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Crack Jokes

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If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Her-ass-mint

Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away...

omelette you think about it...

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step 1: Use commas.

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Don’t crack jokes about clitoris [NSFW]

It is a sensitive spot for many people.

What do you call someone who likes to crack their knuckles a lot?

A crack addict

I woke up at the crack of dawn...

she was OK with it!

Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

There was a posts I found last night where people shared Chuck Norris jokes and I wanted to share a (hopefully) original one.

How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes?

ctrl+v.

I went on a tour of stalactites and stalagmites, and the tour guide said 'please don't crack one off'

And she wasn't even that attractive.



>!Still managed.!<

My chiropractor said he couldn't decide which vertebrae to crack.

Guess he had a bone to pick with me.

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine

Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock

Why can't you crack death jokes near an ECG machine?

Because ECG draws a line there

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

Why did the Russian chef crack under pressure?

Because he wasn’t stroganoff.

Whats the difference between a crack head and a meth head?

A crack head will steal your wallet. A meth head will steal your wallet and spend 20 minutes helping you find it.

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

What's the difference between a baseball player and a crack ho?

One gets base on balls, the other gets balled on base

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

I wanna crack some jokes on " Fired people"

But they don't work anymore!!

What do you get when you mix a crack head with a Christian?

A Crystal Methodist.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

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[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?

A battering R.A.M.

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

Days ago, i learned how to crack neck. The sound and feeling are really satisfying.

Although the bodies are starting to pile up.

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

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My butt crack is like an iceberg...

90% of it is below see-level.

What is the difference between a hooker and a crack dealer ?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

I wanted to crack a joke about the road that splits the US-Canada border..

But then I realized, it would be crossing the line.

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

Step on a crack, break your momma's back!

So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said "Why didn't your back break, mom?"

"You're adopted."

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

How to crack an egg?

You tell it a funny joke!

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

Why did the pedestrian path finally crack?

It got tired of constantly getting walked all over.

I just found out that I was a crack baby.

All these years and I thought I was born C-section.

I became a crack addict...

When I started going to the chiropractor.

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

Thanos jokes always seem to crack me up

Its just inevitable.

I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

What is a crack head's favorite song?

I wanna rock!

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a littl...

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

What do you call a crack head in a race?

Need for speed!!

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...

She said, ”No, only tea.”

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

Can I tell you an egg joke? Its gonna “crack” you up!

Sorry I got so eggcited I forgot what the yolk was.

I woke up at the crack of dawn...

So I told her to get off my head and let me get some sleep.

Cant beat the classics.

Have you heard about the pothead who tried crack for the first time?

He thought it was dope!

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.

I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Why did H2O crack down on the NaCl?

They tried to un-ionize.

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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I was working on sealing a leak in a crack in my foundation when a friend told me I should look for one at the sex shop...

...At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try and I must say, I was quite disappointed because it was everything but plugs.

If a crack develops in your backyard...

Is it your fault?

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What do you call a crack house that sells breast implants?

A booby trap.

A guy buys the new Iphone 8 , He puts it in his back pocket when he hears a crack

I hope that was my spine he said.

The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

I started making love at the crack of Dawn

And I finished on her face

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

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If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

Why did the glass finally crack?

It was badly tempered.

What is it called when you crack an egg and two yolks come out?

An anomalette

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.

How do you get down from an elephant??


YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

I live in a house between a crack den and a brothel.

I guess you could say i'm between a rock and a hard place.

I heard the military is assembling a crack squad made up of all T-Rexes

Makes sense - I hear T-Rexes are small arms experts!

As a Korean man, I do love to crack a cold brew but....

I would never kill a Warmbier.

Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.

I still prefer crack.

What is a crack head's favourite song?

Q: What is a crack head's favourite song?
A: I wanna rock!!!


Well I found it funny anyway..

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What can you use to fill your butt crack?

Ass-fault

Support the war on crack.

Stop wearing low rise jeans.

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

Did you hear about the crack addict that got trapped in a pyramid?

He had to sarcophagi for the drug money

A rehabilitated crack addict says to his doctor: "I'm going to stay clean this time"

The doctor replied: "I'm afraid that's just a pipe dream"

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