Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s



I apologize. I’m from California.

You brush your teeth at night to keep your teeth...

You brush them in the morning to keep your friends.

Credit of this joke goes to my dental hygienist

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

I lost 20% of my brush

Bruh

Two Teemos sit in a brush

One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

My dentist told me that the way I brush I deserve a plaque.

Or I have plaque or something like that.

Mom died and left me that thing she used to weave rugs out of that stuff you pull out of used styling brushes.

It was a family hair-loom.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

I recently bought a toilet brush...

Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

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When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

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I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

Contagious

Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".

The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read ...

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

I need to brush up on my geography.

The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Went to the store and got me a toilet brush.

Been a couple days now, I think I am going back to toilet paper.

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

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Are my Testicles black?

One day an old man was taken into the recovery room he had a biopsy, he also had an oxygen mask on. The nurse walks in and takes his vitals to which he asks "Are my testicles black?". The nurse looks confused and brushes it off. When shes done he asks again "Are my testicles black?". Again she ignor...

Why didn’t the astronaut brush his teeth?

They were already experiencing zero cavity.

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What does my sex life and me brushing my teeth have in common?

I always lie about it being 2 minutes

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

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He spent most of his life in a quandry..

He was depressed. His spirits were down. He felt different. He couldn't figure out why. The young indian brave decides to go to the chief of his tribe for advice.

"Chief, I need answers. You name every child born to this tribe. How do you come up with the names you bestow upon us."

S...

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground...

They approached it and are amazed by the depth of it. The first Hunter says, "Wow,that's some whole.I can't even see the bottom.Must be an old mine shaft. I wonder how deep it is."


The second Hunter says,"Well,let's grab that old transmission over there and throw it down in the hole and w...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

"Son, you better start brushing your teeth...

Oral-B very angry."

The easiest thing I’ve done all day

I was in chemistry class, and was having problem with one of the questions, so I asked the girl next to me. She was very rude about it and after she finished the problem she said with an attitude, “There, that was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.” I brush it off and move on. Then, as it’s time ...

Don't waste time brushing your teeth when you are young.

Simply put your dentures in the dishwasher when you're older.

I went to the dentist...

Dentist:*looks into my mouth*

Dentist: “WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH”

Me: “bro you were there”

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

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Little Johnny Joke

Every day, Little Johnny’s teacher came into school with a word of the day for the class to learn. On this particular morning the word of the day was contagious.

Teacher: Does anyone know how to use the word contagious in a sentence? (Only little Johnny raised his hand)

Teacher: Anyon...

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

I used to play my Xbox so much when i was a kid, I'd forget to brush my teeth.

Worst case of Halo-tosis you ever saw.

This joke was actually the first thing I ever posted to Reddit, just not to jokes.

Edit: actually it was to r/jokes...

Edit again I just realized it's my cake day so, reason for reposting my bad joke.

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Alabama.

If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

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I brushed the inside of the bowl with my penis.

That's why I'm no longer allowed to attend cookery classes.

Why do protesters refuse to brush their teeth?

Because plaque lives matter.

Husband asks his wife

When I get mad, you remain calm and don't react.

How do you maintain your self control?

Wife: I just go and clean the toilet

husband : How does that help

W: I use your tooth brush

I felt a toe brush against me whilst I was out swimming in the lake

I thought 'something must be afoot'

I've been clean for 30 days.

Having depression makes it difficult to take of myself, but I've managed to shower and brush my teeth for 30 days in a row. Thankfully I have all this heroin to get me through it.

4 out of 5 dentists say brushing alone is not enough.

That's why I do it on crowded subway cars.

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Little Johnny is sitting in the back of anatomy class.

The teacher is pointing at a map of the body and telling the kids about what each part of the body does. She points at the penis on the diagram and says, "This is the penis. Every boy has one penis and it is for--"

"Hey, teacher," Little Johnny interrupts, "that's not right. My daddy has two ...

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

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A wife is brushing her teeth while her husband lays in bed...

The wife thinks to herself, "I haven't done anything sexy for my man in a while." So she exists the bathroom, whips open her robe and yells, "super pussy!"

The husband goes, "I'll have the soup."

A band's drummer suddenly dies

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

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Three men are walking down a beach when they find a lamp buried in the sand.

They dig up the lamp, brush it off, and poof! a genie appears.

"I shall grant each of you three wishes," the genie intones.

The first guy wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof! Wish granted.

The second guy also wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof!

The third guy starts flailing ...

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

How do bees brush their hair?

With a honey comb!

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

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Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

So i told my son

So i told my son that he could only have his skittles if he could brush his teeth he walked away sad. Then i remembered that my son has no arms

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

A Rabbi is walking through the valley of Trid...

...as he makes his way through the waving grasses and scrub brush, he is amazed to see a giant standing over a brook that runs through the valley. As the rabbi watches in amazement, the giant swoops down, grabs one of the natives of the valley, and punts him off into the distance.

The rabbi c...

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Castaway

A young man was on a cruise ship to Hawaii. He somehow fell overboard unnoticed, but luckily managed to get himself onto a small uninhabited island.
Luckily for him, he was a avid watcher of all those “survival” shows and managed to situate himself comfortably. After scouring the islan...

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Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

What does the Night's King brush his teeth with?

Wightening toothpaste.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth?

His mouth was 4 molar

Post your favorite nerd chem jokes!

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

How come Link never brushes his teeth?

He wants breath of the wild.

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

I just had a brush with Death

Is it weird to name your toothbrush?

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

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Anal is like brushing your teeth.

If you see blood your not doing it enough.

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.

The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.


...

The things kids do

A little kid knocks on a door, when the guy opens it, the kid asks him if he has any jobs around the place he can do. The guy says "Well, the Porch around the back needs painting, I guess you could do that" he goes in, and comes back with a pot of paint, and a brush. The kid takes them, and gets to...

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Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help...

I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning.

I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

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Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream

...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies are at the hairdresser. One is happy and one is sad. The happy one asks “what’s wrong honey?”
The sad one replied “it’s my sex life. It’s non-existent. “
Happy lady says “well I’m so happy because my sex life is great!”
Sad lady “really? Why is that?”
Happy one “it’s sim...

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Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

When I was a boy, I fell and skinned my knee

I called out for help. My grandfather came to my rescue. He helped me up and, brushing off the gravel from my hands and knees, he asked me which one of my three knees I had skinned.

Confused, I asked, "*Three* knees?"

He replied, "Which one of the three did you hurt?Your left knee, you...

A farmer is out in his field...

A farmer is out in his field planting seeds. Once he finishes, he makes arrangements to sell the farm and purchase some nearby land.



The other people in his small town are puzzled by this, but they brush it off as some eccentric behavior.



After purchasing the new land, ...

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night

I hope it was the former, not the lather.

So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encoun...

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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

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