A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

Me: Rubs the lamp trelease the geniel

Genie: i shall grant you three
wishes

Me: i wish for a world without
lawyers

Genie: done, you have no more
wishes

Me: but you said three

Genie: sue me

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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I found a magic lamp & gave it a rub.

Out popped a genie, who explained that he must grant three wishes.

"My first wish, I want all the money in the world!" I shouted.

"My second wish, I wish for a beautiful woman who will always love me!" I said aloud.

I took a moment and thought about how I always wanted a huge p...

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

There this man who rubs a magic lamp and a genie pops out.

Genie: I will give you one wish.

Man: Isn't it supposed to be three?

Genie: That is a genie stereotype; we can only give one.

Man: Okay...world peace.

Genie: Sorry, that is too powerful for me to grant.

Man: Okay...I wish for a girlfriend who is-

Genie: Alri...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be...

What do you get when rubbing two oranges together

Pulp friction

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

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Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have a scrotum

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.

"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars."

POOF! He's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive."

POOF! He's holding papers showing his...

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Sometimes I like to rub cheese all over my body before making love, other times I enjoy eating cheese during sex.

Guess you could say they're my feta-shes.

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

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An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

A man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub.

Suddenly a genie flies out and informs the man that he can have 3 wishes. However, whatever the man wishes for, his wife gets double.
"I wish I had a car." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wife gets 2"
"I wish I had a house." Says the man.
"Okay" says the genie "but your wi...

Rub the lamp

A black guy, a Mexican, and a white guy are walking on the beach. They find a lamp and rub it, and a genie pops out. He offers them 1 wish each in lieu of the normal 3 wishes.
The black guy goes first, and asks that all Africans are sent to Africa, and a huge wall is erected around the entire co...

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out...

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.

Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.

For his second w...

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

My friend is a hunter, before he sets off hunting he takes the meat from a previous hunt and rubs it all over his head.

It's how he gets his game face on.

Few months after their parents divorce, little Johny came home early ..

And heard moaning sounds coming from his mom's bedroom.

He peeked in and saw his mom completely naked and rubbing her crotch moaning " oh god, I need a man ,oh god, I need a man " .

Little Johny ignored it and left .

Few days later , when little Johny came home early , he heard ...

When I offer to rub on your back in the shower..

..a simple "yes" or "no" answer would suffice.

But please, don't start asking all those silly questions like "who are you?" and "how did you get in my house?"

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

Why didn't the Eskimo rub noses with his non-Eskimo girlfriend?

She just wasn't Inuit.

When I was a kid the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper

I was no match for him

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Tim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.

“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.

Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.

Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii --with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.

Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schno...

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A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

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A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

What do you call someone who rubs women the wrong way?

A massagynist

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Cheating Golfer

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take ...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pi...

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

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I just paid $25 for a hot 20 year old chick to rub her boobs all over me

I love having my hair cut.

What do you get if you rub an eggplant?

A little aubergenie

An Irish Confession

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing ...

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I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart

She's the Texas Chain Store Massager

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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A teacher finds his students have drawn penises on the whiteboard, so he rubs them all off.

He is now a registered sex offender.

An Englishman and a Scotsman find a shiny lamp. After giving it a rub, a genie pops out...

"For freeing me, you shall each have one wish!" says the Genie. "What is it you want the most?"

"Well," says the Englishman, "I'm fed up with all these Scots coming down into England. I wish for a giant wall to be built around England, so that no Scots can ever get in again."

"You wish...

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

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How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy...?

How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations" but no one rubs the guy's balls and says "Good job"?!

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

A balloon animal!

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?

Intermittenly.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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A guy rubs an old oil lamp...

...and a genie comes out. In a deep voice he says : "You have 3 wishes. Ask me anything".

The guy thinks for a bit and says : "Alright, I want 40 billion dollars on my bank account."

The genie tells him it's done, the guy checks his bank account and indeed finds he is now very, very ri...

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!

I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.

I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft...

A man in a desert rubs a magic lamp

Sure enough, a genie appears and says, "The rumors aren't true. You don't get three wishes. You only get one. However, if you'd like, you may choose to ask me three questions instead of making a wish."

The man thinks about the options for a moment and then says, "Wait. That's stupid. Why...

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A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."

"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.

The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toi...

Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

A woman stumbles upon a magic lamp

She rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie asks her what she wishes for.

The woman says, "My wish is for my husband to have eyes only for me; I want to be the only one in his life, I want him to always sleep by my side, and I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing...

Timmy and the priest #1

One day little Timmy is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Timmy what he has.

"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

"Actually, Timmy, the most powerful liquid in the world is...

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

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A man rubs a genie lamp and out pops the Genie, and the Genie says to him "I will grant you 3 wishes, but there is a catch, your ex gets twice what I give you"

The man says "I want a billion dollars" The Genie 'poofs' the money in front of him, then does another 'poof' off to the side. The guy says "What was that?" The Genie says " I just gave her 2 billion dollars", This guy is pissed, but he's got 2 wishes left, He says "I want a 40 room mansion along th...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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