Husabnd and wife

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”


The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

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As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

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If you run around a tree twice as fast as light

You can fuck your own ass

Is it true that pigs bath twice a day?

No, that story is just a load of hogwash.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

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I am scared of ejaculating twice.....

Therapist: Come again?

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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

I was transported to an alternate dimension where everything weighs twice as much.

I had to leave. I just couldn't handle the gravity of the situation.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

A man should only feel embarrassed twice in his life.

First time when he can’t get it up for the second time, and second time when he can’t get it up for the first time.

Twice.

So good they named it twice.

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

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I told my therapist that my biggest fear is ejaculating twice in one day..

You can believe my shock when her response was, “come again?”

How do you make someone read something twice?

How do you make someone read something twice? By putting it in both the title and the body of the post. (Please stop doing this!)

I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I must get the sights on my rifle fixed.

Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

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A teacher asks her students to use the word “beautiful” twice in a sentence...

Little Sandy’s hand shoots into the air immediately.

“Go ahead, Sandy.”

“My mother bought a beautiful new dress, and she looks beautiful when she wears it.”

“Very good, Sandy!”

Sandy beams. At that moment another hand is raised in the back of the room. It’s that of Little...

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in.

I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all ...

A man gets three wishes from a genie on the condition that his wire gets twice as much as he wishes

Fist he wishes for a Lamborghini, he gets a Lamborghini and his wife gets two Lamborghinis

Then he wishes for a million dollars, his wife gets two million dollars

Then he says “beat me until I am half dead” and the genie proceeded to beat him so that he was half dead, and then the gen...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

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Old but good

Two Italian me get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once...

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence.

Enough is enough.

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

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If I have sex twice a year does it mean I'm bisexual?

No, it means you're ugly

I’ve read “ An Idiot's Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.

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A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

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My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

Everyone has a Lie-Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: ‘What are those clocks?’
St. Peter answered: ‘Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’
...

Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.

Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

The same ghost spooked me twice

Deja BOO

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You are stuck in a room with Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it, what do you do?

*Shoot myself twice*

Why should you never make love to a female astronaut twice?

You might burn up on re-entry.

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Robot for sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his 6 year old son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was a...

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

I do crunches twice a day now

Captain in the morning and Nestle in the Afternoon

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

What's a comeback that's twice as good as "no u"?

No w

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During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, Little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Then the teacher picked little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully

Then it was little Johnny's turn, "Last night, at the dinner t...

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who’d been praying at the Western Wall twice a day, every day, for a long time...

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecc...

I read this whole sub-reddit twice

Without even scrolling back to the top of the page

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

Just saw a poster for a film. In big lettering it said: Don't Knock Twice.

If only Jehovah's Witnesses used that idea.

I watched the Titanic twice

I was convinced they weren’t dumb enough to hit the iceberg again

So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

Did you know the Hover Dam was supposed to be twice as tall as it is now?

After some re-evaluation, they thought it would be 2 dam high.


I’ll see myself out...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A broken clock is right twice a day.

Which makes it more accurate than economists.

why did the mailman get abused for delivering the package twice?

because it was a repost

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

I don't make mistakes twice

I repeat them five or six times just to make sure.

Garrison Keillor is twice the entertainer that Bill Cosby is.

Keillor even puts the men to sleep.

What city grows twice its population?

Dublin

The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday

One for each tower

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city

Nobody helps the poor guy .

On a perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

My friends call me an alcoholic, but I've only ever been drunk twice.

The first time was when I was 17 and the second time has been since 2008

A man dies and goes to heaven....

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Wel...

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me three times, you probably promised me a good Star Wars game.

A blonde has achy feet, so her doctor recommends she soak them in sea water twice a day.

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.

She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"

Happy to mak...

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I told my friends that I only pooped twice last week and they said it wasn't healthy...

but I don't give a shit.

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

Did you hear about the mailman that always delivers the same letter twice?

It's a repost.

Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

As an IT student who failed calculus twice....

... to this day I have Vieta flashbacks.

Whovians, if you enter the TARDIS twice....

are you re-TARDIS?

I went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before.

The plot thickens...

You should never say the same thing twice.

I repeat, never.

My country's weather is so rough, our schools close twice a week

It's because of weekend.

I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.

It was a revolting scene.

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

Never tell the same joke twice

Some time is my early childhood my father said,
everytime you tell a joke it loses value,
now I thought this was good advice so I
decided never to use anyone elses jokes ever.
Not once did I tell someone elses joke,
usually I didnt tell jokes at all because it was ...

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

A cow who swears they remember something twice.

Must have deja moo

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

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Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

I don't know but if you see that double crossing bastard tell her payback is on the way!

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