UPJOKE
twodoubleoncedoublyhalfagainbeforethenfirstonlyoversincelaterstraightjust

Twice Jokes

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

A blond Joke I've only heard twice before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s old, annoying and only fucks you twice a year?

Daylight savings time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week

I have sex zero times a week

she has sex four times a week.

I don't ever make the same mistake twice

I make it 4-5 times just to be sure!

I drink twice a year....

When it's my birthday, and when it isn't

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

Why do men think twice as much and women talk twice as much?

Because men were born with 2 heads and women were born with 4 lips.

*sorry if a repost, I searched 1st*

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Doctor, can you give me anything to help with my halitosis?

Doctor: Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Will that cure it?

Doctor: No, but it will take the edge off the smell.

I'll try anything once… twice if I like it…

three times to make sure.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Who do some people take twice as long to do things?

Because they do them half fast.

My statistics textbook got struck by lightning TWICE in ONE DAY!

*sigh*

Don't even ask...

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had sex twice

A husband hears his wife scream. He rushes to the bedroom just in time to see the silhouette of a man jumping out of the window. His wifes shouts:
\- That man had sex with me twice! Do something!

\- Twice? Why didn't you scream the first time?

\- It's all dark in here, the first t...

I've been married twice

My first wife died, the second one won't.

A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE

But she was no match for my car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy wh...

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove to everyone he wasn’t chicken

What do you call Trump getting impeached twice?

Unpresidented

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

Twice.

So good they named it twice.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

What do you call a tree you see twice?

Deja yew

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me 350,000 times, you're probably a meteorologist

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has six balls and fucks you twice a week?

The National Lottery!

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence.

Enough is enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice

He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

The same ghost spooked me twice

Deja BOO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

How do you make someone read something twice?

How do you make someone read something twice? By putting it in both the title and the body of the post. (Please stop doing this!)

On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am scared of ejaculating twice.....

Therapist: Come again?

What happens if you get Coronavius twice?

Dos Equis.

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the butt then use the curtains to clean yourself off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

I read this whole sub twice...

Without even needing to reload the page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m bisexual

I’ve had sex twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twice a Day

This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit ex...

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

I watched the Titanic twice

I was convinced they weren’t dumb enough to hit the iceberg again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I do crunches twice a day now

Captain in the morning and Nestle in the Afternoon

My girlfriends dad said that if i did her anything he'd do it twice back

So I gave her 500$

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I could wipe my ass with 100$ Bills twice every day an still be richer than before

The trick is to reuse 'em

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

What city grows twice its population?

Dublin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city

Nobody helps the poor guy .

A broken clock is right twice a day.

Which makes it more accurate than economists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you run around a tree twice as fast as light

You can fuck your own ass

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

My wife is being very mean to me, she's cut me down to twice a month....

I'm not complaining though, I know of a couple of guys she's cut off all together.

A man should only feel embarrassed twice in his life.

First time when he can’t get it up for the second time, and second time when he can’t get it up for the first time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is sitting in the exam room of her gynecologist

The doctor says, “You have the largest vagina I’ve ever seen”

“You have the largest vagina I’ve ever seen”

Taken aback, the woman says, “Well, you didn’t have to say it twice”

The doctor says, “I didn’t”

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.