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Itching powder

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Syd, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Syd revealed his secret desire to his coll...

If your palm itches you’re going to get something

If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it

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I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itching, but his lab burnt down...

Now he has to start from scratch.

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

The clock makes my head itch.

First it goes tick, then there's the itch, and the tock removes it.

And it repeats on and on.

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I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

Wanna hear a joke about itches?

Nevermind, scratch that.

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

How do you get rid of itch?

Start from scratch.

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A man goes to see a doctor because of an itch 'down there'

When the doctor receives his results from the lab he calls the man in to go over the results. The doc sits him down and tells him "I'm afraid you've contracted Shag."
The patient immediately has a puzzled look on his face. "Shag? What's that?".
Slowly, with a solemn look on his face, the d...

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

There’s just something about the unreachable itch on my back that bothers me.

I can’t put my finger on it.

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Boob itch

A boyfriend walks in on his girlfriend scratching her breast. Delighted that he caught a glimpse of such a rare occurrence, he cries, "Boob itch!"

His girlfriend turns to him, slaps him in the face, and says, "Don't call me that! And you didn't scare me."

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

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A man with no arms

A war veteran has lost his left arm in the battle.He spent months trying to get over it but he is still depressed about it.
One day, he saw a man with no arms,but he was jumping and running on the street and seems happy.
Veteran approached to him and asked;
-I lost my left arm in battle and...

My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You...

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

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An itch in the knee?

A Japanese father and son were stationed at a siege tower to guard the tower's hatch. Suddenly, the father felt an itch on his left knee.

Back in the day, the Japanese thought that having an itch in the knee was a bad omen, often signifying an imminent enemy attack.

He knew that ther...

What's another name for a vegetable that makes you turn and scratch

Spin itch

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How did captain hook die?

His balls itched.

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The waiter's thumb

One day John goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter gets it and keeps it on the table. John notices that the waiter had put his thumb in the coffee on the way to his table. He gets irritated and asks the waiter.

Waiter explains, "I have a skin infection on the finger so ...

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I’m the only one who knows where it itches.

A new sunscreen called Sun-Off has been causing skin rashes on people's bellies after application.

It's a real Sun-Off Ab Itch

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There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

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Little Johnny was scratching down there...

One day in class the teacher looks over to little Johnny and sees him scratching his downstairs under the table,

She walks over to him and says, Johnny what are you doing you shouldn't be scratching down there.

Johnny replies but miss it's hurting down there and it itches so bad I can...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

When I make love it's like a misquito bite

You don't feel anything until the itching starts.

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Why do noses run and feet smell?

I don't know, but my ass itches and my finger stinks.

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Chinese prostitute

A guy went to China and while there he met a very exotic woman who he ended up having sex with him. While it was the best sex he ever had, his penis started itching and then started to swell. When he got back to the States, he went to his urologist. By then it was turning purple black and was very ...

American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty sea...

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Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

Memorial service

I was at my friends memorial service and after a few wonderful eulogies the minister asked would anybody else like to say something.

I was itching to say something so I rose and asked whats the wi-fi password at this place.

The shocked minister replied - Sir! Have you no shame?

...

My wife was complaining the other night.

She said "I'm all itchy."

I told her "The B isn't silent."

Maybe she'll let me back in the house next week.

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A guy goes to a therapist

Patient: I think I have a problem. I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. Only thing I can get off to is porn.

Therapist: Have you tried to stop watching porn for awhile?

Patient: Yes. I've tried everything. I keep going back to porn. It just scratches my itch that real sex can...

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

What is a dermatologist's favorite aspect of the Harry Potter series?

Quit-itch

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down o...

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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.

When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.

He appro...

[NSFW] Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.

‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped hi...

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So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here."
The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and ...

How do ticks get around?

They Itch Hike

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

Bread

Why did the bread itch?
It had a yeast infection

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A man lost an arm...

