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I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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I used hydraulic press to squeeze my semen

You can call it a cumpressor.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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Did you know that Uranus can fit 63 earths?

Relax and we could probably squeeze in 64

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$10

So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it.

She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money."

He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?...

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Condom Shopping

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him t...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

What happens when you squeeze a smurf?

You papa smurf!

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

I was playing the squeeze box and a policeman told me to stop, so I acted accordioningly.

\*boom tish\*

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be se...

A kid is with his mom at the checkout lane at a store...

All of a sudden a fat guy gets in line, so huge he can barely squeeze his way through the lane. The kid starts tugging on his mom's shirt and loudly exclaims "mommy mommy look there's a fat guy!" And the mother quickly hushes the child.

Then some time goes by, and the fat guy has an alarm se...

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

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Squeeze

The local barkeep was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many peop...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue?

Juice!

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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What does Harry Potter say when he is trying to squeeze out a poo?

Expellianus.

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At the cocktail party,

A guy who is visibly drunk, stumbles over to the hostess.

"Scuse me, madam, I dare say, do lemons have wings?"

The hostess looks at the man for a moment, says.

"No sir, I do believe not. But what makes you think that?"

The man stares at the hostess for a while, pondering ...

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

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A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

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(Original) did you know that if you squeeze one of your balls hard enough you'll cum?

Because sooner or later you'll bust a nut

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

“Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

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Why did the Nazi refuse to drink the fresh squeezed o.j.?

Because he prefers his juice concentrated.

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

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As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car....

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

My doctor said I need freshly squeezed orange juice everyday

I cannot concentrate!

A man goes to the doctor

**He says:** "doctor, when I rub my belly, it hurts.

When I press on my chest, it hurts more.

When I squeeze my neck, it is unbearable.

Do you know what I have doctor?"

**Doctor: "**Yes sir. Your finger is broken"

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

A balloon animal!

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

...

I caught a 450 lb catfish the other day

That’s gotta be a record! She was squeezed into yoga pants at the end of the bar.

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

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Two deaf people get married

and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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A guy goes to confess...

A guy goes to confess...
"Father, yesterday I've been with 5 different woman."
"Squeeze 20 lemons and drink the juice" says the priest.
"This will free me from my sins?"
"Absolutely not, but it will take away that shit-eating grin from your face."

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says “you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow”
She reaches down between his legs and says “yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand”.

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A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desper...

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A man wakes up one morning to find. . .

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he searches google and sure enough the top result is for a “gorilla remover”. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 5 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He proceeds to ...

What’s the difference between an engine and my girlfriend?

An engine can suck, squeeze, bang, blow, but my girlfriend can’t as she doesn’t exist.

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

How do you milk a ghost?

Squeeze their BoOoOoOoOoOoOobs!

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At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

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My sister and I were both in a biology class.

She sat to right of me, while the door was to the left of me. The professor asked “what is it called when one cell divides into two cells?”. No one answered, which meant he would call out on someone. My sister didn’t want to answer the question so she tried to squeeze her way to the exit through the...

Why does a fat man when squeezed compliment the ladies?

Because the pressure makes him flatter.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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(NSFW) Three men and a bed

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep. 
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the crazie...

A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he c...

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

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Damnit Oscar!

So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal.

Being nervous, the mans stomach is turnin...

Confession

There once was a woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

T...

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How do you tell if your wife is faking it?

Next time during sex. Grab her by the nipples and squeeze.



Whatever sound she subsequently makes is genuine.

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Old Pekka was walking downtown...

When he saw a young, beautiful lady with large breasts, Pekka walked up to the girl and since nobody was around he asked if he could squeeze them, the woman promptly said ’No!’, he then offered to pay a thousand dollars to which she again replied, ’No.’. Pekka who was getting desperate offered 2000 ...

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At a local college dance,

a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, w...

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

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There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he a...

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

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This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

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How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



How do you kill a pink elephant?


You squeeze its balls until it turns blue, then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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[NSFW] A drunk guy staggers into a bar and orders a beer.

He goes up to the barman and shouts, "Wow! There are A LOT of hot women in here".

Filled with Dutch courage, the guy says, "I bet you 50 bucks I can go up to any hottie in here, squeeze her boobs, slap her ass and still get her number!"

The barman agrees and they put their money under ...

I was sitting in my truck in the parking lot

watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...

I honked my horn.

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of severe headaches.

They try several treatments, but none work.

One day, the doctor says, "I know this will sound crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. Just as she was about to climax she would squeeze my head really hard with her thighs, and my hea...

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For my wife’s birthday, I wanted to have her name tattooed on my penis .....

The tattoo artist said “ I might be able squeeze in her initials”

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The post man's last day....

A beloved postman announces his retirement. As he is walking his rounds in a picturesque, tree-lined neighborhood, he is greeted at one of the doors by a young, pretty woman. She is wearing a fairly short, sexy robe and invites him in.



Once inside she leads him to the kitchen table w...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

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