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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

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I hate when people don't flush their poop

That shit gets old

My wife forgot to flush the other day

I‘m not taking „That won‘t fit“ as an answer anymore.

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

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Which one of you isn't flushing the school toilet?

I'm tired of your shit

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

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Why do blind people never flush?

Because they can't see shit.

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I'm so mean, I don't even have to flush the toilet!

I scare the shit out of it!

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

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Chuck Norris does not flush the toilet

Hes just scares the shit out of it.

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty

I lost my shit

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Grandpa passed away

Mom decided to break it gently to her 5 year old daughter.

Mom: Honey, grandpa has passed away and went to a happy place, just like what happened to your goldfish.

Granddaughter: Oh, so are we going to flush him down the toilet?

Kid: Mommy can I lick the bowl?

Mommy: don't be gross, flush it like everyone else.

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It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

Poker-playing dog

So there's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The guy is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well behav...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

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What’s the easiest way to clean a toilet?

Flush the shit out of it

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

A blind man visits texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks ...

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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from premature evacuation.

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

Everyone is buying so much toilet paper

I feel like it’s just flushing money down the toilet.

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

When using the bathroom I’ve adopted a two flush technique

One flush to - ya know - flush it down and another flush to wash my hands, it works a lot better than doing it all in one flush.

How can you tell if your toilet's been running?

It's flushed

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"How much money would it take for you to drink out of a non-flushed toilet bowl?"

"A shitload"

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

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As a kid I used to be scared of flushing toilets

I ended up having to face my fear because I didn't feel like dealing with this shit.

Is it just me or?

Do toilets always look a little flushed?

I've never seen a royal flush.

Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed the toilet.

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

My wife gets mad when I lick the bowl

"Knock it off! The kids are watching you for God's sake...

... Just flush it like a normal person!"

Why did the superhero flush the toilet?

It was his duty!!!!

told to me by my 7yo son

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Three men are using the bathroom at a bar.

The first man flushes and steps out of the stall, and says "My parent's were amish, so I only ever use two squares when I wipe my ass."

The second man flushes and meets him in the hall. "My parents were hippies. At burning man they used to get away with one."

The third man finishes, an...

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I flushed my fish down the toilet so he could die as he lived.

With me treating him like shit.

I was bullied at school. They always stole my dinner money and gave me wedgies. One day they flushed my head down the toilet

It was then i decide to give up teaching

my friend played poker at the castle

at some point, he had a sick hand

but he also had a sick stomach

he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet

he did not fret

he smiled

for either way,

it was a royal flush

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

Why does Karl Marx's toilet play music every time you flush it?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

Me: so how do you guys get around?

DUMBLEDORE: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

ME: makes sense

DUMBLEDORE: fly a broomstick

ME: fun

DUMBLEDORE: flush a toilet and get sucked down into it.

ME: waitaminute... what?

DUMBLEDORE: bus

Why did the little boy flush a pencil down the toilet?

Because it was a Number 2.

Chuck Norris once flushed a condom

Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

My friend dropped a pear into the toilet bowl

Friend: I’ll just flush it down, I’m too lazy to take it out and wash it along with my hands

Me: How do you know it’ll fit go down without getting stuck?

Friend: Don’t you know? A flush always beats a pear!

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A catholic goes into confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest goes "what have you done?" "I have killed hundreds of baby's, and flushed them all down the toilet." Says the sinner The priest calls the police and says "officer we have another baby murder" and the officer goes "damnit father, how many times have I...

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What does Gambit say when he's just had a shit?

Well boys, I got a flush

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

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(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data

Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?

Me: Sure

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

A kid walks out of the bathroom.

He sees his mom mixing up some cake batter. The kid says " hey mom, can I lick the bowl ? " The mom says "No !! . Flush it like everyone else."

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So I flushed my extra viagra down the toilet...

I haven't been able to close the lid in weeks.

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done.

Scared the shit outta me.

I've had a bad day...

I've had a bad day.


Not only would the toilet not flush but I've been banned from the DiY store.

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

A boy walks out of the toliet and into the kitchen where his mum was baking a cake

He asked "can I lick the bowl mummy?" And the mother replied "no flush it like anyone else"

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

He’s talking with Satan and says, “What a terrible place! It’s very hot, dark, smoky and extremely bad!”

Satan said, “Well, what did you expect? After all, this IS Hell!”

The engineer said, “Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?
<...

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

New bathroom

I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.

What a loo.

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I enjoy looking at my poop.

Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process.

Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

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