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A girl once asked me what my heart desired,

Apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers.

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

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My farther told me that when looking for a wife….

…. To find a woman that loves you, a woman that can cook, a woman that you desire and a woman that pleases you sexually.

And the most important piece of advice, never let these 4 women meet.

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Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

Which is the most desired summer body this year?

The antibody.

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

Good company

One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”

The angel con...

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime...

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Another parrot joke.

A society woman receives a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

A thoughtful undertaker

A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best.
J...

A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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A man goes to the doctor because his wife has lost sexual desire completely

The doctor gives him 5 powerful pills to give her every night for five days consecutively.

As soon as the man arrives his home he goes all-in, gives his wife 3 pills and takes the other 2 himself. Two hours later they are both sweating and getting naked.

Wife: ”I need a dick right now!...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

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Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

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Three men come across a genie. The genie explains to them that they are each granted one wish only if they jump off a cliff and say what they desire...

The first guy immediately runs and hops off the cliff while screaming, "Burgers!" and he lands in a mountain of burgers.

The second guy gave a little more thought to his wish before he promptly dived off and yelled, "Money!" He lands in a mountain of money.

The last guy had thought abo...

The faithfull Husband

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we ...

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

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A couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and cultur...

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No Desire

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right, too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she ...

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What's the difference between a perverse sexual desire and hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi,hi?

One's hentai

The other's ten hi

What's a piece of lingerie that reveals more skin than the wearer consciously desired to show?

A Freudian slip.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A pirate desires what kind of woman?

The s-curvy girls

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A merchant gets taken advantage of by two soldiers. (Long)

A merchant is on a journey to a neighboring kingdom to sell his wares. The king is known for wearing exquisite robes, so he has prepared his finest silk. He soon arrives at the city outskirts, but is stopped by the town guard.

“Halt! What business do you have, traveler?”

“I am here to ...

My girlfriend has all the traits I desire.

In an ex.

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.

He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"

"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.

"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"

"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"

"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"

"My father is the ...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

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Freud was wrong, I have no desire to sleep with my mom

I'd bang the shit out of my aunt, though.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

I overcame the desire for self pleasure...

I just had to ween off

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

Technology is like the woman I desire.

It's moving fast and I can't keep up

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Relapse

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to sto...

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Three men are walking in the wilderness…

As they are walking they come across a golden lamp on the edge of a cliff

The men decide to rub the lamp. Before their very eyes a genie appears and says; “Thank you for freeing me! As a reward you each get one wish. All you need to do is jump off this cliff and shout what you desire”

...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

What was the Sci-fi remake of A Streetcar Named Desire?

InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

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Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no sexual desires, they are put in a room naked and bells are placed on the end of their penises...

The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely naked and the test begins.

This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul’s bell rings,

Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that ...

A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook.

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

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I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books.

She's an infomaniac

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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

What does a fat girl desire but already have?

A ten chin

the Pope dies and goes to heaven

Saint Peter greets him and says "you have led a good life ,here are the keys to your hutt"

The Pope goes to the hut and finds it full of everything he desires and more, he is so happy he opens the window and there's a huge mansion in the view

He goes to saint Peter and asks him, who is...

nuns have desires too

two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of rome.

one turns to the other and says, "i've never come this way before".

the other nun says, "it's the cobblestones".

What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most?

A Golden Retriever

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia... (Wife's favourite joke)

...tilling his field one day, he unearths a lamp. As he starts to rub off the dirt, a genie comes flying out and in a great, booming voice, says, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"

Pyort thinks a moment and says, "No, I ...

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

A man and a leprechaun

Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine.

A man walks into a washroom. Lo and behold, he sees a leprechaun doing his business.
The guy is elated, he grabs the leprechaun  and exclaims "Aha! I got you! Now you have to grant me a wish". ...

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

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Fuck you too PETA

I was walking home from work today and I noticed a girl standing at a PETA rally with a shirt that said "Fighting Animal Testing". Curious about what it meant I asked her.


"I don't understand your shirt. Is it about "animal testing" and your desire to fight against it? Or is it about a "f...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

Four psychologists are talking . . .

. . . and one says "all day long we listen to people's guilts and fears, but we have no one to go to with our problems. Why don't we take some time right now and hear each other out?" The other three agree.

The first psychologist confesses "I have an almost uncontrollable desire to kill m...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

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