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Cleanse Jokes

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

The hardest part about starting a new juice cleanse diet

Is trying to juice snickers

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

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4 Nuns Go To Heaven...

A terrible bus crash kills 4 Nuns.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St Peter.

St Peter says: "Before you enter Heaven, you must be cleansed of sin".

The first Nun, Sister Josephine, raises her hand and says "I have seen with my own eyes a naked penis".

S...

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Why was Hitler skinny during WWII?

He was on a cleanse

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What was Hitler's favorite dieting fad?

Doing a Jews Cleanse

Rich people have...

Rich people have colon cleanses
Poor people have taco bell

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Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pop...

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3 nuns are in line at the gates of heaven

The gatekeeper tells the first nun in line that, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, she will need to cleanse herself with holy water from any place she touched a penis, for it was a sin. She nodded and proceeded to cleanse her hands in a fountain of holy water nearby. The 3rd nun in line is tr...

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Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".

The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in you...

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The 5 Nuns.

5 nuns all died in a plane crash and went to heaven. They appeared at the pearly gates, and was greeted by St. Peter.

"Alright ladies". said St. Peter.
"Before you can enter the gates of heaven, you must place whatever part of your body, that's ever touched a penis, in this bowl of holy...

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Three men go to purgatory

Three men died and were sent to purgatory to be cleansed of their sins. Each were asked by god how they would like to spend their time there. After an eternity, the three men completed their sentences and met one another at the golden gates. Upon being let in, each were curious about what the other ...

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4 nuns trying to get into heaven

4 nuns die in a car accident and are standing in line at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them "You must confess your greatest sin and be granted absolution in order to get into heaven. "

The first nun in line holds up her index finger and says "I must confess, I once touched a man's pen...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

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4 nuns die and stand outside the pearly gates.......

Saint Peter says I want to tell you all right now you are all getting in. But I need you to cleanse with this holy water first any body part that has ever had anything to do with a penis... The first nun says I have seen one!...he says ok splash some holy water on your eyes....she does and gets in t...

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

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4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again,...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

Someone call for a religious joke

A Daoist monk, a Father, and a Priest talking about how to cleanse their temples that have been overridden with squirrels. the monk says "Well, I decided that it is Gods will for the squirrels to be there so I left them alone". The Father says "I spread fox urine around which worked for a week, but ...

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Three men stand in front of the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter greets them and welcomes them to the entrance of heaven. Before he allows them entry he tells them,

"You must all pass a test of purity. Each one of you will attach this bell with a string to your penis. Then you must walk into a room filled with naked women, and if I hear a ding w...

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

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Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.

The flight over was great, the ride fr...

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Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

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