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Rub Jokes

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When people rub your pregnant girl’s stomach and say congrats

But nobody tickles your balls and say well done

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.

She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.”

She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.”

Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

How did Pinocchio die?

He forgot he was a wooden boy and burned to ashes after rubbing one out.

The man with an orange for a head

A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in.

The man has an orange for a head. Perfectly normal body up to the neck, then just a massive orange instead of a head.

The bartender serves the man and says "I hope you don't mind me asking you mate, but ... what h...

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"


The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

i rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out of it

he said i'll grant you one wish, i said i wish i could talk to cheese

*poof* he granted my wish and disappeared

a few days later i'm in my house, and i open the fridge out of boredom and i see this block of cheese

and it said to me: "hey mister, i don't wanna stay in your fridge...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

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Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Coz they've no balls to scratch

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A man was lost in the desert...

He hadn't eaten or drank for 3 days and was close to giving up.

He sees what looks like an Eskimo coming towards him. He rubs his eyes, sure that he's hallucinating but as they get closer, it still looks like an Eskimo!

The man asks the Eskimo 'can you help me, I'm lost?'

Th...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine.

No congestion for hours!

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A good attitude has a way of rubbing off on people.

Just like a public masturbator.

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Beer flavoured Lube that is 6.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

There's something about that overly altruistic leg amputee that just rubs me the wrong way.

He's a real goody one-shoe.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

Do you think i should get breast implants ?

Nah

Just rub some toilet paper on ‘em

Do you think it will help?

It did wonders for your ass

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

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Two guys are out on a boat in the middle of a lake.

One guy takes out a cigar and asks the other if he has a lighter on him.
His friend pulls out one of those long lighters and passes it to him.
He says “wow that’s quite a lighter you keep on you.”
His friend responds, “yeah I got it from a genie.”
“A genie?” He asks, “you really have a g...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her naked, rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and mo...

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Yardwork

A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “Boy I’m cooked. I’m gonna go inside and clean up.”

The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs to the...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie

The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.

The man says, "I want a new car"

The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.

The man says, "I want a new house"

The geni...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

How do unborn chickens feel when you rub them on the carpet?

Egg-static!

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

A man went into the church for a confession

Man: 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

Priest: 'What do you mean, almost?

Man: 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!'

Priest: 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail...

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

What do you get if you rub an eggplant?

A little aubergenie

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.”

The man says, “Ok, I wish to not die a virgin.”

The genie replies, “I already told you, no wishing for immorta...

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

The doctor said, "To address the inflammation, try rubbing your joints."

I'd rather just use a lighter.

I saw someone rubbing an American coin with a Canadian coin, hoping they would conceive.

I thought to myself, "That doesn't make cents..."

A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.

She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her the following wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me
- I want to be the only one in his life
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he gra...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

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A barber walking on a beach finds a golden lump and decides to give it a rub.

A genie pops out, opens its mouth as though to speak, and then sees what the barber is holding.

"You can fuck right off," it says instead. "I'm not falling for that Reddit post title shit again."

Why are genies always male?

Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamps never know how to rub it just right.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah.

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah, one from each state. In the trail ahead they see a shining object so the cowboy from Utah jumps off his horse excitedly and picks it up. He has found a genie's lamp so he gives it a rub and the genie pops out. The genie says, "Since th...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

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The lore of a genie atop a cliff prompts three friends to climb up.

As they climb, they discuss their wishes.

Dick wants to become a famous musician and travel the world.

Harry wants fabulous wealth and a long healthy life.

Tom wants to be a bird and fly to Mexico.

As he reaches the top, Tom sees the magic lamp first and scrambles to pic...

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

What do you call research that rubs you the wrong way?

science friction

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

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A guy finds a lamp on the street and when he rubs it a genie appears

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

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An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

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A blind man goes to a restaurant...

"Menu sir?" asks the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."
The confused owner goes to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returns to the blind man.
The blind man smells the fork with a deep breath, "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoe...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

[Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple]

[Meanwhile, at the Jedi Temple]

OBI-WAN: [Rubbing his chin] There's only one thing on Dathomir that concerns me

ANAKIN: Which is, Master?

OBI-WAN: Exactly

ANAKIN: .....

What do you get when rubbing two oranges together

Pulp friction

I find myself buying the same mosquito repellent my boyfriend gives me

I guess you could say he's rubbing Off on me

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Did'ya hear about the BBQ pitmaster who got a really bad massage?

It was all his fault though, he asked for a "Dry Rub."

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

Blind guy walks into a restaurant.

Restaurant waiter and owner ,Paul goes to him politely and asks him what he'd like to eat. The blind guy tells Paul to give him a plate of the previous person that ate there , he'll smell the plate and tell Paul if he wants the meal. So Paul goes into the kitchen and asks his wife Mary (who happens ...

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

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A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...

After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.

"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!...

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[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

How do i rub one out in my pants?

its a subtle art and i cant seem to grasp it

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

A doctor specializing in circumcision is about to retire...

Over the years he has kept all the foreskins and approaches a leather smith to see if he can make them into something.

A few weeks later the leather smith delivers a small wallet to the doctor, the doctor is confused saying "I gave you loads of foreskins and you only made this tiny wallet?"...

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a man finds an old lamp and rubs it

As one would expect a genie pops out offering traditional wishes. Man thinks it over and says he doesn't want anything, that he is happy. Genie tries to persuade him to name three wishes, being a tradition and all and not wanting to be seen as odd genie out. Despite all this man declines and walks a...

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

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A little boy was sitting on the curb holding a mason jar when a preacher happened upon him…

“What’cha got in the jar little fella?” asked the preacher.

“This here is the most powerful liquid known to man” the boy replied.

The preacher retorted, “We both know the most powerful liquid known to man is holy water. You rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly and she’ll pass a baby boy...

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My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

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A man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar

He sits down, and orders a thimble of beer. The bartender looks confused, but gets him the drink. "Here's your drink, sir," says the barman. "But I have to ask. Are you, um, okay?"

^("Yes, I'm fine,") says the man. ^("It's not painful or anything.") He gestures at his tiny head.

"But, ...

The genius

A man is walking along a trail, he met a guy carrying a lock the size of an oven in his arms, the man then asked him:

"- That's a strange lock, where did you get it?

\- If youcontinue to walk on this trail, in a few hundred meters you'll saw the lamp on the side, rub it and a genie wil...

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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog goes ribbit ribbit
The toad goes rub it rub it

A Middle Aged Man Down on His Luck Finds an Old Lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold."

"I'd like $10 million," says the man. "Okay," the Genie replies, "but just know your wife will receive $100 million." "Yes, I know," the man says. "Fo...

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i’ve got Heinz sight

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

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