UPJOKE
flowgushblushevenperfusecrimsonstricklereddenrushthrillbloomflowerirrigatedraincourse

Flush Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hella flush...

So you got $4000 rims on your '99 Civic? That's the same as great-grandma getting a boob job!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to piss in the shower to save the water from flushing

I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it’s not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I've never seen a royal flush.

Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

How is plumbing like poker?

How is plumbing like poker?

You can't have a full house and a straight flush at the same time.

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

Why did the superhero flush the toilet?

It was his duty!!!!

told to me by my 7yo son

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a hotel

A few years back, a feeder tournament for the World Series of Poker has attracted a lot of people to the town where it is being held, and every hotel in town is sold out. A guy without a reservation walks in and asks for a room. The desk clerk tells him “Sorry, but there are no rooms available. Due ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

Chuck Norris once flushed a condom

Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a kid I used to be scared of flushing toilets

I ended up having to face my fear because I didn't feel like dealing with this shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

What happens when the King leaves the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

He’s talking with Satan and says, “What a terrible place! It’s very hot, dark, smoky and extremely bad!”

Satan said, “Well, what did you expect? After all, this IS Hell!”

The engineer said, “Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the peanut family get flushed down the toilet?

Because they were pieces of shit

Everything's Big in Texas

A man walks into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes it's the largest he's ever seen.

"Why is this so huge?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well everything's big in Texas!"

Then the man orders a cheeseburger, and this too is e...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I flushed my fish down the toilet so he could die as he lived.

With me treating him like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How much money would it take for you to drink out of a non-flushed toilet bowl?"

"A shitload"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

Why does King Charles play poker in the bathroom?

Because nothing beats a royal flush.

Poker

So There's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The salesman is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well...

Never play poker with a toilet

They get too many flushes

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't flush the toilet.

I was bullied at school. They always stole my dinner money and gave me wedgies. One day they flushed my head down the toilet

It was then i decide to give up teaching

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took a shit a few minutes ago

When I told my friend, he said that it was “fucking disgusting” and that I should “put it back in the toilet and flush the goddamn thing”

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my p...

A Drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screa...

The battle between God and Satan.

An engineer dies and is accidentally sent to hell

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty p...

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He flushed the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everything is big in Texas

A guy walks into bar in Texas and orders a burger. The damn thing is almost 3 lbs with all the fixings.

He asks the bartender " this is the burger you offer?!?!"

Bartender says "yeah man everything is big in Texas"

He is in awe and can't help but wonder what a beer looks like i...

I always used to lick the bowl clean.

Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kate Upton & Kate Middleton compete in a popularity contest

Kate Upton goes first, she gets up on stage and undoes her blouse and starts shaking her tits up, down, and in all directions, the audience which consists of mostly men start cheering and going crazy, Kate Middleton then gets up on stage, sets a chair up, takes a seat and starts douching, the audien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

From my 9 year old: "What is the grumpiest thing on the beach?"

A crab.




Bonus from the 3 yo:

"What did the daddy toilet say to the little toilet?

Don't forget to flush yourself!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

What does the Royal familys toilet receive when they are finished with it

A royal flush. Get your dirty mind out of the gutter

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom was on a toilet when a phone rang

She was already finished so she said: "I'm gonna get it!"

I needed to use the toilet badly so I went in after her and noticed she forgot to flush. It wasn't a big deal, I just performed my needs and flushed for both of us.

When my mom found out that I flushed the toilet, she wasn't too...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.