UPJOKE
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Suck Jokes

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you a mean

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands .

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation ...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't ...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to , they often want to my just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a to at this time of night?

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you a mean .

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

What's something long and hard that you on

A candy cane!

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I took sucking class in college and got an F

I sucked so hard at it.

Why does it being a seismologist?

It's all shift work and there's no stability.

Working at home ...

....if you’re a firefighter.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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Wearing crocs is like getting your sucked by a man.

Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.

What do you call a lotion that at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and .

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

People always told me I would at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who now!

A teenager got in well.

He calls 911.

Boy: 911?

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Boy: I'm stuck in a well.

Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?

Boy: im14andthisisdeep.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's .

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

What do you call a woman who can a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

What do you say to a person, who is about to on an ape's ?

Bon appetit

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

French vampires don’t your blood.

They sacrebleu!

Why do Americans at DOTA2 ?

because they are bad at defending towers ✈️✈️ 🏢 🏢

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My friend said his pride ends at 250k to a .

I’d argue it’s when it begins.

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I recently learned how to my own ...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

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There are two types of men in this world. Men who have tried to their own

And liars.

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the -sucking, mother- boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken manager of this joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

If you at playing the trumpet...

...that's probably why.

My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I . What am I?

pear

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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to be this guy...

There is this guy who has a 25 inch . He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods...

At the bar last night, a woman got her pierced right in front of me

On a related note, I at darts

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Would you a for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

what's the difference between a job and a wife after six years?

A job still

Why does /r/fencing so bad?

Half of it is ripostes

It must being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

God, this sucked...

Nobody came!

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”


“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

What but doesn’t at the same time

A broken vacuum cleaner

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Being constipated

Worst part is you can't do about it

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When 2 people have it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 m...

Next year is going to like 2020

Because it's just 2020 too

Why did life as a professional combatant in the middle ages ?

Because you had knight shift every day.

A man walks into a bar.

He at limbo.

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to your brains out and your dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger ()

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can your and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

Why does Russian football ?

Because they're constantly moving the goal posts.....

I think floors ...

But what do I know? I'm a ceiling fan.

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Being fat and single

My clothes have more X's than URL's

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Getting old

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 , I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

Most vampires at maths

unless you Count Dracula

I asked my girlfriend to the life out of me and leave me dry...

She said, "YES!! I'll marry you."

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

The 3 g’s that I at

Now I am decent at other things but there’s the 3 g’s that I at which are geometry, geography, and the .

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my school life .

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

Why do tennis players at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

Why do vigilante parties ?

Because just ice is served.

What has 7 arms and ?

Def leppard

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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Yeah, I .

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

You know what ?

Negative Pressure

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day .

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book ! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life ?

Answer:
1. Life
2. Job
3. Wife doesn't

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Life of a chef must .

All your work eventually turns to .

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I telling jokes..

Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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Hotdog

Al and Bob, two drunkards with no money came up with an idea to get drunk. Al says “Let’s go to the bar and order couple shots and as soon as we get our shots we slam them. I’ll unzip my pants and hold this hotdog, then you jump on your knees and start sucking on it. When the bartender sees us he’ll...

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Gay people

It sure does feel nice though.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Why don’t vampires on the British?

Because they taste like hell

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my or I’m you in the . I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Why do "nice guys" at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

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I bought a car after reading a review that said, "This car ."

I was diassapointed to find out it doesn't

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Life .

That's probably why most people choose to be dicks...

I at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a . She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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What do you call it when a woman on the balls of a crazy person?

A nut job

Why do Americans at calculus?

White people have never been good at integration.

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

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You all .

I hate everyone in this sub-reddit you all are a bunch of scared little feel free to go ahead and toilet paper my house.

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Why did the vaccum cleaner stop sucking?

It got married.

A Sesame Street treat...[this joke ]

"Ernie, do you want some ice cream?"

"Sherbert."

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump ” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Disney / Star Wars crossovers .

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

The only thing my wife

Is the fun out of everything

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to on i...

The rapture will

Let's be honest, no matter what it's gonna be like, people will just be standing around and complaining that the book was better.

some people seed to succeed

is it D’s that get degrees?

this entered my brain like a week ago, and i can’t stop repeating it to myself.
it is still plaguing my mind

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I've got a conspiracy that NASCAR ...

It's my critical race theory.

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

Why do rats at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

If you're funny but you at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

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The only reason your girlfriend likes to your .....

.....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

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I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter?

Dude 1 : they all did.

The only female that sucked my dong since years

has 2 wings and is a mosquito

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A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.

When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do ...

Why do you blow in a trumpet?

Because it sounds better if you don't .

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't a for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

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I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a ' minute"

(*LONG*) A 6 year old girl wouldn’t stop sucking her thumb, much to the chagrin of her mother.

After trying everything she could think of, the mother, in a moment of exasperation, finally told her: “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, you’re going to blow up like a balloon!!”

Somehow this scared her daughter enough that she stopped sucking her thumb.

Several weeks later, they...

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Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a on it.

One day, my dad found me crying and he told me to " it up."

I have to admit, it's a better strategy for dealing with split milk.

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably it as well.

... but you're just in a timeloop.

What if there are no reposts...

i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

Why does it to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must …

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

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Penguin

I asked a prostitute for but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin '.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

Man: "Aww geez, my life !"

Narrator in Hiroshima: *It was about to get a whole lot worse*

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