UPJOKE
absorbsucklebreastfeeddrawimbibenursewet-nursetake insuctionsuck upswallowgulpsuckingblowsoak up

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

what illness do you get from sucking too many toes?

Diafeeties

Haha

Why does Russian football suck?

Because they're constantly moving the goal posts.....

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She said, "YES!! I'll marry you."

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What do you call a chick that doesn’t suck dick?

You don’t

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

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Finally found a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb...

I drew a cock on it.

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

Did you hear Timon and Pumbaa caught Simba sucking himself off?

He had to swallow his pride on that one.

Next year is going to suck like 2020

Because it's just 2020 too

The 3 g’s that I suck at

Now I am decent at other things but there’s the 3 g’s that I suck at which are geometry, geography, and the g-spot.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Why do vigilante parties suck?

Because just ice is served.

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

Disney / Star Wars crossovers suck.

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

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what's the hardest part about having sex with a monkey?

training it to suck your dick without peeling it

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things w...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must suck…

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

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John and Jack go hiking in the woods

Two best friends, John and Jack, decide to go for a hike in the woods. Halfway into their hike, Jack has to pee and goes behind a tree. After a few moments John hears Jack screaming his head off and rushes to go help him.

John finds Jack laying on the ground grabbing his crotch screaming, wit...

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

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I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

What can you do if every single day sucks?

Marry those days and I guarantee the sucking will stop.

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Why did the vaccum cleaner stop sucking?

It got married.

Why do tennis players suck at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

I think floors suck...

But what do I know? I'm a ceiling fan.

If you're funny but you suck at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

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Thats it,I can't take much anymore. I'm divorcing my wife. First it was some guy in a drunk party,then it was her ex-bf, her boss, my best friend, some Uber driver and even her stepbrother..

I just can't stop sucking cocks.

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly every day sucks

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

I ain't never seen anyone get their dick sucked by a piano.

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

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Being constipated sucks

Worst part is you can't do shit about it

Liberace is really good at playing piano…

…but he sucks on the organ.

Four reasons why it would suck to be an egg.

1. You get laid only once.
2. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
3. It takes 3 minutes to get hard.
4. You come in a box with eleven others.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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Asks to speak to the manager...

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.

She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in h...

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 5 years, your job still suck

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I've got a conspiracy that NASCAR fucking sucks...

It's my critical race theory.

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There are 3 Vampires hanging out in the woods…

The first vampire tells the other 2 “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After that, the firs...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What has seven arms, eight legs, and sucks?

Def Leppard.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

What sucks but doesn’t suck at the same time

A broken vacuum cleaner

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

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I told my buddy I was getting married.

I told my buddy I was getting married and he said, "Welp, no more blowjobs for you."

And I said, "Really dude?! Wow... Just because I'm getting married you're not gonna suck my dick anymore?!"



Source: Rob Stant

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What's a blonde do to a cock before she sucks it?

Plucks the feathers.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anythi...

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

God, this orgy sucked...

Nobody came!

A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me at a bar last night.

On a completely unrelated note, I really suck at darts.

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

What did the hippie say when they weren't high?

This music sucks!

Do you know what your momma and a vacuum cleaner have in common?

Turn them on and they'll suck.

The meaning of "politics"

The word "politics" derives from the Greek "poly-", meaning "many", and "ticks", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".

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Hotdog sucks

Al and Bob, two drunkards with no money came up with an idea to get drunk. Al says “Let’s go to the bar and order couple shots and as soon as we get our shots we slam them. I’ll unzip my pants and hold this hotdog, then you jump on your knees and start sucking on it. When the bartender sees us he’ll...

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I’m dating a linguist at the moment.

I’m like: “Yeah, suck it good, bitch!”
She says: “Suck it _well_!”

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Decided to visit my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

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It's the 50th wedding anniversary for this elderly couple. The wife says. "Honey what did you think the first time you laid eyes on me? He says "I thought, wow. I want to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out!" She says..

"What do you think now"
He replies.. "I think I did a pretty good fucking job!"

A Math Lesson

This is my first post here, so I am not sure if this has been told. Either way, here goes it.

Class was in session and a teacher was instructing a math lesson. During her math lesson she said there were 3 birds on a powerline. She then asked the class, "If you take a shotgun, shoot and hit 1 ...

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

I know a real nerd, and even though he's given up his interest in farm machinery, he still sucks the atmosphere out of the room.

He's an ex-tractor fan.

My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

What do women and engines have in common?

They both Suck, Squeeze, Bang, and Blow

What’s the difference between my Wife and my Reddit account?

After nine years…..

Reddit still sucks…

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

Bubba and Roy were hiking through the forest when Roy suddenly had the urge to take a leak.

He unzips his pants and by the time a good stream started, a rattlesnake popped up out of the grass and bit Roy right on the head of his pecker.

Roy stumbled away and screamed for Bubba, who came running over. Roy quickly explained what had happened and the shocked Bubba grabbed his phone and...

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I was at a party where everyone was lined up to get punch. I thought about making a joke, but I just sucked their dicks instead.

I always blow the punchline.

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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

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Yeah, I suck.

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

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Rich guy in a high end bar.

So a very wealthy man walks into a bar he frequents due to the fact it's only for the most wealthy patrons. One night he goes in and he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen decked out in the finest diamonds mixed with other precious gemstones throughout. He approached her and buys her a...

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You know what sucks the most about being a democrat in a republican household?

If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself

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