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Lust Jokes

Lust. Love. Marriage.

LUST:

Tearing her panties off.

LOVE:

Sliding them down, gently.

MARRIAGE:

Folding them regularly.

Lust, love or showing off?

What’s the difference between lust, love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

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They say the worst sin of all is lust

That's why all the devils are so damn horny.

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A teenage couple were heading home past the graveyard, when, overcome with lust, they snuck in, and got down to it on a convenient gravestone.

The girl then hurried home, and when she got in, she complained of having a sore back to her mother. Her mum asked to look at her back, and then tutted.

"What is it? " Asked the girl. "Can you see anything?"

"I can't see anything wrong with your back", replied her mother, "but your b...

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

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What's the opposite of unbridled lust?

Dressage sex.

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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A translated Norwegian joke

Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about y...

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[NSFW] The coal-miner's lust

On his payday, coal-miner Joe wanted to get laid, especially now since he was just paid. He goes to a brothel and asks for the finest broad there. The manger says to him "sorry, we don't have any women right now, but you can have sex with a chicken for free." Wanting sex so badly, Joe thinks for a m...

The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship

Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet.

What's the difference between love and lust?

"About two-hundred dollars." - Johnny Carson

An old man goes to confession.

He tells the priest that on Friday night, he'd been in the bar when he started talking to three girls nearby. "Maybe twenty-two, two blondes and a redhead. One had legs, one had knockers like you wouldn't believe, and the last had all the right curves. I started lusting, Father."


"Yes," s...

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

I admit I suffer from "Penguin Lust"

Nuns in their habits just really turn me on. Their vow of chastity is like a challenge. My friends know this about me so it was not much of a surprise that after a night of intense, blackout drinking, I ended up waking up in front of a convent, with my pants mysteriously missing.

I heard ...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

I was staring lustfully at my wife when she was looking the other way

She turned and faced me, but then I recognised her.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Once upon a time there was a king...

... who used to be very lustful. He slept with many women in the kingdom. One day the prince was roaming around and stumbled upon a washerman's shop by the river. He saw a young boy washing clothes. Upon coming near the boy, the prince realised the boy has the same facial looks as him. He approached...

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

Intercourse

When you're in love, intercourse is called "making love." When it's lust, intercourse is called "screwing." When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

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A Rabbit and a Bear Are Chilling in the Woods Together

Suddenly a genie appears before them and says "I am a magic genie, and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. But choose carefully, because once I grant a wish it cannot be undone"

Rabbit and Bear ponder this for a moment before Bear speaks up to make his first wish.

Bear, being very lustf...

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A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life.

I'm translating this joke from my mother language, I hope you like it.

A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life. Every night the neighbours hear their moans and screams of lust.

One day the wife heared someone knocking on their door. She o...

So the other day I went to a Pride Festival...

I asked where the Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath Festivals were and they had no clue.

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

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A zoophile, a masochist and an arsonist get together

They're all bored out of their minds in their little apartment when a cat appears on the window.

The zoophile looks at it lustfully and says "I'm gonna hit that cat senseless and fuck it"

The arsonist gets excited and shouts "hell yeah!! And when you're done I can stick a firework up i...

3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man...

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

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So there are three couples.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The ...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

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A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest...

Why did the parisitologist kill himself?

I guess he just lost his lust for lice

Did you know that the seven main characters on SpongeBob SquarePants represent the seven deadly sins?

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

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Gates of Heaven

4 nuns die in a tragic bus crash.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven, where Peter greets them warmly. "Sisters, to enter into heaven, you must confess a sin." The sisters line up in front of Peter, who is smiling warmly.

The first nun pauses, takes a deep breath, and says "I....

A man and his wife.

A man goes to confession. He sits in the booth and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks him what his sin was.

"Father, I made love to my wife."

The priest is somewhat taken aback, and explains to the man that lovemaking between married couples is permitted ...

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

Did you hear about the exceptional gorilla biologist?

She was an ape lust student.

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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A Sexy Lady

A lady in a bar walks to the bartender
& put her finger into bartender's mouth...

bartender lustly kisses & licks each finger...

lady: tell ur manager ders no tissues..

Hmmmmmmmm

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

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Walk

Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of ...

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A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Retweaked joke:
How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!

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The seven shittiest Sins

Greed: I want shit
Envy: I want your shit
Wrath: I'm going to wreck your shit
Lust: I'm into some freaky shit
Gluttony: This is some tasty shit
Sloth: I don't feel like doing shit
Pride: I am the shit

P.s : Not mine. I saw it today on 9gag

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Choose heaven or hell

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him and says that there is a new regulation now where a soul gets to choose if they want to go to heaven or hell. The soul must spend three days in hell and three days in heaven and after that he chooses where to go.

The...

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

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A priest is about to die,

A fellow apprentice is with him, during his last days,



During the last moments the dying priest says "I will do everything in my power to get in contact with you once i'll be... there you know"



Quite surprised of this the apprentice nods and listens carefully to thi...

