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OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

I just thought of a new show to get rid of annoying celebrities.

Whose Lion is it anyway?

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

Food for thought

Whenever you blow a dandelion, you actually give it a bj since you help it to get rid of its seeds

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

Music is like candy...

It's great once you get rid of the rapper.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

Imagine getting rid of COVID 19..

and then China releases COVID 20 Pro Max

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A cat goes to the other animals at the barn with news from the house. (Long)

"My fellow animals, I heard that there's going to be a huge party this Saturday and they're going to slaughter you Cow."

The animals all gasp and start consoling Cow that everything is going to be alright.

Chicken, the bully, on the other hand is laughing hysterically. "Finally, we'll ...

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

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What do therapist and anarchists have in common?

They both want to help landlords get rid of their complexes.

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

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A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

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A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

A wife and a husband are sitting at the kitchen table

wife: if I died, would you remarry?

Husband: don't talk about that kind of thing!

the next day they are on their afternoon stroll and the wife asks the same question.

Husband: stop asking that!

That night, they are in bed, and she asks again.

husband: Fine! i suppo...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

Which rocket is best for getting rid of people?

Dis Missle

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

What's the no. 1 way to get rid of a movie?

Death by a thousand cuts

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

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