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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Despite being in my mid-forties, every morning when I wake up, I feel like a twenty-year-old...

But there's never one available.

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities.

I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?

Do you ever feel like the fifth wheel?

Think about it - wouldn’t that be the steering wheel?

Feel like someone's watching you?

You're not alone.

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

Laundry makes me feel like a president

Because I’m washing tons

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

i just feel like a B+ should equal an A-

just like how an Ab is a G#

I feel like there is good pun potential...

in the intersection of weigh, way, and whey, but I can't quite get it to come out smoothie.

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people.

Therapist: Who said that?

Burying my wife made me feel like an iPhone

Was so damn hard throwing away the box I came in

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

Feel like hearing a dark joke?

turn off the lights before doing knock knock

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I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces =, ''if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman.''

She removes all her clothing and asks, ''is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?''

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, iron this!''

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Pull yourself together man

Talking makes me feel like a workaholic judge.

I'm just sentencing 24/7.

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

2020 is starting to feel like...

The game of thrones series finale we deserve

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I feel like porn hub is being a bit heavy handed now.

Then again...

Have you ever wanted to feel like you own a jet?

Buy a PS4.

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I entered the blackhole not knowing what its going to feel like.

I got yelled at, my wife can be very anal and controlling.

everyone wears crosses and I just feel like

y'know, maybe Jesus doesn’t like crosses, all things considered

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

What does it feel like to get hit by a wave frequency?

It hurtz

I don’t feel like I matter now, but I think I will eventually

I’m just really energetic right now

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

When you feel like you're ugly, stupid and have no redeeming traits....

Don't wallow in despair; at least you have sound judgement.

I feel like most drugs are ok.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts.

Have you ever... ever felt like this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does having sex with a woman who just have birth feel like?

Pretty awkward for the staff and family members in the hospital room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You make me feel like a unicorn...

...beautiful, magical, and horny.

I think this is an original, but chances are good it’s not, so do with it what you will.

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

You make me feel like I have something special inside me!

Like Coronavirus

Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

Anyone else feel like this covid thing is like the fast and the furious?

No one really knows why we got so many sequels.... but they're really.started to get bad

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

Boss keeps complaining that I drank the last of the water from the cooler. Now I feel like Jesus

Just turned water into whine.

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

Today I feel like a million bucks...

I've lost all my interest in the stock market.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

I feel like I’ve seen that ghost before.

I must be having Deja boo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working shifts like these always make me feel like a horny golfer...

Because I get off at four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

What do you call a restaurant that makes you feel like you’ve been there before?

Deja Food

I feel like a lot of girls are like spaghetti

Straight until wet

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

I feel like school subjects need to be represented by animals

English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading.
History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else.
And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

"Doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be."

"Just relax a bit. You're two tenths."

I told my girlfriend that sometimes she makes me feel like a kid again.

She asked why and I said

Because you touch me inappropriately when I'm pretending to be asleep.

If the Pope doesn't feel like going to church...

...does he just send a mass text?

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Awwww ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember

that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

I always feel like I’m the smartest person in the room

I’m very lonely :(

GF says I feel like a father to her

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

I feel like The Mandela Effect used to be called something else.

But I can't remember what.

Which is why I still refer to it as The Mandela Effect.

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

What do you call it, when you feel like you've read every single post on r/jokes before?

deja-view.

I tried a new cologne today that made me feel like a billion bucks.

It's called Musk, by Elon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

what does it feel like to join a suicide bomb squad?

I don't know, you'll have to C4 yourself!

A woman turns to her husband and says, "I feel like you aren't even listening to me."

To which the man turns to his wife and says, "that's a strange way to start a conversation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "Make me feel like a woman again!"

As her husband is coming back from work, the wife is exceptionally horny today and is impatiently waiting for her man's return.

Finally, the husband arrives home.

The wife sensually says:
"Honey, make me feel like a woman again!"

The husband immediately rips his shirt off and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero

Mostly because I'm wearing a mask

Son - Mom, I dont feel like going to school today. The kids are too loud, unruly and mean.

Mom - Remember now, you are the headmaster of the school.

I feel like some of the strategies used in World War One were a little...

Over the Top

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."

I feel like I'm becoming more like my dad little by little

Every day it feels like I disappear a little

Make me feel like a woman...

A man and a woman are on an elevator and the woman is immediately attracted to the man. He smiled and said hello, which only made her want him more. She could tell the feelings were mutual so she made her move...
Woman: “I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never been so attracted to some...

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

“A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont’s”

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

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