UPJOKE
rinsewash outlaundercleanlaundrywash awaywash offcleansescrubhandwashsoakwetmoistenbatheflow

What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

Tide

Why did the prison escapee stop at the car wash?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!

A redneck woman goes into a store to get a new washing machine

The salesman, eager to score some commission, snaps into his pitch with a broad smile; "We can load it up and send it over to your house today, and you won't pay anything for six months!"

The woman suddenly gets angry and says, "Who the hell told you about me?!"

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

A guy walks into a bar.

There are three signs behind the bar.

One says “cheese sandwich - $5”.

The second says “chicken sandwich - $10”.

The third says “hand jobs - $25”.

The guy calls the bartender over and asks if she’s the one who gives the hand jobs. She says “yes”.

The guy throw...

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out the knickers

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

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I used to do drugs until some asshole dealer ripped me off with a gram of washing powder.

I've been clean ever since.

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

A Dad is washing the car with his son

The son asked "why can't you use a sponge?"

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer...

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

Ever since everybody started washing their hands...

The peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour.

Why do Alaskans wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out tide.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

What washes up on really small beaches?

Microwaves.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

A big hurricane came by and washed a beach away...

The sea rises by and says "Oy! Beach! Where's the rest of ya!?". The beach replies: "I'm not shore anymore."

Teacher: You should wash your face in the morning

"I can tell what you had for breakfast. You ate scrambled eggs"

Student; "Haha, you're wrong, sir. I ate eggs yesterday".

Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?

N’Sync

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

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I wash my hair with fake turds

Some call it shampoo

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex...

... they decide on a 'washing machine'.

Later in bed, that night husband says, "Washing machine."

Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."

Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."

Husband replies,

"Too late, it was on...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.

The Airman finishes up and heads out.

When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman.

“Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.”

The airman responds,

“In the Air Force, they teach us not to p...

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
...

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A biker walks into a bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, ...

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

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I confessed to my wife that I’ve been masturbating with her body wash

I figured it was time to come clean

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv?
- No.
- Did you take Harkiv?
- No
- What did you take then?
- A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

I need karma but here's a joke

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank

Cause they wash up on shore

[OC] What do you call it if I wash a classic Chevy and make a TV show about it?

The Fresh Rinse of Bel Air.

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

When I was growing up my Mum always use to wash my hair in lager

It wasn't until many years later that I realized I had been fostered......

I’m writing a book about an American who falls off a cruise ship and washes up on the shore of a land run by Satan-worshiping extraterrestrial lizard people.

I’m calling it “Gullible’s Travels.”

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

What does a woman wash with if she wants to put off male suitors?

Deter-gent.

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The great Foo Foo bird.

Three explorers were in the deep jungle and out of no where they hear Foo Foo and a big bird swoops down and craps on one of the guys heads. He curses and goes to a nearby stream and washes it off. Within seconds, he dies.

They decide to head back and again, they hear Foo foo. And the bird sw...

What's the most washed body part of 2020?

The brain...

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

How do elves wash their hands?

With Santa-tiser.


Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie

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As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick, leans against a wall and pukes. Some of it gets on his shirt and now the man worries that his wife will know he was a drunk mess tonight. But then he gets a bright idea and puts $20 in his shirt pocket. When he arrives home his wife looks at him and says, "look at you! did you puke on ...

I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring

I don’t know how I feel about it...

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

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I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

What do you call a toilet that washes your down under?

Bidet Mate!

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

If I offer to wash your back in the shower,

All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.”

None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

What is tiny and gets washed ashore?

A micro wave

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[NSFW] Jack visits a fetish club for the first time.

Jack, a man who is looking to explore himself hears about a wild fetish club where people can indulge in just about *anything.* He's a little nervous, but he finally talks himself into going just to see what it's all about.

When he gets there, Jack's immediately overwhelmed. The whole place s...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

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Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay?

Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.

My mom washed my wallet on accident.

Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

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Guy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and washes up on a desert island.

The only thing to eat are coconuts, from a single coconut tree on the other side of the island. However, there's a dog guarding the tree, and every time the guy climbs the tree to get a one, the dog bites him on the ass.

For ten months, the guy has to deal with the dog, whenever he wants to ...

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The very first joke I ever came up with (eight years old)

Q: What’s at the bottom of Bass Lake?

A: Bass turds.

......

Now that I’m 52, the aftermath is actually funnier than the joke. I told the neighbor kid, who told his little brother, who told his mother, who told his father, who told my father, who angrily explained to me what a ba...

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PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES.

this is not a joke I’m suffering!

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Did you know over 1 million wash basins are confiscated at the border every year for no reason?

Let that sink in...

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

Why should we wash our hands?

Because it's my cake day and I'm sharing. Wash your hands and grab some

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This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

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A doctor, a nurse and an orderly go to the bathroom together

after they are finished the doctor goes to the sink and washes both her hands all the way to the elbow

the nurse goes to the sink and washes one hand very thoroughly

the orderly stands there and watches them.

As they are leaving, the doctor says with an air of indignation, "In m...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

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Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

How do you brain wash a politician?

Give him an enema.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

When should you wash a stinky slinky?

During spring cleaning

When you treat a burn with topical cream but then you wash your hands:

“Man, now I have to do that Aloe Vera again”

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I Rocked my Stepsister’s World when she got stuck in the Washing Machine.

My ass got beat afterwards. Never turn on the Washing Machine when your Stepsis is inside...

A man was detained by police after leaving a dollar in his pants, which went through the wash.

He was arrested for money laundrying

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A study was made and 100 women were asked what body wash they prefered. 99% of them replied with:

Get the fuck out of my bathroom you pervert!

Lucky Number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the ...

I like to wash my dishes to the sound of music

I guess that makes me a tap dancer

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