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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

I love dry erase boards.

They're remarkable.

A New research shows us that the main cause of dry skin is....

Towels.

What does an oyster use when its shell is dry?

Oysterizer

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy

"I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

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Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

What’s hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky?

Gum

I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school.

It was sublime.

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it’s toothpaste this time

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

I’m opening up a new dry cleaners...

I’m calling it, “Drop your pants and jacket off.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink...

What did the chicken farmer’s daughter say to her dry skinned mother?

“Hey you got the eggs, ma?”

I bought some dry wine and felt conned.

It was still in liquid form.

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

I was dared to eat a spoonful of dry ice.

It tasted sublime!

A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?

Man: No, mustard.

I heard Rockstar are gonna start making dry shampoo

It's called Bed Head Redemption

Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.

The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.

I said, “excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this”
...

What is pink, hard when it goes in, soft when it comes out, dry when it goes in, and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum. Got this joke from a high school science teacher, one of the weird ones.

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin?

EXFOLIATE

What Does The Pontiff Dry His Hands With?

Papal Towels

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"

She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

I went to pick up from the dry cleaners, but the shop was closed.

They were away, attending to pressing matters.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

Chinese brothers opened a dry cleaning service in town...

Two Wongs *can* make it white.

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

Dating a girl after a dry spell is like going food shopping when you’re hungry

Except my food never banged my roommate while I was at work

A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?

Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.

Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?

Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.

Clerk: Come again?

Woman: No, it's mustard this time.

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

My humor isn't dry

It just has psoriasis

You can buy anything with dry grass

It's legal tinder

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom.

She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms do you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

My redhead friend named Albert drinks Canada Dry every day

I call him Ginger Al

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After missing the first question, the blonde asks so...

Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

What gets wetter the more you dry it?

A woman with a towel fetish

Why did the blackboard sue the dry erase marker?

Because the dry erase marker would only work with the whiteboard.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"

Fred Astaire took his outfit to the dry cleaners.

"What happened to get it in such a mess?" The dry cleaner asked.

"Well" replied Fred, "Was in the kitchen when I tripped up and knocked a bowl full of rice pudding all over myself"

"Now I've got....... pudding on my top hat.... pudding on my white tie........pudding on my tails"

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner

She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry."

Man they got alot of water up there..

What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

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Dry cleaning (long)

So this guy meets a mate after work for a "couple" of beers, on a pomise to his wife that he wont get too drunk. That plan obviously goes out the window and after a few too many he ends up throwIng up all down his shirt.

"Shit!" He says's, "I promised the wife I wouldn't get hammered tonight....

I had to fire the guy who installed dry wall in my house.

He screwed up the ceiling.

A dry salad is an issue

That definitely needs a dressing

My wife has really dry skin

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

LPT: If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice.

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

When I started dating my girlfriend I was worried about telling her I had addiction, I used to eat dry crackers all day long

It was hard to swallow but she stood by me and helped me through it

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"