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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

My landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat...

he evicted me!

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach...”

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

NASCAR got rid of the confederate flag from race tracks

Another true end to race wars.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

Imagine getting rid of COVID 19..

and then China releases COVID 20 Pro Max

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

It”s morning somewhere

Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Co...

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

A guy was asked this question.

Host: YOU & YOUR FAMILY ARE CARRYING 50 KG OF GOLD FROM DUBAI IN A BOAT. IMBALANCED DUE TO EXCESS WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE WEIGHT TO BALANCE IT

AFTER 50 MILES, THE BOAT SUDDENLY GETS

THERE ARE 4 PEOPLE..

YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FUTURE LIFE PARTNER & ...

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

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What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

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Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down.

I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.



My fucking wife knows everything.

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

I used to have a great body...

Had to get rid of it when the police started snooping around.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

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A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

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A guy is out with his mistress when his wife shows up

He turns to his buddy and says, "Oh, shit, that's my wife! Can you get rid of her before she notices us?"

"I got you, buddy," says his friend.

The guy tries to hide, only to see that his mother has arrived too. When his buddy comes back, he says, "Oh, shit, that's my mom! Can you get r...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The next day the local paper read: "PRIESTS ASS OUT FRONT".

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the ...

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

What’s the difference between a left-wing extremist, and a right-wing extremist?

One wants to get rid of your opinion because it infringes on their rights, the other wants to get rid of your rights because it infringes on their opinion.

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

If you wanted to get rid of every congressman except for McConnell...

...you’d have 99 problems and a Mitch ain’t one.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

A man walks into a tiny hardware store

looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, “Is this any good for wasps?” Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. “No.“ he rep...

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

An old Ukrainian joke: How do you get a new, uncorrupt parliament?

First of all, we get rid of the old one. All of them get the boot.

We announce a new election. We elect 450 new deputies and then we hang them all.

Finally, we announce another election, get ourselves new, fresh 450 deputies and we hang them all.

Now, after the 4th or 5th elect...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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I was talking to my wife. (NSFW)

She said to me, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” 
I replied, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”

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A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house?

Coz he got rid of all his hose.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

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Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob calls a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis" the doctor tol...

I'm not racist, but...

If I could put an end to any race on the entire planet, I'd get rid of the marathon.

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

Which rocket is best for getting rid of people?

Dis Missle

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The Knob

One day Betty, who has had many cosmetic surgeries over the years is visiting her plastic surgeon.

He says, hey, there's a new device I wanted to tell you about. It's called 'the knob'. What it is, is a flat little knob that we'll fit to the back of your head, under your hair. Any time your ...

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

My wife asked me why I’m always on the boat and I don’t spend time with her?

I told her she may be old but she is always wet and ready to go. And if anything goes wrong I can get rid of her for a new one. Lastly, if we get crabs together it’s a good thing.

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

How did the maffioso get rid of his heroin addiction?

He met a Don

If the US got rid of pennies

it would be a decent country

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

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(NSFW)

A man walks into a bar and orders five beers. The bartender asks if he had something to celebrate. The man replies, "Well, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says, "Congratulations, here, have the sixth beer on the house!" to which the man replies, "Nah don't bother, if I can't get rid of t...

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

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Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

THE WIFE-HATER

"A wife-hater is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died. When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

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