Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?

It kills the conversation :/

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

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I had sex with my crush last night.

She was so happy. She said, "You've got the biggest dick among your friends."

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I ejaculated 13ft from my bed to my toilet bowl thinking about my first crush earlier.

I thought to myself, 'if only my younger self could see how far I've cum'

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

My crush finally noticed me

I should have picked a tree with more leaves.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My crush said she wanted someone with a stable job

So I became an equestrian.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

I finally started dating my high school crush

Too bad I lost my teaching license over it

I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Next step: Do it without binoculars.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

Today while FaceTiming , my crush stared at me for an hour so I stared back at him .

Turns out his internet connection was very slow and asked me if I had the same problem too .

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

Got a job working in a can crushing factory;

I hate it, it's soda pressing.

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

How do you know you have a crush on an archaeologist?

You just dig them

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

NASA has said that an engineers pet was crushed during Mars Rover testing

Turns out Curiosity did kill the cat.

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

Did you hear about the bartender who almost got crushed to death at an Irish wedding?

The photographer told all the men to stand next to the one person who made their life worth living.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

I convinced my crush to get into a relationship in these times of desperation

She got together with her crush

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

What do you call it when girl spies on another girl she has a crush on?

Lesbionage

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I got my crush a special edition DVD for Valentine's day...

She was so happy she hi fived and hugged me. "That's friends!" my brother smiled as he watched us celebrate then put on the DVD. I said "No, it's love, actually."

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

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I thought I had sex with my crush

But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

A man goes to the Dr for some tests

The next day the Dr calls the man and says "I've got good news and bad news."

The man says "give me the good news first"

"the tests say that you have 24 hours to live."

The man is crush and says "doc that's horrible news. What could be 'bad news' compared to that?"

"I sho...

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

Me and my crush asked each other out during chemistry

It was pretty Fe-ic

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

Asked my daughter to get me a phone book....

She just signed and said, "Yo Gen X, how about keeping up? Just use my iPhone!"

I shrugged, took her iPhone and totally wrecked it when I crushed the spider on the wall...

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

Me: How about you sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that pops up?

My crush: No thanks, I don’t like small talk.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant

Soda cans are really sharp

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

My crush said I'm like a brother to her

Good thing we live in Alabama.

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

A guy and his crush.

A guy and his crush are in a car driving together when he stops the car and turns towards her. The girl asks " what are you doing" the guy goes, "I love you, I've always loved you, would you please be my girlfriend" the girl replies, "I'm sorry, your a great guy but I just don't feel the same way. Y...

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Crushed Scrotum

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was...

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

Here is a demotivating true story from my high school days.

I was obese in high school and there was this really hot girl, I had a huge crush on. During the two years of high school I asked her out around 4 times and every time she gave various reasons why we wouldn't work.

Then on the last day of high school, I...

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league.

Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

I think a deaf person has a crush on me

She's giving all the right signs

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh...

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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