A dark humoured joke told to me by an old fellow, so ye have been warned:

A man had lost an arm.
He grew extremely depressed because of this, to the point where he was prepared to kill himself.
The noose was set, but out the window something caught his eye:
A man with no arms, and he...

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

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A man joins the French Foriegn Legion...

..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due.

Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his se...

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What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

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The Man With No Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge lookin...

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A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.

As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himsel...

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A drunk Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis.

doc asks the guy, “Any itching?”


“No.”

“Used any weird lotions or creams?”

“No.”

“Is this recent?”

“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”

“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
...

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

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Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

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What do you call a film director with an STD?

Alfred 'ItchCock

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A young mechanic...

A young mechanic was working on a car when the lift broke, and the car fell and severed his arm. Now severely depressed because he had one arm, loved to golf, and couldn't afford a prosthetic arm, decided "well, this is it. This is my end... I will kill myself because I can't play golf nor afford an...

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NSFW The Voodoo Dick.

A man married to a nymphomaniac is going on a business trip, and he is worried his wife is going to cheat on him. So he decides to buy her a toy in the hopes of keeping her satisfied until he gets back. He goes to the neighborhood sex shop and explains his situation the the store owner. The owner gr...

A question on an internet forum...

A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.

His gums aren't itching, but now, he can...

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[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"

A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that g...

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A man lost his arm...

A man lost his arm in a terrible accident. After he recovered, he realized that he just couldn't do the things he could do before and he became depressed. He decided to end his life, so he went up to the top of a building to jump. He was standing on the edge and looked down only to see a man with no...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

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A man wakes up after a night with a hooker and his crotch is on fire

He keeps itching and itching and looks at the hooker and says, "Bitch! You gave me crabs."

The hooker says, "You gave me 30 bucks. What did you expect, Lobster?"

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A man and a woman were...

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about thi...

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

My conditioner says it normalizes dry itchy scalp...

My scalp still itches but now so do all my friend's.

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A guy walks into a brothel...

And tells the Madam that his wife hasn't done anything with him in months and that he's starving to get off. The madam kindly let's him know that all of the women are taken, but she leans in close and let's him know that if he's really starving for action that he can go in the far room in the back a...

Idiot question and answer

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What’s a flea’s favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?...

A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt...

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There was a little boy named Buttitches

His very first day at school the teacher asks him what his name is.

"What's your name?"

"Buttitches."

"Haha, very funny, what is your name?"

"Buttitches."

"Listen child, tell me your real name or I'm sending you to the principal."

"Buttitches."

"Princ...

Why was Harry Potter scratching himself with a pound coin?

He had quid-itch.

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

Two blondes from the city

So two blondes live together in the city and have been itching for a new life. They seek a rural and country lifestyle and want to own a farm.

The first blonde pitches to the other the idea of starting a real farm, with a bull as their first animal, for which to plow the fields they're sure ...

Burlap pants are coming into fashion,

People are just itching to show off the new look.

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Two cowboys decide to go to the town to get laid.

They go to the bar and pick up two sisters. Once they are in the hotel room the girls hand them a couple of condoms. The guys had never seen one, living on the mountain all the time, and they ask what those are supposed to do. The older sister explains to them that they should use these so they don'...

Just hope they don't name it after me

My body is all messed up. All messed up I tell ya. It hurts to pee, I can't quit itching my balls...I'm even losing skin on my pecker (and there ain't much to lose I tell ya)...
So I go to my doctor and they do all the std tests known to man.

Two weeks later the doctor calls me back and...

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The 5 Dollar Hooker

A desperate, sex-crazed man has a sudden urge to get his willy-whacked, so he goes downtown to pick up a hooker.

The man finally picks up a hooker and and is on his way to a safe spot away from the city to do his dirty business. When they arrive at their destination, he tells her, "I only hav...

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Don't Mesh With Birbal

Once there was a king named Akbar. He had a beautiful and hot queen with very attractive boobs. Even his courtiers could not resist looking at those boobs. Tansen, a cunning courtier had a great desire of sucking those boobs. He told Birbal, the wisest minister of the king about his desires and prom...

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