UPJOKE

sciencemathematiciancalculusgeometryalgebraarithmeticpure mathematicslogicmathnumberengineeringphysicsset theorynumber theoryastronomy

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

the other half is intelligence.

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

I Said "Prove It"

........number

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.

...

...

Algebros....

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

It grew square roots.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"

"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."

"Please show me."

"Four, five, six, one two, three."

"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."

"Please show me."

"Four, five, six, one two, three."

At least we're in the top 10.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

"I'll take my chances", he said.

Ellipse

I apologise, this is my worst one in a while. I nearly killed 3 people.

I apologise, this is my worst one in a while. I nearly killed 3 people.

Then I will be the Father of Mathematics. Get out of here, Pythagoras.

Sin X

Imagine yourself being a bus driver.

At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.

At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.

At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.

At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.

At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4...

At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.

At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.

At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.

At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.

At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4...

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

It's good that I'm one of the other 55% who understand it.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Because it let's you figure out how many N dead bodies will fit into K cars.

Shits discrete.

Shits discrete.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

Sin(Q)/Cos(Q)

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

loga+logn = logan

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

Me: yeah

Job interviewer: so whats 17×36

Me : 96

Job interviewer: thats not even close

Me : yeah.....but it was quick

Job interviewer: so whats 17×36

Me : 96

Job interviewer: thats not even close

Me : yeah.....but it was quick

The struggle is real.

...is the true source of division.

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane

*Fckin kill me already*

*Fckin kill me already*

... So he asked his secretary:

"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

She was a cute, sexy teacher. I called her Miss Cosnπ and man, did she have curves!

Hard.

Couldn't find my epi pen

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

They often have to deal with calculus on the job.

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

It just made me feel number and number.

that's right, Magnum Pi.

Turns out he was just exaggerating

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

In a park at the University, a man grunts, takes a hand to the chest and collapses on the ground. A woman nearby starts screaming: "Help! We need a doctor here!" A passer by replies:

- I am doctor.

- Help! I think this man is having a heart attack!

- I am a doctor in mathematics.

- He's...

- I am doctor.

- Help! I think this man is having a heart attack!

- I am a doctor in mathematics.

- He's...

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