Talking to my crush is like talking to God

They never respond

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

I just told my crush that I'm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother...

I'm just lucky she is from Alabama.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

A boy goes to his father and says dad i have a crush

The father says well great who is it?
The boy says it's our neighbours daughter from across the street
The father goes ooh sorry bud but you can't date that one don't tell your mother but shes actually your sister.
A few days later the some comes back and says father i have another crush...

Why didn’t the skeleton ask his crush out?

Because he didn’t have the guts

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

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My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

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My crush keeps telling me my dick size is below average

I just don't understand how someone from my family could be so _mean_

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

What do you do when your crush says 'You are like a brother to me.'?

Play Sweet Home Alabama.

Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions: 1. "Would you go out with me?"

2. "Why not?"

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill"

The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave.

The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"

The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?

It kills the conversation :/

My crush finally noticed me

I should have picked a tree with more leaves.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

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I had sex with my crush last night.

She was so happy. She said, "You've got the biggest dick among your friends."

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

My crush said she wanted someone with a stable job

So I became an equestrian.

I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Next step: Do it without binoculars.

Everybody knows about my secret crush!

To avoid electronic traces or recognition of my hand writing I used a medieval-style printing machine with letters and ink to print love letters to my secret crush.

Unfortunately I slipped one day and slammed my face into the machine.

Now everybody knows about my secret crush; it’s wri...

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My wife knows I have a crush on Brigitte Bardot

As a special treat she decided to get the letter B tattooed on each of her ass cheeks.

When I came home from work she proudly dropped her trousers, bent over and said "what do you think of this"

All I could think was "who the hell is Bob"

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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I’m such a nice guy but my crush would rather move to Africa and date a huge jerk.

Probably some Chad.

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

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My crush invited me over

She said:

\- Come to my house Saturday, my parents are away for the weekend!

There will be nobody there!

So... I went to her house and sure enough...

there was nobody there!

Thanks to a comedian friend's advise, today I finally mustered up the courage to have a conversation with my crush.

So happy, I think it went exactly as he had advised: ended on a hi.

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Why did the crushed Pepsi kill himself

He was soda pressed

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

My crush gave me her phone number!!

I didn’t know she works at the Rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

I finally started dating my high school crush

Too bad I lost my teaching license over it

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

How do you know you have a crush on an archaeologist?

You just dig them

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

Got a job working in a can crushing factory;

I hate it, it's soda pressing.

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

To my crush, I gave you my heart

But then realised you need a brain.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

My crush told me that she's likes me, she wants to go out with me and wants to get know me better...

Then she said "Sike"......

NASA has said that an engineers pet was crushed during Mars Rover testing

Turns out Curiosity did kill the cat.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

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A soldier, a Marine, and an airman are getting ready for bed one night.

The soldier opens his tent and sees a scorpion crawling on the floor. Unfazed, he crushes the scorpion, crawls into bed, and falls asleep.

The Marine opens his tent and he too finds a scorpion. He quickly draws his knife, removes the scorpion's stinger, and swallows it whole. Satisfied with h...

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

My crush used to call me a math nerd.

I was 2² to ask her out.

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes

And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected

I convinced my crush to get into a relationship in these times of desperation

She got together with her crush

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

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I went to see a gypsy women to have my future told

As we were looking in the crystal ball she said solemnly, "it seems you won't be able to have children" at this I got up to leave and the crystal ball rolled of the table and crushed my testicles.

My crush said she only likes bad boys.

Well lucky for me, I'm bad at everything I do.

I heard that my crush likes jokes so I tried to tell one

Me: What shows do ducks like?

Her: What?

Me: Duck-umentries

Her: Duck off


Never gonna trust any ducking rumor again.

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

Me and my crush have one thing in common.

We both like woman and think im ugly.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

My crush was dared to ask me out

So she asked me to leave

I got my crush a special edition DVD for Valentine's day...

She was so happy she hi fived and hugged me. "That's friends!" my brother smiled as he watched us celebrate then put on the DVD. I said "No, it's love, actually."

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

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I thought I had sex with my crush

But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

I have a crush on my teacher AND on the girl sitting next to me

It's getting so bad, I may fail out of home school.

My crush gave me a special wink!

She used both eyes.

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

So my crush is an otaku and a math nerd, so I asked her to notice me

Sin pi

An old man owned a dolphin

A few kids went to the old man and asked

"Why do you own a dolphin?"

The old man smiled and said

"When I was younger my dreams were crushed so I bought a dolphin."

He smiled.

"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

A redditor walks into a bar..

The owner says "what can I get for you?"

the reddit user immediately turns around and leaves due to his crushing anxiety.

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

A boy has a crush on a girl at his school. He sees that a dance is coming up soon so he decides to ask her to the dance.

Shes says yes, so he decides he should get some flowers for her. He goes to the flower shop and there is a huge line. He waits and waits for almost and hour, he eventually gets to the front and buys some roses for her. He then decides it would be a good idea to get a limo. He goes to the limo rental...

A seagull meets a turtle in heaven

"So how did you die?" the seagull asks.

"Choked on some plastic." The turtle replies, "What about you?"

"I got crushed by a large hunk of plastic."

"Damn, never knew the Kardashians were so heavy..."

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

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