'll fall for you easily.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

I think I have a crush on my teacher

Me: I think I have a crush on my teacher

Friend: That's gross

Me: I've heard it's pretty common

Friend: But you're homeschooled

So my crush wants a guy with a phd

And apparently that doesn't mean pretty huge debt

(Me, trying to impress my crush) You're like my will to live

I wish both were with me

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy has a crush on a girl...

The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner. After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day. Fearing he will not be able to control embarras...

My crush is like a coin

Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head

I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, and yesterday I asked her to marry me

Both times she said no

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

My crush finally texted me first

"I'm updating my privacy policy to make it easier for you to understand what information I collect from you. Click here to review my updated privacy policy, effective from June 2018"

My crush said that i am pretty fat. I am not even mad

She called me pretty, after all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I asked my crush what her new years resolution is

She said: "fuck you". You could say I'm pretty excited about 2018

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 35 year old friend was telling me how excited she was that she finally had sex with her high school crush.

Next day she tells me shes bummed cause he asked her to go to prom with him.

My crush and I have a lot in common

One thing is that we both like her but none of us like me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to rece...

Found out my crush likes me back!

I just wish I could post this in literally any other sub.

My Crush and I on our first date, and this happens:

He: You smell good!

Me, being the nervous fool I am: Thanks, *I use both my nostrils. *

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

How did the redneck drug addict get his crush to date him?

It all started with

"I'd be dilaudid to have yew fer dinner"

A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.

Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.

Finally, he had to buy tickets...

Your crush's boyfriend is merely an obstacle, similar to a fence.

You just gotta jump 'em.

Having a crush on someone that don't like you is like peeing on your feet

You feel warm but everyone think it's stupid

Schrodinger's Crush:

Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

I told my crush to text me when she gets home.

She must have been homeless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is this guy who has this major crush on this girl that works at the bar he hangs out at. He would love to talk to her but every time he sees her he gets the biggest boner.

One day he
noticed her behind the bar and quickly sat on a
bar stool. He felt this was the perfect chance
to talk to her knowing that if he got a boner it
would be hidden under the bar top. They get to
talking and he finally asks her out. She said yes
and the man was ecstatic, h...

So I just texted my crush...

So I just texted my crush.

Even after all these years, she thought I was really creepy.

Now, I don't know what to do.

Dear god, can I please go back in time and undo my actions.

Never will I do anything like that again.

Usually, she likes to joke about things,...

Her crush is a solipsist

He's not even sure she exists.

I had a crush on a girl with a lazy eye.....

We never hooked up, she was always seeing someone else.

Did you hear about the guy who had a crush on the Grim Reaper?

I heard he beat it to death.

What's the worst part about having a crush on a Christian girl?

Having to convince two Fathers to let you date her.

TIFU by sleeping with my Crush

Now there's orange soda all over my bed. :(

Crush: My parents aren't home

Me: Don't worry, they'll come back

Having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem.

If you know you can't get it, all you can do is just stare at it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has a crush on his proctologist,..

.. and makes an appointment to see the doctor. The somewhat dismayed doctor, who is wary of the patient's unwanted advances, reluctantly asks the patient to disrobe and lay on the table. The doctor, to his amazement, looks up his ass, and finds one, no TWO, no THREE red roses up in his rectum. As he...

I was going to propose to this girl i have a crush on

But my mom woke me up

One day sister told me she has a crush on Amy Poehler

I think she might be bi-Poehler

Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.

Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customer...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

I finally talked to my crush today

I told her that she smells different when she's awake

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl named Susie....

...was playing outside in the backyard and saw a butterfly flying about. She was entertained by this butterfly, but has an innate sense to destroy and proceeded to smush that poor poor butterfly. Her dad saw this and exclaimed, “SUSIE!!! Why did you kill that butterfly!? No butter for a month!”
<...

I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex.

She decided to sleep on it...at my place.

Eddy and his crush

Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.

Eddy approached his childhood crush. “H...

Man died after crushing against a mirror

Witnesses said: "he saw it coming"

Little Johnny had an accident.

One day, while working on the family farm, Little Johnny fell and badly damaged his left eye. The doctors couldn’t save it, so it was removed.

His family didn’t have the money for a fancy prosthesis, so his dad whittled him a wooden eye, and carefully painted and lacquered it. From a distanc...

In Alabama...

A guy's crush telling him that she likes him like a brother might be good for him.

The recipe said to crush the garlic

So I told it, "You'll never amount to anything!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I admitted to my crush that I have feelings for her, but she told me she's only attracted to assholes

Which is awesome, because now she won't leave mine alone!

Was it worth it?

A boy wanted to take his crush to prom. So one day he decided to ask her. He said, “Will you go to prom with me?” But got no response.

He waited and waited and waited...

Until finally she said yes. So he became excited and started preparing. He bought a tuxedo and asked her what dress...

Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was a...

A man is on a safari

A man is on a safari taking pictures of the wildlife. One day he looks out across the Savannah and sees an elephant bellowing like crazy and rearing up on its hind legs. The man looks through his binoculars and sees that there’s something wrong with the elephant’s foot. He gets closer and looks agai...

Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams cannot crush themselves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LPT: If you're trying to get over a crush just imagine them taking the wettest dump ever.

Unless, of course, you're into that kind of shit.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all....

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Well no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cockroaches are a lot like my dreams.

Everyone wants to crush them.

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...