UPJOKE
slaughterdispatchpoisonwipe outelectrocutedecimatesuicidedestroykillinghithomicidedeathslayassassinateeuthanasia

Kill Jokes

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

What's the only thing vegans are allowed to kill?

The conversation,

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

none

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a grenade

Then the grenade exploded.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

How does a nonbinary ninja kill people?

They slash Them.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and to...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Epstein didn't kill himself

Fake noose

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach"

What doesn't kill me...

Makes my life insurance company happier.

Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

How did Pythagorus kill himself?

With a Hypot-noose

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was 'really silly'?"

"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals

There were no Major causalties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 2 butts and kills people?

Assassin

How do you kill a root vegetable?

Cut it’s carroted artery.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

how do you kill a circus?

go for the juggler

What doesn't kill you...

...mutates and tries again.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

They say cows kill more people than sharks.

I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw his gas bill.

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you

You have my Word

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

How did the Latino kill 50 people at the same time?

I don't know. He must have had a locomotive.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

Oscar Pistorius was granted parole —10 years after killing his girlfriend. I was shocked.

I didn’t think ….he had a leg to stand on.

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.

A yogi killed a man in the park today...

Allegedly the man wouldn't let the yogi use their favourite spot for their yoga session.

They're calling it pre-meditative murder.

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.

Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself...

But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man kills a deer

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. I...

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...

...and then I saw her face...

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

Blue ice from an airplane restroom lands on the man who was about to kill me…

It was a Deuce Ex Machina.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.

He’s an exterminator

How do you kill a redneck ware wolf?

A silver mullet.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I killed an extraordinarily large mouse with a bat

Needless to say I’m no longer allowed at Walt Disney resorts no more

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.