UPJOKE
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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book..

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...

I could hardly close my suitcase.

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Paper towels?

OH! You mean napkins on the cob?

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

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Paddy’s wife has never had an

orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggested Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.
I'll...

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After a long day, a nun goes for a bath ....

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.
''Who's there'' she yells

" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response

" He's probably looking for some...

My wife can’t reach the towels.

I set the bar pretty high.

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The wife was unable to reach an orgasm.

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

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Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel. It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire.

“This hotel is similar in design to many i studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease” he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and es...

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On a beach

Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?” He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on. 3rd said “U ever been fucked?” He said “No” as...

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beware the ATM!

Guy on a long distance flight on Japanese Airlines is bursting for the loo, but the gents has been occupied for over an hour. Eventually a stewardess takes pity on him and says he can use the ladies, but don't fiddle with anything (not like that... Don't be rude)
So he goes in and does his busine...

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

What kind of owl can you find by the shower?

A towel

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: ...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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Three automobile managers at the urinal

The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.


The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."


T...

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..

until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and Ran Away....

ALWAYS REMEMBER -

1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass

Asses can be dangerous animals &...

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?" The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely." The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered." The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible." Then says to the fir...

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

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The Little Green Man

One day there was a little green man who had just got home from his little green job.

He got to his little green door, opened it, stepped inside, hung up his little green coat and decided to run his little green bath while he drank a little cup of green tea.

As soon as his little green...

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

The magic slide.

Three men lined up to take turns on a magic slide. Whoever went down the slide would receive whatever they yelled out once they reached the bottom.

The first man climbed up the slide and came down yelling "GOLD!" And landed on a pile of golden coins. He'd never been richer in his life. The s...

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

If towels could tell jokes...

They'd probably have a dry sense of humor.

Mum has always said the linen looks much tidier if towels are folded in half before being curled up..

..I guess that's just how she rolls.

A woman is doing the dishes,

When a few minutes later, she hears her husband yelling at her from up the stairs.

“HONEY! COME LOOK AT MY CLOCK!”

She sighs, puts down the towel, and walks up the stairs. She finally gets to the room, and sees her husband laying starkers on the bed, hard-on wagging in the air.
...

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

Michael Jackson and his wife didn’t get “his” and “hers” towels.

Nope. Instead, they got “she” and “HEE HEE HEEEE”

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

What's the difference between toilet paper and a towel?

You don't know? So it was you!

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

I got a job in prison making paper towels..

I hope I get paid per roll

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!

I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

I accidentally ate a hand towel while sleep eating

I dried a little inside

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.

The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* s...

I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out. As she wraps herself in a towel, the doorbell rings. She rushes downstairs to answer the door and finds their next door neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks the woman up and down, and says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel." S...

What do you call a Velcro sanitary towel?

A bloody rip off.

Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…

Fred: F is for face.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

I forgot to bring my towel to the gym...

But I'm not gonna sweat it.

"I will give you $200 if you drop that towel."

A post on /r/videos reminded me of this joke, but it's still a gooder.

Early one morning, a young newlywed couple's doorbell rings. She's the only one up, but she's just getting ready for a shower.

"Damn!" She says as she wraps a big towel around herself and rushes to the door. It's h...

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Towel

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hou...

A gentleman went to the shoe store.

A gentleman went to the shoe store. The shopkeeper first sanitized his feet well. Then washed by rubbing with water. Then cleaned it thoroughly with towel and put on the shoe.
Gentleman liked the shoe, he paid the price and started walking from the shop.
The shopkeeper asked him: "What else ...

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