My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

A boy goes to his father and says dad i have a crush

The father says well great who is it?
The boy says it's our neighbours daughter from across the street
The father goes ooh sorry bud but you can't date that one don't tell your mother but shes actually your sister.
A few days later the some comes back and says father i have another crush...

Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

My crush told me “come over, no ones home”

I went over, no one was home.

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Homer say to Bart when he couldn't please his uninterested crush?

You're a simp, son.



(Of course it's bad. I just wanted to get this shit out of my system.)

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

I just told my crush that I'm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother...

I'm just lucky she is from Alabama.

What did the beaver say when his crush rejected him?

Dam.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

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I told my crush how big my dick is

She said I find that hard to swallow

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

My crush came to my work today and I fingered her

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

I asked out my crush in school today

Now I gotta look for a new job

Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory.

It was soda pressing.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

I did it guys, I asked out my crush and she said yes!

Unfortunately my wife got really angry and left me.

It seems my lady doctor has a crush on me and she really likes my fashion sense.

She told me that I have serious healthy shoes.

A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you”

The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting

School Crush Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Cou...

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The other day I came across my crush on the street..

Wait, that sounds wrong, let's try that again: the other day I came upon my crush on the street..

No no thats still not right.

The other day I ejaculated on my crush on the street.

Why didn’t the skeleton ask his crush out?

Because he didn’t have the guts

What do you do when your crush says 'You are like a brother to me.'?

Play Sweet Home Alabama.

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

My crush finally noticed me

I should have picked a tree with more leaves.

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I had sex with my crush last night.

She was so happy. She said, "You've got the biggest dick among your friends."

Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress?

Am I what, son?

The man who loved tractors.

There was a farmer, who absolutely loved his tractors. He collected all kinds of tractors and tractor memorabilia. The only thing he cared more for, was his lovely wife.

One day, he heard his wife make an awful scream out in the fields. He sprinted outside to find her body crushed by a tracto...

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady.

Me: You are bi-den?

What do you call the Scottish boy who's crush chose another boy over him?

Second to Lass

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

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I ejaculated 13ft from my bed to my toilet bowl thinking about my first crush earlier.

I thought to myself, 'if only my younger self could see how far I've cum'

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My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on...

I would be crushed by dimes and have no idea why.

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions: 1. "Would you go out with me?"

2. "Why not?"

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill"

The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave.

The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"

The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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My wife knows I have a crush on Brigitte Bardot

As a special treat she decided to get the letter B tattooed on each of her ass cheeks.

When I came home from work she proudly dropped her trousers, bent over and said "what do you think of this"

All I could think was "who the hell is Bob"

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I’m such a nice guy but my crush would rather move to Africa and date a huge jerk.

Probably some Chad.

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

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Teamster jokes

Why is there a horse on the Teamster logo?
It's the only animal that sleeps standing up.

What do Teamster's kide do at the playground do?
Sit on folding chairs and watch other kids play.

What do you call a Teamster in a 3 piece suit?
Defendant

Two teamsters are standing...

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My crush invited me over

She said:

\- Come to my house Saturday, my parents are away for the weekend!

There will be nobody there!

So... I went to her house and sure enough...

there was nobody there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

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Me texting that girl that i like

Me: nose

Crush: what?

Me: i used my nose to type *nose*

Crush: haha

Crush: penis

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her?

Sheepishly.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

I finally started dating my high school crush

Too bad I lost my teaching license over it

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

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The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

My new Crush is the Corona virus

Now I’ll never get it!

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

I convinced my crush to get into a relationship in these times of desperation

She got together with her crush

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?

Because the sun is really hot!

This gem came from my 8 year old nephew.

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck

Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!

Vendor: Crushed nuts?

Quasi: No, bad back...

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

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