Wipes Jokes - 23 Hilarious Wipes Jokes

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

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Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Always remember, it takes 2 wipes to know you need 3...

But 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

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The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

A möbius strip walks into a bar, distraught and crying

The bartender says “Oh no, Möbius Strip! Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Pull up a chair and tell me what’s wrong”

The mobius strip sit down, wipes it’s eyes and says “WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!”

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip o...

Do you think Santa wipes from the front or the back?

I don't know, but I bet he checks it twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the .

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world. So, he hops into his car and starts driving. He's cruising down the highway when suddenly, his car starts making strange noises, and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood.
Panicked, the penguin manages t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

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Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his .

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