Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

What is it called when you kill your best friend ?

Homiecide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

#

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

If you kill a Disabled Guy...

Is it considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

What do you call road kill in Alabama?

Breakfast

Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021."

China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."

World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"

China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You ever play the game Fuck, Marry, Kill?"

"In real life, I've done two of those things."

"You were married?"

"No."

^(\*lovingly stolen from Myq Kaplan)

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is painstaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dolphins have been known to kill when they're sexually frustrated...

...I wonder if they're doing it on porpoise?

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

How did the mathematician kill himself?

With a hypote-noose

Since it’s my cake day, I thought I’d do an appropriate joke. Why did the coffee cake kill himself?

Because his life was so crumby!

I just read that drinking can kill you. So that's it for me.

No more reading.

If you kill a mermaid and steep its tail...

...does that make you gill-tea for murder?

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

I just killed a big spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, nobody steals my shoe.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

They say that curiosity kills the cat.

My childhood memories are ruined, now that i realized that Curious George is a cat killer

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?









Because when he asked them their favorite composer, they said Bach Bach bach

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

What did the ninja say when asked if he can kill a man with ninja stars?

Shuriken

Why should you never kill someone at the circus?

Because you'll be charged with murder within tent...

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

Why did the chicken kill himself?

To get to the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.

You tell both the lovely ladies they each look 7 pounds heavier.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird??

She threw it off a cliff.

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

So I killed an ant this morning,

but now my dad won’t stop crying about his sister’s funeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids was they're eating. Dad gives them a clue: " What does Mommy call me?" The little girl screams to her brother " Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian.

She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

How are they killing Covid in the North Pole?

Santa-tizing

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

Anyone out here want to help someone I know kill her husband?

Baskin for a friend.

It's not the fall that kills you

It's the sudden stop at the end

Before Abe Lincoln was killed, he wondered why he needed to be worried about it.

Then BANG. It hit him

They say that coronavirus kills you...

But we polled 25,000 Americans and not a single one had died! Who needs masks?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

His family sits down to eat and he knows both of his kids are picking eaters so he doesn’t tell them what it is. As they eat the kids keep asking what it is they’re eating. Finally the dad says “it’s what your mother sometimes calls me” The first kid looks up at the other as yells “spit it out it’s ...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.

Pun in 10 dead.

Your mama so stupid she tried kill herself in the garage with the car running...

Too bad she drives a Tesla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some female sheep with unwed parents killed Kenny!

Ewe bastards!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush

A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian

The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty

Did you hear the Irish are remaking Kill Bill?

It's called Injure Ginger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

I've been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me

Installing drywall is hard work.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

I killed every Jenna in the world.

I committed a Jennacide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”

The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! W...

How did those little Ewoks quickly make all those huge traps that killed so many stormtroopers and AT-STs?

Gather some bubs

Yell enough yubs

You'll see stormtroooper deaths numbering in the dubs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food kills a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake.

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

Would you ever kill a living being that shares blood with you? I would...

Those damn mosquitoes

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.

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