A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

I'll name my son Mathematics.

Then I will be the Father of Mathematics. Get out of here, Pythagoras.

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hip-Hop Mathematics Exam: Question #1

If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch, how many problems does Jay-Z now have? Show your work.

An infinite amount of mathematics walks to the bar.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

What do you call friends who learn mathematics together?

Algebros....

You know what they say about mathematics and religion..

Sin-ning can cos(t)

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called discrete mathematics?

Because it let's you figure out how many N dead bodies will fit into K cars.

Shits discrete.

Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane





*Fckin kill me already*

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics.

The struggle is real.

Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

did you hear about the mathematics whiz who was afraid of negative numbers?

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar...

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once knew a Mathematics Professor...

She was a cute, sexy teacher. I called her Miss Cosnπ and man, did she have curves!

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case...

... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote "Syria" on the front of my mathematics final...

Because I bombed the living fuck outta that.

Logan in mathematics...

loga+logn = logan

Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the ...

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to...

...tell millenials to 'get a fucking job'."

-John Adams, iirc

I like my men like I like mathematics.

Hard.

Mathematics works in mysterious ways...[possibly a joke just for UK redditors]

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

My grandpa was 1/5th of the way through his 58th mathematics degree when he died...

He was pretty rad.

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room ...

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction.

Years lat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comparing cultures

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was t...

When i try to impress a girl

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...
Unless they know mathematics

(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago!

Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kid Comes Home From School

He tells his father his mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".



Next ...

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.