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Miss Jokes

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle.

Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Don't Miss The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian"

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was ...

I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.

I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive hooker. She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

I used to miss Mitch Hedburg

I still do... But I used to, too.

RIP

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

Miss Prussy

There’s a high school teacher named Miss Prussy who would always remind her students to “don’t forget the ‘r’!” because it would be otherwise awkward/offensive.

25 years later at a class reunion a former student spotted Miss Prussy and said “i know you! You’re Miss…” and before he can finish ...

The missing earring

A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles. He walks over to her and says, "Can I help you?"

"I lost an earring," she replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, "Are you sure you lo...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

They say “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.

That’s why I’m raiding this vaccine warehouse.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

Miss USA

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change
with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do
you think she'd do in today's ve...

What do you do if you miss your mother in-law?

You reload and try again!!

Saddam and little miss muffet

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet got in common?



They both had Kurds in their whey.

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Miss Jones wanted to teach her class about vegetables

So she drew a large cucumber on the blackboard and said "what's that"

"It's a cock, miss" piped up Little Johnny.

"That's *it*, Little Johnny, I've had *enough* of your filthy cheek, I'm getting the headmaster" pronounced Miss Jones.

A few moments later the headmaster stomped in...

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What's missing at the end of every porn DVDs?

Gag Reels

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: I no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

Why was Mario’s kart missing?

It was Toad.

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?

The Police have no lead.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but...

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

What do you call a bear missing an ear?

A b

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

I'm going to miss Stan Lee

He was a marvel

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

What does polite french-australian never miss at the gym?

Le g'day.

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

My ex-wife told me she missed me...

Thank goodness she is a terrible shot..

Missing puzzle piece

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.

Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

My girlfriend said she won't miss the iPhone headphone jack as much as everyone.

Said she goes to bed to another miniscule 3.5mm thing anyway.

A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.

In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.

She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"

The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

I do miss the queen but…

…I still can’t believe she stole that beat from vanilla ice.

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

Hey guys have you seen Miss Singh

I was looking for her and now think she's Missing

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

Missing

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, we...

Why did Little Miss Muffet buy a GPS for her tuffet?

Because she kept losing her whey.

I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

"Hi honey did you miss me?"

"With every bullet so far"

- Married with children. Peggy and Al Bundy.
Just watch the whole thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ_PKMbdNTU

The IT guy at work has been missing for the past few weeks.

He must have..ransomware.

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

She said she missed me....

Normally that would be good thing, except I can see she is reloading.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"

So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

In Hong Kong, there once lived a rich prestigious old man known as Grandpa Li.

Grandpa Li lived together with Grandma Li in a big mansion with 3 daughters, each known as Miss Li.

The eldest Miss Li got married. Since she came from a very prestigious family, she decided to keep her last name, and then known as Madam Li.

Madam Li had a Son and a Daughter. They are ...

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The missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to q...

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

If Miss. Issippi, gave Miss. Ouri, her new jersey, what would Dela wear?

I don't know, but AL ask.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

Bar Psychic

I'm going to miss the Apollo app, it made Reddit worthwhile.

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A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

I used to have a teacher called Miss Aisle.

If you upset her even slightly, she would go ballistic.

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

My father went to Iraq. I miss him so much.

Please come Baghdad.

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

What do you call a man missing his left leg and a woman missing her right leg?

Solemates

I Used to Miss My Wife

Then my aim improved.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

Man misses the bus

Man misses the bus just by a second and starts shouting:
- Stop the bus, stop the bus. I am late for work! I am late for work!

Passanger's on the bus hears him and tells the bus driver to stop the bus.

Man gets in the bus and says:
- Thank you everyone! Now please get your bus ti...

Bob Saget will be missed. He was very loved by all......

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.

.

.

.

.

.

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.

There is no doubt his funeral will be a full house.

I was on a date recently with a girl who told me she was missing her big toes.

I ended it on the spot. I'm lack toes intolerant.

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