UPJOKE
sweepunderbrushplasticbristlehairpaintbrushundergrowthtoothbrushpaintthicketscrubtouchbrushingcombclean

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

My toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush

I was Crestfallen

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He immediately returned.

He forgot his teeth.

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

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What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

A Game Dev wakes up, brushes their teeth, gets dressed, grabs their keys and walks out of the door

Map Failed to Load

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

A painter was standing on a ladder and painting a wall in an insane asylum when a patient came up to him and asked, "Are you holding on tight to your brush?"

"Well yes, I don't want to drop it", the painter replied.


"Cool, then I'll take the ladder".

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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A guy and a hen enter a bar together

They sit down at the table. The hen has extraordinarily long legs.

The waiter asks the guy what he wants.

The guy, with a sad and tired expression asks for a black coffee and a slice of applepie.

The hen promptly says: "I'll have the same, thanks".

The waiter is amazed by...

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

Coronavirus isn't Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's Fault. Sars wasn't Brush's fault....

And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

One day a man was walking on a beach

He saw a bottle lying in the sand, so he picked it up and brushed the sand off. He uncorked the bottle and a genie popped out.

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your boss will get double."

The man thought for a while and said, "For my first ...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed. The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides i...

I was so busy with maths homework that I didn't brush my teeth for a week

The calculus had built up, and it was starting to get quite hard.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

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Home Repairs

A couple woke up one morning and began getting ready for the day. While brushing their teeth the wife noticed the sink was leaking and asked her husband to fix it. He turned to her and said, "Do I look like a fucking plumber?"

A few minutes later his wife noticed the closet light had a short...

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

(OFFENSIVE) Why do models don't brush their teeth?

Because you have to brush your teeth after every meal.

No matter how much I brush, my hair just won't stay down...

Guess I'll have to condition it to do what I want.

Out It Or Brush It



An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady.

"I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

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I am excessively orderly and fussy when brushing my teeth

You might say I’m anal about oral.

My dentist asked me if I brush regularly.

"Yes," I replied. "And if you don't believe me, ask our pet horse. We share a toothbrush."

One day two friends decided to brush up their English.

One says "i will ask you the antonyms of some words".

The other agreed.

Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Always'

Friend 2 : Never

Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Stop' said in a modern way

Friend 2 : Gonna

Friend 1 : Antonym of 'take'

Friend 2 : Give

Friend 1 : A...

I got abducted by aliens...

I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.

It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.

A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday

Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies

"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

9 out of 10 recommend

What’s the best way to get “fresh from the dentist” feeling every time you brush?



Only do it once a week

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s



I apologize. I’m from California.

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

I lost 20% of my brush

Bruh

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

You brush your teeth at night to keep your teeth...

You brush them in the morning to keep your friends.

Credit of this joke goes to my dental hygienist

A tramp walks into a decorating store

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have ...

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

My dentist told me that the way I brush I deserve a plaque.

Or I have plaque or something like that.

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Wire brush and Dettol

HRH Anne, the Princess Royal, is visiting the regiment of which she is Colonel-in-Chief and goes on a tour of the base hospital. She sees a patient in one bed and goes over to him, and he turns red and tries to hide beneath the bedspread; but the Princess is having none of this and says to the RSM e...

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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A store announces that from 8:00 to 9:30 am they'll only be attending senior customers and offering discounts

By 7:30 there was already a big line of grandpas and grandmas waiting outside. Suddenly a nice car pulls up, a young man gets out and proceeds to cut in front of everyone. He gets immediately smacked in the head with a cane by an old lady. He brushes it off and keeps going. This time a lot of canes ...

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

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I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

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Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

Went to the store and got me a toilet brush.

Been a couple days now, I think I am going back to toilet paper.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

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Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no w...

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

Two Teemos sit in a brush

One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my wife is an animal in the bedroom. She wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the woman and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me”?

The doctor replies, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever she d...

So a young man walks into a bar…

and notices a an unfamiliar patron sitting in the corner. This person looks completely normal, except that he has an extremely large, bright orange, spherical head. The young man asks the bartender,

“Do you know that fellow over there?”

“Oh, him? Yeah, that’s Andy.”

“What on e...

I need to brush up on my geography.

The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.

4 out of 5 dentists say brushing alone is not enough.

That's why I do it on crowded subway cars.

A man wins a neighborhood door prize.

it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

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Mom died and left me that thing she used to weave rugs out of that stuff you pull out of used styling brushes.

It was a family hair-loom.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up a...

Why didn’t the astronaut brush his teeth?

They were already experiencing zero cavity.

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

An old couple wakes up

The man says: "Darling, could you make us breakfast and coffee please?"

The lady replies: "Of course, dear. Would you brush our teeth?"

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

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A company of soldiers were route-stepping through a valley, when a Marine appeared up on top of a nearby hill and said: "You Army guys fight like girls!"

The Army captain said: "First Squad, get up there and teach that Marine a lesson!”

Ten soldiers go charging up the hill and disappear over the top. Sounds of fighting are heard, then the Marine appears, straightens his shirt out, and yells down to the soldiers "Come on now, don't any of you p...

I just had a brush with Death

Is it weird to name your toothbrush?

How come Link never brushes his teeth?

He wants breath of the wild.

What does the Night's King brush his teeth with?

Wightening toothpaste.

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth?

His mouth was 4 molar

Post your favorite nerd chem jokes!

What do we know about Gandhi?

Well, he walked barefoot and was a vegetarian.. he ate very little and practiced yoga, and was a minimalist who likely didn't brush his teeth either, giving him bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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