This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

A teenager got suck in well.

He calls 911.

Boy: 911?

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Boy: I'm stuck in a well.

Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?

Boy: im14andthisisdeep.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock.....

is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it was not cremated with the rest of him.

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

This sucks, 2022 is going to be terrible

Because 2022 is 2020, too

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a girl who can sing and suck a dick at the same time hold in her hand?

Glass eye

Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

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Gay people suck

It sure does feel nice though.

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a chick that don’t suck dick?

You don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

The rapture will suck

Let's be honest, no matter what it's gonna be like, people will just be standing around and complaining that the book was better.

You know what really sucks?

My new vacuum cleaner

If you suck at playing the trumpet...

...that's probably why.

My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.

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My girlfriend asked me to suck on her toes, but I want to suck on her boobies. I told her that I have only one strict rule:

Never accept defeat

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night

when a robber with a ski mask bursts in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "O...

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume.

She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car. Think I'll still get it?

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Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

Why do colourblind people suck at dating?

Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship

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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not that many people suck at sex.

But those who do suck, blow.

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another blowjob joke.

I was in the pub with my mates and we started talking about sex. They all started taking the piss out of me because I didn’t know what a ‘blowjob’ was. Later that night, me and the wife started getting frisky and I suddenly found the courage to ask her if she knew what a blowjob was, but she just go...

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

It sucks having to stay away from my girlfriend.

Not because of social distancing, she has a restraining order on me.

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

I suck at whistling.

That's probably why.

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I’in the heat of the moment, I told my girlfriend she sucked at blowjobs!

And she responded “That’s the whole point idiot”.

they have a Roomba now that can clean stairs

which sucks on so many levels

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What do you call a rock monster sucking dick while perched atop a cathedral?

Garglegoyle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say about a girl who only sucks average size penises?

She sucks a mean dick...

I have sychic powers.

For eg. right now you are thinking I suck at spellings, it’s psychic

God wanted to make sure that every man would get sucked at least once in his life

So he created mosquitoes

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

... but you're just suck in a timeloop.

What if there are no reposts...

What do you call a communications engineer who is timely but sucks at their job?

Someone who makes dead lines.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

I got my friend a new set of arrows, but he said they looked like they sucked

I told him not to knock it until he nocks it.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

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Finally got my cock sucked!!

And then I killed the mosquito.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Anal"tomy

On the first day of their anatomy class, first year medical school students gathered around the surgery table with a real dead human body. The teacher started the course by telling them, “If you really want to become a doctor, you have to have 2 important qualities: The first is that you have to be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to quit sucking cocks.

I kept choking on the feathers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a donkey vacuum.

It sucks ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

What's the difference between a mosquito and a submissive woman?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Otherwise

You might think this post sucks.
But the title says otherwise

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter the bowl of nuts says he has a nice suit when he asks the bartender why they can talk, he says that they are complimentary

well, that joke SUCKED

Mosquitos suck

No really, they do

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian Joke

Russian policeman pulls over flashy new Bentley. Tinted window rolls down and cop sees an average woman is inside. Yet, she's wearing expensive jewelry and fur. She opens her wallet and instead of her paperwork, crumples up few $100 notes and throws them into cop's face. "There, now fuck off and let...

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"

One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men go camping

One of them has to take a leak. He ccomes back and says "A snake bit my dick".
The other one calls the ambulance and the doctor on the phone says "You have to suck the venom out"
The friend asks "So what's gonna happen"
The other one says "You're gonna fucking die"

People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You all suck.

I hate everyone in this sub-reddit you all are a bunch of scared little bitches feel free to go ahead and toilet paper my house.

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi...

My fan sucks

Why won't it blow?

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have $10,43 right now.

I am a pessimist

Pessimism sucks

If at first you don't succeed

Then suck another seed.

[close Reddit] gosh this website sucks!

**[2 mins later reopening Reddit]** maybe it's good now though

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