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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

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Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

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The heat

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath

and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the o...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

Three Guys are on an private jet when the pilot says they need to lighten their load.

They all agree to drop one item each. The first man drops an empty briefcase, the second man drops a beach towel, and the third man drops a live grenade. The flight continues as normal and the three men decide to visit the area where they dropped their items to see if any damage was done.

Soo...

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Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No"
so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No"
so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fucked?"
He said "No" as hi...

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..

until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and Ran Away....

ALWAYS REMEMBER -

1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass

Asses can be dangerous animals &...

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

Mum has always said the linen looks much tidier if towels are folded in half before being curled up..

..I guess that's just how she rolls.

I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

The 3rd child asked her mother

Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
Mom angrily:
I wanted neither.
I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath!

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

A father and his young son check into their hotel room.

When they get to their room, they meet the maid on her way out. She stops and says, "Welcome, I just put fresh towels and toiletries in your room. Enjoy your stay!" The father and his son thank her and enter the room.

Shortly after settling in, the son tells his dad he needs to use the bathr...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Michael Jackson and his wife didn’t get “his” and “hers” towels.

Nope. Instead, they got “she” and “HEE HEE HEEEE”

I'm looking for the man who wears a paper towel as a hat...

...he has a bounty on his head.

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.

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A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Girlfriend always argued she never gets super mad. So a few minutes ago she got mad and I threw a towel on her shoulders and said “You’re super mad”

Now I’m hiding in the closet. Send help!

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

If towels could tell jokes...

They'd probably have a dry sense of humor.

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An elderly couple...

An elderly couple who have been together for years are struggling with their sex life. They’ve tried just about everything, but the passion has just died out. Eventually they decide to seek the advice of a less conventional doctor. They explain the problem - the husband says ‘No matter what I do, I ...

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

What's the difference between toilet paper and a towel?

You don't know? So it was you!

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

How do they clean up messes at the Vatican?

Papal towels.

What do you do when you come across your ex in a Karaoke bar?

The polite thing would be to offer them a towel!!

I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

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A guy sitting at a bar..

After his second drink Says to the bartender I bet you 500 bucks I could piss in that cup over there and not miss a drop. The bartender agrees and set the mug down a few feet away, the man stands on stool and begins to pee perfectly into the mug, not missing one drop. The bartender was amazed. Deter...

My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

Finally I threw in the towel.

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!

I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…

Fred: F is for face.

What do you call a Velcro sanitary towel?

A bloody rip off.

Why is the ocean wet?

Because it doesn’t have a towel.

(Courtesy of my son)

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A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out. As she wraps herself in a towel, the doorbell rings. She rushes downstairs to answer the door and finds their next door neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks the woman up and down, and says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel." S...

"I will give you $200 if you drop that towel."

A post on /r/videos reminded me of this joke, but it's still a gooder.

Early one morning, a young newlywed couple's doorbell rings. She's the only one up, but she's just getting ready for a shower.

"Damn!" She says as she wraps a big towel around herself and rushes to the door. It's h...

I forgot to bring my towel to the gym...

But I'm not gonna sweat it.

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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Frank goes to the Doctor

And tells him: "Doc, no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot make my wife orgasm. I've tried everything. And it's really starting to put a strain on our marriage."

The Doctor says, "Well maybe she's getting overheated, and that could cause her to not be able to climax. I suggest you put a f...

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Towel

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hou...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

A married couple is getting ready in the morning.

The wife jumps out of the shower and he jumps in. The doorbell rings. “I’ll answer it, “ she says. She wraps a towel around herself and answers the door. It’s their neighbor John. He looks her up and down and says “I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you drop that towel.” She thinks about it and dro...

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

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A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

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In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

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