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Rid Jokes

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

A Man Hates His Wife's Cat, So He Decides To Get Rid Of It

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

What do you drink to get rid of a hard on?

Any soft drink will do

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

How do I get rid of my ‘Check Engine’ light on my dash?

I opened the hood and it’s all there

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?

They write a cease and de-cyst.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

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I just got rid of all my shit

I didn't think I had it in me.

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

How do you get rid of one?

Add a G and it's gone.

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.



I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

How do you get rid of a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

How do you get rid of mosquitos?

Call the SWAT team.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium

Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables?

Because they were short staffed…

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner collection today.

It was just collecting dust.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

Doctor: We got rid of the tumor

Dad: Can I see my son now?

Doctor: I told you, we got rid of the tumor

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

If the US got rid of pennies

it would be a decent country

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

Which rocket is best for getting rid of people?

Dis Missle

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I have decided to get rid of Google and Wikipedia:

I will just ask my wife, she fucking knows everything.

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

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How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."

So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for...

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

If you wanted to get rid of every congressman except for McConnell...

...you’d have 99 problems and a Mitch ain’t one.

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

How do you get rid of Al-Qaeda?

Give the goats STD's

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

How can we get rid of the Electoral College?

Put Jane Sanders in charge of it.

Facebook is getting rid of engagement bait

Guess I can't go phishing anymore.

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

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Little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest...

So little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest on the way to grandma's house. She see's some nice flowers and goes to pick them. There she see's the wolf's feet.

"oh my Mr. wolf, what big feet you have"

Wolf just grumbles something and walks away.

Little red just k...

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

How do you get rid of itch?

Start from scratch.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

Little Johny wanted to get rid of his cat...

Little Johny was bored of his cat so he takes the cat 5 blocks away from his house and drops it off. When he gets home he sees that the cat is there for him.

Little Johny picks up the cat and takes it 15 blocks away and drops it off and begins to walk home. Once he gets home the cat is there ...

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I ...

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

What shape gets rid of curses?

A hexagon

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

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