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Brush Jokes

Coronavirus isn't Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's Fault. Sars wasn't Brush's fault....

And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

No! I don't want to buy a toilet brush.

I’ve never owned a toilet brush, all my friends who come over have gone to the bathroom and come out asking about owning a toilet brush. I’m just baffled why people use and care about toilet brushes.

One day I brought my date over for dinner and at the end of the night after she went to the b...

I just bought a new toilet brush.

Honestly? Not a fan. I think I'll stick with toilet paper.

Two Teemos sit in a brush

One says to the other "There's not mushroom in here"

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

My toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush

I was Crestfallen

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

Toilet brush

So yesterday I went to buy a toilet brush. I’m going back to toilet paper. I don’t see how people do it.

Why did the sweeping brush stay indoors?

Cos it wanted to stay at broom temperature!

What did the dentist say when his patient told him that he's never brushed in his life?

"I'm at a floss for words."

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came back immediately.

He forgot his teeth.

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

Out It Or Brush It



An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady.

"I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

My Eevee brushed past a car tire and now it's a Flareon.

Must have been a Firestone.

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

(OFFENSIVE) Why do models don't brush their teeth?

Because you have to brush your teeth after every meal.

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

I lost 20% of my brush

Bruh

My dentist asked me if I brush regularly.

"Yes," I replied. "And if you don't believe me, ask our pet horse. We share a toothbrush."

You brush your teeth at night to keep your teeth...

You brush them in the morning to keep your friends.

Credit of this joke goes to my dental hygienist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wire brush and Dettol

HRH Anne, the Princess Royal, is visiting the regiment of which she is Colonel-in-Chief and goes on a tour of the base hospital. She sees a patient in one bed and goes over to him, and he turns red and tries to hide beneath the bedspread; but the Princess is having none of this and says to the RSM e...

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday

Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies

"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

A Game Dev wakes up, brushes their teeth, gets dressed, grabs their keys and walks out of the door

Map Failed to Load

What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s



I apologize. I’m from California.

No matter how much I brush, my hair just won't stay down...

Guess I'll have to condition it to do what I want.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The brushes behind toilets are the real MVPs

You don't even know the shit they go through.

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

I was so busy with maths homework that I didn't brush my teeth for a week

The calculus had built up, and it was starting to get quite hard.

Why didn’t the astronaut brush his teeth?

They were already experiencing zero cavity.

How do bees brush their hair?

With a honey comb!

I need to brush up on my geography.

The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

I just had a brush with Death

Is it weird to name your toothbrush?

4 out of 5 dentists say brushing alone is not enough.

That's why I do it on crowded subway cars.

How come Link never brushes his teeth?

He wants breath of the wild.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

My dentist told me that the way I brush I deserve a plaque.

Or I have plaque or something like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

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When you think about it, brushing your teeth and sex have a lot in common.

it’s good for your health, you do it before bed, and it doesn’t happen everyday.

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth?

His mouth was 4 molar

Post your favorite nerd chem jokes!

Cruise ship drive by

I was on a cruise recently.

One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.

On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard...

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

What does the Night's King brush his teeth with?

Wightening toothpaste.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

I used to play my Xbox so much when i was a kid, I'd forget to brush my teeth.

Worst case of Halo-tosis you ever saw.

This joke was actually the first thing I ever posted to Reddit, just not to jokes.

Edit: actually it was to r/jokes...

Edit again I just realized it's my cake day so, reason for reposting my bad joke.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

I like to brush my teeth while I take my morning poo.

I call it taking a number tooth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream

...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh

Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials?

I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I brushed the inside of the bowl with my penis.

That's why I'm no longer allowed to attend cookery classes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time."

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis onc...

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A wife is brushing her teeth while her husband lays in bed...

The wife thinks to herself, "I haven't done anything sexy for my man in a while." So she exists the bathroom, whips open her robe and yells, "super pussy!"

The husband goes, "I'll have the soup."

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

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A woman was getting bored with the sex life with her husband, and decided some sexy talk would spice things up. So one day when things are getting intimate she says to her husband, "say dirty things to me." The husband smiles, leans in and gently brushing his lips to her ear whispers...

"^the ^dishes, ^^the ^^living ^^room ^^carpet, ^^^behind ^^^the ^^^fridge"

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

Driving.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but de...

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you will forgive me."

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room number 3134."

I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night

I hope it was the former, not the lather.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom died and left me that thing she used to weave rugs out of that stuff you pull out of used styling brushes.

It was a family hair-loom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

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