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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie

The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.

The man says, "I want a new car"

The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.

The man says, "I want a new house"

The geni...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they got no balls to scratch.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

Volcanic eruptions are just the earth rubbing one out

If you catch my continental drift. (;

How do i rub one out in my pants?

its a subtle art and i cant seem to grasp it

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

I rubbed some ketchup into my eyes.

Now that I have Heinzsight, maybe I shouldn't have done that.

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

A teacher goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

The lamb gives her a weird look and runs away.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

Some dude just rubbed me down with cocoa powder, espresso, and mascarpone cheese...

Turns out he was a tiramassuse

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”

The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

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What did the horny frog say?

Rubbit.

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One day a man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out

"I'm gay" said the genie

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager on the phone hesitated. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked his newly-hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice.

"I'm s...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i’ve got Heinz sight

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

Two guys were on a golf course playing a couple rounds when one turns to the other and says "Hey man, do you have a lighter?" the other guy opens up a compartment on his golf bag and says "Yeah, here you go." and hands the first guy this giant lighter.

The first guy says "Man that's a huge lighter, where'd you get this?" the other guy says "Oh, well, there's this genie lamp I found, rubbed it, genie came out, and said he'd grant me one wish." The first guy says "Wow, that's crazy, do you still have the lamp?" The other guy opens up another compart...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

When I was a wee child, I once found a lamp on the beach

I rubbed it, and out popped a gigantic blue man, who said I had three wishes.



I looked at him and said, "three wishes you say?"



He said yes.



"I wish I knew what to ask for."



"Your wish is granted!"



Poof! I had an idea, but th...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

he priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poo...

i found a magical lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "i grant you only one wish, use it wisely"

i said "ok,i want unlimited wishes".

then we started arguing with the genie, genie claimed he accepts only one wish and this wish is unacceptable and in contradiction with the original grant.

so i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do whatever i like".
it was...

A man walks up to a bald guy in a bar, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind."

The bald guy reaches up and rubs his head. "Wow. You're right." he replies.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

There's your problem!

The Little Guy was talking to the Big Guy.

LG: Big Guy, how'd you get to be so big?

BG: Well, every night I rub oil ALLLLL over my body!

LG: I'll have to try that!

Two weeks later, they met up again.

LG: Big Guy, tell me again how you got to be so big?

BG: W...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

A rabbi had worked for many years as a mohel performing circumcisions...

He collected all the foreskins he had cut over his career and brought them to a leather maker after he retired.

He brings the foreskins to the best leather maker in town and says “Make me whatever you can with these.” Surprised but undaunted, the leather maker says “Okay, come back in a week ...

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

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Sex Tower

John, Mac and Randy decided to join a sex competition.

"All you have to do", Said the Commentator sitting at the top of a 10 story building, "is have sex with all the girls in each floor whoever gets to the biggest number, wins the prize . "

John, the skinniest of all, decides to go...

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A guy walks into a bar

With a parrot welded to one of his shoulders and a leprechaun sitting on the other.


He says to the bartender I'll have a larger for me, an orange juice for the parrot and he winces as he asks the leprechaun "what do you want?"

The leprechaun says "I want a pint of fuckin whishkey...

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

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Baby’s first check-up

A woman and a baby were sitting in a doctor’s examination room patiently waiting for the doctor to come give the baby his first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned asked if he was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed” she re...

What do you get when you rub two oranges together owned by Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Friction.

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After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening (NSFW)

The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of viagra.



The next day, he returns.

"I think I need your help again" he says to the ph...

How do you get out of a room with impossibly high walls id all you have is a peice of wood?

First you rub the wood on your arm to create a sore. Then you use the saw to cut the wood in half. You stick the wood together again to get a whole. And you crawl out of the hole to freedom!

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

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The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have ...

A man walk into a bar with a bag

The bartender says: “what’s in there”
The man replies: “I can’t tell you”
This continues for a while but the man never tells the bartender.

