This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can clean her crack and resell it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

A cocaine guy, weed guy and crack guy had one thing in common.....

They all take the “high” way to their destination.

Crack flavoured pringles

once you pop, you really can’t stop

Can I tell you an egg joke? Its gonna “crack” you up!

Sorry I got so eggcited I forgot what the yolk was.

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

I woke up at the crack of dawn...

So I told her to get off my head and let me get some sleep.

Cant beat the classics.

I’ve only smoked crack once...

For 5 years!!!

A manager cracks a joke. Everyone in the team laughs except one guy.

"Didn't you understand?" the manager asks.

The guy replies : "I resigned yesterday."

A German taught me how to crack eggs today.

It was ei-opening.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was working on sealing a leak in a crack in my foundation when a friend told me I should look for one at the sex shop...

...At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try and I must say, I was quite disappointed because it was everything but plugs.

What time of day stinks?

The crack of dawn

If a crack forms in your yard

Is it your fault?

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Always cracks me up when I hear this one.

Professional Overwatch.

How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes?

ctrl+v.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a crack house that sells breast implants?

A booby trap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I started making love at the crack of Dawn

And I finished on her face

A guy buys the new Iphone 8 , He puts it in his back pocket when he hears a crack

I hope that was my spine he said.

I heard the military is assembling a crack squad made up of all T-Rexes

Makes sense - I hear T-Rexes are small arms experts!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

"Alright man let's crack open a few cold ones, it's going to be a fun night"

Said one necrophiliac to another as they walked into the morgue

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.

FBI is still looking for the leak.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

I wanted to crack a joke on cooking utensils...

...but it didn't pan out.

I live in a house between a crack den and a brothel.

I guess you could say i'm between a rock and a hard place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

The Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

What is it called when you crack an egg and two yolks come out?

An anomalette

Why did the glass finally crack?

It was badly tempered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Voodoo Penis

A New Orleans businessman was getting ready for a long business trip, so he thought he would get his horny wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop in the French Quarters and explained his situation. The salesman said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep ...

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

Step on a crack, break your momma's back!

So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said "Why didn't your back break, mom?"

"You're adopted."

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.

I still prefer crack.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in the crack.

(One of my students)