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Rid Jokes

How do you get rid of unwanted fat?

Throw a chocolate bar in the opposite direction.

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.



I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

So this guy decides to get rid of his accordion.

He parks on a busy street and leaves it in plain view in the back seat with the doors unlocked. As he walks off to do some shopping he envisions someone opening the door and taking off with it.

He returns after a few hours to see his window smashed and a second accordion in the back seat.

How do I get rid of my ‘Check Engine’ light on my dash?

I opened the hood and it’s all there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

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I just got rid of all my shit

I didn't think I had it in me.

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

How do you get rid of one?

Add a G and it's gone.

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

Smoking pot

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.



She said if I did she was going to leave me.



That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

How do you get rid of a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

What's the difference between herpes and news about the British royal family?

It's easier to get rid of herpes.

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I ...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

Talking dog for sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables?

Because they were short staffed…

What do you call an alien you can't get rid of?

A Klingon

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

How do you get rid of a friend you don't really like?

Loan them some money, you'll never see them again!

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

How do you get rid of a dead chemist?

Barium

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

There was a man who was in love with tractors

He really loved his tractors, he had tractor posters on his walls, dvds about tractors, he owned a lot of tractors…this man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors, his lovely wife. One day she was out in the fields and she got crushed by a tractor, she was squ...

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

I got a new garbage can.

But now, I can’t get rid of my old one.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

Vinny gets pulled over for speeding on the Jersey Turnpike...

And the cop asks him for his license and registration. Now Vinny wants to get rid of the cop as fast as possible being that he's got a dead "canary" in the trunk. As he passes his wallet, he drops a $50 bill on the ground.

"I'm sorry officer was that your fifty or mine?"

The cop hands ...

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

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Children are like herpes

The stranger at the bar doesn't tell you they have them until it's too late, they wreck your wife's pussy, you dread going out in public with them, and when you think you're finally rid of them, they come back.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

NSFW How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

Spit it out.

Rich guy is trying to get rid of his wife and asks a friend for advice

\- "Buy her a Mercedes Roadster - she's a bad driver and will surely crash."

He does so and wife totals the car but gets out without a scratch.

\- "Buy her a BWM M3"

She indeed crashes a few days later, but again without a scratch.

\- "Buy a Jaguar"

Two days later ...

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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