A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

How do you get rid of a friend you don't really like?

Loan them some money, you'll never see them again!

What do you call an alien you can't get rid of?

A Klingon

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

How do you get rid of a dead chemist?

Barium

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

One evening, Vlad Putin was very upset.... His aid walks up to him - and asks what's wrong ?

Putin : We need to get rid of these time zones..

Aid: Why Sir ? These time zones keep all of us sane..

Putin: No.. get rid of them.. we need one time for all of us..

Aid: Sir, may I ask why ?

Putin: Do you know about the crash, the helicopter that was carrying the Ukraine...

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals.

So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am"...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

Jim the hunchback is sitting in the pub.....

he's having a pint with his mate Bob who has a club foot. After a lengthy session, Jim decides it's time to head home and says goodbye to Bob. It's already quite late, so Jim decides to take a shortcut home through the cemetery. As he's waking through, suddenly a figure appears from behind a tombst...

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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Young man in a bar

Asks the bartender for "6 shots of Jager."
The bartender happily pours the shots and asks, "are you celebrating anything?"
The young man responds, "yeah my first blow job." Excited the bartender pours a 7th shot and says, "here have one on the house."
The young man shakes his head and says,...

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

Mothballs

A small town guy comes into a pharmacy and asks the guy at the counter:

"What do you have to get rid of the darn moths?"

The pharmacist sells him a pack of mothballs.

A day later he comes in and asks for fifty packs.

"Why do you need so many?" asks the pharmacist

-...

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

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A man cheats with a married woman...

... and they are right in the middle of the act when suddenly they hear the front door opening.

"Quick hide in the bathroom", she says. Desperate but without a better idea he runs to bathroom naked.

The husband enters the bedroom and sees his wife naked in the bed.

"Honey, what...

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

Downsizing

I was moving books off of a shelf with my wife. In an effort to help our downsizing and cleaning efforts, I asked her if she had read the book Fahrenheit 451. Apparently not hearing me, she muttered “damn I better get rid of these books.” Understanding her carefully worded cue that she had read it, ...

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

Why did Britain change its name to Brian?

Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

NASCAR got rid of the confederate flag from race tracks

Another true end to race wars.

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

Imagine getting rid of COVID 19..

and then China releases COVID 20 Pro Max

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

What’s the difference between a circumcision and a divorce?

In a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

If you wanted to get rid of every congressman except for McConnell...

...you’d have 99 problems and a Mitch ain’t one.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

Gravity is really important as a fundamental force of nature.

But if you get rid of it you get gravy.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

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