Why did the Catholic chef sanitize his crucifix while preparing Sunday brunch?

To prevent cross-contamination.

Why can’t republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

"Sorry for the smell, it's hand sanitizer."

"Don't worry, I haven't
been able to smell stuff
for a couple of days
now."

Hand sanitizer manufacturers

must be rubbing their hands together

My British friend got a job making hand sanitizer

He said it's Purell

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket?

Or are you just happy to be within six feet of me?

What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?

One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

DIY Hand Sanitizer

If you mix Tabasco in you hand sanitizer it will not only kill germs but also teach not to touch your face and eyes.

Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer?

Because it protects the 0.01%

A gentleman went to the shoe store.

A gentleman went to the shoe store. The shopkeeper first sanitized his feet well. Then washed by rubbing with water. Then cleaned it thoroughly with towel and put on the shoe.
Gentleman liked the shoe, he paid the price and started walking from the shop.
The shopkeeper asked him: "What else ...

Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!

Regards,
%0.000001 germ

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint.

So much for a clean getaway.

I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's everyone walking around like they're hatching an evil plan.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

A guy walks into a cab and...

asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.

I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.

He said “Are you done? Cu...

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

The W.H.O. have just put an eminent German Doctor in charge of their pandemic response..

He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

[NSFW] Got sent home from work today...

Apparently, " Give me your cummies, daddy." Is not the work appropriate response to being offered hand sanitizer.

Love in the time of Coronavirus

I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."

She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

Coronavirus - Made in China

And so is the the hand sanitizer you will use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

Home Remedies

Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer, my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!

Guy at party: “So, what do you do for a living?”

Me: “I sanitize raunchy songs for Kidz Bop. You may know some of my best work, such as N.W.A.’s “Find tha Police”, Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer (I wanna pet you like an animal)”, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby got Backpack”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

I always wanted to spend money lavishly.

Never thought it'd be on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...

Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?

Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

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