Eventually, the bartender says: “If you show me, I’ll give you a free drink”
“Ok”, the man replies and opens the bag. He takes out a tiny man an...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub.

I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

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A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.”
Genie: “Can I see th...

A man rubs a magic lamp and a Genie pops out.

Genie: You have one wish, but there's three rules. I can't kill anyone, I can't make people fall in love and can't bring anyone back from the dead.

Man: I want socialism to work.

Genie: There's four rules.

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

Retiring Dr.

A doctor who delivered thousands of babies over his career is finally retiring. He had an odd habit but whenever he circumcised a baby boy he would throw the foreskin in a large gallon jar of formaldehyde. As he is cleaning out his office there sits this large Jar and he begins to think "What can I...

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The always makes me laugh

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." ...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Rubbing it just ain't the same

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife." The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?" The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other." The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putt...

A man gets onto a greyhound bus...

...as he’s making his way to the back he notices an old man rotating his shoulder. “Excuse me” he says “are you alright?”

“Yes” says the old man... “this here’s from the war”.

As he continues making his way down he sees another old man jiggling his leg. “What’s this about”? He asks....

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

I can't be bothered to rub my magic lamp myself.

I think I'll get a lad in

People say I'm overreacting about guys rubbing me in the bus, that it's probably just crowded but last time it happened it was just me and him

And he supposed to be driving.

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

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I’m trying to spice up my sex life

So I started rubbing myself with oregano

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

The tunnel

An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks ‘I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him’

The young woma...

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Three men are stranded on the desert, under the scorching sun they see a shining light in the distance

To their surprise it's a genie lamp.

Desperate as they are all three rub the lamp at the same time.

A genie comes out and says: "Oh-ho! You've awaken me and as thanks I will grant 1 wish to each of you, just jump over these rocks and say what your want as you jump and a pile of what y...

Me: Rubs the lamp trelease the geniel

Genie: i shall grant you three
wishes

Me: i wish for a world without
lawyers

Genie: done, you have no more
wishes

Me: but you said three

Genie: sue me

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A black man is lost in the desert and is about to die.

Suddenly, he sees a shiny object in the sand. He gets close, and realizes that it’s a magic lamp!

He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

“I’m an almighty genie” he says.
“I shall grant you any three wishes”

The man thinks about it for a while, then he says:
“I want to be wh...

The ending to Pinocchio’s story.

He rubbed one out and caught himself self on fire.

My mother owned a massage company, and I took her place once she retired.

I guess it rubbed off on me.

A guy is walking on a beach when he finds a genie lamp..

He rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.

The Genie says, "Thank you for releasing me. I will grant you one wish."

The guy doesn't hesitate.."I want to be world famous! I want my name in lights in every theater around the world!"

"Done!", says the Genie.."Your name is now EXIT."

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An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
...

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Sara and Billy were walking through a forest

when they found a Jinn. They rubbed his belly and suddenly out popped a lamp.

Jinn- Brilliant, this shist's been buggering me for bloody ages. To show my gratitude I'll grant you each one wish.

Sara- I want to be rich.

Jinn- No problems.

Rich- Thanks.

Billy- I want...

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A co-worker was rubbing his eye...

I asked him what the problem was.

He said I got shit in my eye

So I told him to pull his head out of his ass.

(True story)

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

Guy: *rubs lamp*

Genie: \*appears\*

Genie: You have one wish

Guy: I wish I had the ability to switch between normal vision and vision that allows me to see all the people who want to have s\*\* with me

Genie: Congratulations, you now have the ability to close your eyes

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (a...

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

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I just walked in to the pub and rubbed Viagra in my eyes

I did it to make me look hard

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I visited my sick grandfather the other day to rub butter all over his back...

... after that he went down hill really quickly

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

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What do you call a sexist back rub?

massage-ony

A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?'

Man says 2quid

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be...

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Magic Toiletpaper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet p...

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Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

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