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I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector.

It kept giving off a high pitched whine that made me feel nauseous and dizzy.

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

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I just got rid of all my shit

I didn't think I had it in me.

How do I get rid of my ‘Check Engine’ light on my dash?

I opened the hood and it’s all there

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

How do you get rid of one?

Add a G and it's gone.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was Bach, Bach, Bach…

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables?

Because they were short staffed…

How do you get rid of a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I ...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

How do you get rid of a friend you don't really like?

Loan them some money, you'll never see them again!

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

What do you call an alien you can't get rid of?

A Klingon

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

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Children are like herpes

The stranger at the bar doesn't tell you they have them until it's too late, they wreck your wife's pussy, you dread going out in public with them, and when you think you're finally rid of them, they come back.

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

How do you get rid of a dead chemist?

Barium

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

My uncle was moving from his farm to an appartment....

He had to get rid of all the animals, but he said he could not part with his 2 goats. So i asked him: 'But where are you going to keep them? There is no garden at all!'.
'Well, we have a balcony, they can be there in the summertime', he said.
'Ok, but in the wintertime, what then?' I asked...<...

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

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An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephant’s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephant’s head, as th...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

Rich guy is trying to get rid of his wife and asks a friend for advice

\- "Buy her a Mercedes Roadster - she's a bad driver and will surely crash."

He does so and wife totals the car but gets out without a scratch.

\- "Buy her a BWM M3"

She indeed crashes a few days later, but again without a scratch.

\- "Buy a Jaguar"

Two days later ...

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The good brother

A farmer and his wife are sitting out on the porch at the end of the day.

After a couple shots of moonshine, the farmer reaches over and grabs his wife's tit and says,"You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

The wife reaches over, grabs the farmer's dick and sa...

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

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Doctor, you have to help me.

I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.

My God, that's horrible. Clearly you need help. Don't worry, with therapy I'm sure we can rid you of this awful impulse.

Thank you, doctor. I don't know what might have happened. If I fin...

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

If you wanted to get rid of every congressman except for McConnell...

...you’d have 99 problems and a Mitch ain’t one.

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

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Young man in a bar

Asks the bartender for "6 shots of Jager."
The bartender happily pours the shots and asks, "are you celebrating anything?"
The young man responds, "yeah my first blow job." Excited the bartender pours a 7th shot and says, "here have one on the house."
The young man shakes his head and says,...

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

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