My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Why did the programmer get stuck in the shower?

Because his shampoo said "lather, rinse, repeat"

People claim they're into

recycling, but just watch their faces when you rinse out a condom.

I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat.

They found me passed out in the shower four days later.

My favorite musician pun

||: lather, rinse :||

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four nuns walk into a church to confess their sins to a priest

They all line up single file. The first nun says, "Father I've sinned. I gave someone a foot job."
The priest responds, "It's okay. Just go in the back and rinse your feet with holy water."
The second nun was up, "Father I've sinned as well, I gave someone a hand job."
To which the priest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time."
The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife and husband are doing 69 when the husband realizes he's late for the dentist.

He doesn't want his mouth the smell like pussy so he quickly brushes his teeth, rinses out his mouth, and heads out the door as soon as he can. When he pulls up to the dentist he sprays his mouth with breathe freshener and heads inside.
Once he's seated in the chair he's sure his mouth doesn't s...

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

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4 nuns die and stand outside the pearly gates.......

Saint Peter says I want to tell you all right now you are all getting in. But I need you to cleanse with this holy water first any body part that has ever had anything to do with a penis... The first nun says I have seen one!...he says ok splash some holy water on your eyes....she does and gets in t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bus Full of Nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on their way to a Jesus convention.
Many of the nuns die and find themselves in line at heavens gate, with St. Peter standing guard. St. peter asks the first nun, "Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?", she replies, "only with these two fingers." as she holds up ...

You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?

Because all they do is rinse and repeat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hot Russian Catholic Girls (Or Orthodox, I guess) [NSFW]

There was a bomb at the Russian Catholic Girls' school, and all the girls died. Being Catholic, they were greeted by St. Peter at the gates.

They're all queued up and St. Peter says to the first one, "Have you ever touched a man?"

She thinks for a moment then recalls, "Yes, I did, I to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man a Gets Job as 'Chief Tester' at a Durex Factory!

A man goes for a job in a Durex factory. The interview goes great and the lucky guy is offered the job immediately. The interviewer asks "would you like to see what you will be doing?" and the man agrees it would be good to get a feel for his new task.

They walk out into a large manufacturing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Nuns Die and go to Heaven...

They stand before the gatekeeper, who welcomes them to the pearly gates. He looks them all over quickly and says,

"Listen, I know you've all broken the code of Nuns at least once or twice, so I'll make you a deal. If you wash everywhere a man's penis has touched you in this Holy Water, you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a former standup comic, a few words about all of the "comic thief" posts lately... It's more common than you think. (XPost on request)

For a couple years I was a professional stand-up comic. This was back in the 90s, so who wasn't one back then?. And by professional I mean "full-time job," not the "I do drunk open-mic nights" type.

There was an understanding in the industry. If your shit is funny, it will be stolen. It was p...

I finally figured out where all my weight is coming from!

My shampoo, which runs down my body as I rinse my hair, advertises greater volume and body. Think I’ll start washing my hair with dish washing soap; it says it dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four nuns were waiting...

...in line to heaven at the pearly gates. St. Peter was offering final absolution to any sinners before they entered. When each soul would reach their turn they were offered the chance to confess and then absolve themselves through the use of holy water in a basin.

After a few moments the fir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thomps...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four Nuns

These four nuns were met with a terrible fate and all passed away. When they arrive at the pearly gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. He says to them.
"I'm sure you've all lived holy lives, but before I let you through I want you each to tell me the worst sin you've ever committed."
The fir...

A programmer was found dead in the shower this morning ...

Next to him was found a shampoo bottle marked 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Confessional

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady goes to buy a parrot...

as a present for her husband. She enters a pet shop and asks for it. The shop owner denies of having any Parrot left for sale. The lady's about to leave when she notices that there's a Parrot in the back of the shop.

'Hey! There's a Parrot in the back of the shop! Why did you lie?!', the lady...

Magic Number 5

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny d...

Why do computer programmers spend so much time in the shower?

The directions clearly state: "Rinse, lather, repeat"