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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I was so happy I didn't miss my cake day this year

It nearly brought me to tiers

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

My father and I have a hit and miss relationship...

He either hits me or he misses me!

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

My ex girlfriend still misses me...

But her aim is getting better

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I missed my porn audition this morning

Just couldn’t get up for it

Miss 3 consecutive payments of Tesla

The car drives itself back to the sales house

Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

I miss my ex girlfriends so much.

One of these days I’ll turn into a pine tree.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

If Miss. Issippi, gave Miss. Ouri, her new jersey, what would Dela wear?

I don't know, but AL ask.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count past 68?

Every time she gets to 69, she get a little frog in her throat.

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In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

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Missed him

A local politician is playing a few rounds of golf with the local vicar.

On the 8th hole, the politician makes what he thinks is a perfect putt, but the ball veers away at the last minute.

“Damn it, missed the bugger!” Said the Politician.

“You really shouldn’t say that,” sai...

I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage.

I lost my case.

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

Captain Hook: arrrg I miss Vine. twas me fav'rite app

Smee: but capn! there's a new app! it aint exactly the same, but tis very similar!

Captain Hook: what's it called?

Smee: Umm

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey.

She stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum

And said, "I'm in the wrong nursery rhyme!"


Okay, I'll try another one...


Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie.

Along came a spider who sat down beside him...

What do you do when you miss your mother-in-law

Reload and try again

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Missed opportunity to get laid

This pretty woman who lived in the apartment across from mine came over on a Saturday night in her pajamas and showed me where she'd stepped on a tack, and asked if I thought she should get a tetanus shot. I loaded up WebMD, researched it thoroughly and concluded she didn't need one then sent her on...

Don't miss Donald Trump's new reality show:

The Bigliest Loser.

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

i miss all the absent father jokes people used to make

when are they coming back?

Double amputee goes missing from local hospital

"Well, it's not like he could have grown legs and walked off", alleges trauma specialist.

Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common

They both have Kurds in their way

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?

A quarterback

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

Apart from "I love you", "I miss you", "You complete me" and "Can't live without you"?

What other jokes do you know?

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

I googled "missing medieval servant"...

And it came back: "Page not found"

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

What's missing from tonight's presidential debate?

The laugh track.

I thought I missed my cake day

batter late than never!

Yesterday I was walking to an interview, there was a starving dog in the road so I stopped to get him food and missed my interview, the next day I got a call to to come in and do the interview, I was surprised and went in, then the interviewer came in

He was the dog

My wife is missing

My wife is missing for two weeks now and people have started asking questions.

Most often I hear: "Why are you so happy?"

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

I married Miss Right!

I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

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Miss. Piggy needs to go to the supermarket and so she borrows her boyfriend's car...

She gets to the supermarket but it's a Saturday, so it's quite busy. Having trouble finding a spot, she opts to park in the *Family/Disabled Parking* bays close to the store.

She only needs a few things, so she thinks that she will be quick enough that no-one will notice.

When she ret...

I just tried to search for my missing Medieval servant boy on Google.

All I got was a message saying “this page cannot be found”.

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?

Because Earth Girls Are Easy!

(if you grew up in the 80s you should get it.)

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

Bambi really misses his mother

He misses her *deerly*

Did you hear about the baby coal that went missing?

They sent out an ember alert.

How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America.

She actually got whirled peas.

Doctor: “Miss Smith, I think you have acute appendicitis.”

Miss Smith: “Thank you, Doctor. I bet you have a cute appendicitis too.”

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

Missed school yesterday

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the  teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."

"How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that."

"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull...

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

I woke up and realized I was missing my pesin.

Whoops. I suffer from lesdyxia.

The other day I tried to be inspirational by saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

And now I'm banned from AA for life

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I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

My wife missed her last 2 periods

She doesn't know when to stop.

Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

If Congress is any indication, you miss a lot of the ones you do take as well.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

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What do you call it when you pull out and miss?

A walnut

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Woman tries to cut off spouse’s penis but misses and hits his thigh

She was charged with a missed-a-weener

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

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A priest is playing darts...

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: "Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed, my shot just missed!". A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. "If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you" he says. But the priest doesn't mind him and...

I miss going to the gym but you know what

It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

What’s worse than not being at work and no one noticing that your missing?

Not being at work and people noticing that you’re there

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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A farmer went out to check on his chickens and saw that the cock was missing.

Well he also happen to be the pastor of the town and the following Sunday before they started the sermon he asked
"Who has a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock?" All the women got up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" Half the women stood up.
"...

I kinda miss the late 90's when you could say the N word and people would be like hell yeah

Now if I say the n word people look at me weird, I can't help it that I still like nickleback

Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say?

MESHELL!

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not w...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

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What do you call a deer with missing one eye?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with two eyes missing? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or no dick or balls? Still no fucking eye deer.

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A truck driver, a priest, and a lawyer.

Being a truck driver can be very boring. One truck driver has created a game for himself to help stave off the boredom. Every time he sees a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he veers off and runs him over.

One day, the truck driver picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietl...

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

Whoever called it 'Dentures'

really missed an opportunity to call it 'Substitooths'.

how many layers of skin is a Jewish man missing?

fore

Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.

They could call them coughy filters.

Quarantined Star Wars troopers be like "I miss people"

First off all, you always miss.

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

If you got distracted yesterday and missed all posts at r/jokes ...

... nothing to worry about: they'll all be back any minute now.

If Al Abama wore Miss Issippi's new jersey to the party, what will Mary Land wear?

I dunno, Al ask a.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?

You don't know what you missing.

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