This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

A SQL query goes to the bar, walks up to two tables

"Can I join you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
...

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Boy comes up to his father and says: “Dad, math teacher wants to see you”

"What happened?", father asks.

"Well, she asked how much would be 7*9, I said '63'. Then she asked, "And 9*7?" I said, "What the fuck difference does it make?"

"Really, what the fuck difference does it make." father said. “I'll talk to her."

The next day, the boy comes home fro...

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...

The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the d...

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

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A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

A genie came up to me and told me I have 3 wishes

For my first, I asked for money, he gave me money

For my second, I asked for world peace, he gave me world peace

For my third I asked my family to be happy, he was concerned, asking me if I'm sure, I told him I am

Then I started fading away

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet

But they usually only have 4

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!"

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"



As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I...

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk (Long)

"Buk", says the chicken,

The librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken then leaves.

Five minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk", says the chicken.

The librarian hands the chicken a book, and the chicken leaves again.

This goes on for seven or eight more times. Fi...

Boy comes up to his father, all angry.

He says, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

China may be catching up to the US economically...

...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.

An unfamiliar lady came up to me and proudly exclaimed that she was vegan.

I told her that I've never met herbivore.

A son runs up to his dad and tugs at his trouser leg

“Daddy, daddy! A picture is worth a thousand words!”, and immediately runs off. The dad is confused by this, but kids say funny things.

Later on, they’re having dinner, and the son is very quiet. The dad asks him if he’s ok, to which he solemnly raises his head and replies, “Make hay while th...

A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man.

The employee yells back "not in a row"

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Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: “I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.

St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"...

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album!

The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come ...

This beautiful woman walked up to me in the street, gave me a beaming smile, placed her hand on my arm and said "Hello handsome...

...do you know the way to the opticians?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. This guy walks up to his wife carrying a sheep

This guy walks up to his wife carrying a sheep under his arm and says "this is that pig I've been fucking". The wife says "that's not a pig, it's a sheep!"
He glares at his wife and says "I wasn't talking to you"

A man came walking up to me with two peg legs, so I punched him in the face.

I’m lack toes intolerant.

Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck

Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!

Vendor: Crushed nuts?

Quasi: No, bad back...

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man

at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth ...

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

Up to which age is it appropriate to bathe with your kid? 36M

My mom says it's getting weird

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"

She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

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Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind".

He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!"

This police dog comes up to me and starts sniffing and wagging his tail, and I say "hi there, boy, can you smell my dog then?"

And the handler says "No, sir, this is a sniffer dog -- he only alerts for narcotics", and I say "heh, yeah, my poor pooch has such a habit..."

A boy walks up to Mark Zuckerberg

The boy says: “My daddy said you were stealing out information”

Mark Zuckerberg replies: “He isn’t your dad”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woke up to a blowjob, this morning...

... Last time I sleep on a train with my mouth open.

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

A verb walks up to a noun in a bar

-- Hey, babe, wanna go back to my place and conjugate?

-- I decline

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a beach walks up to a woman in a wheelchair

This woman is crying, he asks “why Are you crying?” She says “ nobody has ever taken me on a date before” he says, “oh well, I’ll take you on a date!” So they go on a nice date and he takes her back to the spot on the beach he met her at, as he walks away, he hears crying again “what is it now?” He...

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" He said

"Mate, it's 2020 you can use any printer you want" I replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...

Melania answers...

He says:”Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He waits for a few minutes and rings again: “ Can I talk to the president?”

Melania:”Sorry, but mr. Trump isn’t the president anymore...”

He doe...

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

A man walked up to his friend

He was sad
The man asked “What’s the matter bro”
His friend replied “Everything....... except for light”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

A man, frantic rushes up to the bar

Gimme twelve shots quick!! He says. The bartender starts pouring them out as the man starts slamming them. After the last shot the bartender says "damn! You sure drank those fast!! The man says "buddy, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I got!" "Jeeze, what do you have bud?" The bartender says....

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

Why couldn’t Jack, from Jack and the Beanstalk, go up to the castle in the sky anymore?

He’s already bean there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

The follow up to the Netflix movie “Cuties”, has been announced.

Its a prequel.

Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.

A man walks up to the counter and says “One vodka please!”

The person at the counter says “Sir, this is a McDonalds”

The man says “Sorry... One McVodka please!”

I saw emo boy, I came up to him and slaped him on wrist and said:

I like your cut g

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shy guy walks up to a southern prostitute

“What I can you- What can do-” he stutters,
unable to finish his sentence,

“What can I do ya for cutie?”

“Yes, thank you, that’s what I meant.”

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer

He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"

The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."

The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself d...

An engineering student rides up to his fellow engineering student on a bicycle

His buddy asks him "Where did you get the bicycle?"

"Crazy story! A beautiful blonde rode up to me in this bike, got off, stripped off all her clothes, and told me "take what you want!""

"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyways..."

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man runs up to his physician in a panic

And yells:

"Doctor, I just had sex with a mother and her twin daughters last night!"

The doctor asks "And why are you telling me this?"

The man yells "I'm telling everybody!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ate a bad burrito yesterday and went to bed early, woke up to use the bathroom and heard fireworks. Looked at the time and it was midnight.

