Twice Jokes - 90 Hilarious Twice Jokes

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

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How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the out of it.

A blond Joke I've only heard twice before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

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What’s old, annoying and only fucks you twice a year?

Daylight savings time

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My girlfriend and I have an average of twice a week

I have zero times a week

she has four times a week.

I don't ever make the same mistake twice

I make it 4-5 times just to be sure!

I drink twice a year....

When it's my birthday, and when it isn't

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Doctor, can you give me anything to help with my halitosis?

Doctor: Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Will that cure it?

Doctor: No, but it will take the edge off the smell.

I'll try anything once… twice if I like it…

three times to make sure.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks.
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”

“Where is Don...

Who do some people take twice as long to do things?

Because they do them half fast.

My statistics textbook got struck by lightning TWICE in ONE DAY!

*sigh*

Don't even ask...

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

I've been married twice

My first wife died, the second one won't.

A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE

But she was no match for my car

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove to everyone he wasn’t chicken

What do you call Trump getting impeached twice?

Unpresidented

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had .

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

Twice.

So good they named it twice.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

What do you call a tree you see twice?

Deja yew

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me 350,000 times, you're probably a meteorologist

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What has six balls and fucks you twice a week?

The National Lottery!

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence.

Enough is enough.

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I feel sorry for the children of same- couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice

He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

The same ghost spooked me twice

Deja BOO

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Recent study shows that twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

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What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

How do you make someone read something twice?

How do you make someone read something twice? By putting it in both the title and the body of the post. (Please stop doing this!)

Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

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I am scared of ejaculating twice.....

Therapist: Come again?

What happens if you get Coronavius twice?

Dos Equis.

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

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Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

I read this whole sub twice...

Without even needing to reload the page.

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I’m bisexual

I’ve had twice

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

I watched the Titanic twice

I was convinced they weren’t dumb enough to hit the iceberg again

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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

I do crunches twice a day now

Captain in the morning and Nestle in the Afternoon

My girlfriends dad said that if i did her anything he'd do it twice back

So I gave her 500$

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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I could wipe my with 100$ Bills twice every day an still be richer than before

The trick is to reuse 'em

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

What city grows twice its population?

Dublin

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Free w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free . The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city

Nobody helps the poor guy .

A broken clock is right twice a day.

Which makes it more accurate than economists.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

My wife is being very mean to me, she's cut me down to twice a month....

I'm not complaining though, I know of a couple of guys she's cut off all together.

A man should only feel embarrassed twice in his life.

First time when he can’t get it up for the second time, and second time when he can’t get it up for the first time.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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