UPJOKE
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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen:Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It isn't urgent. You can come on foot

Broom girl to broom boyfriend: “sweetie, I’m pregnant…”

Broom boyfriend: But that’s impossible! We haven’t even swept together!

Have you heard of the movie about the broom?

It's sweeping the nation.

Mommy broom and her child

Mommy broom and her child are walking outside.

Child: "Mom, how did dad and you make me?"

Mom: "Oh, we swept together."

I had to quit a broom factory

Because it really swept me away

Why was the broom late?

Well because it over-swept

Wife: "Have you seen the broom ?

Me: " Why!! Are you going somewhere?"

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom

You know those brooms they ride around on in Harry Potter? How much do they cost?

About a quid each...

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

The invention of the broom

Swept across the nation

How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?

You take away the broom.

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."

"But I have a PhD..."

"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'l...

I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

Two brooms were hanging in the closet . . .

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome a...

TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

My friend spoke to me today, and insisted that all brooms are the same...

I always hated those sweeping generalizations.

What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

How did the broom find a Girlfriend?

He swept her off her feet.

What do you call a potato with a broom ?

A sweep potato.

You’re welcome

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A Witness is Testifying in an Assault Case involving a broom

DA: Can you tell us what happened next?

Witness: Ya this guy tried to shove a broom up the other guy's ass!

Judge: Watch your language in my courtroom!

DA: Rectum?

Witness: Rectum!? Damn near killed him!

Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom?

It was a brush with death.

One broom said to the other...

'New brooms are always better than old ones.'

'Wow, that's a sweeping statement.' the other broom replied.

A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

What did the witch say after her broom was stolen?

"Well, good thing I can drive a stick."

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Two brooms get married...

On their wedding night as they're lying in bed the bride broom tells the groom broom that they can't have sex because she's expecting.

'How can that be,' asked the groom broom, 'we've never swept together.'

All maids love their brooms

Well, that's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work?

Because 7,8,9

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom temperature

What did the broom say to the dustpan?

Get down on the floor and let me put this in you.

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

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Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."

Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing

True story

I can't decide whether to get this broom or large stepping stool.

I think I'm going to have to go with the ladder.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...

But there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed S...

Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies?

They're flying off the shelves!

What's another name for a Pore vacuum?

A broom and a dustpan!

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An old man and woman snuck into the broom closet at the retirement home for a romp...

They undressed and were about to fuck when the woman realized she should warn the man about her heart condition.

"I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said.

"Good," said the man, "because you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen!"

Why didn't the witch fall off her broom?

She wasn't wearing underwear

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What did Hitler call his broom?

Mein Sweeper

The invention of the broom may have swept the nation...

... but the invention of the Galaxy Note 7 really set the world on fire

Why did the broom take a nap?

It was sweepy. ಠ\_ಠ

Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house?

It swept with his girlfriend :P

The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom.

To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

Don't get much use out of my broom...

It's just there gathering dust....

I put my name into a drawing in order to win a tiny broom used to clean beef.

I hope I win this sweep steaks

Have you guys heard about that new broom that's sweeping the nation?

I heard it literally leaves its competitors in the dust!

BRIDE & BROOM

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

Two brooms got married...

So these two brooms had just gotten married, and they're sitting at the wedding party's table in the banquet hall enjoying dinner. The bride-broom leans over to the groom-broom and says, "You know...I was going to wait until our honey-broom to tell you this but... well... let me just ask you this: ...

Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways!

Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Gu...

Why did Harry Potter use so much Gold Bond when he got off his broom?

Quiddichin




I'll see myself out.

Newly Married Couple from honeymoon

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in...

What does a witches car sound like?

BROOM BROOM

Generous Scottish Woman

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complain...

A teacher asks one of her students...

- What do people get from the hen?
- Eggs.
- Correct. And what else?
- Meat.
- Very well. And what's the last thing we get from the chicken?
- More eggs?
- Hmm think for a while if you need.
- Uhhh...
- Ok, what do you sleep on?
- On the floor.
- And what do you have u...

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

How do you clean Disney World?

With an Orlando Broom.

Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms?

Better grip.


Happy Halloween :)

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

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Mid 1800's, a Native American man leaves his people for the first time.

After a few day of wondering, he came across this small town. In this town was a saloon/brothel.

Upon entering the saloon, a lady of the night approached the traveler. "You look new to these parts honey."

"Mmm," say the traveler.

"Well, let me tell you all about our special," ...

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My wife was about to go into town and she said

..."I've got a new broom in the back of the car"

To which I replied: "No, I think you ought to drive"

(short pause)

wife: "You bugger!"

The Rusky and the Kraut

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (a...

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My wife came into the bedroom and I said she wanted to have sex

I told her "no chance tonight I've got a headache" and rolled over.
She left the room and went downstairs.
She came back into the bedroom and started prodding me in the lower back with the hilt of a broom

I asked "why are you poking me with that"

She responded " this is what you ...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?

KA-BROOM!

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An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

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