The 68+ Best Suck Jokes

What's something long and hard that you suck on

A candy cane!

They say women suck at math but idk

Every woman I’ve met told me you can’t round 3 inches up to 6

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Why does it suck being a seismologist?

It's all shift work and there's no stability.

Q. What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Baby, darling, honey…

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 2 years the job still sucks

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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I bought a car after reading a review that said, "This car sucks dick."

I was diassapointed to find out it doesn't

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

I decided to give up complaining for Lent.

It sucks.

As a door to door salesman, you never want to hear people say that your product "really sucks."

Unless you're selling vacuum cleaners.

Ba dum tiss.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A man walks into a bar.

He sucks at limbo.

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A carer was doing her rounds in the care home

When she passed the room of Mrs Phillips. Glancing in as she passed, she saw Mrs Phillips sucking on her husbands penis. Hurrying in, she said:

"Mrs Phillips, you can't do that!"

"Why not? I enjoy it." Mrs Phillips replied.

"Yes." Said the nurse, "but it was meant to be buried w...

Count Von Count is the best vampire.

Other vampires suck.

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def leppard

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

Accordions are the worst instruments.

They suck and blow.

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Being fat and single sucks

My clothes have more X's than porn URL's

Two rednecks went to the beach

The younger of the two said "This sucks, man! None of the girls are even noticing me!"

His older friend said "I tell you what- maybe if you put a sock in your swim trunks, that would help get you some more attention."

So the younger boy went to the changing room and adjusted his swimw...

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She said, "YES!! I'll marry you."

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

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What does it mean if you're gullible about dick jokes?

You're a sucker.

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The sausage trick

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pan...

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"Golden Years" my arse

She's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ...

What’s 3 inches long and hasn’t been sucked in 10 years?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe

One day, my dad found me crying and he told me to "suck it up."

I have to admit, it's a better strategy for dealing with split milk.

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I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

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I've recently caught my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

best bit about having a baby

The best thing about having a baby is that you can tell them "you suck" for an entire year and be scientifically accurate

I'm really frustrated with this faulty vacuum cleaner.

It would suck less if it sucked more.

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

There was a man who was in love with tractors

He really loved his tractors, he had tractor posters on his walls, dvds about tractors, he owned a lot of tractors…this man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors, his lovely wife. One day she was out in the fields and she got crushed by a tractor, she was squ...

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Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a cock on it.

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

Finally finished my chemotherapy!

Cancer can go suck my ball

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

Why does Russian football suck?

Because they're constantly moving the goal posts.....

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A guy goes to prison

A guy goes to prison for tax evasion and fraud. When he arrives at his cell, he finds that his cellmate is this huge, mean-looking dude. The new guy nervously smiles at his new cellmate and looks around awkwardly.

The big dude then says “You wanna play mamas and papas?”

“Errrmmm…. no ...

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A pickle, a cucumber, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad."

The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten."

The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they thro...

Next year is going to suck like 2020

Because it's just 2020 too

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

Two rednecks went out duck hunting

After several hours one said to the other "Hey man; this sucks! How come we aint gettin' any ducks?"

And the second said "I 'unno man, maybe we aint throwin' the dog high enough!"

An American man is traveling in Sweden. NSFW

He goes to the local bar one night and picks up a tall, beautiful Swedish lady. They go back to his hotel and start making out. They French kiss deeply, he pulls back and says “In America, we call that a Strawberry Sundae!” She responds “Yah, shuure, vee do too.”

He proceeds to undress her a...

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Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

I bought a CD at a yard sale for 5 cents...

I listened to it at home and it sucked.

I went back to the yard sale and I said "Give me my nickel back!". They said, "We already did."

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

The only female that sucked my dong since years

has 2 wings and is a mosquito

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

2 guys crossing the desert on a camel

All of a sudden the camel falls from exhaustion. One guy says "what are we gonna do?" His friend says "see that big puddle over there? We will drag him up there I will hold his head in the puddle and you suck on his behind try and get water in his stomach." So they drag the camel to the puddle. ...

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Surprise visit to my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

Why do tennis players suck at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

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