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Three men come across a genie. The genie explains to them that they are each granted one wish only if they jump off a cliff and say what they desire...

The first guy immediately runs and hops off the cliff while screaming, "Burgers!" and he lands in a mountain of burgers.

The second guy gave a little more thought to his wish before he promptly dived off and yelled, "Money!" He lands in a mountain of money.

The last guy had thought abo...

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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A couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and cultur...

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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In a city park stood two naked statues, a male and a female. They faced each other for many years. One morning an angel appeared and said, "Since you have brought joy to so many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do as you desire."

And with that command the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A pirate desires what kind of woman?

The s-curvy girls

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

Eve asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”

“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

What's a tomato's greatest desire?

A jerrymato.

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly...

The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialis...

Quick grammar lesson:

You're: You are

My: fire

The one: desire

Believe when: I say

I want it: that way

Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were...

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

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A man is on vacation in Spain

He goes out to eat one night and notices a man at another table being served a plate of spaghetti with two large meatballs. He asks his server if he can have the same.

The server says “I’m afraid not, señor, because those are actually the testicles of bull killed today at the bull fight. But ...

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

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What do disco dancers use to stimulate sexual desire?

Afro-disiacs

thanks, i'll be here all week, unfortunately

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A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

My girlfriend has all the traits I desire.

In an ex.

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A State Trooper pulls over a man for going 20 over the speed limit

Trooper: Any reason for you to be going so fast?

Man: Sorry officer, I'm a doctor and I'm running late.

Trooper: Oh yeah? What kind of doctor?

Man: I'm a proctologist that specializes in asshole stretching.

Trooper: What the hell is asshole stretching!?

Man: It's ...

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed. Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea. To desire more is greed.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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12 inch prick

So a man walks into a bar and a soon as he's through the door the most beautiful women in the bar flock to him. He walks up to the bar and says "drinks are on me" and pulls out a wad of money. As the bartender pours the drinks a little man, about a foot tall, runs down the bar, knocking over people'...

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

A mans life

So a lonely gentleman finds himself a attractive lady of the night to help satisfy his physical desires. After some negotiations they retire to a nearby hotel to consummate their business. While disrobing the young lady sees that the gentleman is rather unendowed, pointing and laughing she asks, “Wh...

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A cow named bella was moved to a new pasture.

Grazing in the field next to her was a bull named Hannibal, an absolute unit of a specimen. Bella desired the big Hannibal greatly, but a barbed wire fence separated them.

" please Hannibal, mighty bull, leap across the fence to me!" Cried Bella
" I cannot!" Replied Hannibal sadly, " thi...

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A pilot crashes his plane into the Pacific Ocean..

He wakes up to find that he has washed up on a sandy beach. After some exploration he finds that he is on a small island covered with fruit bearing trees and plants, enough for him to survive indefinitely. He also finds that he is not alone as there happens to be two dogs with him on the island....

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, “welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life’s mysteries that you desire.”

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he ...

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

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A Man’s boat sinks...

...and he gets washed up on a deserted island a couple of hours later, along with his pet dog and a pig he had recently bought from a market to fatten up.
After a few days, the man, the dog and the pig got into the routine of sitting at the shoreline, and watching the sun set each evening.
A ...

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

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What's the difference between a perverse sexual desire and hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi?

One's hentai

The other's ten hi

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

A cat dies and goes to heaven...

God meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.

The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.

God says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a...

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Predators

So, we humans are predators because we have eyes on the front of our face because if they’re on the side then you’re a prey. We also have sexual desires so in theory were all sexual predators.

The only difference is im registered.

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The three eggs

Translated and changed slightly from Armenian:


3 friends come across a man in need of help and help him with his problem. As thanks, the man rewards them 3 magic eggs and tells them "break these magic eggs, and you can become anything your heart desires"


He hands an egg to ...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look...

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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

Do you want to make $$$$ fast?

Step 1: Open notepad
Step 2: Press and hold shift +4 until you have the desired amount.

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

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Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no sexual desires, they are put in a room naked and bells are placed on the end of their penises...

The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely naked and the test begins.

This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul’s bell rings,

Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that ...

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

Buk Buk..... Chicken !

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘

The librari...

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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Once upon a time there was a Cheerio.

(long)

This Cheerio dreamed of going to Perfect Cheerio Land, where only the best Cheerios lived. In Perfect Cheerio Land, there was everything a little Cheerio’s heart desired.

One day, when Cheerio woke up, an angel cheerio was at the foot of his bed. The angel said, “I am here to ta...

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead find a cliff.

There is a sign that says “cliff of wishes, jump and say what you desire and you shall land in it”.

The brunette says “here goes nothing” and jumps. She says “money” and lands in a huge pile of $100 bills.

The redhead jumps and says “the power to fly” and she doesn’t hit the ground, b...

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie

I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian processor told it.

A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distance and they all rush to...

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Couple talking a walk

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback ...

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I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books.

She's an infomaniac

What was the Sci-fi remake of A Streetcar Named Desire?

InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

nuns have desires too

two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of rome.

one turns to the other and says, "i've never come this way before".

the other nun says, "it's the cobblestones".

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When a young boy saw a magic walking snake

The only snake will only say: "I'll give you three wishes. But, take whatever you ask, I'll give you the worst enemy is twice as many".
The boy thinks a minute, it is said: "I think, after the $3 million". Then snake will only say, "only you wish for granted, but who fuck got $6 million: your wo...

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2 statues come to life

Once Upon a time there were two statues in a park. One had the body of a male the other of a female. They stood there for so long that god decided to give them life, so he sends down an angel. The angel gives them life and says: " You've got 2 hours before I have to turn you back to stone. In those ...

They did move their houses,but..........

On the right side of the house of a minister there lived a blacksmith,and on the left side,a carpenter.The blacksmith and the carpenter made noise day and night and disturbed the minister. When he could not take it anymore, the minister called the two and demanded that they move their houses.
One...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

What does a fat girl desire but already have?

A ten chin

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