I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

My boss managed to get rid of 200lbs of ugly fat

He fired me

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach...”

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

He was so happy that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper headline read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATC...

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

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What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob calls a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis" the doctor tol...

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

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The Knob

One day Betty, who has had many cosmetic surgeries over the years is visiting her plastic surgeon.

He says, hey, there's a new device I wanted to tell you about. It's called 'the knob'. What it is, is a flat little knob that we'll fit to the back of your head, under your hair. Any time your ...

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife

He pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up,...

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I was talking to my wife. (NSFW)

She said to me, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” 
I replied, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”

My wife asked me why I’m always on the boat and I don’t spend time with her?

I told her she may be old but she is always wet and ready to go. And if anything goes wrong I can get rid of her for a new one. Lastly, if we get crabs together it’s a good thing.

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

I'm not racist, but...

If I could put an end to any race on the entire planet, I'd get rid of the marathon.

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

THE WIFE-HATER

"A wife-hater is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died. When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

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(NSFW)

A man walks into a bar and orders five beers. The bartender asks if he had something to celebrate. The man replies, "Well, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says, "Congratulations, here, have the sixth beer on the house!" to which the man replies, "Nah don't bother, if I can't get rid of t...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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A monk goes to see his abbot with a bucket full of cum

'Father, I have a problem. I succumbed to the sin of masturbation and now find myself with a bucket full of cum and I don't know how to get rid of it.'

The abbot shames him for his sin but insures that he will help him. He takes the bucket and presses the monk to tell absolutely no one.
<...

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

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A Man is Celebrating His First Blowjob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want six shots of tequila,” responded the young man. “Six shots? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.” “No offence, sir, b...

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

Which rocket is best for getting rid of people?

Dis Missle

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

What do my ex-boyfriend and genital warts have in common?

They're both embarrassing to talk about and difficult to get rid of

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over…

…He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting a old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any gators around here?” “naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!” Feeling safe, the tour...

I got rid of all unhealthy food in my house.

It was delicious.

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A guy develops a dark spot on his forehead.

He goes to the doctor. The doctor looks and says:
“I’ve read about this before. In a month you’ll have a full sized penis growing out of your forehead.”
The man’s eyes go wide and he says:
“Well then operate! Get rid of it!”
The doctor shakes his head. “It’s connected to your brain. If I...

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

My friend just told me that reddit is for loners....

Anyways, I have a question, if I have a body that I want to get rid off, what should I do with it? (Asking for a friend).

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

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I'll be the first to admit I don't eat enough vegetables.

I just can't be arsed getting rid of the wheelchairs.

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened t...

A basketball player, a Mexican, and a terrorist are all on a plane. Long

The plane is going super slow so they all got rid of some weight. The basketball player said, "I have a ton of basketballs, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The Mexican said, "I have a ton of tacos, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The terrorist said, "I h...

Need to get rid of some of your junk?

Pack it up in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front porch.

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

There once was an Australian Aboriginal

He bought a new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one.

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

First post please be nice

And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea pot and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some ch...

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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