They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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If you think you're an ugly, weak, poor loser, and ain't capable of stopping being a lazy useless piece of shit, never feel depressed.

Congratulations!! At least, you have good judgment.

The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two story colonial house.

This is because of their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average 2 story colonial home can't jump very high.

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

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My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi? Seco...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

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My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

What's the most capable element?

Tin, because tin can.

I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.

I have low shelf-confidence.

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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

A lemonade seller and the businessman.

A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices.


"$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones."


Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained sil...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

'K guys this one seems a bit fishy to mee

So, there's a fisher, who's catching fish in an area where fishing is prohibited. There even is a sign nearby that states that. Anyway, while he is fishing with his rod, a policeman comes by. He approaches the fisher: “Sir, excuse me but aren't you able to read? Can't you see the sign over there tha...

I had a disagreement with my girlfriend while she was pmsing

She:" You better stop fighting. You know what I'm capable of right?"
Me: Yes..bloodshed.

Period jokes are not funny. Period.

Did you ever wonder...

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

An Irish Man is on a plane

An Irish man is on a plane and suddenly there's a loud bang.

The Pilot comes on an says "Ladies and gentlemen we have just lost one of our engines, but don't worry as we can still make it, however, there will be a slight delay of about 45 minutes.

A few moments pass and again, there is...

What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students...

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show qui...

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A Canadian man, a Japanese man, and an American man are in a plane.

They’re on a hijacked plane and the terrorist demands that they each drop something out of the plane capable of killing someone.

The Canadian drops a bag of coins, hoping that someone can use those coins for good use.

The Japanese drops a katana, to honorably and quickly kill whoever w...

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Why does Melania get on top?

Because Donald is only capable of fucking up.

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"

Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

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[Long] [NSFW] So a man is at the bar with some co-workers...

They're sitting around, throwing a few back, when the man decides to get clever. He tells them, "Lads, did ya know I'm capable of biting my own eye?" His co-workers tell him to come off it, but he insists that it's true. So, curious, they each put money on the table, willing to take this drunks mone...

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

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The Magical Mirror

A husband and wife bought a mirror from a fortune teller hard up for cash. The fortune teller warned them that the mirror was capable of magically granting wishes, but to make sure to be mindful of the words you chose. If you rhyme and keep it simple, everything should be fine.

They of course...

A blonde is looking for a job

On the first day she applied for a clerk in a business firm and had an interview. When she's finished the manager said,"I'm afraid you're not capable of the duty."

On the second day she applied for the McDonald's and had an interview. The manager kicked her out and said,"you dumb get lost."...

Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

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Everytime a bird shits on my car

I eat a boiled egg outside to let the cunts know what I'm capable of.

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

Dems haven't won a senate seat in Alabama since 1992

Unlike Roy Moore, they were capable of waiting 25 years.

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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

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A plane was travelling from America to the UK

A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped...

Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking,...

I once knew a Colombian conductor.

He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

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A 89 year old man visits his doctor

"Hey Doc, I am really concerned. I am together with this beautiful 21 year old, and to satisfy her in bed I have to take my Viagra pills. You'd ought to think that I am no longer capable of breeding given my age, but somehow my girlfriend just got pregnant. How can that be?".

"Let me tell you...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

It wasn't. Numbers aren't capable of having any sort of feelings, and you are weird for thinking they do.

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The Muff Puff

So there was this married couple and the husband was a drunk. He would constantly drink and end up get abusive towards his wife.

So one day the wife gets fed up and decides she is going to go to the pet store and get something that will help defend herself. When she gets to the store an empl...

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

Bear Attack

An elderly man visits his doctor one day.

"I have some exciting news, Doctor!", exclaimed man, with excitement.

"What is it?", asked his doctor.

"My wife took a pregnancy test last week and, well.. we're expecting a child! Isn't it great!?"

"What!?", expressed the doct...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

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