I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

To the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you and kill you.

You have my Word.

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

A pun walks in and kills 10 people...

Pun in, ten dead.

What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

A man killed his lifelong friend

He was charged with homiecide

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?

The Bartender

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Speeding doesn't kill anyone

Stopping suddenly does.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

How did the cop kill the KKK member?

By suicide

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

At the pharmacy, I asked if they had anything that kills the corona virus.

She said "ammonia cleaner."
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did hitler kill himself?

Because the gas bill was too high

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None

Why did Freddy Kruger kill Martin Luther King?

Cause he had a Dream.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I contemplated how to kill it

But then the cockroach slowly raised its wings.......

Are you abel to kill your brother?

I bet you cain't

In the days of Noah why did God kill all the sinners with the flood?

It was naughty cull.

A friend asked me if I would ever kill myself.

I said: Don't worry, it would be the last thing I'd do.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

I've been drinking to kill something inside me.

Apparently I succeeded, because my girlfriend tells me it smells like something died every time I fart.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

Today, my brother told me he'd hire a hitman to kill me.

As sad as it is, at least now I've got one person who cares about whether I'm alive.

What did the woodcutter say before getting killed by his son?

"I never expected this tree-son"

My dad finally woke up from his conspiracy theory and realized that cyanide couldn’t kill the coronavirus.

It was a hard pill to swallow

“Son, in Vietnam, I killed hundreds of people”

Son: But dad you also said you were just a shipwright

Dad: Never said I was a good one

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Did you hear about the civilian who killed an unarmed black man?

He was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

Road Kill

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on a highway this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT...

A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes

He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, a...

Who killed Bart?

The bartender

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are killed in a car accident and find themselves outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them at the gates and informs them that as they have devoted their life to his service, they get an automatic pass into heaven.

He does require however, for them to confess if they have ever touched a man on the penis before they enter.

All of the nuns start giggling. God a...

What’s it called when a shrimp kills other shrimp?

A krilling spree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

Kim Jong Un didn't kill himself.

It was fake noose.

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

Have you seen the horror movie about a bunch of campers that get killed?

It’s in tents.

Which virus killed the radio star?

Covideo

My friend told me that if i rickroll him one more time, he's gonna kill me

I guess we will both be XcQ-ted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.


His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"


"You'll see", he replies.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

JFK was killed before his second term in office.

He only got one shot.

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

What is it called when somebody kills their best friend?

Homiecide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DOROTHY: oh no my house killed someone!

**GLINDA:** it's ok, she fucking sucked

**DOROTHY:** who are you?

**GLINDA:** i'm a good witch

**DOROTHY:** ...a— are you sure?

**GLINDA:** Yup. now let's steal that dead bitch's shoes

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

How can we be certain the government is trying to kill us?

Because we keep living longer and longer, and everyone knows they can’t do anything right.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!

How many is a brazilian?

How do you know if you've killed a vegan?

## They'll tell you.

Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

Police are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roses are red, Sarah Palin is Alaskan, but she didn't kill her husband, unlike

Carole fucking Baskin

Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.

It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.

Did you hear about the guy who was killed by an Aston Martin?

He got vanquished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks...

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

I think I'm going to kill off the main character in my new book

I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little

Did you know piranhas can kill a child in 30 seconds?

Unrelated topic: I was fired from the aquarium today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

If Coronavirus doesn’t kill me...

All the ramen I’m eating in quarantine will

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I worked out how Coronavirus is going to kill me.

After weeks of confinement, my wife is going to club me for being a dick.

Goldilocks was killed last night

The killers did it with their own bear hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Mike Hughes flew a home-made rocket to prove the earth was flat and killed himself.

Wait what subreddit am I on?

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

How much did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents?

One Buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind guy who was killed by a man masturbating in a pennywise costume?

He never saw IT cumming.

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

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