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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

Me: so how do you guys get around?

DUMBLEDORE: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

ME: makes sense

DUMBLEDORE: fly a broomstick

ME: fun

DUMBLEDORE: flush a toilet and get sucked down into it.

ME: waitaminute... what?

DUMBLEDORE: bus

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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A catholic goes into confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest goes "what have you done?" "I have killed hundreds of baby's, and flushed them all down the toilet." Says the sinner The priest calls the police and says "officer we have another baby murder" and the officer goes "damnit father, how many times have I...

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

My friend dropped a pear into the toilet bowl

Friend: I’ll just flush it down, I’m too lazy to take it out and wash it along with my hands

Me: How do you know it’ll fit go down without getting stuck?

Friend: Don’t you know? A flush always beats a pear!

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

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What does Gambit say when he's just had a shit?

Well boys, I got a flush

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Flushes.

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(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

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Chuck Norris does not flush the toilet

Hes just scares the shit out of it.

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Why do blind people never flush?

Because they can't see shit.

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty

I lost my shit

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while...

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data

Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?

Me: Sure

I've had a bad day...

I've had a bad day.


Not only would the toilet not flush but I've been banned from the DiY store.

A boy walks out of the toliet and into the kitchen where his mum was baking a cake

He asked "can I lick the bowl mummy?" And the mother replied "no flush it like anyone else"

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

A kid walks out of the bathroom.

He sees his mom mixing up some cake batter. The kid says " hey mom, can I lick the bowl ? " The mom says "No !! . Flush it like everyone else."

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

A man returns home after a long day...

His wife asks him why he looks flushed.

"I was in a room, alone, and a man entered and promptly told me to take off my shirt. He began rubbing my shoulders with lotions. He leaned in real close and told me to take a deep breath. I hesitated, but he said I could trust him. Then he put all is w...

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

A Frenchman was visiting Texas for the first time and was staying at a nice hotel in Houston...

In the bar he sat next to a cowboy and couldn't help but notice the size of the burger the man was eating. "Mon dieu - how big is your burger! And your beer!". "Yeah, " said the Texan. "Everything in Texas is big. Our houses, our trucks, our horses, our wives. Even our generosity!" With that he boug...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

New bathroom

I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.

What a loo.

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I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

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I enjoy looking at my poop.

Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process.

Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the...

A police officer caught a man in possession of drugs.

The man, named Steve, claimed to be innocent.

Steve: "I have never bought cocaine in my life, they just appear in my pockets at random."

The police officer is suspicious and tells Steve to prove it.

Steve leads the officer to a public bathroom and then proceeds to flush the crac...

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

I was thinking of you today. I even made a sculpture of you.....

Then I flushed the toilet.

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I went to my new doctor today and was shocked that she was a young, drop dead gorgeous female...

She noticed immediately that I was flushed and embarrassed. She said “Don’t worry- I’m a professional. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will help you in any way that I can”.

I said “I think my penis tastes funny”.

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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day

St. Peter tells them that there is only room for one more today and ask why they should get in.

Dolly takes off her top and says “see these breasts? They are the best ones god ever created, surely they should be in heaven”

The Queen thinks for a moment and pulls out a bottle of Perrie...

I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

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I don't want to say my sex life is bad but...

...the only time my wife and i mix body fluids is if she doesn't flush before I pee.

My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The ...

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night....

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

Bob is pulled over by the police. A bag of drugs is found in his pocket.

Cop: Sir, do you know it's illegal to have drugs in your possession?

Bob: I'm sorry officer, but it's not my fault. I've tried numerous times to get rid of the drugs, but every time I flush them down the toilet, they always reappear in my pocket.

Cop: Ha, very funny. *proceeds to plac...

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I was really on my game today. Then the toilet clogged.

Now I'm all flush-turd.

Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush

\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

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Ok, you got me.

A drug raid is going on at a house in the suburbs. The cops kick in the door and spread out through the house. A DEA agent breaks open a bathroom door to find a man holding what appears to be a bag of coke over a toilet.

"Freeze, motherfucker!" The cop shouts.

"Ok, ok, you got me." T...

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The pope called child abuse “poop” in Ireland

Something that happens directly under him, everyday, that he tries to flush down the toilet, so that no one sniffs it out.

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

Every party should start with the Queen to take a dump.

The royal flush is higher than the full house.

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An agile replacement.

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how a...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. (NSFW)

Saint peter tells the three men that heaven is pretty crowded and they’re enforcing a new policy. Whichever of them has the most interesting death story will be allowed into heaven and the others will be sent to hell to prevent overcrowding.

Saint peter asks the first man how he died.
...

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my p...

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