I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

A boy goes to his father and says dad i have a crush

The father says well great who is it?
The boy says it's our neighbours daughter from across the street
The father goes ooh sorry bud but you can't date that one don't tell your mother but shes actually your sister.
A few days later the some comes back and says father i have another crush...

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

I just told my crush that I'm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother...

I'm just lucky she is from Alabama.

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress?

Am I what, son?

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

School Crush Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Cou...

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What did Homer say to Bart when he couldn't please his uninterested crush?

You're a simp, son.



(Of course it's bad. I just wanted to get this shit out of my system.)

My crush told me “come over, no ones home”

I went over, no one was home.

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The other day I came across my crush on the street..

Wait, that sounds wrong, let's try that again: the other day I came upon my crush on the street..

No no thats still not right.

The other day I ejaculated on my crush on the street.

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

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I had sex with my crush last night.

She was so happy. She said, "You've got the biggest dick among your friends."

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

What do you call the Scottish boy who's crush chose another boy over him?

Second to Lass

Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady.

Me: You are bi-den?

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

What do you do when your crush says 'You are like a brother to me.'?

Play Sweet Home Alabama.

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?

It kills the conversation :/

My crush finally noticed me

I should have picked a tree with more leaves.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My friend got crushed in IKEA yesterday when a Billy Bookcase fell on his head. He said he can't sue though.

It was shelf inflicted.

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

Why didn’t the skeleton ask his crush out?

Because he didn’t have the guts

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My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

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My crush keeps telling me my dick size is below average

I just don't understand how someone from my family could be so _mean_

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions: 1. "Would you go out with me?"

2. "Why not?"

My friend told me to get over my crush.

I said I didn’t want to,

I’d rather she got under me.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill"

The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave.

The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"

The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"

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My wife knows I have a crush on Brigitte Bardot

As a special treat she decided to get the letter B tattooed on each of her ass cheeks.

When I came home from work she proudly dropped her trousers, bent over and said "what do you think of this"

All I could think was "who the hell is Bob"

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I’m such a nice guy but my crush would rather move to Africa and date a huge jerk.

Probably some Chad.

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

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My crush invited me over

She said:

\- Come to my house Saturday, my parents are away for the weekend!

There will be nobody there!

So... I went to her house and sure enough...

there was nobody there!

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

England cricket team visited an orphanage in Chennai today

“It is so tragic and heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope! I wish we could do something to help them!”

Said 6 year old Venkatswamy after the crushing defeat of English cricket team

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

My crush said she wanted someone with a stable job

So I became an equestrian.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

My crush married and had 3 kids

Ah, playing hard to get I see

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck

Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!

Vendor: Crushed nuts?

Quasi: No, bad back...

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

I finally started dating my high school crush

Too bad I lost my teaching license over it

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

My crush asked me "What's Up?"

I told her to look down.

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

I heard Tiger Woods has been hitting the gym lately

Been crushing legs

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh...

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter said to him:

"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you d...

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

My new Crush is the Corona virus

Now I’ll never get it!

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

NASA has said that an engineers pet was crushed during Mars Rover testing

Turns out Curiosity did kill the cat.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

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