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For my next trick I will disappear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

My hands disappeared mysteriously today.

I can't really point my finger at what caused it.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

I do a magic show where I make a bunch of marijuana and cocaine disappear.

Its all smoke and mirrors!

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

How do you make the number one disappear?

Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!

Never disappear.

They're very sensitive fruits.

My mother claims that raw fish keeps disappearing from our refrigerator

It's the Ghost of sushi, ma

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident...

an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.  "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

I can make anything disappear

I can make disappear

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says “You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am..” and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line “I think therefore I am” but if I had explained that...

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I watched a film by M. Night Shyamalan about a man with a disappearing penis.

Never saw it coming.

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

What do you call a walnut that has mysteriously disappeared?

AWOL nut.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

Trump wasn't lying about the coronavirus disappearing in April

He simply forgot to say 2021.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A Marine rowing a boat in the Atlantic Saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS, MARINE CORPS!”

God looks down upon it and see’s this.
God says “Well surely he wants to die, and I’m an asshole so I’m kill him but in a really roundabout way.”
God snaps his fingers and the marines brain disappears.
The marine keeps rowing, saying “1 2 3 4, MARINE CORPS!”
Then God is like “What the fu...

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

That was your greatest trick.

There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his ...

Why are bassists considered cowardly?

Because they disappear at the first sign of treble.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

Why did the Atlantians call Atlantis “The Fatherland”?

Because it disappeared...

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
‟Gentlemen,” the Devil started, ‟D...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days, but before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lon...

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

A man, a terrible worrier and procrastinator, is sitting with his doctor, anxiously discussing the results of a medical...

After an hour or more of waiting and hesitating and prevaricating and generally delaying the inevitable, finally the man draws a deep breath.

"Look doc - my chances - can't you tell me without telling me?"

The doctor looks at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Well," says the...

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

Three people are stranded in the desert

They stumble on a magic lamp. The genie comes out and says, “I will grant you each one wish.”

The first person says, “I wish I were on a private island with a jet and a fat bank account.” Poof! The person disappears.

The second person wishes to be back with family and friends. Poof! T...

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks if he wants a drinks. "I think not," Descartes says. And then he disappears.

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear...

Ahh Migraines!

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said...

... “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

They climbed down from their pedestals and shyly approached ea...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

After a decades long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

"What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?"
The employee is somewhat confused.
"Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened."

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says,

“My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

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What’s it called when you make a woman a knight, take her virginity and then disappear ?

A one knight stand

A man accompanied by his big ugly daughter was traveling on a lonely road when they were held by bandits and looted of his belongings.

As the bandits disappeared in the distance, he moaned to his daughter, “I’m ruined. In years I saved those ninety thousand dollars. All my other worldly possessions were in that leather suitcase. I lost everything.”

“Not everything, dad” The girl said coyly. “I saved the money.”

“What...

Friends are like snowflakes

They would disappear if you pee on them.

What do you call a jalapeño that disappears on you?

A ghost pepper

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Black.

So, he says, "Mrs. Black, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I need help making my wife disappear...

For a couple hours so I can plan a surprise night out for us!

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A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A 9yr old girl disappeared today after using moisturiser...

Well.. the bottle did say *"look 10yrs younger!"*

What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

\- Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

\- Peak Achoo.

Shortly after Mozart's death, all his music started disappearing but people couldn't figure out why.

Turns out he was just de-composing in his grave.

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Want Coffee

A Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Native American a tall mug of coffee, which he drinks coffee down in one gulp, turns and blast...

Why did all the MARVEL Netflix shows disappear?

SNAP!

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

What does a Mexican magician say when they make something disappear?

"NA-DAAAAA!"

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

Two men in the woods

Two old friends are walking through the woods, catching up after not seeing one another in a long time. After awhile they come upon a vast deep hole in the ground. Perplexed and inquisitive, they look for something to toss down. They find a rusted old anvil and shove it in. It disappears into the da...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

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Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Customer service

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait...

Problems are like Bible salesmen...

if you pretend that they are not there, sooner or later they disappear.

I heard they're making a Tetris movie...

They can't get the script done. Every time they write a line, it disappears.

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

"We call hard-drinking Ian an exorcist." "Why?" asks the bartender.

"When he shows up, all the spirits disappear."

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