A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really but the desire will "disappear"."

My girlfriend has all the traits I desire.

In an ex.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!". He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

I always thought that once you find true love, no-one in this world can stop you from getting close to your desire.

But those guards at the Jewelry exhibition think differently.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight m...

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

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What's the difference between a perverse sexual desire and hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi?

One's hentai

The other's ten hi

A businessman walked into a bar, and upon entering, found a old bearded man holding a 10 foot bick.

The businessman immediately approached the man, curiouslyasking, "I see that you have a bick, where did you get it from, and how do you have it now?"

The old man laughed for a while and afterwards replied, "I have a magic genie, which would grant me any wish I desire. Anything. All I had to d...

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

A Manchester United fan, Liverpool fan and an Everton fan were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia....

An Everton fan, a Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip....

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

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Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no sexual desires, they are put in a room naked and bells are placed on the end of their penises...

The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely naked and the test begins.

This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul’s bell rings,

Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that ...

The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah...

The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah was always depicted in wooden carvings with nothing on from the waist down (except sandals), much to the distress of Christian missionaries who served there. Their urging of the locals to cover the statute’s lower half devolved into piteous begging as they tried t...

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Four nuns at the pearly gates

In heaven, four nuns are queueing outside the pearly gates.

St Pete says: "If your entire body is pure, you are welcome, no further questions asked."

First nun in line: "There was this naughty abbot in the monastery... one time he exposed himself and... well... overcome with desire I t...

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

Three friends are shipwrecked on a desert island

After days of despair, one of them stumbles across a lamp and shows it to the others. They rub it and sure enough a genie appears.



**"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP, AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"**



The first friend immediately declares "I wish I was at home with my fa...

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look...

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”

The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.

The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is show...

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

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Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."

The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash up to his neck. Bag...

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

A quick grammar lesson

Doesn't = does not

They're = they are

You're = you are

My fire = the one desire

Believe = when I say

I want it = that way

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"

"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
...

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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

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A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.

He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and...

If I ever have a daughter, i'm gonna name her Desire

And when she is 18, I'll kick her out of the house and when she asks why, I'll say "Because all suffering comes from desire".

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books.

She's an infomaniac

What was the Sci-fi remake of A Streetcar Named Desire?

InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

Limerick

There was a young girl named Sapphire


Who succumbed to her lover's desire.


She said, "It's a sin,


But now that it's in,



Could you shove it a few inches higher?

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The Magic Goblin

A girl is walking deep in woods when suddenly she hears rustling in the bushes. She checks in and suddenly a shorted figure with pointed ears and long nails appears.

“What are you” ? The girl said in disgust.

“I am a magic goblin!” The goblin yelled with glee.

“Wow a magic gob...

The man that desired to understand women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wi...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

nuns have desires too

two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of rome.

one turns to the other and says, "i've never come this way before".

the other nun says, "it's the cobblestones".

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide.

They read the sign; “Go down the slide, shout out your dreams, and whatever you desire will be waiting for you at the bottom.” Sure enough, there is an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of the slide.

The Irishman goes first, throws himself down the slide and shouts “Drink!” He lands in a...

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Tarzan and Jane

After having lived alone in the forest for a lot of time, and with just the holes in the trees to fullfill his sexual desires, Tarzan meets Jane.

She finds him while he is fucking a tree hole, and she starts feeling horny. She suddenly takes off her clothes and says:

"Tarzan, fuck me!...

What does a fat girl desire but already have?

A ten chin

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

He: I have a foot fetish...

She: An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system??

What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most?

A Golden Retriever

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The Voodoo Dildo

A man is about to go abroad on a business trip, but he is worried about his wife cheating on her because she is has strong sexual cravings and has been known to be promiscuous in the past.

The man decides to go to an adult store to find her a sex toy to satiate her desires, and finds himself ...

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

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A black man is lost in a desert

A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.

The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."

God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."

And God turns him into a t...

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A drunk watched the same guy leave a bar every night with a different woman.

One night he asked the guy what his secret is.

The guy replies, " I have the best pick-up line. When I see a woman I desire, I walk up to her and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' When she invariably says WHAT?, I say 'Particularly nasty weather'."

The drunk is impressed and deci...

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "What would you like?"

"Nothing, I suppose. I'll take whatever drink you give me. Story of my life. I've never really desired anything - not even food, drink or sex."

"Really?"

"Yes - I even sleep just because everyone else does, not because I feel tired."

"Sorry," said the bartender, "but we can't s...

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Man goes fishing in the ocean on a sunny day...

Roughly 30 minutes pass when suddenly he sees an obscure man coming out of the ocean, looking completely exhausted. He immediately rushes to the water to carry the man out of the ocean and lays him down on the sand.



Man: "Who are you? How did you come out of the ocean like that?"
<...

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A man finds a lamp on the beach...

A man finds a lamp on the beach... He picks it up and rubs it to see if a genie pops out of it. The genie gives the usual speech, "I will grant thee 3 wishes."

The man starts listing his desires. "Oh my God, a real genie! Uh, ok, I want a huge mansion!"

"l have granted thee a mansion...

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Quitting isn't easy.

Watson being a doctor and knowing all well how deadly tobacco is, tried to convince Sherlock to quit smocking, but all attempts to persuade the detective were useless. He stubbornly kept puffing the pipe. Watson was ready to give up, when one day he had an idea. Sticking the stem up the butt would c...

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

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leprechaun story

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.

“What are you making?” asks the golfer. “It smells wonderful.”

“This is a magic brew,” says the leprechaun. “If you drink it, you golf game wil...

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A father just had his first son...

"I'm going to give him everything he desires" the father said as he saw his newborn son.

As soon as the son started speaking, "Son what do you wish for?" The son replied..."ping pong balls" , the father wanting to keep his promise bought him that.

The child grew and was a brilliant kid...

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

Teacher: Class, who can tell me what "group necrophilia"means?

Little Johnny: It's a desire to crack open a cold one with the lads.

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a wh...

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A lion was sleeping in the jungle..

The lion woke up one morning with an overbearing desire to remind his fellow creatures that he was king of the jungle. So he marched over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" 
       
    
  "You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering. "Don't you forget it!...

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Mabel and Irving have their 50th wedding anniversary

... And at the beginning of their marriage 50 years before, they had both solemnly sworn to each other to provide the other with a desired sexual favor on their 50th anniversary, no questions asked. Irving, being pushy, insists on getting his favor first. He knows his wife is a prude so whatever she...

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

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