His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

Then I will be the Father of Mathematics. Get out of here, Pythagoras.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch, how many problems does Jay-Z now have? Show your work.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

that's right, Magnum Pi.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Algebros....

Sin-ning can cos(t)

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"

"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."

"Please show me."

"Four, five, six, one two, three."

"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."

"Please show me."

"Four, five, six, one two, three."

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

Couldn't find my epi pen

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Because it let's you figure out how many N dead bodies will fit into K cars.

Shits discrete.

Shits discrete.

the other half is intelligence.

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane

*Fckin kill me already*

*Fckin kill me already*

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

The struggle is real.

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

At least we're in the top 10.

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

She was a cute, sexy teacher. I called her Miss Cosnπ and man, did she have curves!

... So he asked his secretary:

"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Because I bombed the living fuck outta that.

loga+logn = logan

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the**... **

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the

mathematics puns make me feel number.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

...tell millenials to 'get a fucking job'."

-John Adams, iirc

-John Adams, iirc

Hard.

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

Turns out he was just exaggerating

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

He was pretty rad.

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction.

Years lat...

Years lat...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was t...

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was t...

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...

Unless they know mathematics

Unless they know mathematics

Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He tells his father his mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".

Next ...

Next ...

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

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