What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What does Superman use to dry himself?

A Tow-El.

A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. "Thank you" said the assistant "come again"

"No" said the blonde "it's toothpaste this time"

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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

A bartender who hanged dry aged steak made a bet with me.

He said to me “if you can jump up remove the hanged steaks, you can keep the whole thing. If you cannot jump high enough to take them, you pay for everyone’s drinks inside this bar.”

I turned it down, because the steaks were too high.

Dry humor about water.

So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.

One says, "Hey, go fetch some water to drink."

So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water. He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!

The guy drops...

I was once afflicted with with a terrible bout of dry mouth...

The doctors could do nothing to help and my future was looking dim. My food had long since been rendered flavorless and eating became a chore, until I met a man who said he was sent by god to cure my ailment. I was skeptical but desperate, willing to try anything.

I asked him "How much?" and...

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A tea bag!

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

I'm banned from my local dry cleaner

All I did was ask them if I could drop my pants and jacket off

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

What does an oyster use when its shell is dry?

Oysterizer

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners

and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy

"I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

I’m opening up a new dry cleaners...

I’m calling it, “Drop your pants and jacket off.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

What’s hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky?

Gum

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school.

It was sublime.

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

I heard Rockstar are gonna start making dry shampoo

It's called Bed Head Redemption

What did the chicken farmer’s daughter say to her dry skinned mother?

“Hey you got the eggs, ma?”

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?

Man: No, mustard.

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

I was dared to eat a spoonful of dry ice.

It tasted sublime!

Muhammad Ali & Joe Frazier go to a Dry Cleaner.

Owner says, "Can I help you?"

They say, "How much to wash an old pair of boxers?"

Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.

The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.

I said, “excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this”
...

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

What is pink, hard when it goes in, soft when it comes out, dry when it goes in, and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum. Got this joke from a high school science teacher, one of the weird ones.

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin?

EXFOLIATE

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"

She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

I went to pick up from the dry cleaners, but the shop was closed.

They were away, attending to pressing matters.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

Chinese brothers opened a dry cleaning service in town...

Two Wongs *can* make it white.

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

What Does The Pontiff Dry His Hands With?

Papal Towels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

You can buy anything with dry grass

It's legal tinder

Dating a girl after a dry spell is like going food shopping when you’re hungry

Except my food never banged my roommate while I was at work

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?

Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.

Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?

Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.

Clerk: Come again?

Woman: No, it's mustard this time.

My humor isn't dry

It just has psoriasis

A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom.

She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms do you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"

My redhead friend named Albert drinks Canada Dry every day

I call him Ginger Al

A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After missing the first question, the blonde asks so...

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner

She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry."

Man they got alot of water up there..

Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

Why did the blackboard sue the dry erase marker?

Because the dry erase marker would only work with the whiteboard.

Fred Astaire took his outfit to the dry cleaners.

"What happened to get it in such a mess?" The dry cleaner asked.

"Well" replied Fred, "Was in the kitchen when I tripped up and knocked a bowl full of rice pudding all over myself"

"Now I've got....... pudding on my top hat.... pudding on my white tie........pudding on my tails"

A guy walks into a dry cleaner ...

'Sorry mum, I didn't see you there!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to...

What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

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Dry cleaning (long)

So this guy meets a mate after work for a "couple" of beers, on a pomise to his wife that he wont get too drunk. That plan obviously goes out the window and after a few too many he ends up throwIng up all down his shirt.

"Shit!" He says's, "I promised the wife I wouldn't get hammered tonight....

I had to fire the guy who installed dry wall in my house.

He screwed up the ceiling.

My wife has really dry skin

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

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