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A man gets stranded on a desert island

A man gets stranded on a desert island with a dog and a pig. He finds fruit, catches fish and builds himself a shelter. Slowly he begins to adjust to his new life and situation and regain his strength.
However after three weeks he suddenly gets the horn, a burning raging horn inside him and he k...

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A man calls Dr Phil

"Dr. Phil, I want your opinion on a personal matter." Dr Phil says "Go ahead."
The man explains "My next door neighbor is an attractive young lady.
A few days ago, i was upstairs in my bedroom and happened to glance out the window, and I saw her sunbathing nude in her backyard. I don't kn...

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Sterotype hot horny blonde goes to a bar

She was like having no sex for month and she just urged for a huge cock. So the girl walks up to some black stud that looks just well equiped enough for her needs and starts to flirt. One things come to another and 30 minutes later they're walking down the road to her place. In lustful anticipation ...

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Hosi pappa and sex

When Hosi pappa was 97, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah: "Mr. Hosi, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age, I think that's remarkable."

Hosi pappa: "I just take good care of myself and enjoy whatever I do, plus as a Parsi we live ve...

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We'd lost that loving feeling

My wife and I are in our 50s. We still loved each other, but for one reason or another, we'd not had sex for a few years.

Deciding it was time to change that, we went to our family doctor. We told her our issue and she prescribed something
that would increase our labidos. She said it would...

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A man is on his way into the pub when a nun steps in front of him...

...and says, "Stop! For the sake of your soul, I implore you!"

The man takes a step back and says, "Can I help you with something, sister? I was just on my way in for a pint."

"A pint?" she asks, "Twenty pints is more like it! You were going in there to get drunk, and drunkenness is a ...

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There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has ...

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Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven.

Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin"

Sister Margeret wal...

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Only 3 inch's

-A guy went to a brothel and he said for the first girl " I have 3 inch penis" .

-she said "Ew.. that gross".

-He went for another girl and said " I have 3 inch penis" .

-She looked disgusted and said "And you call yourself a man".

-He went for the last girl in the brothe...

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A group of priests are tested...

to see if they have overcome their lustful desires. Each one is naked with a bell tied to his penis. If it rings, he is out of the priesthood. First, a beautiful woman is presented before them.. nothing. Second, the woman strips naked.. still nothing.

One priest loses his bell and it rolls i...

Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.

"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"

"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.

"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.

"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then ...

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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3 Chinese tortures

A lonely and tired wanderer is rambling and ambling across China. He has been wandering, and pondering life for three days. He stumbles upon an old cottage and thinks, maybe I may stay here for the night, as three days without rest, food, or drink, is a long time, and he was quite tired. So, he knoc...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

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A horny old woman...

was leaving the supermarket with a teenage boy carrying her bags. As she eyes the firm young boy with lust, she says "I thought you might want to know that I have an itchy pussy". The boy replies "just point to it lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me".

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A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.

Well, God was feeling pretty...

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

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A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

Original: An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink...

An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink in a new town when he spots a likely-looking place named "The One Eyed Man".

People have already lined up to get in. As he joins them, he notice that most of the men in the line are wearing eye patches. All of them in fact.

Just then, a flock of...

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Nipped In The Nuts

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, an extremely beautiful nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. The man is going almost crazy with lust for this perfect specimen, in her tight white starched uniform, her come-hither smil...

I used to have a co-worker named Joe.

He seemed to have come out of no where. When he first got the job, We asked him where he was from, but he would always just shrug off the question. Nevertheless, Joe and I got along really well.

One day, he approached me and asked if he could move in with me and my girlfriend. He told us abou...

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a classic

A hawk was feeling incredibly horny one day but could not find a suitable female for procreation, in his search he came across a fairly attractive dove and figured "why not". He swooped down and fornicated with said dove. As he flew away the dove shook the loose down from her derriere and said "I'm ...

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

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Three couples want to join a church

... One has been married for 25 years, the second couple has been married for 5 years, and newlyweds. The priest tells them they can join the church, but only if they don't have sex for one week to prove their dedication.

A week later they return and the priest asks them how it went. The cou...

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Three couples want to join a church.

... There is an older couple, a middle aged couple, and a newly wed couple. They all meet with the priest.

The priest tells them they must abstain from sex for two weeks. The priest says "after two weeks, if you are successful in putting God before your own desires we will welcome you into ...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

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Three couples want to join the local church.

Three couples want to join the local church. There is an old age couple, a middle aged couple and a newly-wed couple they all meet with the priest and he says "I would be delighted to have you join this church, but to show you're dedicated to it, you will have to go two weeks without sex to prove yo...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
...

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The Newly Weds

After the ceremony, a newly wed couple celebrated their marriage at the brides father's ranch.

The groom, having traveled a lot during their relationship, didn't have a chance to acquaint himself to anyone but the brides mother and father.

During the dinner, he finally got to meet most...

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

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