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Feel Like Jokes

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve,

“Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet....

Because I over ate.

I feel like cheating on my partner today.

My left hand is looking real fine.

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

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I told my therapist that I feel like I'm living in a sitcom.

And then about 30 people laughed.

Feel like someone's watching you?

You're not alone.

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

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Some times this world makes me feel like a clogged toilet.

I just can't take any more of this shit.

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

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I always feel like a better person after taking a dump…

because I know I am no longer full of shit.

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If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers

Just stop masturbating.

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

When a mosquito bites me and gets away I feel like a bank that just got robbed

extra points if someone can figure out how to work "blood bank" into this joke. nobody robs blood banks so...

Turns out you can go to a store and buy a birthday cake any day you feel like it and eat it yourself.

Nobody checks.

I feel like there is a problem with my prostate...

...but I can't put my finger on it.

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Feel like a woman

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells,...

I feel like most drugs are ok.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do?

Pull yourself together.

Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?

Think about it - wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?

Feel like hearing a dark joke?

turn off the lights before doing knock knock

Laundry makes me feel like a president

Because I’m washing tons

I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities.

I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?

2020 is starting to feel like...

The game of thrones series finale we deserve

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Ladies, if you feel like your man just doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is to give him a blowjob.

It's the quickest way for him to get inside your head.

I feel like there is good pun potential...

in the intersection of weigh, way, and whey, but I can't quite get it to come out smoothie.

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

I feel like a battery

because I am not included in anything :(

Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge.

I'm just sentencing 24/7.

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Do you ever feel like a tampon?

In a good place, but at the wrong time.

I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

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I got an email at work that really made me feel like I had Impostor Syndrome

But I talked to my therapist and he said I wasn't good enough to have that, so I feel much better now.

\[I'd like to think that is original, but I am sure I am unwittingly riffing on something I heard... more impostor syndrome!\]

When you feel like you're ugly, stupid and have no redeeming traits....

Don't wallow in despair; at least you have sound judgement.

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You make me feel like a unicorn...

...beautiful, magical, and horny.

I think this is an original, but chances are good it’s not, so do with it what you will.

One hobbit asks another: "Don't you feel like we're just a figment of someone's imagination?"

"Mate I have no idea what you're tolkien about"

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

I feel like time has run out

All the clocks in my house are blinking 00:00

Sometimes I feel like a Pelican

Everywhere I turn there is just a huge bill

Make me feel like a woman...

A man and a woman are on an elevator and the woman is immediately attracted to the man. He smiled and said hello, which only made her want him more. She could tell the feelings were mutual so she made her move...
Woman: “I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never been so attracted to some...

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Working shifts like these always make me feel like a horny golfer...

Because I get off at four.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Have you ever wanted to feel like you own a jet?

Buy a PS4.

I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

Hey girl, ever wanted to feel like the sleeping beauty?

Go to sleep, you'll be halfway there

Anyone else feel like this covid thing is like the fast and the furious?

No one really knows why we got so many sequels.... but they're really.started to get bad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered the blackhole not knowing what its going to feel like.

I got yelled at, my wife can be very anal and controlling.

Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

I guess she is trans parent now

GF says I feel like a father to her

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

I feel like the workforce is getting dumber at my company every time they hire someone...

It's like they're constantly bringing moron.

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

I feel like I'm becoming more like my dad little by little

Every day it feels like I disappear a little

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I feel like porn hub is being a bit heavy handed now.

Then again...

What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel like it’s good enough?

Impasta syndrome!

Sometimes, I feel like driving north

On parkway south

If the Pope doesn't feel like going to church...

...does he just send a mass text?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "Make me feel like a woman again!"

As her husband is coming back from work, the wife is exceptionally horny today and is impatiently waiting for her man's return.

Finally, the husband arrives home.

The wife sensually says:
"Honey, make me feel like a woman again!"

The husband immediately rips his shirt off and...

You make me feel like I have something special inside me!

Like Coronavirus

I went to the doctor, i told them most times i feel like a wigwam but then other times i feel like a teepee.

They said I’m two tents.

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero

Mostly because I'm wearing a mask

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

I feel like the United Nations right now....

I say I’m doing work but I’m not.

what does it feel like to join a suicide bomb squad?

I don't know, you'll have to C4 yourself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

Whenever I feel like I have too many friends,

I tell them I'm a Trump supporter.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like I've been looking at a giant butt all year long.

Hindsight is 2020.

Feeling like a woman.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shi...

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

I feel like I've eaten three countries!

...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.

"Doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be."

"Just relax a bit. You're two tenths."

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