What a shitty way to start the New Year. (True story)

A child walks up to their parents and asks

A child walks up to their parents and asks “hey, mom and dad. Why did you name me Petal?”

The parents smile and reply, “When we got you home, a petal from a flower in the garden fell on your forehead”. The child satisfied with the answer walked away.

The younger sibling came up and a...

A nun teaching at a Catholic school frequently shows up to work in normal clothes because of how poorly-made the set of religious clothing she was given is.

It's a bad habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lioness comes and asks lion why is he ignoring the monkey. Lion asks her to mind her own business and ignore the monkey. Lioness ignores lion’s advice and starts to chase the mo...

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

I went up to this girl and asked if she could take a picture of me, and she said yes.

So I handed her a framed portrait of me and walked away.

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

An IRA member shows up to heaven gates

St. Peter looks at him and says:
"You're a good Catholic but many people have lost friend or family member because of your action.
I'm afraid I can't get you in"

"I'm not getting in anyway. You are the ones who need to get out. You have ten minutes."

A wheelie bin collector turns up to a new collection address only to find no bin out the front, so he walks up the driveway and knocks on the door...

An unkempt man with a cagey expression opens the door.

"Hey mate. Where's your bin?" the collector asks.

Nervously the man stammers, "Aah... I... I's bin in hospital"

"Nah mate" corrects the collector, "Where's your bin? Where's your wheelie bin?"

Looking defeated, the m...

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

My wife cuddled up to me and said ‘Be my Han Solo.’

Now she’s not talking to me, cause I said ‘OK, Chewie.’

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead notice a sticky white substance on the floor of the elevator up to their flat...

“Looks like semen” says the brunette, eyeing it

“Smells like semen” says the blonde, sniffing it

“Nobody in this building”, says the redhead, tasting it

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into.

"It's not only me, Miss," replied the boy. "You're a cheat; you pretend to be a natural blonde, but you'...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

A young man frantically runs up to a nun.

The young man says, "Please sister, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!"

The nun replies, "if it's really so important, I suppose it's alright. Just keep your eyes closed while you're under there."

The young man climbs under the nun's skirt. Just a few moments later, two s...

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

Joke about it all you want, but Rudy Giuliani is prepared to fight election fraud all the way up to the Supreme ...

... Courtyard by Marriott

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

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A guy walks up to a bartender with $10,000 in cash.

He says, "Hey bartender, I've got a bet for you. I bet you this ten grand that you can put this shot glass at the other end of the bar, and I can piss in it from over here without spilling a single drop."

The bartender ponders and ponders, and finally decides this is iron clad. No way he can ...

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A little girl goes up to her mom and asks “Why are you getting gray hair?”

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks “Why are you getting gray hair?” The mother responds, well every time you do something that upsets me I vet a gray hair.

The girl thinks for a minute. Then says, wooow you must of really pissed off grandma.

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

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A guy is walking up to a bar and sees a guy shoving his finger up another guys butt.

As he gets closer he notices that they're both quite drunk. His curiosity about the finger gets the better of him so he asks "Hey man why are you shoving your finger up that guy's butt?"

The man replies "We're really drunk so I'm trying to help my friend throwup"

Baffled by this he as...

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I'm really loving my new Note 20 Ultra, now with up to 5x optical zoom!

I can finally take a dick pic

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I went up to my dad and said “can I ask you a question for a school project?”

He said “sure son, what do you need to know?”

I asked him, “dad, what’s politics?”

He told me “well son, let’s use our home as an example. I make the money, so I am capitalism. Your mom controls and administers the money, so let’s call her the government. We take care of what you need ...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...

They say "Thank you for your patients"

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

Why was the patient very angry when the nurse wake him up to take medicine?

It was sleeping pill

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

After the debate Melania went up to Trump and said

We can still win this, we just have to be positive and patient.

They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.

They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.

She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.

He was dead within 2 minutes.

I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

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I found a porn site that wanted me to sign up to a 12 month subscription.

If I could deal with that kind of commitment, I wouldn't be watching porn.

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor’s office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.

The blonde woman replied, “I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop”

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This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"Sex?" she asked.

"Male," I replied.

A buddist monk walls up to a hot dog vendor...

Vendor: "And what would you like?"
Monk: "Make me one with everything."

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

So I was in the pub and mate who's a thief came up to me and said " I just robbed this place and got two pictures one is worth 1.5 million and the other is worth 2.5 million , come to my van and have look"

So we got to the van and he showed me the pictures I said "You just robbed a real estate agent"....

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?

Because it has a Taipei personality

The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...

So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farm...

Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates...

As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...

“...Myth confirmed.”

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Son: I want to grow up to be a left wing activist.

Dad: you can't do both.

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

During labour, a nurse came up to me and my wife & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’

I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.'

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend

His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

One night mario woke up to find daisy in bed with him

Now that's what I call a nintendo switch

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume.

She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car. Think I'll still get it?

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter. The bartender says, “Sorry mate, we don’t serve pieces of string in here, get lost.”

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, “Oi, aren’t you that piece of string from before…?”

“No,” says the piece of string, ...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife

He pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up,...

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