Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

To me, perfect sex is like a car wash

You start by lining up right and going in slow and you finish when three Mexican dudes run up and furiously towel you off.

Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-Tide

You don’t really wash your hands

They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."

The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my chi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.

The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis." St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you ...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

I was in a restaurant restroom and couldn’t wash my hands

The rules were clear and were even posted right over the sink. An employee was supposed to do it but they weren't anywhere to be found.

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash

And call it "Knees & Toes"

The redneck had never been inside a hairdressing salon. “I’d like one of them fancy hairstyles please”, he said to the girl. “Sure”, she replied, “I’ll just have to wash your hair first”. She shampooed once, then started shampooing a 2nd time. “Hey you already done that”, he remarked...

“We always shampoo twice”, was her reply, “and now I use a conditioner as well”. The redneck was blown away by all this fancy treatment. “Are you gonna do it again too?”, he asked. “No”, she explained, “I’m only doing this on one condition”.

Why did Christopher Robin have to wash his hands?

He’d been playing with Pooh all day.

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

Always wash your hands after jacking off.

That way, when you’re fingering your sister later, you won’t get her pregnant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the car wash with my mom and little brother

When i was about 8 years old, I was at the car wash with my mom and little brother. We were sitting on a bench outside with the car washing process still in view. I saw signs that said they do paint jobs as well. I though that it was pretty cool. So they start drying down the car by blowing it with ...

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So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2...

So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2.... A few days after washing up onshore, the American is gazing over at the neighbouring island and spots a Japanese soldier staring back at him.

The American tries shouting out to the man but d...

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

How many blondes does it take to wash a car?

Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and forth.

A man goes into a car wash with a semi truck and comes out in a pickup truck

Everyone was confused what happened and they all asked the man what he thought had happened to his truck. He simply shrugged and said, “What can I say, it shrunk in the wash.”

Got approached by a prostitute today who said she would do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

What does a Jedi use to wash their hands?

The Forcet

I hate people who don't wash their hands

They make me sick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives ...

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

[Slinky] When should you wash a stinky slinky?

During spring cleaning

My dalmatian got away from me and ran through a car wash.

Now he's spotless.

What do you call a nun who has a history or ruining her clothes in the wash?

A bad habit.

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

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[Long] How do I wash my pet?

A man walks into a pet store, "My son is moving into college and now me wife has to take care of his pets. She don't even know how to clean them!"

"Worry not sir. Washing your pets is one of the easiest things in the world. All you have to do is bring it to a tub, and wash it with some bubb...

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

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An Army soldier and a Marine are pissing at urinals next to one another. When the Army soldier finishes he zips up and heads towards the door. The Marine says, "in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."

As the Army soldier reaches for the door, he turns over his shoulder and says, "in the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that ou...

How does a Jedi wash their clothing?

With midi-chlorine bleach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.

*thunderous applause*

An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

Why don't upper class men wash their own clothes?

Because the washing powder is a deter-gent.

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most people use shampoo to wash their hair...

but I like to go all natural and just use poo. None of that fake shit.

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money.

I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.

What does John Cena wash his hair with?

Champ who?

Top-down is the right way to wash just about anything...

...but apparently not convertibles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first thing I do in the shower is wash my asshole.

Just wanna get that shit out of the way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wash-Up

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily ex...

I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat.

They found me passed out in the shower four days later.

So they're making a Hulk body wash...

You apply it with a Loofah Rigno.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A porn star comes running up to a laundromat just as it's closing, offering to trade sex so she can wash her clothes. [nsfw]

She just wanted to get one more load in.

A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns!

Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport.
After they get in a car the wife asks:
"Whats wrong? You haven't spoken a word since you came"
and the husband replies:
"I'm waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air"

It was pretty funny when I was s kid!

How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?

One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

What’s the difference between Kim Kardashian and a colored wash?

Whites occasionally get inside a colored wash.

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...