So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

Donald Trump is like Little Miss Muffet...

They both have Kurds in their way.

You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take...

...and 100% of the shots that you do take. You literally suck at everything you do. Stop trying.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

I miss understood a Sleeping Beauty

Ill never be welcome to a funeral again.

I miss my fake girlfriend...

She left because I lack imagination.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

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I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

What's the difference between a circus and the Miss America beauty pageant?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

My ex wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I bought a bunch of antique spears online. But when I received them, they were all missing their spear heads.

I got shafted.

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

What did the farmer do when his wife went missing?

He tractor down.

I miss the good old times...

when I wassn't alive.

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...

He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?

Something smells fishy around here.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

School shooters have a huge problem: They will miss their classmates.

One way or the other.

Old Miss Green

An old lady in our neighborhood had been ill. My wife asked our daughter to go and see how old Miss Green was this morning. Donna returned quickly. “Miss Green said it was none of your business how old she is!”

We all miss Elvis, but at least he died doing what he loved

Barbiturates.

I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

I once had to miss class because of hypothermia

I was too cool for school.

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

My friend just came back from war missing his legs below the knee cap. Without even speaking a word I knew how the battle had gone.

He was Defeeted.

What do you call a missing parrot?

A polygon.

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because...

4:22 is 4:20 too.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Come to think of it, Miss Pac-Man is a lot like my mother.

She guzzles down loads of pills and then gets killed by ghosts.

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

I miss the kids at school sometimes

but hey atleast my aim is getting better

Today when I got into work, my boss stormed up to me and said "Did you miss work yesterday?"

I said, "No, not particularly"

I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I must get the sights on my rifle fixed.

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,...

Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.

It was a Wookiee mistake

RIP Peter.

Half of this joke went missing.

That's ok.

[NSFW] Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.

‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped hi...

I miss my students a lot...

Over time, they've gotten really good at dodging the chalkboard erasers I throw at them.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enoug...

Three little kids walk up to Miss Katherine’s front door

“What do ya need?” Asked Katherine. “ We wanted to see if Little Timmy wanted to play baseball” said the boys. “How rude of you!” Katherine replied “You know that Timmy doesn’t have any arms or legs.” The kids replied “Yah we know, we need a first base.”

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

There are times when I miss my ex so much,

I wish I could remember where I hid her body.

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

A man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer....

I'm going to miss Stan Lee

He was a marvel

Toronto missed out on an opportunity to call their basketball team the torontosaurus rexes

Boo me, I deserve it

I miss my students a lot...

The chalkboard eraser always ends up hitting the wall!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a chainsaw and a vagina similar?

Miss by a few inches and you are in deep shit

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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Missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out ...

Miss, my watch tells me you have no panties on.

But I do have panties on!



Oh sorry, it's ahead of time again.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

I told my misses that I was going away for the day to try some fishing

“Are you going alone?”she asked

“Of course not” I replied, “ I’m taking Rod and Anette”

TIL that yesterday was National Missing Children's Day.

Parents of reddit, what are you doing with all of your new found freedom?

What happened to the guy who sued the airline for his missing luggage?

He lost his case

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

I miss my car.

But the other car didn’t.

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

A frog goes into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and tha...

Miss Crabtree says to the little rascals, “ Class today I’m going to say a word and I want you to spell it and use it in a sentence. The word is Dictate”.

Buckwheat raises his hand.
“Ok Buckwheat spell the word.”
Buckwheat spells, “ d-i-c-t-a-t-e”.
Miss Crabtree: “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”
Buckwheat says, “ How my dictate Darla?”

Recently I threw a steak at someone and missed

It was a terrible miss-steak

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

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