I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburger: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter.

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars.<...

We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred:

99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

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I wash my hands before I go to the toilet

I like to keep my shit clean

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Three men wash up on a island populated by an ancient tribe.

The tribe leader brings the men to the center of the tribe village, and instructs them to harvest 20 of the same fruit and return before sundown.

The first man returns with 20 bananas.

“Now.” Said the Tribe leader. “Stick each banana up your arse whilst maintaining a straight face. Do ...

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Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead.

I have a sham-poo

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A couple walks into a pharmacy looking for anal wash

"Do you guys have an asshole douche?"

They all point to the manager.

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

How many woks would an ewok wash if ewoks could wash woks?

All of them,till the Endor time!

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team in Washington state was tracking the migrations of crows. They trapped a number of crows, tagged them with the code WASH. BIOL. SURV. together with a box number, and released them.

Some weeks later they received a letter from an up-country farmer, reading as follows...

Do you wash your clothes, or worsh your clothes?

I asked my friend this last night and he looked me dead in the face and said


The only thing I worsh... Is my cestershire.

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To me, perfect sex is like a car wash

You start by lining up right and going in slow and you finish when three Mexican dudes run up and furiously towel you off.

Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold out-Tide

I worked in the restaurant business a really long time and people always said I should wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I usually didn’t.

But you know what, I never got sick from it.

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A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

I was in a restaurant restroom and couldn’t wash my hands

The rules were clear and were even posted right over the sink. An employee was supposed to do it but they weren't anywhere to be found.

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4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."

The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my chi...

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

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Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.

The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis." St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you ...

You don’t really wash your hands

They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch

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Got approached by a prostitute today who said she would do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

Always wash your hands after jacking off.

That way, when you’re fingering your sister later, you won’t get her pregnant.

A man goes into a car wash with a semi truck and comes out in a pickup truck

Everyone was confused what happened and they all asked the man what he thought had happened to his truck. He simply shrugged and said, “What can I say, it shrunk in the wash.”

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So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2...

So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2.... A few days after washing up onshore, the American is gazing over at the neighbouring island and spots a Japanese soldier staring back at him.

The American tries shouting out to the man but d...

How many blondes does it take to wash a car?

Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and forth.

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A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

What does the president wash his hands with when he first enters office?

Turmoil

What does a Jedi use to wash their hands?

The Forcet

I hate people who don't wash their hands

They make me sick

My dalmatian got away from me and ran through a car wash.

Now he's spotless.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

[Slinky] When should you wash a stinky slinky?

During spring cleaning

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Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives ...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

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[Long] How do I wash my pet?

A man walks into a pet store, "My son is moving into college and now me wife has to take care of his pets. She don't even know how to clean them!"

"Worry not sir. Washing your pets is one of the easiest things in the world. All you have to do is bring it to a tub, and wash it with some bubb...

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

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Go to the car wash after driving in the mud and no one bats an eye....

Go to the dentist right after eating oreos, and suddenly you're an asshole?

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An Army soldier and a Marine are pissing at urinals next to one another. When the Army soldier finishes he zips up and heads towards the door. The Marine says, "in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."

As the Army soldier reaches for the door, he turns over his shoulder and says, "in the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.

*thunderous applause*

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

How does a Jedi wash their clothing?

With midi-chlorine bleach.

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that ou...

Why don't upper class men wash their own clothes?

Because the washing powder is a deter-gent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

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TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

How Does Sean Connery Wash His Dishes?

Like a Bosch!

What does John Cena wash his hair with?

Champ who?

Just got my free yearly car wash

Thanks California!

Top-down is the right way to wash just about anything...

...but apparently not convertibles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first thing I do in the shower is wash my asshole.

Just wanna get that shit out of the way.

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Wash-Up

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily ex...

I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat.

They found me passed out in the shower four days later.

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