Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Next step: Do it without binoculars.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

Got a job working in a can crushing factory;

I hate it, it's soda pressing.

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

I finally started dating my high school crush

Too bad I lost my teaching license over it

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

How do you know you have a crush on an archaeologist?

You just dig them

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

What do you call it when girl spies on another girl she has a crush on?

Lesbionage

Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

Did you hear about the bartender who almost got crushed to death at an Irish wedding?

The photographer told all the men to stand next to the one person who made their life worth living.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

My Crush: your friend got a girlfriend?

Me: ...and herpes yeah, why?

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

During IT class my crush told me I was a 10

It was a huge disappointment for me since I always considered myself to be a solid 110

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

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I thought I had sex with my crush

But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend

I was so happy to find out my office crush saw something in me and really wanted me to excel...

...but it turned out all she wanted was a hlookup

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

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I had sex with my crush last night

Having sex with soda hurts. Don’t try

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

I wanted to surprise my crush today by making her breakfast in bed

Hmph. Not even a thank you. All she kept saying was "How the hell did you get inside the house?"

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

Me and my crush asked each other out during chemistry

It was pretty Fe-ic

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

How do you confess to your British crush that works in a bank?

I wanna £ you.

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, ne...

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Y...

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

Guy falls in love with a polish girl

He loves the girl to death. Would do anything to be with her. He asks her to marry him and she says “My family would never allow it since you’re not polish.” Crushed, the man is determined to find a way to be polish to marry the love of his life.

A few days pass and he goes to his doctor and...

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

A man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St. Peter greets him.

He asks St. Peter to let him enter.

**St. Peter**: You can enter only at one condition.

**Man:** What condition my lord?

**St. Peter:** You have to spell one world correctly and only then you can enter.

**Man:** What word?

**St. Peter:** Love!

**Man:** L-O-V...

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

Told my crush I like girl with glasses

The next day, she invented contact lenses.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father

It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother.

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

i have a massive crush

i don't think i can drink this all alone, anyone wanna help?

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

I think a deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

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I confessed to my crush

The bitch ratted and now I'm facing 10 years in jail.

I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor

and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

What’s more crushing than not being able to start your car?

Not being able to stop it

The devotee and the mad elephant

There once was a wise Guru who lived in a temple. He had several devotees who studied under him. Every day, he would teach them things about God and world.

"Guru, where is God?" asked a devotee one day.

"Everywhere, my son," said Guru.

"Everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere. In e...

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

The girl in the Pina Colada song had a crush on JFK

Think about it.

"If you like Pina Coladas" - JFK was a known aficionado of rum drinks.

"And gettin' caught in the rain" - JFK was a Navy man. Fond of water, sea spray, etc. Rain is not a showstopper.

"If you're not into yoga" - JFK had a bad back. Yoga was out.

"If you .....

I had a crush on my Dietitian

But then i found out she was Vitamin

This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother...

Which is great, because she’s from Alabama.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom...

She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit.



Next, he wants ...

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